On a cross Country flight a rabbi was seated next to an atheist. I know sounds like the beginning to a bad joke. A Rabbi and an atheist walk in to a … But I love this story.
Every few minutes one of the rabbi’s children or grandchildren would come to his seat to see if he needed anything - food, drink, something to read. They’d just come and check on him. The atheist commented, "The respect your children and grandchildren show you is wonderful. Mine don’t show me that respect. "
"Think about it," the rabbi said. "To my children and grandchildren I am one step closer to the God who created the Hebrews, the God who spoke to us at Sinai. To yours, you are merely one step closer to the apes."
That story, in a not-so-subtle way, communicates an important message. Being the people of God has a profound impact on how we treat other people, especially the ones closest to us. It stands in stark contrast to the bumper sticker that says, "Be nice to your children; they’ll pick your nursing home. " Or the one that reads, "Honor they father and mother; they haven’t made their will yet. "
The fifth commandment is unique for several reasons. It is one of only two positively stated commands. Last week we talked about the other, Remember the Sabbath day.
It is the only command that comes with a promise, that you may live a long and happy life.
And it stands in an important location in the list. The fifth commandment is a transitional command.
The first four addressed how human beings are to relate to God. The last six address how human beings are to relate to each other. Just as the first command is foundational for the other nine, so the fifth command serves as a basis for the last six. Its placement in the list suggests that the home is the primary source of values, ethics and morality. Just as a failure to honor God with exclusive allegiance keeps us from obeying the other commands, so a failure to honor our parents results in an inability to honor any other human being. In other words, if we don’t show respect and love to our families, we will struggle to show honor and compassion to our friends, neighbors and strangers.
Once again I need to call your attention to the audience to whom these words were addressed. Growing up I was taught that this Command was addressed to children. The little ones in the crowd at Sinai were to honor their fathers and mothers. Now I believe that they were included in this one as well as all the others. And Paul, in Ephesians 6:1 applies this commandment to young people. But the command, as all the commands were a personal direction to the grown men and women at the base of the Mountain.
I believe that there were three reasons that this command was needed.
1) Remember that the ones who were addressed by God through Moses were just released from 400 years of slavery.
They had lived in a culture that devalued age, as you got older it was harder to work and if you could not work, you were worthless. We do the same thing today. It’s called early retirement.
2) They lacked the social structure that would provide for people in need.
That’s why there are so many commands about how they were to provide for the poor and even for strangers who were living in their land. There was no Social Security, no retirement plans, so older people had to rely on their children when they could no longer care for themselves. But God knows that we are inherently selfish, that’s why the New Testament is filled with Commands to Love one another, Care for one another, Give preference to one another, look out for the good for one another.
3) It is the first command with a promise.
God says that those of us who will honor our parents will have long life and health. Now I don’t believe that there is some king of mystic magical connection between long life and loving mom and dad. I have known scoundrels who have lived long lives and know people who loved their family dearly die at a young age.
But that’s not the promise. Guess where children learn to honor their parents? From their parents. If an adult doesn’t honor his parents then he is teaching his children not to honor him.
One of Grimm’s fairy tales is about a little boy who lived with his father, his mother, and his elderly grandfather. The grandfather was feeble and his hands shook. When he ate, the silverware rattled against the plate, and he often missed his mouth. Then the food would dribble onto the tablecloth. This upset the young mother, because she didn’t want to have to deal with the extra mess and hassle of taking care of the old man. But he had nowhere else to live.
So the young parents decided to move him away from the table, into a corner, where he could sit on a stool and eat from a bowl. The young mother said, "From now on, you eat over there." And so he did, always looking at the table and wanting to be with his family but having to sit alone in the corner.
One day his hands trembled more than usual; he dropped his bowl and broke it. The young father yelled, "If you’re going to eat like a pig, you’re going to eat out of a pig’s trough!" So they made the old man a wooden trough, put his meals in it, and told him to eat out of it. And he did.
Not long after that, the couple came upon their four-year-old son playing out in the yard with some scraps of wood. His father asked him what he was doing. The little boy looked up, smiled, and said, “I’m making a trough, to feed you and Mamma out of when I get big.” The next day the old man was back at the table eating with the family from a plate, and no one ever scolded him or mistreated him again.
Today let’s close with 5 things we must do if we are going to truly honor our parents.
1) Respect Them
Paul said, "Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother." (Ephesians 6:1-2a).
Children are to obey their parents. But honor or respect is more important than mere obedience. It’s possible to obey without showing respect. You can do as your told and still rebellious at heart.
