PULLING THE RABBIT FROM THE HAT
(Making Marriage Last a Lifetime)
Matthew 19:3-6
INTRODUCTION: (Video Clip - The Family Man - Chap. 8-57:33 - 9:1:00:04 - 2:31)
There is probably not a couple here that can’t identify with Jack and Kate in that clip. All of us have had a “few surprises thrown at us” in our marriages. Whether it’s “surprise we’re pregnant” or an unexpected illness or career change or worse - marriage brings both good times and bad. How do marriages survive those surprises? The change, disappointments, mistakes? How do we cope with the fact that “sometimes the dance is slow and sweet and some days we’re bouncing off the wall?” “How do you look at it?” And more importantly, how do we pull this proverbial rabbit from the hat and get our marriages to become “great success stories?” The truth is, many of them aren’t.
Over 4 million Americans will get married this year. Most of them will expect to keep their commitment for a lifetime. But figures now show that over 2 million of them will be divorced before they reach the 15th year. Many of them will say what one girl did, "I wanted a good deal, I got a raw deal, now I want a new deal." And I believe that one of the keys to a fulfilling marriage, lies in this area of our promises. The vows we gave when we were married were serious words of commitment to our spouse and they were very serious to God. But is it realistic to think that we can keep love and our marriages fresh for a lifetime? Our drama certainly pointed out the fact that there is a lot of change from the wedding day that takes place. So is it realistic to vow to stay with one person for as long as we both shall live? This morning I want us to consider that it’s not only right but essential to do so for 3 reasons:
I. GOD DESIGNED MARRIAGE TO LAST:
First, it is essential because God designed marriage to last. Understand that the source of our commitment to each other as husband and wife is not from man but God. In Matthew 19 Jesus is accosted by some religious leaders. I say accosted because the Scripture tells us that they came to test him. And what was their test? How long did Jesus think a married couple should stay together? You see the religious leaders wanted Him to make a major mistake in public so that His popularity would nose dive. So they asked Him a complex question that was certain to alienate some of the audience no matter how He answered. And so we read in Vs:3- “Some Pharisees came to interview him and tried to trap him into saying something that would ruin him. ‘Do you permit divorce?’ they asked.”
Jesus answered their question by taking them back to the source of marriage. He simply quoted from the first book of the Bible. Vss:4-6 of our text: “Don’t you read the Scriptures?” He replied. “In them it is written that at the beginning God created man and woman, and that a man should leave his father and mother, and be forever united to his wife. The two shall become one - no longer two, but one! And no man may separate what God has joined together.”
In fact Jesus here is quoting Genesis 2:24 which is repeated 4 times in the Bible. It’s as if God wants to impress this indelibly on our minds, "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife. (NIV) Notice there’s no escape clause there. That’s because in God’s will, the length of our commitment in marriage, is for life. From the beginning God set forth the ideal - one man for one woman for one lifetime. Jesus said, "That’s the way it was meant to be from the beginning.” There is to be a definite decision to leave parents. That doesn’t mean that parents are to be loved any less but it does mean that the new relationship has a deeper priority. That’s the point Jesus was making in Matt.19 by telling the Pharisee’s "Divorce was never a part of God’s original plan." Marriage as created by God is to be based on steadfastness that will attempt to make the most out of a difficult life, two people clinging to each other in a relationship no matter what.
Many couples in their weddings use the "unity candle ceremony" where they take two individual candles and light one main candle. Then they blow out the individual ones, just leaving the main one burning. That symbolizes what Jesus also said they are "..no longer two, but one." Now, how are we one? Well that oneness certainly refers to the physical joining that occurs on your wedding night but it is also a process as we adjust, as we learn about each other. We become one over the years. Couples that have been married for a long time begin to think alike, act alike and even some will say they start to look alike. A preacher friend of mine tells about the time one of the couples in their church celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary. Someone said to the groom of 50 years, "50 years is a long time with one woman." And with a twinkle in his eye he replied, "Yep, but not nearly as long as it would of been without her." “... a man should leave his father and mother, and be forever united to his wife. The two shall become one - no longer two, but one! And no man may separate what God has joined together." That’s not our idea but God’s ideal. He’s the source of our commitment. He designed marriage to last.
