Mastering Communication
Proverbs 18:21
This sermon is dedicated to people who are married, those who want to get married and those who are sorry they ever got married!
I’ve heard it said that marriages has 3 phases…lust rust and dust and you don’t need Dr. Phil to tell you which one you’re in!
The late Johnny Carson said, “If love is a dream, marriage is the alarm clock! If marriages are made in heaven, so is thunder and lightning!”
No matter who you are in this life, communications has its challenges! Communication in marriage is an art and sometimes this art can become twisted and the real joy is lost! We have to get that joy back! And it will come back by way of mastering communication!
Mastering communication makes all the difference…think about this…
· When Coca-Cola first shipped to China, they named the product something that when pronounced sounded like "Coca-Cola." The only problem was that the characters used meant, "Bite The Wax Tadpole." They later changed to a set of characters that meant "Happiness In The Mouth."
· When Pepsi started marketing its products in China a few years back, they translated their slogan, "Pepsi Brings You Back to Life". But the slogan in Chinese really meant, "Pepsi Brings Your Ancestors Back From The Grave."
· Coors put its slogan, "Turn It Loose," into Spanish, where it was read as "Suffer From Diarrhea."
· The Chevy Nova never sold well in Spanish speaking countries. In Spanish "No Va" means "Does Not Go"
Men, how many times have you told your wife something and she still got it wrong? Ladies, how many of you have told your husbands something as clearly as possible and he still got it messed up? Parents, how many of you have told your children something as clearly as possible and they still did just the opposite?
For a family to go through troubles and hard times is not the danger, but the family that cannot communicate that’s the danger! As blood is the life to the body, so communication is the life to the family!
Communication = the exchange of feelings and facts, sending and receiving ideas.
Have you ever heard someone say, “We’re growing apart from each other.” Do you know what they are really saying, “We don’t communicate anymore!” Not that they don’t talk, but they don’t communicate feelings and ideas any more!
So How Do We Master Communication?
1. Understand The Levels of Communication.
I believe that there are 5 levels of communication that are expressed by men and women everyday.
a. Measuring Communication.
It’s when we ask, “How’s the weather?” How are you dear?” How was your day?” Many times it’s communication that’s just mechanical in nature!
Many times we use this communication to measure up the other person. Sometimes spouses will ask leading questions to feel out what kind of mood the other is in!
This level is probably most common in today’s home!
b. Sharing Communication.
This is also very shallow because it just gets to the surface of a person. It’s like reporting information and facts. There’s not a lot of feelings needed at this level. Anyone can do this!
Sadly, this is the level that we stoop when we gossip on other! Some people search for dirt on others like it was gold. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again…the more interesting the gossip is about a person the more likely is lies!
In a certain city, the gossipmongers reported that the local pastor was forcing his wife to attend certain religious meetings against her will. And that he was treating her very bad because of her defiance.
Upon learning about the juicy gossip that raced around the city, the pastor was forced to take out an ad in the paper and it read…
“In the first place, I never attempted to influence my wife to attend these meetings against her will. In the second place, she never attended these meetings in question. In the third place, I didn’t even attend these meetings. And lastly, I do not now and never have had a wife!”
If a family’s communication is heavy on this level, it will be a shallow family. Beware parents your kids are watching how you communicate and they will communicate just like Mom and Dad in their own family!
c. Observing Communication.
As we communicate, we observe the reactions of the other person. We are watching the eyes for signs of involvement and facial expressions for interest.
If we yawn or look at our watch, these are signs that we really aren’t interesting! This is madding to woman!
d. Revealing Communication.
This is gut-level conversation in a relationship!
This is where we say, what we love, feel, fear and dream. This is what we start out with in dating and the first years of marriage. But then men and women struggle to reveal and express as time goes by!
If we have a tendency to yell and scream at our spouse this is destroying the marriage. Walls are going up and we stop feeling like we can really let it all hang out!
Being a domestic Hitler is not the biblical role God has for husband or wife! If you always have to have the last word in the conversation that’s damaging your spouse and your family!
Remember last week it mentioned that in praying to God, we must experience liberty and transparency!
You can bank on this…a marriage is only as healthy as the level of communication! You show me a marriage that practices revealing and unifying communication and I’ll show you two healthy lives!
e. Unifying Communication.
This is our goal and this level does not come easy! And we don’t start out at level one and by pass the other levels to get to unifying communication.
Mark 10:8 “…The two shall become one.”
LifePoint: Communication is a personal process that must be honored and respected in relationships!
God desires to have marriages that are unified because of the process of communication.
Matthew 18:19 “If two or three agree…”
“Agree” = symphony
Nothing sounds as terrible as an orchestra that is out of tune!
2. Utilized The Conscience in Communication.
Ever considered that our conscience is a powerful tool to know right conversation from wrong conversation? Before there was radar, sonar or a compass, God provided man with a personal navigational device – conscience!
