Several years ago, I read a case study in a book whose title I cannot remember so I will summarize from a copy of the case study that I still have in my possession. It was the story of a 16-year-old named Allan. Allan, his mother, and his younger sister, were referred to an adolescent health center for family counseling because Allan ran away a month earlier from home due to an argument with his mother about friends and curfews.
Now Allan was an excellent student and worked at a local gas station. He planned to attended college and major in one of the sciences.
Eventually Allan, during his time at the shelter, entered individual, family, and group counseling. During this time, he continued to attend school and resumed his part-time job.
Allan felt that his mother was too overprotected, seldom complimented him, and was overly critical of his friends and choice of clothes. His mother felt she had to be strict because she feared that his friends, especially some of his older friends, could lead him astray.
She constantly called the gas station where he worked to make sure that he was there, maintained a rigid curfew, and would not allow Allan to entertain his friends at home. During the counseling sessions, it became known that as Allan and his mother tried to discuss their differences, they would deteriorate into shouting matches about lack of love and appreciation, over protection, and which parent was responsible for the divorce.
The sister claimed that neither Allan nor their mother could talk about the issues because they could not listen to the other person. Eventually they learned how to listen and understand the other’s perspective without getting defensive and they continue to have family counseling that included Allan’s father.
Running away is a serious problem in our country. Joseph White, in his book The Troubled Adolescent says that 1 in 8 teens between 12 and 18 will run away at least once. The majority, he notes, are white girls, either 15 or 16, who have never had trouble with the law, who return within 48 hours and never go more than 50 miles from home.
That’s the majority. There is the minority- those who are other ages, those who are in trouble with the law, those who are from various ethnic groups, and those who are boys. Which brings me to our text for this morning and a question, ‘”From what was the youngest son running?”
Teens (and kids and adults) runaway for a variety of reasons: It sounds grand – like Tom Sawyer and Huck Finn. To escape from abusive environments – at home or in the neighborhood. It is seen as delinquent behavior. And, some see it, as a step toward defining oneself.
(Let me say at this point: “Everyone present within the sound of my voice or the view of these words from your computer screen: Do not attempt this at home. I will not be happy with you! If you are in danger then get to a safe place. But if you are mad because you are not getting your way, there is a better way to deal with the issue.)
Now, back to our text! Could we consider the prodigal (which by the way means “extravagant”) a runaway? Yes and no.
Yes, because he was running from something. But what was it?
No, because he left after giving notice that he was going to do so. But why did he leave?
This morning we are to consider how we can experience spiritual breakthroughs in our family life for the honor and glory of God and the benefit of our families. I will be referring to a couple of different passages of scripture throughout this sermon as well as returning to our main text from time to time.
Let me share with you some suggested resolutions for spiritual breakthroughs in this very important area of our lives: (Overhead 1)
I resolve, with the help of God,
To respect every member of my family…period
To deal with the shame that binds my heart and soul and give that shame over to God
To accept the God ordained plan that parents are the primary caregivers of their children
(I hear Aretha Franklin’s voice in my head right now, “R-E-S-P-E-C-T.”) Respect – we love it! We crave! We value it! It is important to us.
We are created in the image of God. We are, to quote Paul, “God’s masterpiece, created to do good works.” (Remember, the sermon, “You are marvelous?”)
We matter to God! So respect should be a part of our lives, right?
Let me ask it this way, “Do you believe that everyone in this room and in your family is created in God’s image?” “Do you believe everyone is this room and in your family is God’s masterpiece?” “Do you believe that children, especially your children, are God’s masterpiece?” Then respect should be automatic, right?
“Whoa there Jim! You are getting the cart before the horse! My children need to demonstrate respect to me first!”
You’re right! Children should demonstrate respect to parents. But from whom should they first learn how to demonstrate respect? Parents.
In Matthew 19:13-15 where Jesus blesses the children in spite of the disciples’ desire to keep them away, I believe we can safely say that Jesus was demonstrating respect of children and expected His followers to do the same.
I also think Paul was telling the parents (especially dads) of his generation the same thing when we read Ephesians 6:4 “And now a word to you fathers. Don’t make your children angry by the way you treat them,” and in Colossians 3:21 “Fathers, don’t aggravate your children. If you do they will become discouraged and quit trying.”