It’s like the little boy who was standing in the back seat of the car, riding down the road with his parents. His parents told him to sit down and put on his seat-belt because they were concerned about his safety. His father told him once, then twice, then a third time. His mother looked back and asked him to sit down. He defiantly said, "No, I will not sit down!" His father told him if he didn’t sit down he would give him the spanking of his life. So the boy sat down. But then he said, “I may be sitting down on the outside, but I’m standing up on the inside.” I’ve seen that before. There’s obedience, but there’s no respect.
We tend to honor people whom we think deserve it or earn it – we honor great athletes with awards, we honor successful politicians with positions of authority, we honor successful people with plaques. But God says that we are to honor our parents not just because of what they have done, but simply because of who they are. This may be a hard pill for some of you to swallow, but God didn’t say to honor your parents if they’re honorable. Nowhere does God say that respect must be earned before you have to give it. God simply calls us to honor our parents simply because they are our parents. Nowhere in this commandment does it tell us that we are to honor them because they are great parents, or even good parents. We are to honor them because of the position they hold in relation to our lives.
2) Value Their Advice
Another way we honor our parents is by valuing their advice. Proverbs 13:1 says, "A wise son heeds his father’s instruction..." That’s not always an easy thing to do because most of us have gone through a stage where we didn’t think their parents know much of anything at all.
I was like most teenagers; I believed that my parents were stupid. But I’ve learned something over the years. Just because I have more education than Mom and Dad, doesn’t mean that I am smarter. There are some things that nobody learns except by living, having experience, failing at some things and bouncing back.
3) Let Them Know You Appreciate Their Efforts
There are some things that are just proper and right. One of those things is showing honor to the man and woman responsible for bringing you into this world, feeding you, getting your cavities filled, sitting up with you when you were sick, and doing the million and one other things that go with being a parent. So God says, “Honor your parents.” It’s the right thing to do. Even after children have grown up and have families of their own, they still have a responsibility to honor their parents.
Listen to the way Today’s English Version translates Proverbs 23:22: "When your mother is old, show her your appreciation."
There is a popular trend today in secular counseling to blame all of a person’s problems on the mistakes of his or her parents. "You can’t help the way you are," the thinking goes. "It’s not your fault. Your parents messed you up. You’re the victim.”
Now, the Bible doesn’t say that parents are perfect. And our honoring of our parents isn’t based on how much we approve of the job they did with us. God is saying that we should make our parents feel treasured simply because they have done so very much for us.
They bought and cleaned our clothes. They made sure we got all the necessary shots and check-ups. They gave us a home and food. They provided us with transportation and counseled us when we had a problem.
At birth we aer solely dependent upon adults for nurture. The moment we came into this world our parents kept us warm and fed us and protected us and many years passed until we were old enough to care for ourselves – so of course we should be grateful! Think of the financial burden that parents bear.
According to a recent study done by the U.S. Department of Agriculture, a family with a child born in the year 2003 can expect to spend about $170,630 for food, shelter and other necessities to raise that child over the next 17 years.
I heard about a boy who was talking to a friend at school. He said, "I’m really worried, my dad works hard to provide for the needs of our home. Mom washes the clothes, prepares the meals, and keeps the house clean." His friend said, "Well, what in the world are you worried about?" The boy replied, "I’m afraid they might try and ESCAPE!"
We owe our parents a huge debt of gratitude. They deserve our honor for the simple reason that they have done so much for us!
I have no doubt at all that what has helped me more than anything else to honor my parents’ efforts is being a parent myself. This is the hardest job I’ve ever had. It’s difficult and it’s costly, not just in terms of finances, but of time, energy, and emotions.
If we can honor our parents for nothing else, we can honor them because they took on a difficult job. I encourage you to let your parents know that you appreciate what they’ve done for you.
4) Meet Their Needs
We read in 1 Timothy 5, "But if any widow has children or grandchildren, let them first learn to show piety at home and to repay their parents; for this is good and acceptable before God.....But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever."
Honor of parents involves, among other things, providing for them when they can no longer provide for themselves. Did you notice that Paul used the word "repay" here in this verse?
I’ve made mention of the many sacrifices our parents made to take care of us. How can we ever begin to repay our parents for their time, money and love? Part of the answer comes in meeting their physical needs. Just as parents spend twenty years or so providing for the needs of their children, those children should be willing to spend whatever time and money is necessary to care and provide for their parents if the parents should become unable to do so for themselves. In so doing, they begin to "repay" the debt that they owe.
