RELATIONSHIPS THAT LAST
Philemon Entire Chapter
Introduction:
I want to share today about the sort of relationship Paul must have had withPhilemon. A relationship that enabled him to be able to confidently ask such a costly response from him. A relationship based upon a lasting, loving and loyal friendship. A friendship that enabled Paul to place such absolute trust in him, without fear that Philemon would betray him or let him down. I want us to look at the sort of enduring bond that must have existed between these two fellow-laborers in the Word.
It seems that Paul had a special capacity to make and maintain close friends. Friends that would stick with him through thick and thin. Friends that did not make situations and circumstances the basis or test of their love and loyalty. Friends who did not falter in their faithfulness and fidelity no matter how frustrating the facts of life became. People who
were more than mere "fair weather friends."
Of course, there were others in his life that did not always fit this description. Demas evidently could have fairly been labeled a fair weather friend. Perhaps this could have even been said of John Mark for a period of time. But it is significant that even though John Mark seems to have let him down, a good and profitable relationship between the two was eventually restored.
Fair weather friends? I guess the quality of true friendship and the enduring strength of a real relationship can only be fully tested in the
test tube of troubles and trials. It would seem that the enduring strength of a relationship could only be completely revealed in the crucible of
crisis. It has been said, "When the going gets tough, the tough get going." This should be especially true of the bond of true a tough Christian
friendship and relationship. It is in the lurch that the rubber of friendship really hits the road. I sometimes wonder if one of the reasons Jesus gave us the story of the prodigal son was to illustrate this simple truth. When the prodigal ran out of money and could no longer play the role of a "good time Charlie," his friends seem to have suddenly found more urgent and important business.
But it seems that the pattern of friendship and relationships in Paul’s life is more truly and clearly demonstrated by this story of two friends in
the Lord, his relationship to them and the new relationship he urged Philemon to forge with his brother in the Lord, Onesimus.
With this in mind, let us look at some of the principles we can find in the Word of God about how we may establish and maintain good and Godly relationships. Relationships based first of all upon our relationship to God and to each other in the Lord. These relationships might first include the most intimate relationship of marriage. There’s a special sort of friendship that should exist within the bonds of matrimony. These principles would certainly apply as well to our relationships with others in our immediate family. The same could be said of those in the local family of God, our church. The primary principles can also be extended to include those within the sphere of our everyday Christian responsibilities at work and play.
But what if you feel you have already failed in this area of relationships in the past? Perhaps your most cherished and treasured relationship has
already come shipwreck upon the rocks and shoals of marital disaster and dissolution Of some other tragic rupture or break of intimate friendship
and relationship has occurred and left you disillusioned and discouraged about the possibility of ever really having a long, lasting relationship
meaningful relationship in the future Perhaps you are aware that you really mucked things up. You had the ball in your hands and were headed for a try,
but you fumbled the ball and dropped it along the way.
We’re not looking at this subject today to judge the past or condemn anyone for failure. But with the awareness that we all can learn from our past,
especially if we apply the Word of God. We can analyze and correct our errors and mistakes. After all, it has been said that those who do not learn from the mistakes of the past or condemned to repeat them. Or that the only thing some people learn from history is that they do not learn from history.
Let me share with you five principles which lead to RELATIONSHIPS THAT LAST.
THE FIRST PRINCIPLE WE NEED TO LEARN FROM THE WORD OF GOD IS THAT TRUE FRIENDSHIP AND REAL AND LASTING RELATIONSHIPS ARE BASED ON REAL GODLY LOVE.
"A friend loveth at all times and a brother is born for adversity."
(Prov. 17:17) That means that we must sometimes love the unlovely. Real friends love the other person when they are not very lovable. This is especially true in marriage. We don’t have to always like what the other person does to continue to love them faithfully with the sort of love the Lord has for us. In fact, we are not necessarily required to like a brother or sister in Christ or like what they do, but we are REQUIRED TO LOVE THEM AT ALL TIMES. (John 13:34-35)
It is obvious that love is the central consideration in Paul’s little letter to his friend Philemon. Onesimus, the runaway slave, has stolen himself
and we do not know how much more from his master, Philemon. Paul in prison has evidently led him to know the Lord Jesus Christ as his personal Saviour.
Paul places this powerful plea in this eloquent epistle, "Yet for love’s sake . , , I beseech the for my son Onesimus, whom I have begotten in my
bonds." He seemed overwhelmingly confident that the love God and love for the brethren would move his brother Philemon to take the revolutionary step
and forgive a cultural crime that could normally carry the death penalty and receive his former slave as a brother in Christ.