II. WE NEED MARRIAGE TO LAST:
Now the reason God designed marriage for life is because we need it to last. I believe that every commandment of God is for our own benefit. 1 John 5:3- "His commands are not burdensome." (NIV) They are for our own good. I can think of three reasons why we need to make a lifetime commitment..
(1) Because love demands it. For love to be realized at it’s deepest level we have to give of ourselves completely. You see, if love is not a lifetime commitment than there is no way to trust our partner without reservation; and that creates insecurities and self-protection that inhibits love. That is why the expression "making love" isn’t a good one. You don’t manufacture love you give it. And to give unreservedly requires a confidence and a trust in the commitment of the other. Even the world is learning this concept. In an article in the Denver Post some time ago it was pointed out that a new study and book entitled, The Case For Marriage, is proving that marriage is good for you in lots of ways. Linda Waite and Maggie Gallager wrote the book and say the statistics are pretty black and white. Part of the article said, “..the authors stress that wedlock - the piece of paper that says a couple is married - is important... This shared understanding and public declaration makes a big difference... An increased confidence that the union is permanent encourages the couple to make the kind of investments in their relationship that pay off in the long run.” The study says that those who are married tend to have longer life spans, have greater financial security and are healthier. And these authors aren’t writing from a Christian perspective but once again we see the researchers climb the mountain of knowledge only to find the Bible waiting for them at the top.
(2) Because our children deserve it. How many times have you heard from people with children, who are contemplating divorce say, "Oh, the kids will be okay. They’ll adjust." You know what that is? Simple rationalization for selfishness. There is no way that the children aren’t hurt deeply by divorce. One study looked at the long range effects of divorce on children. They found to their surprise, that more children were troubled 10 years after the family break up than at the outset. The article said, "Almost half of the children of divorce were entering adulthood as "worried, underachieving, distrustful and sometimes angry young men and women." Now I know that the children do survive, many of them even succeed. But let’s be honest. Divorce is a tremendous blow to children regardless of their age. I’ve talked to people in their 30’s and 40’s who have just learned that their parents are getting a divorce and they are devastated. No child that ever experiences a broken home forgets it, & none deserve it. That’s why God says about marriage in Mal 2:15. Let’s read this together. "You were united to your wife by the Lord. In God’s wise plan, when you married, the two of you became one person in his sight. And what does he want? Godly children from your union. Therefore, guard your passions! Keep faith with the wife of your youth." Our children need a lifetime commitment.
(3) I believe we need marriage to last because our culture needs it. I don’t think the world needs more books and sermons about matrimony, as much as it needs to see some triumphant marriages. Our culture needs to see some people who are modeling it out in front of them. Our society is lost on the waves of indecision and non-commitment. You see it in the lack of loyalty of athletes to their teams, employees to their employers, even members to their churches. But a couple that stays committed to each for a lifetime stems that tide just a little. That’s why we applaud those that make it to their 50th or beyond. They show that it is possible and thus give hope to others. And for the Christian. When we stay together people are attracted to the source of our strength - Jesus Christ.
III. WE PROMISED MARRIAGE WOULD LAST:
Alright, we have seen that God designed marriage to last and that we need it to last so let’s spend a little time and review those vows that we said, when we promised that marriage would last. One of the things I tell couples in premarital counseling is that the vows they are making are not just to each other. They are vowing to God that they will keep their promises to each other. And making a vow is serious stuff to God. Ecc. 5 makes that very clear. “So when you talk to God and vow to him that you will do something, don’t delay in doing it, for God has no pleasure in fools. Keep your promise to him. It is far better not to say you’ll do something than to say you will and then not do it.In that case, your mouth is making you sin. Don’t try to defend yourself by telling the messenger from God that it was all a mistake to make the vow. That would make God very angry...” So, what exactly are these vows.
Well, when I perform a wedding ceremony I like the couples to repeat at least a form of the traditional marriage vows. They’re not in the Bible but they have withstood the test of time and they demonstrate Biblical principles. Plus, when that couple goes to another wedding they hear their vows reiterated and are reminded of their own wedding day when they made this pledge to each other.