Gary and Greg Smalley speak of the importance of honoring our children and in their book, Bound by Honor offers three suggestions that can honor our children. They write of teenagers but I think we need to honor our children when they are younger as well. (Overhead 2)
The first way to honor our children, says the Smalleys, “is to grant each child a high place in our lives and the loving respect that accompanies it.”
The second way to honor our children they note is “to look at each [child] as a priceless treasure.”
The third way is to “see honor demonstrated” by us.
As you reflect on those statements, can you imagine what kind of impact these actions would have on families? I see growing and blossoming children! I see parents who are at peace with themselves and their kids and who are able to focus on a quality of life that really honors God and one another.
Now in giving respect, I don’t mean that we give our children anything they want or allow anything to go on. Respect draws upon boundaries and uses discipline to help it thrive. But, respect thrives when we know that in addition to boundaries and discipline that we are honored and loved.
I have no doubt this morning that some of us might be thinking, “Pastor Jim, we like you and love you….seriously we really do….but… you have not been a parent long enough to understand that this respect thing is hard and just wait until Jonathon and Daniel are older.”
Well, you’re right… I have not been a parent long enough to understand what it is all about. However, I have lived long enough to see families in which respect was deep and strong walk through difficult times together and come out stronger and closer than before. I have also lived long enough to see families where respect was non-existent and saw families fall apart and shatter beyond repair. If we are going to experience spiritual breakthroughs in our families – respect of children and parents because who God created them to be- is essential and critical.
When I think about fractured families where respect has hardly a place to stand, I have a theory, a belief that one of the reasons for that situation is because of the second thing we need to examine this morning – the issue of shame. (Back to overhead 1)
As we read in the Genesis account about the fall of humanity from perfection, the word shame is part of the story: “At that moment, their eyes were opened, and they suddenly felt shame at their nakedness.” You and I have had those “eye opening” moments, haven’t we?
Shame causes us to slink away and hid. I believe it was John Bradshaw who wrote that a person filled with shame will not say, “I made a mistake” but instead say, “I am a mistake.” None of us are mistakes. God wastes nothing in our lives.
I was reminded of that again this week as I re-read the story of Joseph. As I did so, I began to see the segment in which Joseph tested his brothers to see how they would react to the return of the money in their grain sacks, the demand to see Benjamin, and the slipping in of Joseph’s silver cup in Benjamin’s bag in a different light.
It was about guilt and shame and respect. Joseph in this period of time I think wrestled with his anger and love toward his brothers while the brothers had to deal with a now decades old decision and the shame and guilt it had left in them and in their relationship.
When we are ashamed of ourselves, it affects our relationships with everyone, especially our families. And shame is a powerful, powerful thing. It paralyzes us. It creates an almost schizophrenic dynamic in us that causes us to live two lives that eventually we can no longer live.
When Adam said to God after the fall, “I heard you, so I hid. I was afraid because I was naked,” we hear both shame and guilt. But, as one of my former seminary Profs used to say, “You cannot deal with your guilt until you deal with your shame.”
Shame is about disgrace and self-reproof. We cannot stand to look ourselves in the mirror because we feel fatally flawed and beyond repair. That’s what Satan wants us to think. That is a lie from the pit of hell.
How does a spiritual breakthrough take place in this area? The only way I know how: by naming the shame that binds you.
And the only way I know how that takes place is to sit with someone trustworthy and even skilled in hearing these kinds of things and calling by name from out of the dark recesses of our hearts and souls those feelings and those thoughts and those actions that make us want to hide. It is tough and hard work – I’ve done it myself, had to or I would have been a spiritually crippled husband and father.
I think that we can look at John 21 and the story of reconciliation between Jesus and Peter as a pattern for dealing with the shame that binds us. Peter was ashamed of his betrayal and Jesus knew this. So only by gently asking Peter where His loyalty and love were could Jesus help Peter let go of the shame and guilt that he had and then give him a new task to fulfill because of His love for Peter.
Finally this morning we can experience spiritual breakthroughs in our family life by accepting the Biblical truth that parents are the primary caregivers of their children. (Overhead 3)
Dennis and Barbara Rainey in their work Parenting Today’s Adolescent offer some important suggestions on how parents can be pro-active caregivers of their children by embracing and living out these seven priorities: (I am going to mention the three in red; however, we will look at them more closely in Sunday School following the service)
Prayer
Standards
Involvement
Training
Community
Direction
Perseverance
I have frequently quoted Dietrich Bonhoffer to you but as I think about this first standard, I remember what he wrote about prayer in The Cost of Discipleship that went something like this, “When you cannot do anything else for someone, all you can do is pray for them.”