This selflessness required in this case should be the norm for a Christian. You might call it real loving living. But such is out of character for sinful and unregenerate man. The greed and grasping of our selfish and materialistic culture is the stuff our headlines are made of.
Loving living is quite the contrary. It focusing upon serving the needs of others. Instead of grasping to get we live to love and go to give as our
Savior did. Instead of harming and hurting, loving living focuses upon helping and healing. Instead of cruelty and corruptions, loving living is characterized by caring and compassion. It has been said the real joy of loving living comes by placing Jesus first, others second and yourself last.
When Jesus established the relationship and friendship that should always exist within marriage, He did not make this principle optional. Love is
required. It is a command. It is compulsory. (See Eph. 5:22-25)
It is much easier to establish a good and loving relationship than it is to maintain it. We sometimes sin and come short in the area of maintenance.
Some of us aren’t all that good at maintaining an automobile. But if we are going to purchase one, we’re always looking for one that has been well
maintained and is in mint condition. Everyone is looking for that vehicle that was owned by that little old lady school teacher. A vehicle that has
had a lot of costly effort and energy placed into its maintenance.
So it is with a real relationship. It takes constant, continuing and conscientious effort to properly maintain it. Too often we are not
willing to pay such a price. Neglect, apathy and unconcern often allow our most treasured and valuable relationships to slowly deteriorate and fall
apart. It is not difficult to find those who have been friends for a lifetime becoming separated and estranged. Marriages fail and fall apart. Families are torn asunder. Churches are hurt and destroyed.
God didn’t intend this. We should continue steadfastly in all our Godly loving relationships. The apostles had problems and were not perfect. You
can read about it in the book of Acts and the epistles. But they continued steadfastly in the love of the Lord and for one another. "And they continued stedfastly in the apostles’ doctrine and fellowship, and in breaking of bread, and in prayers." (Acts 2:42) Lasting relationships are not built upon perfection. But principles that enable us to deal with one another’s imperfections. There are at least four Biblical and practical principles that need to be placed into practice in order to preserve the
worthwhile relationships of our life.
THE SECOND PRINCIPLE IS FORESIGHT. FORESIGHT IS A FOUNDATIONAL PRINCIPLE IN MAINTAINING LASTING LOVING
RELATIONSHIPS.
If we are going to really protect our worthwhile relationships we must have real foresight. We can’t just blunder through life thinking that everything is going to always be right. That expression, "She’ll be right mate," is the bane
of our Aussie culture. It is all too often used as an excuse for sloppiness and laziness in many areas of our personal and national life. Things will not always just magically become right without some energy or effort being exerted on our part.
WE MUST MAKE THEM RIGHT. To do so, it often takes some foresight, if we are to avoid or prepare for the hard times that loom on the horizon of all our relationships. Foresight is often required to make prudent preparation to protect the relationships of life. Again the wise man said, "A prudent man foreseeth evil, and hideth himself. . ." (Prov. 22:3) He sees the disaster looming on the
horizon and takes steps to avoid it or minimize its impact. He gets out of the way. He changes course and avoids the coming crash or collision.
Just a few nights ago I was driving at a considerable speed down the highway. A brother who had never been to my house was following me. I was keeping an eye on him and was just a bit too inattentive to the road up ahead. A car had come to a stand still in the lane directly in from of me. It was only by the grace of God that I was able to brake and swerve at the very last second and avoid a potentially terrible crash. The same sort of thing came happen if we are inattentive to possible problems in the relationships we have as we travel down the road of life.
Our relationships should be important enough to move us to cherish and protect them. There is a difference in being friendly and being a friend.
Real friendships and relationships require a real committal. When we establish meaningful relationships we should expect to pay a price to
protect and perpetuate them. Part of that price involves preparation to avoid problems, if at all possible.
How might this work? We may have to guard our tongue and avoid saying
certain things in certain situations. We may be required to respond to a remark in a manner that goes against our ordinary nature. Or not respond at all. The Word of God is clear, "A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger" (Prov. 15:1) If we know that certain words
or patterns of speech will hurt of offend, we should follow this great axiom. Or perhaps on occasion we should say nothing at all. After all, silence truly can be golden as well as Godly. An awesome and extended silence in heaven some day will speak volumes.
