REVEALING THE SECRETS
(How to have an ideal marriage)
GENESIS 1:27-28; 2:18-25; 3:7-13
INTRODUCTION TO SERIES:
How bad is the state of marriage in America? Consider these statistics: The number of currently divorced adults has more than quintupled from 4.3 million in 1970 to 19.8 million in 2002. The median duration of marriage in the U.S. is 7.8 years. Only 1/3 of all married couples make it to 25 years and only 5% of all married couples make it to 50. (Stats from www.divorcemag.com/statistics)The home has become an unstable place instead of one that offers security, commitment & trust.
What do we do to reverse this trend? Some say we must get rid of “No-Fault Divorce” or requiring a “waiting period” before marriage, or secular counseling before divorce. With all due respect for all those ideas, I do not believe that any of them will fix our broken homes. You see it’s not the institution of marriage that’s the problem. The trouble is with the hearts of the people within the relationships.
That’s the purpose of this series. We’ve entitled it: "Marital Magic," because I believe we desperately need to restore stability to our marriages. And I believe the way to do that is to see matrimony from God’s perspective. God is the designer of marriage so who better to help us restore the magic than He?
Now, as always when we do this kind of series there are those who may not be directly effected. Some of you are single, widowed and have no desire to be married. I would ask that you listen, not as a consumer, but as one who might share with others, helping them in the future. Some of you are single and desire marriage. Some of you have a failed marriage in your past and don’t want to fail again. Some of you have good marriages and want to keep them that way. Some of you, quite frankly, are sitting here barely holding on to your marriage. Well, I am convinced that this Biblical perspective has the answers for our marriages and our homes. In the weeks to come we will deal with God’s roles and how to love for a lifetime but first...
INTRODUCTION OF SERMON:
Is there such a thing as an ideal marriage? Can a couple live happily ever after? Let’s get a clue from the “Gospel of Shrek - 2". Video CLIP - Shrek 2 -5:19:08 - 23:38- 4:30
Yes, even ogres have problems, even ogres in the movies don’t live happily ever after. Are there any answers to this dilemma? Is the remedy having all the things the Fairy Godmother suggests - She offers beauty, wealth, a well built husband, furniture, fashion all of the external trappings that our culture equates with "having it all." Is that it? Or does it go deeper than that? Are there any secrets or at least some suggestions for a strong marriage? Well, believe it or not there did once exist a perfect marriage.. at least for a while. To find it we have to go back to the beginning of time. A river is purest at its source and the first union should represent for us the standard and elevate our understanding of what God designed marriage to be. I want us to focus on three things about this first marriage that made it ideal and thus reveal the secrets for a strong and lasting marriage.
I. A RELATIONSHIP WITH PURPOSE:
I want you to see that the first marriage was a relationship with purpose. I want us to look at three from our text. The first purpose of marriage is given in Gen. 2:18. Notice that God put Adam & Eve together for companionship. “The Lord God said, It is not good for man to dwell alone. I will make a companion who will help him.” Now, the word "companion" means “ally” or “friend.” You see, God knew His creation exactly. He knew that man, generally does not function well alone. Did you know that statistics show that single men do not live as long as married men? If a man is a widower he doesn’t live as long as other married men his age. God knew that man needed companionship so He took action. But the first “companions” had nothing to do with marriage. 2:19- “So the Lord God formed from the soil every kind of animal and bird. He brought them to Adam to see what he would call them...”
That verse has always interested me. It almost seems out of place. I mean God says that man had no suitable companion, and we know that He eventually creates Eve. But first He parades all the animals before Adam so he can name them. What’s that got to do with man’s isolation? Is God the ultimate animal lover thinking the beasts will satisfy his loneliness? No, I think that God was giving Adam an object lesson to emphasize his need for human companionship. Adam enjoyed the animals but he couldn’t have partnership or deep, meaningful communication with them. And after looking at hippopotamus, monkeys, anteaters, aardvarks, giraffes and the like, a woman was going to look real good to Adam.
