“THE GREAT COVER-UP”
(Understanding our Roles in Marriage)
EPHESIANS 5:21-33
INTRODUCTION: (Video Clip - Mona Lisa Smile - Chp. 24:1:30:20 - 1:32:45 - 2:25)
It is obvious that Ms. Watson, played by Julia Roberts and Joan, played by Julia Stiles, have very different views on the role of a wife. For Ms. Watson a housewife has no depth, no intellect, no interests... but Joan, much to Ms. Watson’s chagrin, doesn’t think becoming a lawyer is as important as the role of wife and being at home to raise her children. But that dialog is not surprising because there are many who are confused about not only the role of a wife but of a husband as well.
As we continue to explore marital happiness we come to one of the most practical and most needed passages in the Bible for restoring or keeping the magic in marriage. Last week we were reminded that God’s plan from the beginning has been: “One man for one woman for one lifetime.” And shouldn’t the One that designed matrimony be the best One to tell us how marriage functions best? God established marriage and designed the roles of the husband and wife. So, it makes sense to take His advice.
Now for some you this is “old ground” but I believe that we need to have God’s design for marriage branded on our hearts again and again. As someone once said, “It may not be as important to learn new truths as it is to be reminded of the old ones.” But for some, what we are going to discuss today will be new. My prayer is that we will all take to heart what God has to say in these verses because the Bible is God’s marriage manual. Now, as we begin, I want to warn you that much of what we say will go against popular thought. What we are about to talk about to me, is the “Great Cover-up” in marriage. Much of our culture neither understands or is interested in the truth this passage has to give to our homes. So, this morning you are going to be faced with two choices. You can look at the Scriptures we talk about & refuse to accept them, thinking of them as irrelevant jargon that has no application. Or you can admit that since God is the Creator and designer of marriage that maybe He knows better than we do. So, let’s look at this very important topic and see what God has to say.
I. ONE TO ANOTHER: SHARED SUBJECTION Vs:21
Before we actually get into the roles and responsibilities of wives and husbands I want to begin our discussion by understanding the concept of submissiveness. Let’s read vs:21 together.“Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” This verse introduces a concept that certainly goes against what the world teaches. The world’s basic attitude is "Me First." We hear it espoused in such phrases as "Don’t let people push you around!" “No one has the right to impose their values on me!” “Look out for No. 1”
But the “Me First” philosophy is exactly opposite of what Jesus Christ taught.
Jesus’ point of view for living was not “me first” or even “put others first,” but it was to put Him first. Did you notice the wording of vs:21? We are to submit to one another out of what? “reverence for Christ.” You see when we put Him first, then, and only then, we will understand what it means to put others first or “submit to one another.” So, let’s look at a few Scriptures that talk about what our attitude is to be. Here are two passages that clearly tell us our attitude is to be submissive not assertive.
Matt. 20:25-28 is a passage where two disciples ask to be prominent in Jesus’ plans. “But Jesus called them together and said, “You know that in this world kings are tyrants, and officials lord it over the people beneath them. But among you it should be quite different. Whoever wants to be a leader among you must be your servant, and whoever wants to be first must become your slave. For even I, the Son of Man, came here not to be served but to serve others, and to give my life as a ransom for many.”(NLT) He didn’t say be assertive he said, be what? A servant. In Philippians 2 Paul talks about how Jesus was equal, spiritually, with God and certainly superior to us and yet He humbled Himself and became obedient to God and submissive to our needs. “In your lives you must think and act like Christ Jesus. Christ himself was like God in everything. But he did not think that being equal with God was something to be used for his own benefit. But he gave up his place with God and made himself nothing. He was born to be a man and became like a servant. And when he was living as a man, he humbled himself and was fully obedient to God, even when that caused his death—death on a cross.” (NCV)
I don’t want you to miss this point! If you believe in God you are to have a submissive spirit towards others. Because the question for someone who is interested in pleasing God is not, "Should I be submissive?" but "To whom does God want me to submit?" Eph. 5:21 makes the point that we are not only to be submissive to those who have delegated authority over us but we are to be submissive to those who are equal to us or even under us. How exactly do we do that? Like Jesus we act in the best interest of others. Parents, we do that all the time. You have authority over your child, and are called upon at times to exercise it. But as a loving parent you also are always looking for ways to serve your child. Many times you submit yourself to what is best for them even if it means sacrifice for you. That’s following Jesus. He has authority over us but what did He do? He came in the flesh to serve us and submitted to dying on the cross for us. This verse is revolutionary in terms of having right relationships, not just with husbands and wives but with anyone.