Someone once said, "Some people are kind of like wheelbarrows, hard to push around and easy to upset." God would have us to protect our relationships with foresight. By logically looking ahead we may be able to avoid many hurtful conflicts and collisions and detour around other destructive disasters. It is clear we cannot always avert of avoid them, but we should have the foresight to make an effort to do so.
THE THIRD PRINCIPLE IS FORBEARANCE. FORBEARANCE A NECESSARY FUNCTION IN MAINTAINING LASTING, LOVING
RELATIONSHIPS.
God makes it clear that those who are His are to make daily application of this practical principle in their lives. "With all lowliness and meekness, with longsuffering, forbearing one another in love; Endeavouring to keep the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace." (Eph. 4:2-3) This passage makes it clear that those who emulate the Christ-like qualities of humility and patience will demonstrate those characteristics by exercising forbearance in their relationships with those significant others in their lives; especially those in the assembly of saints, which is the body of Christ.
We find two key words used here in relationship to forbearance. Meekness seems to be an absolutely necessary quality if one is to correctly exercise
forbearance. Just what is meekness? Obviously, our first and foremost example in meekness is our Savior. Contrary to the common concept of a
gentle Jesus meek and mild who appears weak and afraid of confrontation and challenge, His meekness can be more clearly and correctly seen in the
strength of His character. A strength that was not only fearlessly demonstrated in His confrontation with the Pharisees and those of their ilk, but was perhaps best seen in His ability to restrain Himself. Even though He had the power and privilege and right was on His side, He refused to bring into to play the awesome power of the Creator God in the face of the terrible persecution and punishment inflicted upon Him at the cross.
Just what is this meekness in the context of our Godly and loving relationships? It could be seen as strength under control. Not self control, as some would think. Our inability to control self is our
problem. Meekness could be viewed as strength under the firm control of the Holy Spirit of God. Meekness is surely demonstrated in forbearance when we by the grace of God, through yielding to His Spirit, voluntarily hold back from seeking retribution when we feel our rights have been violated.
Meekness that nurtures forbearing could entail surrendering in advance our imagined rights to the Lord Jesus Christ. Meekness and forbearance would
also include the idea of not demanding rights that we may scripturally and legally have as part of a relationship. This is especially true in
marriage. Perhaps this principle is a significant portion of the sort of loving submission we are urged to exercise in marriage. If the purpose of
our life in a relationship is to meet the real needs of the other person, then demanding our rights would often seem to have the opposite effect and led to the deterioration of rather than strengthening of a relationship.
The second word used in relation to forbearance is patience. We all know what James said about this quality. It can only be attained through the processes of temptations, trials and testings. You might say, as far as relationships are concerned, it must be achieved in the school of hard knocks. Perhaps a graduate degree can only be awarded to those who have passed through the college of crisis and the university of adversity. Patience normally relates to people problems. Irritation and frustration are normal precursors to the
need to exercise patience. The function of Godly patience in maintaining our loving relationships is all too obvious. Theologically, theoretically
and experientially, patience is a vital building block in relationships.
Just what is forbearance in our relationship with others and how do we bring it into play? It could be said that forbearance involves the ability to
establish a protective cushion or buffer zone around our feelings and sensitivities. This would obviously entail the ability to temper our
immediate emotional response to a perceived offence or injury by meekly exercising patient longsuffering. The ultimate objective would be to
maintain a peaceful and harmonious relationship with those we love. The
Spirit of God would lead those in Godly, loving relationships toward this goal. If all parties are really in touch with the Spirit’s leadership and
guidance through the Word, that special and peculiar bond of peace, harmony and unity of purpose will result. It is obvious that if someone is out of
touch with the Spirit, strife and disunity may prevail.
The idea of forbearing obviously has the connotation of bearing out in front. When I was involved in football it was legal to use your forearm to
ward off potential tacklers who were determined to bring you down to the ground and defeat you in your intent of winning the game. The parallel here is obvious.
In the practical context of relationships, Godly and loving forbearance could involve purposely placing a shield in advance to protect against the all too common tendency toward an intuitive and immediate emotional response or over-reaction. As an example, if we know that someone we love
has a tendency to impulsively say or do certain things in certain situations of stress, we can decide in advance to exercise meekness and longsuffering in response to such incidents. Forbearance could obviously be viewed as an
emotional circuit breaker designed by God. When in place it can be thrown to short circuit a potentially high tension exchange and defuse an emotionally explosive situation.