Jesus rebuked the Pharisees of his day for their abuse of the fifth commandment. Mark 7:9-13. "He said to them, ’All too well you reject the commandment of God, that you may keep your tradition. For Moses said, "Honor your father and your mother"; and, "He who curses father or mother, let him be put to death." But you say, "If a man says to his father or mother, ’Whatever profit you might have received from me is a gift to God," then you no longer let him do anything for his father or his mother, making the word of God of no effect through your tradition which you have handed down. And many such things you do.’"
We don’t know all the details of this business of pledging one’s estate to God in order to be relieved of obligation to one’s parents. But apparently, under certain circumstances, a Jew could pledge something that he had to God. If a later situation of need arose involving his parents, there were certain legalistic rabbis who said you could refuse to use those resources for the benefit of his needy parents. Thus their tradition was being allowed to cancel out a primary command of God.
Jesus made it clear that honor of parents includes financial support of them when needed, God always intended for the family to be the chief agency by which the needs of individuals are met. We should be thankful for nursing homes and retirement centers. They provide the care that often cannot be given by the children of elderly or disabled parents. But let’s be honest, though. More often than not, those places are used as dumping grounds to avoid responsibility. And it’s not primarily the government’s job to take care for those who cared for me when I was young. It’s my responsibility.
Obviously, simply providing financial support for one’s parents in their old age falls far short of honor if it isn’t done with loving personal involvement. Money can be an expression of love but it can never a substitute for love.
A child can no more honor his parents by simply paying their bills than his parents could have responsibly raised him by only paying for his food, clothes, education, and other needs apart from loving care and personal involvement. Parents need to feel that they are not an imposition in the lives of their children, that they have a place where somebody remembers them, cares about them, and takes time out of a busy life to pay attention to them.
When our parents need our help, we honor God by meeting their needs.
5) Forgive Their Failings
We need to end here today because some of you here this morning are in real pain, maybe anger, maybe a little of both because you’ve been deeply hurt by your parents. No doubt, there were times in your life when it seemed that your parents did not put your best interests first -- they weren’t loving enough or they spent too much time at the office and not enough time with you.
And some of you perhaps grew up in homes where terrible evils and horrible sins were committed against you by the very people to whom God entrusted your safekeeping. I want you to understand that God is not saying here, "Just get over it. Ignore the pain, and deny that it ever happened." Perhaps there is the need for you to confront your parents and to discuss your pain in the hope that you can work through it together. In doing so, you can be free to truly honor your parents in the years ahead.
For some of you, confrontation and reconciliation are not possible, maybe because your parents have passed or maybe because they are unwilling to accept responsibility for their sins against you. If this is your case, let me encourage you to pray. Pray that you will not allow bitterness to control your life, that you can have a spirit of forgiveness toward those who hurt you, and that you won’t continue the cycle of pain by inflicting on your children what you had to suffer through. I encourage you to pray, as well, that somehow your pain will draw you closer to God. As David said in Psalm 27:10, "When my father and my mother forsake me, then the LORD will take care of me."
Conclusion:
I want you to see that this command of honoring your father and mother is so special that it has a promise attached to it. What is that promise? "...That your days may be long upon the land which the LORD your God is giving you."
Paul quotes this command and he says, in Ephesians 6, that this "is the first commandment with promise: ‘that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth.’"
How we treat our parents not only impacts them, it also impacts us. There is a blessing or a curse for us based on our treatment of our parents. To honor or fail to honor our parents is a choice that takes us down one of two roads. The choice is ours.
It is important for us to honor our parents and the time to do it is now. The day will come when we will be unable to show them the honor that we would like to give.
Some of you here this morning don’t have your parents with you any longer. I hope you don’t have to look back and say with regret, "You know, I never told my father how much I loved him. And as many times as I was in her house, ate her delicious cooking, and received her unfailing love, I never told my mother how much I loved her."
If you still have your parents but have been reluctant, embarrassed or simply thoughtless about giving them explicit statements and expressions of your love, don’t make the mistake so many others have lived to regret. Spend time with them. Drop them a note or call just to let them know you are thinking of them.
One last word -- a challenge, really -- to those of us who are parents: be honorable. Even though our honor isn’t based on our worthiness, we still need to live a life that makes it easy for our children to honor us.
We are to be teachers of what is good and right. We’re to teach our children the values that build character and the God that defines those values. And we’re to model for our children God’s values and his integrity and unconditional love. If we take our role as God’s authority in the home seriously, we have reason to hope that when our children leave home they will always choose to act justly and to love mercy and to walk humbly with their God.
The principle at the heart of this fifth commandment is this: make family a priority.
It’s a rather somber fact of life that neither children nor parents are around for long. Someday those children won’t be in your home, and someday those parents will be gone as well. Life is too short and the price is too high to put off the honoring for another day. Value your family and make them a priority.
