Last week we talked about a problem we are facing in America: Marriage is being undermined by a force of enemies coming against it. I hope in the wake of the Senate discussions that you have taken the time to call your Michigan senators and let them know how you feel about the definition of marriage as between one man and woman.
Marriages need help! My marriage needs help! And so does yours! Now, there are some here today who can say “I need help getting married!” - and this sermon will not directly relate to you. But I’m sure that each of us, whether married or single, faces many opportunities to come alongside of others who are married and offer encouragement and counsel. Our marriages need help. And fortunately we have been given help by the one who instituted marriage.
We come this morning to God’s word, to seek his instructions. Join me as we look in the book of Ephesians. As Paul writes to this church, the Christians at Ephesus, he calls them in 4:1 - “I urge you to live a life worthy of the calling you have received.” In 4:17 he tells them “you must no longer live as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their thinking. They are darkened in their understanding and separated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardening of their hearts. So, instead of hard hearts that ignore God and his teachings, we are called in 5:1 to “Be imitators of God.” It is God’s foundation that we need to build our marriages upon. In 5:1-16 we see what we are not to do if we want to imitate God. Then in 5:18 we are reminded that if we want to imitate God and follow his calling on our lives, we must “be filled with the Spirit.” He then goes on to talk about what Spirit-filled godly relationships will be like. He says in 5:21 “Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.”
Godly, spirit-filled relationships are those where there is submission to one another. Now “Submission” is one of those “politically incorrect” terms that instantly cause the hairs on the back of your neck to stand up. But while it may evoke all kinds of negative images, we have to admit this morning that it is God’s plan for our relationships. So, if we are going to be imitators of God and live up to the calling he gives us, we better understand this and choose to obey.
The idea of submission is “surrendering to a decision or action of another.” It really is a military term that refers to arranging troops under the command of a leader. It is a voluntary act of cooperation. Many times we get the idea that submission is just a man’s way of telling a woman that he is better than her. But that is not the scriptural idea. Rather it is the idea of filling a role of cooperation.
We find the same term in Luke 2:51 where Jesus left his parents and was in the temple. They cam and found him, and verse 51 tells us “Then he went down to Nazareth with them and was obedient to them.” Jesus was obedient to his parents, not because they were better than he, but because they were the ones the father had placed in a place of authority over Jesus. They filled that role.
In Romans 13:1 we find this idea of submission again. “Everyone must submit himself to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God. Consequently, he who rebels against the authority is rebelling against what God has instituted, and those who do so will bring judgment on themselves.” Submission is an act of obedience to God.
In an orchestra, the conductor helps keep everyone playing together. He fills a role to keep everyone cooperating together.
And in a marriage we need submission, the voluntary act of surrendering to the decisions of another, to keep the marriage healthy and well. A preacher named B B Lakin used to say, “When we got married, my wife told me, you being the husband, you’ll make all the big important decisions. And I’ll try to help you by managing the little distracting decisions. He said “it’s been 40 years, and there hasn’t been a big decision yet!”
God teaches us that unity in working together is how we honor Christ. It says in verse 21 that we submit “out of reverence for Christ.”
So, what does this mean for us in our marriages? That’s where we want to look this morning.
Read 5:22-33 - There are two main ideas in this passage - one for men and one for women. Men are to love their wives. Women are to respect their husbands. And by loving and respecting each other, we become the imitators of God that show the proper pattern to the world. Let’s pray that God teaches us today how better to reflect his pattern. PRAY
We find here the first instruction is for the wives -
*Wives are to be in submission to their husbands. Not because men are better than women; it never says that. A friend of mine once said, “Do you know what would have happened if there had been “Three Wise Women” instead of “Three Wise Men”?
They would have asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole, and brought practical gifts, like booties and blankets, that they had crocheted during their spare time!
Wives are not to submit because their husbands are better than them. If fact, wives are not to submit because their husbands are worthy of respect. In 1 Peter 3:1 it says “Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behaviour of their wives.” Even unsaved, ungodly husbands are to be submitted to. Back to Ephesians 5 again, it says submission is to be in everything, it’s not just a pick and choose option. So, why are wives to submit. Two reasons”
1. Submission is an act of obedience to Christ. Wives are to submit because this is God’s plan. And
2. Submission is done because of respect for the husbands role as the “head.” Now this term head, is the word “Kephale” which is the term for a “leader.” The husband’s role is that of a “leader.” Remember the term “submission” is a military term referring to arranging troops under a leader. Well, God says the husband needs to fill that role as leader. And the wife chooses to voluntarily cooperate with the husband in fulfilling that arrangement.
Now, let’s jump to the husbands and see what this leadership involves.
The husband is to lead the wife as Christ loves the church.
The husband is to be the leader, the initiator, the one who goes out and engages in battle. For any marriage, this means three things for the husbands.
1. Surrendering - “to lift up” - We see that husbands are to sacrifice for their wives just as Christ loved and gave of himself for the church. Philippians 2 tells us how Christ showed this: “Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be grasped, but made himself nothing, taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself and became obedient to death--even death on a cross!” Christ did not demand his authority, but made himself a servant. He gave up his will to obey the father’s will. What does this love look like? Romans 5:8 tells us, “But God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.” Husbands need this surrender of self to truly love our wives.