The scriptures are quite clear as to the way such forbearance can be brought into play in our relationships. James said, "Wherefore, my beloved
brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath: For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God." (James 1:19-20)
Instead of an impulsive hostile, heated and hurtful response, forbearance would lead us to consider a hopeful, helpful and healing reply. Instead of
adding explosive fuel to the fire, this could dampen down the heat of an exchange and cool and calm the emotional environment. After all, if someone lights the fuse to a bomb and throws it your way, you do not have to pick it up and throw it back. Perhaps it would be better to defuse it with a soft answer.
When viewed in this practical light, we can see that forbearance prevents us from being too touchy and over sensitive. It would mitigate against
people walking around with emotional chips upon their shoulders or with their feelings stuck out on a three meter pole; always looking to getting
their feelings injured and then indulging in a lonely and pathetic self-pity party. Forbearing is clearly a protective and preventive measure to be
used against such injurious and destructive behavior.
THE FOURTH PRINCIPLE IS FORGIVENESS. FORGIVENESS IS A FIRM FIXTURE IN A LOVING, LASTING RELATIONSHIP.
Its importance in relationships is based upon the universality of man’s need for forgiveness. Since man is a sinner by nature and by practice, it is
logical that he will sin more often and more overtly against those who are closest to him. The truth of the old saying, "You always hurt the one your love," is all too often borne out in relationships. It follows that constant and continuing forgiveness will be necessary if a strong and loving relationship is to be built and maintained.
God has spoken loudly and clearly on the proper Christian response in such situations. "Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamor, and
evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice: And be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you." (Eph. 4:31-32) This scripture gives us the proper framework for forgiveness in relationships. It is inferred that we will sometimes commit or encounter acts and offenses in our relationships that could easily illicit loud, angry and even evil verbal responses. It is also clear in the context that such exchanges can escalate and could become increasingly malicious and lead to lingering and deep resentment. If not
dealt with, this can furnish the fertile soil in which a real root of bitterness can sprout and flourish. Such a root often finds its daily
nourishment in increasing resentment. In the end, the person suffering the most will be the one holding a grudge and harboring a bitter spirit. Such bitterness can become a daily and increasing source of irritation, pouting or complaint in a relationship. This can lead to a pattern that will
eventually destroy the relationship.
There is a story about a monk who entered a monastery. Perpetual silence was a requirement of the order. But every two years the monks were allowed
to break their silence and speak two words. After two years the young monk was called by his superior and allowed to make his first two word statement.
He said, "Bed hard." Two more years passed before he got his second chance. Then he said, "Food bad." After two more years he said, "I quit." His superior looked at him and said, "It doesn’t surprise me. All you’ve done since you arrived has been to complain, complain, complain!"
This might be amusing if did not so accurately reflect the pattern that can develop in a relationship when forgiveness is not sought or is withheld.
It is obvious that bitterness and resentment are prime but silent killers of loving relationships. Harbored resentment can build a wall around a
person’s heart that will daily grow higher and more impenetrable. The American poet, Robert Frost, is my favorite poet. In his poem, "Mending
Wall," he says that when we build a wall we should know what we are walling out and what we are walling in. This is especially true when we build a wall of resentment in our relationships. Sometimes only confession and forgiveness can penetrate or break down that wall.
This would lead one to conclude that we only have two basic options when an offense occurs in a relationship We can either offend God by responding
wrongly or please God by seeking reconciliation. If we are the offending party, we can immediately move to sincerely seek the other person’s forgiveness. This will clearly involve real repentance and an open
confession of our sin. First to God, and then to the one we have hurt and offended. Forgiveness is the truly corrective remedy for such a breach of
relationship. Forgiveness is the God-given way of damage control. Real repentance and a desire to be forgiven reflects an attitude that says, "I
have done wrong. I want this to be corrected. I want to be forgiven. I want our relationship restored and made right again." If we happen to be
the one who has been offended, we should openly demonstrate a willingness to freely forgive the other party and take whatever steps we can toward real
reconciliation. If for no other reason, we should forgive that healing might come to the hurt in our own heart.
But someone may say, "What if the other person doesn’t ask for my forgiveness?" It would seem that the principle of forgiveness would still apply. Paul says that God has forgiven us for Christ’s sake and that an attitude of Christ-like forgiveness should rule our lives. It is clear that
God was so eager to forgive us that He gave His Son in order to make that forgiveness possible. While His Son hung on that cross, looking down upon
those who had beaten Him, crowned Him with thorns, spat in His face, and mocked and ridiculed Him, He cried out, "Father forgive them, for they know not what they do." There is no evidence that this cry came after someone in the guilty mob expressed remorse, asked for forgiveness or demonstrated true repentance. We should be just as ready and willing to forgive those who have offended us.