Proverbs 11:20 “The Lord detests men of perverse hearts…”
Matthew 12:34,35 “…For out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks…A good man out of the good treasure of his heart brings forth good things…”
Think about this:
· What made Adam and Eve hide from God? Their conscience!
· What made King David cry out “Have mercy on me, O God”! His Conscience!
· What made Pilate’s wife write, “Have nothing to do with this just man!” Her conscience!
· What made Peter weep after he betrayed Jesus the third time? His conscience!
· What makes us apologize to our spouse when we’ve said something terrible? Our conscience! Ever been there?
Key: When our conduct goes one way and our conscience goes another way, conscience will make us a bed of hot coals!
3. Uncover The 5 Commandments of Communication.
With this, as they say on the farm, “I’ll be plowing close to the corn.”
a. The 1st Commandment - If I expose my weaknesses, don’t make me feel ashamed.
Proverbs 10:32 “The lips of the righteous know what is acceptable…”
If we ever fail to be open with our spouse then we will never have a happy marriage. If it comes to the point where you start avoiding telling your spouse just how you struggle, that’s not a healthy relationship!
The greatest fear in a relationship is the fear of rejection! It’s very damaging for men because we are taught to be tough and not to expose our emotions.
By the way, men, when was the last time you really put emotion into telling your wife, “I love you”?
Paul Harvey told about a man who didn’t kiss his wife for 10 years and then shot and killed someone that did!
b. The 2nd Commandment - If I tell the truth, don’t lie to me.
Proverbs 8:7 “For my mouth will speak the truth…”
Jesus said, “Let your yes be yes and your no be no!”
“Do unto others as you would have them do to you!” That works for our communication!
Two years ago I counseled a couple that were in their 6th year of marriage and the wife had secrets that were starting to fester the marriage.
I’ve noticed that couples that struggle in this commandment, are great at wearing masks through life! We call that kind of person a hypocrite!
Proverb 11:9 “A hypocrite with his mouth destroys…”
Start being honest and remove the mask that’s destroying your marriage!
c.The 3rd Commandment - If I share my opinion, don’t shout and try to intimidate me.
A temper tandem is not communication! Shouting at the top of your voice so the entire neighborhood to hear is not what I call a good testimony either!
Proverbs 4:24 “Avoid all perverse talk, stay far from corrupt speech.” NLT
Intimidators tend to be control freaks! You can always spot a control freak by their communication! This can go both ways, with men and women!
A wife said to her friend, “My husband and I had words last night, but I never got a chance to use mine!”
I see this with a lot of men, and I don’t like the trend!
d. The 4th Commandment - If I fail to say it correctly, don’t turn on the tears.
I’m not saying that all tears are bad! But if the water works are turned on only to manipulate and avoid something, then that’s wrong!
Guys turn to mush when that happens!
e. The 5th Commandment – If I don’t agree with you, don’t give me the silent treatment.
Some call it pouting! Isn’t that what 5 year olds do?
When you and I, as husband and wife, can honestly tell each other who we are, what we think, how we feel…when you and I can honestly tell each other what we love, hate, fear, desire, dream, hope for and believe in…then and only then can we have meaningful and motivated communication.
4. Unleash The Imagination in Communication.
Your imagination is one of the most powerful aspects to your mind, most of the time people allow it to affect them negatively, but why not allow it to help positively? Try to put yourself in the other person’s mindset and this will allow you to understand better and communicate better. Through your imagination, be open to getting a glimpse of the other person’s situation!
We master communication better when we apply these principles to our relationship!
Poor communication can lead to all kinds of misunderstandings…
A rather old fashioned lady, was planning a couple of weeks vacation camping in Florida. She also was quite delicate and elegant with her language. She wrote a letter to a particular campground and asked for reservations.
She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped but didn’t know quite how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn’t bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old fashioned term "Bathroom Commode," but when she wrote that she still thought she was being too forward. So she rewrote the entire letter and referred to the Bathroom Commode" simply as the "B.C.". She actually wrote, “Does the campground have its own "B.C.?"
Well, the campground owner wasn’t as old fashioned and when he read the letter, he couldn’t figure out what the lady was talking about…"B.C." really stumped him. He showed the letter to other campers, but they couldn’t figure out what the lady meant either. The campground owner finally came to the conclusion that the lady was and must be asking about the location of the local Baptist Church.
So he sat down and wrote the following reply: "Dear Margaret: I take pleasure of informing you that the "B.C." is located nine miles north of the campground and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly but no doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take their lunches along, and make a day of it.
The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there...I would like to say it pains me very much, not to be able to go more regularly, but as we grow older, it seems to be more and more of an effort, particularly in cold weather. When you come to the campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go...sit with you...and introduce you to all the other folks.”