So, God did something incredible.. He performed the first very surgery. 2:21a- “..the Lord God caused Adam to fall into a deep sleep..” the first anesthesia. “He took one of Adam’s ribs and closed up the place from which he had taken it. 22Then the Lord God made a woman from the rib and brought her to Adam.” Now, couldn’t of God formed woman out of dust the way He had done man? Yes, but God created Eve from one of Adam’s ribs to show the unique closeness of this relationship. In my marriage ceremony I remind the couple.. "Now, notice that woman was not made out of man’s head to rule over him, nor out of his feet to be trampled upon by him.. but out of his side to be equal with him, from under his arm to be protected by him, from next to his heart that she might be his beloved." So, this unique creation was symbolic of the closeness and companionship that these two were to have.
Now, Adam wakes up after a deep sleep and there standing before him is the most gorgeous creature he’s ever seen. She is a bombshell, perfect in every way. What do you think was the first thing he said.. I just can’t imagine that the first words out of his mouth was.. "She is part of my own flesh and blood.." Or the more traditional: “She is bone of my bone, flesh of my flesh." Zig Zigler says Adam looked at Eve and said, “Whoa, man!” (Thus- wo-man) Wayne Smith thinks Adam said, "God, this is wonderful! This is great! Wrap her up I’ll take her, on second thought, don’t wrap her up, I’ll take her just as she is!" Whatever he said first, Adam and Eve had a special companionship - mentally, sexually, emotionally & spiritually.
God not only established marriage for the purpose of companionship but when you look at Gen. 1:28 you see it was for the purpose of raising children. “God blessed them and told them, Multiply and fill the earth.” God made us as sexual beings so that we would have a wonderful way to express our love and so that we would replenish the earth. But He specified that sex was to be enjoyed only inside of marriage so that the children would grow up in a secure, moral environment. It was never God’s intention that there would be unwanted or insecure children, never his intention that they would not have moral standards given to them by both parents.
And the consequences of the break down of the American home is being seen in our children. If you think that you can get divorced and it not have a lasting effect on your offspring you are either naive, misinformed or maybe just plain selfish. I would recommend a book to you entitled Helping Children Survive Divorce by Dr. Archibald D. Hart. In it he shows that divorce is more traumatic on children than the death of a parent. There is no closure in divorce, there is more insecurity, more confusion, and more instability for children of divorce because they are trying to please both parents who are seldom pleased with each other. God intended our children to be reared in stable, secure, spiritually strong environments.
But there is another purpose of marriage: not just for companionship, not just for child rearing.. but look at 2:24 and see that the purpose of marriage was also to be a positive testimony to others. Here is a passage of Scripture that is repeated 4x in the Bible so you know that God thought it was important. “For this reason a man will leave his father and his mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.” Now, we all understand the one flesh phrase but what is the "for this reason"? Or as some translations have it “this explains why..”Why does a couple leave their parents for each other? In this case Adam and Eve didn’t even have parents to leave! So, what’s God’s point here? What’s “for this reason”? What’s the explanation?
There are a number of explanations offered but the mystery is really not completely cleared up until the last time it’s repeated in Eph.5:31-32. It says there: "This is a great mystery, but it is an illustration of the way Christ and the church are one." You see, a Christian marriage is to be a positive testimony to the world of Jesus’
love. Think of how He loved: unconditionally, sacrificially, determined and faithful. And when a couple demonstrates Christ-like love- unconditional, sacrificial, determined and faithful it becomes a positive testimony to the world on how God loves mankind. But when a Christian marriage breaks up there is a double tragedy. Not only is the family affected but the world says, "Ah, see, those people believe in God and they are no different." And a testimony is ruined.
So, the ideal marriage was purposeful. It supplied the need for companionship but it also supplied unselfish purposes- the stable environment for children and a positive testimony to the world.
II. A RELATIONSHIP THAT WAS EXCLUSIVE:
There is a second factor that made Adam and Eve’s marriage ideal and that is that it was an exclusive relationship. When the first couple got married Adam was the only man, Eve was the only woman. That means there was no second guessing. Adam wasn’t standing at the altar wondering if this was the best he could do. Eve didn’t look back years later wondering whether it would of all been better if she had married the captain of the football team. Adam didn’t compare Eve to others and Eve didn’t complain to Adam that he wasn’t as romantic as somebody that she’s seen on a soap opera. There was no insecurity in this relationship, they were committed to each other only. God wanted us from the start to understand this principle of exclusivity. That from the beginning God intended marriage to be one man for one woman for one lifetime. So Adam and Eve had no other options.
