Life in the Fast Lane
Dealing With Death: Getting Help When The Brakes Lock Up
2 Samuel 12:19-24
Woodlawn Baptist Church
December 5, 2004
Introduction
“But when David saw that his servants whispered, David perceived that the child was dead: therefore David said unto his servants, Is the child dead? And they said, He is dead. Then David arose from the earth, and washed, and anointed himself, and changed his apparel, and came into the house of the Lord, and worshipped: then he came to his own house; and when he required, they set bread before him, and he did eat. Then said his servants unto him, What thing is this that thou hast done? Thou didst fast and weep for the child, while it was alive; but when the child was dead, thou didst rise and eat bread. And he said, While the child was yet alive, I fasted and wept: for I said, Who can tell whether God will be gracious unto me, that the child may live? But now he is dead, wherefore should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he shall not return to me. And David comforted Bathsheba his wife…”
Although it may seem like an odd subject during a time we typically think of Christmas messages, this morning I want to spend some time speaking about the subject of death. We have spent several weeks now dealing with various life pressures, thinking about how our culture tries to conform us into its image and examining what God’s Word says to those of us who are believers – and I can think of few pressures of life that can be so difficult as that of death – particularly when the death occurs during the holidays.
It is not your death that I want to talk about, but the death of a loved one. How do you deal with such a great loss? How do you continue on when someone you love departs and everything in your life suddenly comes to a screeching halt? Do you remember how we used to practice driving in the Driver’s Ed cars? The driver’s side of the car was equipped with standard features, but unlike all other cars, the passenger seat is equipped with an extra break. I remember driving along one day when I failed to stop like I was supposed to and the instructor slammed on his brakes. I was completely out of control of the situation. One minute I was driving, the next I wasn’t.
Some of you know the feeling. People die don’t they? They die unexpectedly. They die too young. They die because of the acts of another. They die naturally. You get comfortable, thinking that you’ve got lots of time and you’ll always be together, then they’re gone. We know the Scriptures. We know that “it is appointed unto man once to die…” We know that death is no respecter of persons. One out of every one people die: young, old, sick, healthy, poor, rich, good and bad. But while we know these things, death still comes upon us and slams on the brakes and brings life to a stop. Watching TV isn’t the same any more. Eating dinner alone or without that person at the table isn’t the same. It is the empty spot in the bed, or the empty recliner – the traditions that don’t get carried on, or the little pleasures that can’t be shared. We lose so much when someone dies: a carpenter, a cook, a best friend, a fishing buddy, someone to hold hands with. Life simply seems to come to a screeching halt and whether we like it or not things are different. David experienced such an event in his life. You remember that he and Bathsheba had a son, an infant son that became terminally ill. As the baby boy struggled for his life, David suddenly found himself in a terrible situation. He couldn’t eat, couldn’t rest, couldn’t concentrate or carry out his regular activities. His life too had come to a complete stop. When the child finally died, David’s closest friends were so worried about what his reaction would be that they didn’t want to tell him, but they had to.
Listen, you don’t have to live with someone for years and years to become emotionally attached to them. No matter whether the person is a baby, a teenager, middle-aged or old death comes as an unwelcome and uninvited thief, stealing away someone you love and care about, and when it does, you are left to deal with it. So the question becomes this: how do you deal with it? How do you deal with the death of someone you love, particularly when seasons of our lives frequently remind us of the loss (like the holidays or birthdays or anniversaries)? David gives us some clues that I want to share with you, and it is my prayer and hope that the message will be one God will use to help you as death affects your own life.
Accept the Reality of Death
In verses 19-20, David noticed that his servants were whispering around him. He knew something was up, something they didn’t want to tell him, so he went and confronted them about it. He came right out and asked them, “Is he dead?” When they told him the news, the Bible says that David got up, washed and anointed himself and put on some fresh clothes. He accepted the reality of death.
How old were you when you began to realize that people die? I’ll never forget my first funeral. I was a young boy, and my grandfather had died. We had been to see him in the hospital – a man in his prime, around 50, dying with cancer and brain tumors. It wasn’t very long after that that we made another trip to Kansas to attend the funeral. Mom and dad took me to the funeral home and walked me up to the casket to view the body. They wanted me to see the body, wanted me to realize that he was dead: not just asleep, not just away, but dead.
Death is a reality that we must accept. Although you may wonder, and questions may abound, the most important thing about death is not why it happened, or how things could have been, or what might have been done, but that we accept it. People may be living longer today than they ever have. Medical science has done much to prolong life, health and fitness centers abound, but death still comes to us all. Just as birth and growth are a natural part of living, so also is death.