Now, on May 25, 1974 the wedding of Timothy Max Smith and Deborah Ann Noble took place in Boca Raton, FL. The first phrase of our vows was: "I Tim take you Deb" That means I accept her as she is. Marriage is not a good vehicle to try and transform the other person into what we want them to become. When you take your mate, you are making a pledge that you are accepting that person just the way they are. There are positives that will bless you and there are negatives that will irritate you. We are flawed partners. Somebody has said that on her wedding day a bride has her mind on three things. The aisle, the altar and him. And as she walks toward him she is often saying, "I’ll altar him." But it doesn’t work that way. Marriage is an institution but it is not a reform school
I used to love to date Deb. She is very practical about money. In other words she was a cheap date. No... She didn’t care if I spent all kinds of money on her or if I didn’t spend anything at all as long as we were together. Now she still is good with money. That is why she handles the checkbook at our house, because she thinks through our income and expenditures. Now, money doesn’t burn a hole in my pocket but there are certain things I like to have certain ways and I don’t mind spending the extra money to keep them. i.e., I really prefer to drink Coca-Cola. I only like Heinz Ketchup and I desire the toilet paper that is "squeezable soft". I don’t mind spending a little extra for those things. I also do not like the gas gauge in my car to get below 1/4 of a tank. Now Deborah, on the other hand, would drink “Sams” Cola, eat any Ketchup that’s red and drive her car on empty, daring it to run out. And it’s won that dare more than she’ll care to admit. And you know what? I’m not going to change those things. I think Ruth Graham had it exactly right when she said, "It’s not my job to change Billy, it’s my job to love him, God will make the changes."
To be my wedded wife/husband. The word “wedded” in the Latin means “to weave.”We agree to a weaving process. That means we are no longer an entity unto ourselves. It’s no longer "my money", no longer "my time." I am accountable to you for where I go and what I spend. You can ask me where I’ve been or where I’m going. Every couple needs space but there’s a wedded, a weaving process taking place that requires that you share.
To have and to hold. I take this as the only claim to a personal right in the marriage vows. The Bible says that when you get married that your body no longer belongs just to you but it belongs to your mate. They have you. Scripture clearly states that intimate relations should never be used as a punishment or reward. 1 Cor. 7:4-5 "The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband also gives authority over his body to his wife. So do not deprive each other of sexual relations."(NLT) When you get married, your body no longer belongs just to you, but to your mate. And we are to hold each other. Not only in our arms but to safeguard each other. 1 Cor.13:7 says, "love always protects."(NIV)
From this day forward. Strange thing about a wedding. Couples say after the ceremony, "Are we really married? I mean we did so much planning for this day, we spent all kinds of money for this day and in a 45 minutes we’re married? I don’t feel any different." Believe me from this day forward, it’s different! And from this day forward you better remember this day when it rolls around again or it could be serious trouble.
For better or for worse. Please understand, in every marriage there is going to be for worse times. There are going to be times which you feel that you married for worse. There are going to be times of financial stress, times of tragedy, times where you have a battle of wills. Your attitude during those times is going to make or break your marriage. If you take the attitude that when we have difficulty, my partner is either going to have to change or I’m getting out. You probably will. But if you say from the beginning, "We’re in this for a lifetime and if we have trouble we’re going to work it through..” then you probably will. The future hinges on the commitment, "For better or for worse."
The late Mike Royco wrote a national column out of the Chicago Tribune and he once told about a friend of his who was falling in love and his friend said that he was going to take his girl to a Seaside resort, stay for the week-end. And he said, "If it clicks, "I’m going to ask her to marry me." Mike Royco said, "That’s dumb! Don’t take her to a Seaside resort to see if it clicks, everything clicks at a Seaside resort, where your free and you’ve got the water and the beach, it’s like you’re on vacation. If you want to see if it clicks take her to Krogers when she’s unloading grocery carts and see if she handles the heavy bags or sticks you with them. If you want to see if it clicks, when you’re changing clothes, throw your underwear in one corner, your socks on the lamp, your shirt on the window sill and then tell her to pick them up. If you want to see if it clicks borrow several whining children with running noses, who have a tendency for car sickness, and take them on an all day drive and pretend the A/C isn’t working and see how she responds. If you want to see if it clicks, tell her you’re going to play a fast game of softball and you’ll be right back. Then come back about 2am with 12 of your buddies and sit around the table and ask her to whip up some sandwiches for you. See if she seems visibly happy to serve "Mr. Right" and his friends." ... It is so important during those for worse times to remember, it doesn’t matter if it clicks or not! We are in it for life!