II. WIVES: SUBMISSIVE SPIRITS: Vss:22-24
And that brings us to a wife’s Godly responsibility in the home- to have submissive spirits. Ladies, let’s read this one aloud together: Vss:22-24- “Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the Church, His body, of which He is the Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.”
Now, believe me, I know that I’m treading on a minefield here. We’ve gone from saying that we all should be submissive to each other to now applying the dreaded “S” word to how wives should respond to their husbands. This is really counter-culture! To the world suggesting that a wife be submissive is chauvinistic, archaic and uneducated. But God simply says- "Wives submit to your husbands." Now, I really believe that most women react to this unfavorably because there aren’t many who have taken the time to explain what Biblical submission really means. I believe when you understand you not only will accept the concept but embrace it. So, ladies let’s look very carefully at what it means to be Biblically submissive. And it may be best to first discuss what Biblical submission is not and husbands don’t check out here. You need to hear this just as much as the ladies because I know some husbands who think this is a proof text for treating their wives in a very ungodly manner.
Biblical submission does not mean inferiority. The Bible, nowhere says that wives are inferior to their husbands. This verse doesn’t even say women be submissive to men, it says wives be submissive to husbands for the sake of your home. Wives, please hear me.. God is not saying here that the husband is the superior spouse. No, submission is simply a part of God’s design for the home. But what God has designed makes perfect sense. Think of it this way.
Last Sunday was the Super Bowl. Now, during that game like in all NFL games, every time the team went into the huddle they had 45 seconds to call a play, get to the line and hike the ball. Now wouldn’t it be stupid if no one was in charge in that huddle? If everyone came and all 11 players discussed what play they thought was best? The lineman would want one play, the receivers another.. They’d never break out of the huddle! That’s why the coach gives the quarterback delegated authority in that huddle. He calls the plays! Maybe someone in the huddle is smarter than Tom Brady or Donovan McNabb. Maybe someone does have a better play! But someone has got to make the final decision and call the play and get to the line and that’s the quarterback. It is the delegated authority needed to make a team successful. Being submissive has nothing to do with talent or intelligence but everything to do with following God’s design and have the most peaceful and effective marriage and home!
Being submissive is NOT surrender. It doesn’t mean you have to be a doormat. The Bible doesn’t say “be submissive to your husband like France was to Hitler.” Being submissive does not mean you can never give your opinion or advice.. To the contrary.. Every husband should depend on your input! Take our huddle illustration. If a receiver knows he can beat his man should he not say very quickly: “Tom, I think xyz34 slant would work because this rookie corner bits on the out every time.” Absolutely! In fact if you don’t give that information you will be hurting the team! And it would be wise for the Quarterback and the coaches to listen because it could help the team and that is what is most important.
So what does this word “submission” mean here? It means to voluntarily accept God’s delegated authority. Wives simply saying, “Since God knows what is best, and He has said for me to be submissive to my husband and allow him to be the leader in the home then I voluntarily submit to God and therefore my husband.” Notice ladies, it says, "Submit to your husbands as to the Lord." You see, you’re submissive, not because your husband has proved himself to be better or brighter but because God has requested it. When a wife is submissive to her husband, she honors her obligation to the Lord, whether the big lug deserves it or not.