To quote the Rainey’s we must pray for our children regularly, offensively, defensively, intensely, when they come to our minds, and as a couple.
To pray regularly for our children is to pray for them everyday. To pray offensively for our children is to pray for them proactively throughout their lives that they will make the right choices and decisions that reflect their commitment to the Lord. To pray defensively for our children is to pray for them to stand up for what is right and for the Lord when life is difficult and the pressure to give in is strong.
To pray intensely for our children is to pray for them in a deep and profound way. The Rainey’s tell of a couple who fasted and prayed every Monday for their struggling fourteen year old. To pray for our children when they come to mind is to be in attitude of constant prayer during the day for them no matter where they are or what they are doing.
Finally, to be in prayer for our kids as a couple is a source of strength and commitment of moms and dads when the going is hard as parents. Prayer is a critical and spiritual task that each of us, as parents need to give thorough attention to because the Lord has given us the great responsibility of parenting.
Prayer, effective prayer, takes place, as we are involved in our kids’ life. I like how the Rainey’s define involvement:
Involvement means crawling inside your kid’s head and heart…Soul to soul. Heart to heart.
A passage in the Old Testament brings this important issue to mind in Deuteronomy 6:6 “You must commit yourselves wholeheartedly to these commands I am giving you today. Repeat them again and again to your children. Talk about them when you are at home and when you are away on a journey, when you are lying down and when you are getting up again.
A recent USA Today study found that the top three topics of discussion in the family car were activities, friends, and values. In addition, the very pointed TV commercials about the silence that should be broken at places like the breakfast bar to talk about drugs reinforce the importance of involvement.
Speaking of TV commercials, it has been good to see the commercials encouraging family talk at the dinner table instead of being preoccupied with TV or other items. Then there is the commercial in which board games are encouraged to be brought out and played.
The Bible has much to say about the goal of parenting and one verse really says it all, Ephesians 6:4, “Bring them up with the discipline and instruction approved by the Lord.”
The implications and means of this verse are made clearer through the rest of Scripture as well as the Holy Spirit. Yet our third highlighted word says it well, “Direction.”
The Rainey’s offer us four areas of direction: Identity which means that we are to help our children know who they are in Christ when it comes to “spiritual identity, emotional identity, and sexual identity.”
Then there is character which deals with how our children (and parents, too) deal with authority and circumstances.
The third area of direction involves relationship that reminds us that we were not created to live alone.
Finally, there is the direction that comes from mission. Do our children have or are they developing a reason for living beyond mere existence?
We have covered a lot of territory and there are probably three or four sermons in this sermon alone but I have no doubt that your emotional response to what has been said this morning has varied from affirmation to anguish.
One area of anguish that I have no doubt is in parent’s minds relates to the “Why’s” and “what ifs” of the parenting and the past.
I found some helpful and realistic encouragement in my readings for this series from Bruce Wilkinson.
“Whatever you do, however, don’t be defeated by the past. The past can’t be changed, but the present is God’s workshop for making masterpieces anyway. At our fingertips, we always hold the opportunity to set a new direction, to make new changes and to follow through. And he is ready to work through every moment.”
I wonder if the prodigal’s father felt this way. I wonder how much time passed between his son’s departure and return.
I wonder how many nights the father laid in bed and waited to hear his voice. I wonder how many times he saw a man who appeared to be his son only to have his hopes dashed when he realized he wasn’t.
We don’t know for sure. But we do know (as Jesus notes,) “His father saw him coming home.”
This morning we are going to conclude with a time of prayer for our children. Teens, I am going to ask you to pray for your parents.
I am encouraging couples to pray together and if you are here by yourself, join with another person that you feel comfortable with to pray and pray for one another’s children. The altar is open for this time of prayer and after a few moments I will close with the benediction.
Let us seek forgiveness, affirmation, insight, courage, strength, hope, and love for this area of our lives so that there will be some important breakthroughs in our families for the honor and glory of God!
Amen.
Rainey and Smalley quotes come from Wilkinson’s book Thirty Days to Experiencing Spiritual Breakthoughs published by Multnomah Press. Finally Wilkinson quote is from Experiencing Spiritual Breakthroughs. Oveheads are available by e-mail me at pastorjim46755@yahoo.com and asking for 013005svgs