For richer, for poorer. Financial troubles certainly put a stress on marriage. But prosperity should also concern us. J. Oswald Sanders said, "Not every man can carry a full cup." And I’ve seen a lot of marriages that can’t carry a full cup without spilling it. People who did well, until there came promotions, and inflated ego’s & job pressures & flirtations and vacations alone and the marriage just kind of crumbled. If God blesses you financially. You be very grateful to Him and you vow to be loyal to your partner, "for what does it profit you if you gain the whole world and lose your home?"
In sickness and in health. Hopefully, your partner won’t get seriously sick. But I’ll tell you the truth, even if they stay healthy, they’ll get old. They’re going to get some wrinkles, gain a few pounds or get bald, and if your marriage commitment has not deepened beyond looks, you’re in trouble. Would you buy a house just because you liked the paint? No! You buy it for what’s on the inside. So don’t get caught in the trap of ruining your marriage because something looks a little better on the outside. Everybody ages and so will you. It’s so much more fulfilling to grow old together.
To be a true and devoted husband. We need to cherish our mates with our undying devotion no matter what circumstances bring. Guys, 1 Peter 3:7 tells us, "be considerate of our wives.." (NIV) We can be so cruel sometimes, our macho spirits can be so condescending. You make sure you devote yourself to speaking to your wife lovingly. And girls you make sure you devote yourself to making sure your husband knows he’s your hero. Compliment him, tell him how much you respect him. He needs to hear, `I’m proud of you.’" Devout yourself to cherishing one other.
So long as we both shall live. Remember, there is no free agency here. There is no escape clause in this agreement. The Bible does say that divorce is permissible because of adultery or desertion but it never says that those things can’t be forgiven. God’s will is plain. We are to make this commitment to be faithful until we die.
Now, would you be willing to make that commitment- again? We want to give each married couple who desires, a chance to reaffirm their vows to each other. So, would you stand and hold your mate’s right hand.
Reaffirming our vows - (Separate sheet) Say your name - look at each other.
John & Margie Cooper were married in 1941. They settled down on a farm with high hopes of becoming the nation’s largest onion growers. But 4 years later after Margie had given birth to 2 children, she fell victim to polio and spent the majority of her time years completely bedridden. Gone were all the payoffs that John had expected to receive from his alliance with Margie. There was no housekeeper, no sex partner, no child care. Gone also were all aspirations of a big farm because you just don’t compete in "big" farm industry if you have to give a big chunk of your time to a wife who has polio. When John & Margie celebrated their 50th wedding, someone who didn’t know him well asked John to explain his years of unselfish devotion to an invalid wife. John said something worth remembering, "How do I explain my years of devotion to Margie? Well, I promised in the beginning that I’d stay with her no matter what, and I’m a man of my word." Now that may seem simplistic to some but for John Cooper it was the bottom line and he never looked back. And I would say to you this morning, the most essential ingredient to a happy marriage is making a promise and never looking back.
If you don’t remember anything else I’ve said this morning will you remember this? God has not called you to be happy. He has called you to be obedient. And when you are obedient He will see that ultimately you are fulfilled. Your life will have meaning and your marriage will be worthwhile. Zig Ziegler says, "Sometimes you see on the marquee of a motion picture theater the caption, "The Greatest love story ever told.” But the greatest love stories are probably never famous. They are about couples who stay with each other through it all for the glory of God."
PRAYER
Next Step: But the Greatest of all love story is in John 3:16 - God so loved the world that he gave His one and only Son.. And that’s not just a lifetime commitment but an eternal one.”
{All Scripture taken from The Living Bible unless otherwise noted.}