Now, that isn’t the way it is today is it? Unlike that first couple we are surrounded by 100’s of choices and comparisons. And there are a lot of married couples who constantly look over their shoulders wondering if they could do better, wondering if there is somebody else that could make them happier. But would you please understand this important spiritual principle: A Godly marriage, a strong marriage, is not based on the premise that "I captured the top prize available.” Because if you look long and hard enough you’ll probably find someone more attractive than this “top prize.” And guess what? Your mate might not even have to look as hard as you to find someone who tops you on the competition ladder! You see, God’s equation is not “have I found the right person?” but “Am I being the right person?” being the best mate I can be, honoring God AND doing that to the exclusion of anybody else! You see Genesis 2:24 not only speaks of the positive testimony a marriage is to have but it also speaks of spousal priority - they become one.
One author said it this way, "You need to murder the alternatives in your mind..” Let me ask you. What kind of signals do you send to others of the opposite sex? Do you send signals that tell everyone else of your exclusive commitment or do your signals suggest availability? Do you go out of your way to talk about your mate to others of the opposite sex in a positive and loving manner? Do you show affection to your mate in front of the opposite sex? Do you make sure that no one of the opposite sex thinks you might be open to an approach? Now, I know there may be wolves out there, both male and female, who might approach you no matter what you do, but there are definite signals you can send that will make that almost non-existent. One attractive woman executive says she deliberately takes steps to offset any overtures at the office. She has a picture of her husband in a very prominent place and whenever a male comes into her office to talk she will quickly mention her husband and their good relationship. You see sometimes we think that the only way we can be unfaithful to our mates is sexually. But anytime we are intimate with another we are unfaithful. And you can have intimate conversations, intimate looks and intimate body language that puts separation between you and your spouse. Jesus said in Matt. 19:5-6 - “And he said, ‘this explains why a man leaves his father and mother and is joined to his wife, and the two are united into one.’ Since they are no longer two but one, let no one separate them, for God has joined them together." And once you make your marriage an exclusive relationship mentally, emotionally and physically it is a big step in moving toward the ideal.
III. A RELATIONSHIP BASED ON THE SPIRITUAL:
Adam and Eve’s relationship was also ideal because it was based on the spiritual. For the first couple God was their top priority and at first sin was not a problem. Gen. 2:25- “The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.”Since there was no sin there was nothing to hide. Before sin there was no deception, no complaining and no inhibitions. Everything, literally, was going perfect. Adam was never late or preoccupied with work. Eve never burned supper or over charged credit cards. Because there was no sin there were no physical defects, no convenient head aches, no in-laws. Everything was without flaw but then sin entered into the garden.
The story is simple. The devil persuaded Eve to eat from a tree from which God had forbidden them to eat. She gave the forbidden fruit to Adam and he ate and the difference between 2:25 and 3:7 is incredible. After sin everything changes. 3:7 tells us that after sin.. "At that moment, (when they ate) their eyes were opened, and they suddenly felt shame at their nakedness. So they strung fig leaves together around their hips to cover themselves.” Sin made them self-conscience, it made them uncomfortable with each other, sin brought inhibitions, it alienated them from God and from each other. They immediately hide from God in Gen. 3:8 and place blame on each other. God asked Adam, “what have you done?” Instead of saying, “I’ve sinned.” He replied, "This woman, that You gave me, she messed things up." When God asked Eve what did she say? "It’s the serpents fault." And man’s been blaming his wife and wives have been calling their husbands snakes ever since!