Now, what does it mean in a practical way? It means that you don’t rebel against your husbands leadership. You don’t dig your trench and say, "I don’t care what you say, I’m not going along with that. Who do you think you are telling me what to do? You’re not my boss!" It means you don’t ridicule your husband. You don’t cut him down, you don’t belittle him. Instead you respect your husband. That’s right.. R-E-S-P-E-C-T. “All I’m asking is for a little respect when I get home.” In fact, in Vs:33 we have one of the few “must” scriptures in all the Bible. It’s for married couples and for the wives it says: “..the wife must respect her husband.” Respect is a command not an option.
To close this section I want you to see what I think is one of the greatest examples of what we’ve been talking about and surprisingly it’s in a Hollywood motion picture. In “The Family Man” Jack, the husband, has made a career decision without consulting Kate, his wife. Because the opportunity is so lucrative Jack is ready to root up his whole family for the “better life.” There are some tense moments between the two of them but when the dust settles Kate communicates with her husband about this very volatile situation. I want you to listen to Kate’s ultimate response to Jack’s decision. Watch her body language, her tone and listen to her words.
VIDEO CLIP - The Family Man - Chap. 14:1:35:12 - 1:36:59 - 1:47
“I choose ‘us.’” You see, ladies that’s what submission is.. But I would rephrase Kate’s final words by telling you that when you are submissive the way God talks about here you’re saying, “I choose God and His ways and in doing so I choose us.”
III. HUSBANDS: LOVING LEADERS: Vss:25-33
Thank-you ladies, now, let’s move on to the husband. Guys, I’ll be honest with you.. I think we have the tougher job. Because while our wives are to support and respect us God is looking for us to lead, but not lead just any old way we want, but to lead as He wants.. The husband is to be the loving leader of the home. First, look again at vs:23. Guys, let’s read this one together - just the men: “For the husband is the head of the wife. as Christ is the head of the Church, His body, of which He is the Savior.” Men this is crucial: You are to lead your home the same way Christ leads the church. When you think in those terms you automatically know that loving leadership is not a dictatorship! Let’s face facts. Some men don’t handle leadership well, they bark out orders, they set down arbitrary rules. In fact, I know some men who actually take this passage and say, "I am the leader, you will be submissive, do you understand?" If you ever find yourself saying something like that just understand this: You have missed the whole point of this passage! You see the question of real leadership is: “Do you force or inspire others to follow? Which did Jesus do? Did He or does He force people to follow Him or is His love so great that people are inspired to follow him? Let me ask you guys. How do you treat your wife when she has a different opinion than you? Think of how Jesus treated people. Are you patient? Jesus was.. Are you tender? Jesus was.. Are you willing to discuss? Jesus was..
Guys, please get this point: Leading like this passage says is an obligation before Almighty God. With that in mind, here are 5 characteristics that make up a Godly husband’s leadership and form the acronym L.E.A.D.S,
(1) Husbands we are to lead lovingly. Vs:25- “Husbands love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave Himself up for her..” Now, what does it mean in a practical way? It means you lead lovingly, sacrificing yourself for her. That’s what Jesus did for the Church. That means men put down the paper or mute the TV when she’s talking and really listen to her. That means you think of her first. Maybe you give up playing sports, in order to go shopping. Deb’s been writing in my notes again.
A survey was taken several years ago of Christian wives and they were asked to list the ways in which their husbands were considerate or ways they wish they were considerate. It is impressive how many women mentioned little things like doing the chores around the house without being asked, letting the wife off in front of the church when its raining, communicating instead of just grunting from behind a newspaper, remembering special days and understanding the "little things" as he sees them are really "big things" to her. Ask yourself: “What have I done this past week to show my wife how much I love her?” Come on, I’ll give you a second. What have you done this week. Some of you are thinking too hard! I challenge you today as you go home ask your wife this question. “Honey what are 3 things that I could do this week to demonstrate how much you mean to me?” Now, beware.. She may think that an alien has taken over your body but keep asking it... and then follow through! We lead lovingly.
