Summary: The first step to having love and harmony in your family is to get "past your past." In other words you’ve got to be able to forgive and move on. Here are 5 steps to forgiveness. . . *HANDOUT INCLUDED*

Living With Your Family Without Losing Your Mind

Let me take a little survey: How many of you have had conflict with members of your family?

Families are wonderful. . . but they can really be a pain to live with. Words get said, people get hurt and before you know it, you feel like the comedian who said:

“Who can ever forget Winston Churchill’s immortal words: "We shall fight on the beaches, we shall fight on the landing grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills." It sounds exactly like our family vacation.” (Robert Orben)

Even when really do love the other person, we try to show it in a way that they don’t understand, and people get hurt:

“To prove his love for her, he swam the deepest river, crossed the widest desert and climbed the highest mountain. She divorced him. He was never home.” (Rose Sands, The Saturday Evening Post. )

If you’re a teen here, you might know how this guys feels:

In 1978, Thomas Hansen of Boulder Colorado, sued his parents for $350,000 on grounds of "malpractice of parenting." His lawsuit claimed that Mom and Dad had botched his upbringing so badly, that he would need years of costly psychiatric treatment.

So this month, I’m preaching a series called “How to Live With Your Family Without Losing Your Mind”

How to Overcome Past Hurts in Your Family

There’s not a single one of us here that has not been hurt at sometime by someone in our family. It might be something very small:

- You were the brunt of a family joke.

- You were criticized.

It might be something from the past:

- You’ve been made to feel inferior your whole life.

- Your parents were abusive.

- Your parents loved their drugs more than they loved you.

It might be something from the present:

- He can’t let you be right.

- She can’t let you forget.

- He won’t take responsibility.

- He stays out late, forsaking his family.

- She spends without thinking of everyone else.

It might be something very serious:

- One partner had an affair.

- One family member has been abusive.

It seems like with all the blended family relationships these days (divorces, remarriages, stepchildren, his/hers/ours children) that there’s even more opportunity for hurt and bitterness!

Here’s the statement you’ve got to remember:

The only way to get over past hurts is to forgive.

During a children’s sermon one Sunday morning, I held up an ugly-looking summer shirt that I wore occasionally around the house. I explained to the children that someone said the shirt was ugly and should be thrown away.

"This really hurt me," I explained. "I’m having trouble forgiving the person who said those mean things. Do you think I should forgive that person?" I asked the children. Immediately, my six-year-old daughter, Alicia, raised her hand. "Yes, you should," she said without hesitation. "But why? The person hurt my feelings," I responded.

To which Alicia wisely answered, "Because you’re married to her."

SOURCE: Glenn E. Schaeffer, Christian Reader ("Kids of the Kingdom" September/October 1997)

3 things I want you to believe:

1. No matter how much there is to forgive, there is hope for your family.

Luke 7:41-43 Then Jesus told him this story: “A man loaned money to two people--$5,000 to one and $500 to the other. But neither of them could pay him back, so he freely forgave them both! Which do you suppose loved him most after that?”

“I suppose the one who had owed him the most,’’ Simon answered. “You have judged correctly,” Jesus answered. “...to whom little is forgiven, the same loves little."

The implication of this story is clear: Your family bond and family love can be stronger than ever if we will practice forgiveness!

2. Trying to get back at the other person will not satisfy you.

Proverbs 20:22 Do not say, "I will pay back evil"; Wait for the LORD, and He will save you.

3. If you won’t forgive others, God can’t forgive you.

Matthew 6:14-15 "For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.”

George Herbert said, “He who cannot forgive others breaks the bridge over which he must pass.” (T. T. Crabtree. Ed. The Zondervan 2001 Pastor’s Annual. Howard S. Kalb. “Forgiveness.” Grand Rapids: Zondervan Publishing House, 2001, p. 306).

4 steps to forgiveness:

1. Give up your right to get even or punish.

Romans 12:19 “Do not take revenge, my friends. . . for it is written, ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay, says the Lord.’” (NIV)

This is the ESSENCE of forgiveness!

Forgiveness is not feeling better.

It’s not feeling great waves of warm feelings for that person.

It’s not forgetting what was done to you.

It’s not giving up legal action, although you may choose to do that.

FORGIVENESS is releasing the right to do anything to get that person back. I’m not just talking about killing them or beating them up or stealing from them. I mean that I can’t:

- talk about them, so that everyone knows.

- withold something from them that they love.

- remind them continually to make them feel badly.

- Plant seeds in the kids’ minds about him.

It means I give up my right to get them back in ANY way.

2. Go and make it right.

Matthew 5:23-24 "Therefore if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.”

There are very few things like a good old-fashioned apology to make things better!

The word “be reconciled” indicates a complete change. Not that we’re going to be instant best friends, but I’ve done whatever was necessary to put that relationship back together.

3. Make a choice to change your actions.

Ephesians 4:31 Let all bitterness, rage, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all hatred.

Ask yourself: Have these words described the way my family and I have interacted in the past?

bitterness, rage & anger, clamor - literally means “shouting”, evil speaking, (talking badly, putting others down, gossiping,) hatred. . .

If they have, I’m asking you today to make the choice to change that! God can give you the ability to make that change – you don’t have to keep on living that way!