Now, when Christ died, we were sinners, separated from God, but Christ saw us for what we could become. He died so we could live unto righteousness. In the same way as husbands we need to see what our wives can become. We need to “lift our wives up” and offer them encouragement and affirmation. Then we need to help our wives become what they can be. The second aspect of leading our wives is this:
2. Sanctifying - or “setting apart” - it tells us in verse 26 that Christ sought to make his bride, the church, “holy” or “set apart to God.” Part of the leadership role that God gives to husbands is to lead our wives to grow in spiritual maturity. How does that happen? Verse 26 tells us the answer - we use the word! It is God’s word which Timothy tells us is useful to make us equipped for every good work.
Now, remember that the leadership role is just that - a role. You could easily say “my wife knows more of the Bible than I do.” And that’s great. The leadership role is not one of comparison, but one of cooperation. Your goal as a husband is not to be smarter than your wife, but to be leading her as you both grow together spiritually. Our role as husbands, in truly loving our wives, is to help her reflect God’s glory in her life; and at the same time we help her reflect what is not for God’s glory in her life.
Men, what have you done to help your wife grow spiritually? When is the last time you prayed with her - and not just about a family crisis? When did you last read the Bible together? When did you last talk about your dreams and goals and what you felt God leading your family to do? As husbands we are to surrender, to lift up our wives; and we are to sanctify, to set them apart from the world, set apart to serving God and loving God and growing to better reflect his image.
The third part of loving our wives is also found here in this passage.
3. Stationing - “to draw her close” - verse 31 reminds us we are to “be united to our wife.” It says we are to love them as we love ourselves. It says Christ sacrificed for the church to present her to himself. As husbands, part of the process of loving our wives is to draw her close into intimacy, into intimate fellowship.
As husbands, what have you done recently to make your wife feel close to you. And the correct answer is not, “I let her sit beside me while I watched the NASCAR race.” Nor is the right answer, “I gave her money to go shopping while I was out bowling last week.” What have you intentionally done that draws your wife into a warm, close, intimate relationship with you?
This is a struggle that all men have. We love competition, we love conquest, we love battle. But we struggle with vulnerability, intentionality, with speaking out into our worlds. God created men to be those who spoke into silence, but from the days of Adam, men have been failing in their responsibility.
Genesis 3:6 tells us that when Eve took the forbidden fruit “she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it.” Adam is present at the temptation, and he fails to speak out, he fails to lead, fails to protect, fails to draw his wife to himself. Instead he takes the passive role and we have had a world of passive men ever since.
What makes a woman feel loved? A husband who sacrifices and surrenders himslef for her, a husband who sanctifies her and helps her be the best she can be, and a husband who stations her close to him - who draws her into intimacy with himself.
Now, back to the wives, this passage closes with the call for wives - we’ve already seen the command to submit, but the chapter closes with these words in verse 33 - “and the wife must respect her husband.”
Why does God call husbands to love their wives and wives to respect their husbands. Partly, I believe, because wives love easily, but what men long to have is not just love, but respect. Part of the affirmation of their role as leader is that respect for the position they hold. As we said before, this respect in not just when it is deserved, but at all times. So wives, let me ask you, how have you affirmed your respect for your husband recently? The answer is not “I’ve cooked him three meals a day” nor is the answer “we have sex twice a week.” Look in the mirror and ask yourself if you have truly respected your husband and expressed that to him.
Now, there is a catch 22, an ongoing problem that husbands and wives face. One speaker calls it the “crazy cycle.” Men desire respect, women desire to be loved. Men often know they are loved, but don’t feel respected. Women are provided for yet they feel unloved, they don’t feel that intimate closeness that God desires husbands and wives to have. A wife needs to feel loved or she becomes disrespectful; a husband needs to feel respected or he becomes unloving. He needs respect and shee needs love just like we all need air. So, often a wife will not respect her husband, which causes the husband not to love his wife, which causes a wive to not love her husband, and the cycle continues on and on. The breakdown can start with either party.
The question is “what will we do to break this cycle?” Let me give you 3 answers.
1. Give respect and love even if it is unearned. Scripture speaks of loving and respecting as unconditional. It is not a question of whether or not your spouse has earned it, because I can assure you they have not. I’m sure they’ve done something unworthy. But we choose to love and respect anyways.
2. Commit to continuing on even if there are no immediate results. Often a spouse tries to give love or respect, but if there are no immediate great changes in attitude or behavior, they fail to continue. Let’s remember that we are commanded to love and respect. It is not based on merit or behavior. Which leads to the third step to breaking this crazy cycle
3. Love and respect your spouse as an act of obedience to the Lord. We do this because it is right, because God commands it. Not because we feel like it. There are times we feel no love or respect, but we choose to show it anyways, we act in loving and respectful ways because we know that that is the choice that honors God.
When we think back to Adam and Eve’s disobedience in the garden. Remember there was a curse that was given. To the woman, the curse was frustration - pain in childbearing and the desire to rule over her husband, but he would be given the lead. To men, the curse involved failure - he would toil and sweat to bring forth his food, and one day simply return to the dust he was taken from. Women are haunted by frustration and men by failure - but when we break the crazy cycle and show love and respect, men will eliminate that frustration in women by drawing them close into intimate relationship; and women will overcome a man’s sense of failure by respecting him and affirming him for who he is and what he does.
This goes back to the very thing we talked about in marriage last week: the idea of a helper suitable, a completer, the idea that husband and wife work together as a team to be one and to model to the world the unity that God desires to see.
May God help us to show love and respect in our marriages and so honor him.