(2) Husbands need to lead emotionally. Look at why Jesus gave Himself up, died for us, the church. Vss:26-27- “...to present her - as a radiant church without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.” You know what that means? Jesus makes sure we know just how valuable we are to Him. He wants us to feel his love and know that we will live with Him forever. We are to do much the same with our wives. Oh, I know you can’t present her without wrinkle or any blemish physically but you can make her feel that way emotionally. All of us need to be aware of the differences that God has created in us so that we can be more sensitive to each other. You probably know this but like me you may need reminded. Men respond primarily to what we see, what is visible. We see a pretty woman.. we look, because we respond to the physical. It is why we like our wives to look attractive, to dress nice and look good. But here’s where we men miss it! We think the women respond primarily to the physical. That’s why you see guys out "pumping iron" trying to make their bodies look good. But women do not respond primarily to the physical. In their emotional and sexual response to you it is not how you look, nearly as much as how they’re treated. Right, ladies? Guys, if you want to lead effectively and want your wife to respond warmly to you.. you tell her she’s special, you put her on a pedestal. You touch her arm gently when you walk by her in the kitchen, you hold her hand when you are walking her to the car.. and she’ll melt in your arms.
Husbands lead attentively. Vs:28- “In the same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies.” You pay attention to your body don’t you? Oh, I know, maybe not as well as we should sometimes. But if you’re hurt, if you have pain, you pay attention! Pay attention to your wives that way guys! Listen to her, really listen! Be attentive to her needs, to the needs around the home, to the children’s needs. A good leader leads by example.
(4) Husbands are to lead domestically. Vss:29-31 tell us that Christ cares for us like we feed for our own bodies. Most of us make sure eat! And we determined at one point to leave our parents home and set up our own domestic life. This means you lead in the area of the home. For example, finances. Now, I do not keep the check book in our house. I have a very qualified wife who does that because she is more skilled in that area. But am I responsible to be fully aware of where the money is coming from and where it is going and why. And maybe that is your case. But if it is you make sure that you take the lead in establishing budgets, determining major purchases, etc. And leading domestically means that you do not make the wife handle all the home duties. Yes, you help around the house. A good leader leads by example.
(5) Husbands lead spiritually. In many homes it is the mother who is the spiritual head of the house. It is the mother who says, "We need to go to Church, we need to have prayer at the table, watch your language now." And what we find happening is that the kids grow up thinking that Christianity is for children and women only. It wasn’t really important to Dad. The strongest Christian homes are those where Dad takes the lead. The children hear him pray, he makes sure the families in Church, he’s not afraid to talk about God or the Bible. An intriguing study in 1994 found that the religious practice of the father of a family determines the future churchgoing habits of the children. 33% of children whose parents both attend services regularly will keep up the practice. But only 12% percent of the children will continue to go to church if Dad does not attend, even if Mom is a dedicated worshiper. But get this.. if Dad worships and Mom doesn’t, the percentage of children becoming regular worshipers is 64%! Guys, we set the spiritual temperature for our kids. And, Men, God is going to ask you about your involvement in the spiritual development not only of your kids but of your wife too. Let me ask you.. Do you pray with her? Do you have any devotions together? I’ll be honest with you men. If you will show your wife how much she means to you by sharing in the gracious gift of your spiritual life, and she’ll love and respect you more deeply than you can imagine.
Now, ladies, let me ask you something. If your husband would lead in the ways that we have talked about would you have any trouble at all submitting to Him in the way God says? Guys, you be the "thermostat" in the home, setting the emotional and spiritual temperature. The wife can be the "thermometer," letting you know just how hot or cold it is! The greatest result of wives who are submissive and husbands who are loving leaders is that Jesus Christ is exalted! Would you like a little heaven in your home? Charles Spurgeon said, “When the home is ruled by God’s Word, angels might be asked to stay with us, and they would not find themselves out of their element.” That’s the kind of marital magic God can bring: “Wives submit to your husbands as to the Lord.. Husbands love your wives, just as Christ loved the church..”
PRAY