Here’s something you need to know about your brain: It’s made up of cells that are connected together in little places called “synapses.” Every time a thought travels down a certain path, that path gets stronger. Eventually, a RUT develops in your mind, and you start automatically thinking those thoughts.

You’ve been used to responding in a certain way. . . I’m asking you to get your mind out of that old rut, and choose to respond in a new way. Break that old thought habit, and think in a “forgiveness” way instead!

4. Once you’ve forgiven, don’t pick it back up.

Ephesians 4:32 And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God in Christ forgave you.

You heard about the 2 guys who were talking:

“Whenever I make a mistake, my wife gets historical."

"Don’t you mean hysterical?"

"No, historical. She tells me everything I ever did wrong."

How does God forgive us? The Bible says this:

“As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our sins from us.” Psalm 103:12

In other words, when He forgives, He’s not in the business of digging it back up and mulling it over.

One caution:

Don’t believe the stuff about “Forgive and forget” – that’s not usually the way it happens. There is no place in the Bible where it tells us to forgive and FORGET! God doesn’t forget our sins – but He doesn’t remember them against us. Even God doesn’t forget what you did wrong in the past. . . he just doesn’t hold it against you on your record! I’m not saying that you’ll forget what he/she did. . . I’m saying you can choose not to hold it against them!

Personal – several years ago, there was a person who told some things about my family that were not true. It was extremely hard on my parents. Gradually, from this source or another, we’d find out that something had been said. I remember that my mother had made a list of people that she knew this man had told these lies. The difficult thing was that this man was supposed to be a real Christian.

I remember the day when my mother told me she had destroyed the list. That was the day I knew she had completely forgiven in her heart.

That’s what I’m asking you to do. Do anything that is necessary to put it behind you.

Are there things you need to stop doing that remind you? Are there things you need to get rid of that keep it before you? Are there thoughts that you’ve been thinking that you need to banish from your mind?

5. Never stop forgiving.

Matthew 18:21 Then Peter came to Him and said, "Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times?"

22 Jesus said to him, "I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.”

Back in those days, it was traditional to say that you had to forgive three times. . . Peter thought he’d be extra spiritual and double that – and then even ADD one to it. (“Boy, Jesus sure ought to be proud of me!”)

But Jesus once again turns traditional thinking upside down and says, “No not 7 times – 490 times!” In other words, more times than you can keep count of!

“Paco, all is forgiven. Please meet me in the market at noon tomorrow.” The next day, 800 Pacos showed up at the market, all wanting to be forgiven.

I guarantee you that there are some people in your life who are waiting to be forgiven! I guarantee there are some relationships in your family that are waiting to be healed if you’ll forgive!

Here’s what I want you to do:

Action:

- If you have had bitterness against someone in your heart, I want you to ask God to forgive you right now.

- I want you to write down on your paper one person you will call or talk to before this day is over and ask forgiveness.

- I want you to write down on your paper one person you will give forgiveness to right now.

How many of you are thinking of someone right now that you need forgiveness for or from?

*Prayer*

_____________________________

HANDOUT - formatted for landscaped page, 1/2 inch margins, 1/2 inch between 2 columns

_____________________________

Overcoming Past Hurts in Your Family

Getting ready to move on. . .

The only way to get over past hurts is to _________________.

3 things I want you to believe:

1. No matter how __________ there is to forgive, there is ___________ for your family.

Luke 7:41-43 Then Jesus told him this story: “A man loaned money to two people--$5,000 to one and $500 to the other. But neither of them could pay him back, so he freely forgave them both! Which do you suppose loved him most after that?”

“I suppose the one who had owed him the most,’’ Simon answered. “You have judged correctly,” Jesus answered. “...to whom little is forgiven, the same loves little."

Your family bond and family love can be __________________ than ever if you will practice forgiveness!

2. Trying to ________ ____________at the other person will not satisfy you.

Proverbs 20:22 Do not say, "I will pay back evil"; Wait for the LORD, and He will save you.

3. If you won’t forgive ______________, God can’t forgive _____________.

Matthew 6:14-15 "For if you forgive men their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.”

“He who cannot forgive others _______________ the bridge over which he must pass.” - George Herbert

So HOW can I forgive others?

1. Give up your right to get _________ or _____________.

Romans 12:19 “Do not take revenge, my friends. . . for it is written, ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay, says the Lord.’” (NIV)

2. Go and make it ____________.

Matthew 5:23-24 "Therefore if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift.”

3. Make a ______________ to change your actions.

Ephesians 4:31 “Let all bitterness, rage, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all hatred.”

4. Once you’ve forgiven, don’t pick it _________ _______.

Ephesians 4:32 And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God in Christ forgave you.

How does God forgive us? “As far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our sins from us.” Psalm 103:12

There is no place in the Bible where it tells us to “forgive and forget.” God doesn’t forget our sins – but He doesn’t remember them _______________ us.

5. Never ___________ forgiving.

Matthew 18:21-22 Then Peter came to Him and said, "Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times?" Jesus said to him, "I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven.”

Action Ideas:

- If you have had bitterness against someone in your heart, I want you to ask God to forgive you right now.

- I want you to write down on your paper one person you will call or talk to before this day is over and ask forgiveness.

- I want you to write down on your paper one person you will give forgiveness to right now.