Such forgiveness is just as unlimited as the love and forgiveness of God. Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how oft shall I forgive my brother?
Until seven times?" Jesus replied, "I say unto thee, not until seven, but until seventy times seven." (Matt. 18:21-22) This exchange suggests a
number of things. First, it would seem Peter implied that his patience was not inexhaustible and he might be seeking to determine the point at which he
could be justified in lowering the boom upon his brother. This certainly would not reflect the forgiving spirit Christ and the Father demonstrated at
the cross. Second, it indicates that a Christ-like spirit would enable us to forgive repetitive sins committed over relatively short periods of time.
After all, is this not what God, through Christ, does for us? Third, it is indicated that such forgiveness is as beneficial to the forgiver as the
forgiven.
THE FIFTH PRINCIPLE IS FORGETFULNESS. FORGETFULNESS IS THE A FIRM PRINCIPLE IN MAINTAINING A LOVING, LASTING RELATIONSHIP.
This principle does not necessarily entail the ability to completely wipe clean our mental record of an offense, as one might erase an audio or video cassette. Although this seems to be the case as far as God’s forgiveness is concerned. "And their sins and iniquities will I remember no more." (Heb. 10:17) But we do not possess the attributes of God. But forgetfulness implies not holding a grudge. Not keeping a record of offenses to be used the next time a difficulty arises in a relationship.
Not making a mental list to be used in a future fault finding and blame laying exercise. Such forgetting does not mean we do not know the facts of the previous offense. We will always know what happened. But we should allow it to become a part of the dormant history of our relationship rather
than an always active practice of resurrecting offenses given them the contemporary status of current events. Instead we should choose to forget
in order to allow the relationship to be restored. Spurgeon once wisely said, "When it comes to offences, pray for a poor memory."
One of the most beautiful Biblical examples of real forgiveness that was confirmed by forgetfulness that led to a loving restoration of relationship
is found in the story of Joseph. We all know the details of the story. If there has ever been anyone who might appear to be entitled to be resentful,
hold a grudge and seek revenge, Joseph would fit that description. It would also seem that he not only personifies one who had ample reason but
also a great opportunity to even things up.
But what did he do? When it seemed to his anxious and fearful brothers that this powerful Prime Minister of Egypt would wreck deadly vengeance upon
them, he acknowledged that the record showed they had done him a terrible wrong but he freely and joyfully forgave them. In essence he said, "Forget
it. Wipe the record clean. It’s history. I know you meant it for evil, but God meant it for good. I’m not interested in making you miserable. I
don’t want to keep laying this guilt trip upon you." That’s forgetfulness!
We too should allow such history to become dead and lifeless; only remembering and resurrecting it if it positively helps us and instructs us. Only allowing it to come into play again if it enables us to learn from our own mistakes rather than repeat them.
In summary, how do we build and maintain preserve lasting, loving and Godly relationships? The principles of foresight, forbearance, forgiveness
and forgetfulness will help us to deal with our own imperfections and adjust to the imperfections of those significant others God has given us to
minister to in our relationships.
If we are going to really protect our worthwhile relationships we must have real foresight. We can’t just blunder through life thinking that
everything is going to always be right. We must exercise foresight to avoid the pitfalls that can destroy relationships.
We must also exercise forbearance. Forbearance prevents us from being too touchy and over sensitive. Forbearing is clearly a protective and
preventive measure to be used against injurious and destructive behavior.
A forgiving attitude and spirit is also essential. The importance of forgiveness in relationships is based upon the universality of man’s need
for it. Constant and continuing forgiveness is necessary if a strong and loving relationship is to be built and maintained.
The importance of forgetfulness cannot be over-stated in maintaining loving and lasting relationships. Forgetfulness implies not holding a grudge. Not keeping a record of offenses to be used the next time a difficulty arises in a relationship. Forgetting in this sense lays the ground work for the real restoration of a relationship.
Rebuilding and restoration should be the Godly long term objectives any time there has been a rupture in a relationship. The loving application of these
Biblical principles by and through the leadership and power of God’s Spirit should go a long way in ensuring our cherished relationships in the Lord are
preserved and maintained.