But God designed marriage to be linked inseparably with Him. And there are a couple of immediate benefits for your marriage that are produced from a strong spiritual life. (1) Your commitment to each other is enhanced. Because it’s not just a commitment to the other person, it’s a commitment to God. The world’s view of love, that it’s a “warm, fuzzy, uncontrollable emotion,” may sound good in songs or look good on the screen, but it doesn’t last. But the love the Bible talks about, which is the love of the will, of “commitment no matter the cost”.. that kind of love lasts through struggles and trials. When you know, nothing is going to separate you, that divorce is not an option, that love is for always, there can be freedom and security in your marriage. (2) You have Christian friends who reinforce right values. If your primary friends are people of the world, that can have a negative effect on your marriage. But if your primary associations are people who know the Lord, their counsel, their example, will reinforce your relationship. You can go to them because they have the same values.
So, God designed marriage & in doing so established a purposeful relationship, an exclusive relationship and a spiritual relationship. So, from this Godly union let’s close by looking at three secrets of a strong marriage, three things to remember and remind yourself every day.
(1) Remember, no marriage is perfect, therefore, be realistic. One of the greatest problems in building a strong marriage is unrealistic expectations. You see, the problems with expectations is they can change with circumstances or time. Listen to the expectations of a wife in the mid-50’s. This is entitled: “How to be a Good Wife” and was purportedly taken from a high school economics text book in 1954.
Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious meal, on time. Prepare Yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so that you’ll be refreshed when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh looking. Remember he has just been with a lot of work weary people. Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash their hands and faces, comb their hair, and if necessary change their clothes. Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. Some don’ts: Don’t greet him with problems or complaints. Don’t complain if he is late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with what he might have gone through that day. Make him comfortable. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him. Listen to him. You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first if he wants. Make the evening his. Now, obviously those expectations were a long time ago. And I don’t know how realistic they were in 1954 but in this dual job, hectic schedule, fast food culture it’s ridiculous. And yet sometimes our expectations of each other are just as bad.
One of the most important things you can do in your relationship is to admit that both partners are flawed. We must come to the realization and be humble enough to admit that it is only by God’s love and grace that you have fellowship with Him. He loves us in spite of our imperfections. We are to love each other like he loves us. When you do that you become more tolerant of your mate’s mistakes. Sure they are not perfect.. Not in their looks, not in their actions. But neither are you!
(2) God must be involved, so be spiritual. As we mature spiritually it will produce a closer walk with God and our mate. Now, we’ll never know the perfection that Adam and Eve knew before sin, but we can have greater harmony in our marriages if we will seek God together. It’s like this triangle. God is at the pinnacle and the man and woman at the corners. The closer you get to the top the closer you come to each other. Now, that same illustration demonstrates that if only one of you is growing in the Lord, there will be a distancing between the two. But when two people grow together spiritually, the Lord enhances their relationship. Harvard University did a study which was updated recently by the A.F.A., which revealed this amazing statistic. 1 in 2 marriages in any particular year end in divorce. But when a couple attends and is active in a church, studies the Bible and prays together on a regular basis only 1 marriage in 1,105 end in divorce. 1 out of 2 or 1 out of 1,105.. which odds do you prefer? You see when Jesus Christ is brought to the center of your home, when your spiritual life is shared, God acts as an adhesive for your relationship.
(3) Remember the principle of spousal priority must be central - Be diligent. Make your mate the priority over parents, friends, children, work, anything. That kind of commitment eliminates insecurity and paves the way for companionship and love to grow. If you want to have the happiest and most fulfilling relationship there needs to be a mental exclusion in your commitment.
One of my favorite artists is Steven Curtis Chapman. He wrote a song called “I will be here” when his parents were going through a divorce. Steven said, “It was my way of saying to my wife, Mary Beth, ‘You are my priority, I meant it when I said, til death do us part.’” I’m going to ask you to take your mate’s hand. As you see and listen to these words will you together makes these words your commitment to each other.
“I Will Be Here.” 3:17 (Powerpoint with lyrics)
“I will be true to the promise I have made to you and to the One who gave you to me.. I will be here..” The ideal is been set.. A marriage with purpose, a relationship that is exclusive, and a union that is spiritually strong. That’s the secret to a long, strong marriage. Because homes focusing on God’s standard will stand the test of time and you’ll find that you’ll be able to say to the one God gave you.. “..when the mirror tells us we’re older.. I will hold you and watch you grow in beauty and tell you all the things you are to me.. Have no fear.. I will be here..”
Pray
