Sermon Notes
Jacob & Rachel: Dealing With Conflict
Genesis 29 & 30
(Fourth in the series Marriage by the Book)
Introduction: Even mature, talented, Christian couples can find themselves dealing with conflicts of varying degrees. We know that the great British preacher John Wesley and his wife Mary did not get along. Wesley and Mary Vazeille, a well-to-do widow and mother of four children, were married in 1751. By 1758 she had left him -- unable to cope, it is said, with the competition for his time and devotion presented by the ever-burgeoning Methodist movement. Toward the end of their relationship, Molly, as she was known, would make faces at John while he preached! She was to return and leave him again on several occasions before their final separation.
So, how do we confront the differences that surface in marriage? Do we careen; do we cheat; do we complain; or do we care enough to work things out?
Proposition: Although they did not handle things well, the story of Jacob and Rachel can teach us some valuable lessons about dealing with conflict.
1. Reasons for Conflict
In-laws, 26:16-17, 29:23
Laban took advantage of the situation: a 7 year labor of love
Tricked Jacob & married him to Leah…weak eyes. (got 7 more years of work from Jacob in the deal!) A poor relationship with in-laws can be a constant source of conflict!
Spiritual differences, 31:19, 34
Rachel was an idol worshiper
Bible warns us of this: 2 Cor. 6:14
It takes extra strength to remain faithful to the Lord while living with a mate who is hostile to Biblical values.
Feeling unloved, 29:31-34, 30:20
“Loneliness & the feeling of being unloved are the greatest poverty” (Mother Teresa). Too many couples have every material success the world could want, but are aching for their spouse to show them that they care.
Infertility, 30:1-8
A painful reminder that there are limits to human resources.
In Rachel’s day a woman’s self-worth came from bearing children to her husband.
Psalm 127:3-5; “Be fruitful & multiply.”
Sexual problems, 30:14, 15
Mandrakes were narcotic plants with roots that resembled human forms. They were thought to improve sexual drive
There are basic differences between men & women: Compare microwaves & crock pots; Light switches & irons. It is very hard to maintain a healthy sexual life in a monogamous relationship, let alone if someone is intimate with another outside of marriage (ADULTRY)
2. Responses to conflict
Explosion: emotional & physical abuse (rant, rave, throw things, curse, hitting)
Tears: can be healthy at times, but can also be used to manipulate & impede communication.
Silence:
Consider the following email recently sent to me titled "WORDS WOMEN USE"
FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks——this will cause you to have one of those arguments.
FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it’s an even trade.
NOTHING
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"
GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows! )
This is a dare, one that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"
GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don’t care." You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five
Minutes" when she cools off.
LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and
arguing with you over "Nothing"
SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.
THAT’S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That’s Okay" means that she
wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That’s Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."
GO AHEAD!
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.
PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn’t get a "That’s Okay"
THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you’re welcome
THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh."
Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"
3. Resolution of Conflict
Honesty, Eph: 4:25
Nothing undermines trust more than deception.
Deception goes beyond lying to delaying telling the truth about how you feel Trying not to hurt feelings can stockpile resentment.
Timing, Eph. 4:26
We need to deal with problems as they arise.
Sensitivity, Eph. 4:29
More than cursing or telling dirty jokes; it is harsh criticism or hateful threats to your spouse (Proverbs 15:1).
Forgiveness, Eph. 4:31-32
Love keeps no record of wrong (1Cor. 13:5)
How can I do it?
1) Make up your mind to forgive
2) Behave in the proper manner, Eph. 4:32
3) Trust God to do His part, Col. 3:13
Conclusion: Twelve words will keep a marriage together: "I was wrong; I am sorry; please forgive me; I love you." If we are going to cope with conflicts constructively, they need to be expressed frequently. To cope with the consequences of sin in our lives, we need to use these same twelve words with God.