Turn To God
After David cleaned himself up and changed clothes, the first place he went was to God’s house for a time of worship. The word worship used in verse 20 simply means to prostrate oneself. In other words, David went into the house of the Lord and placed himself before the Lord in such a way as to recognize God’s place over him. He was acknowledging God for who He really is. Turning to God is about giving God the place in our lives that He deserves, and as it concerns death, it is about acknowledging that God knows what He’s doing in our lives. Let me give you two things that you ought to acknowledge:
First, there are no accidental deaths. No one, and I mean no one, dies on accident. You can call it an auto accident, but that person had an appointment with death. The drive-by shooting, the job-related death, the surgery gone wrong: all examples of what we call accidents, but in reality are men and women making that appointment that God has already determined that we call death.
Secondly, God has something for you as well. You can be sure that David wanted to know God’s will. He may have argued with God. He may have expressed his disappointment and sorrow, but ultimately he accepted and acknowledged that God knew what He was doing and that death was the outcome, and we must learn to do the same. I know that when death strikes, we are going to ask questions, and most often the question is why. There’s nothing wrong with asking why, but don’t camp out there. The most important question you can ask, and one you need to ask is this, “What?” In other words, “What do you want me to do now?” or “What would you have me to understand from this?”
There’s another thing to remember when we talk about you turning to God. Turning to God implies that we have turned away from everything else. In John 6, a large number of people had been following Jesus, but after He began to lay out some pretty heavy teachings, most of the people turned away and never followed Him again. Jesus watched them walk away, then asked the disciples, “Will you also go away?” Their answer should be ours – “Lord, to whom would we turn?” Who else is there?
In the midst of your hurt and sorrow and grief, turn to the Lord. When you acknowledge God’s hand at work in the death of your loved one, what you are acknowledging is His Lordship in your life. You are acknowledging that He knows best – that He sees farther down the road than you can, and that He knows you better than you know yourself. Does God know what it is like to lose someone close? He watched in agony as His only begotten Son was crucified and hung on that cross. There’s not a hurt, no tear, no pain that God won’t understand and be able to help you with, so turn to Him. I like the simple words of the poem called The Hands of Christ…
The hands of Christ
Seem very frail;
For they were broken
By a nail.
But only they
Reach heaven at last;
Whom these frail, broken
Hands hold fast.
Allow God’s Peace to Settle Your Heart
I love to read verses 20-22. David wasn’t freaking out or acting out of control. He cleaned up and sat down to eat a peaceful meal. He was so calm about the whole situation his servants were beside themselves. They were convinced he would cry worse than before, that he would react violently or irrationally. They never expected him to just sit down and grab a bite to eat, but that’s exactly what he did. His words of explanation to them reveal a heart at peace with God.
“While the child was yet alive, I fasted and wept: for I said, Who can tell whether God will be gracious unto me, that the child may live? But now he is dead, wherefore should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he shall not return to me.”
Where does that come from? It comes only from close communion with the Lord. It comes from having spent time in His presence, acknowledging His hand at work in your life, accepting certain events as realities instead of living in denial and doubt. You see, peace is a fruit of the Spirit. You can’t produce peace. You can’t manufacture it. Peace doesn’t come from getting alone for a while. The absence of anxiety or worry or stress doesn’t come from a pill or a bottle or a nap. Getting rid of all their stuff won’t bring it, redecorating won’t bring it, moving won’t bring it, new relationships won’t bring it – nothing will except time spent in His presence. That takes us back to a time of worship – time spent in communion with the Lord through prayer, through time spent in His Word, in fellowship with His people, and in continued dependency on Him.
Now, in all fairness, I want to say this: when a death occurs in your life, it is unfair of me or of anyone else to expect you to be so much in communion with God that you don’t grieve. Grieving is a natural process, and different people do it in different ways. A natural death can take up to a couple of years to work through, and perhaps longer if the death is traumatic. You ought never feel ashamed of grieving, or feel like you have to apologize for doing it. There is nothing wrong with being saddened by the holidays or by an anniversary, even years down the road – it is a normal, natural process, and one we ought to encourage people to go through instead of trying to rush them on. Having said that – let me also urge you on to communion with Christ. He is the only place you’ll find the peace you’re searching for, peace even in the midst of times of grief.
Avoid a Spirit of Self-Centeredness
Now I want to make this point carefully, because I don’t want you to be confused by what I mean by self-centeredness. It is one thing to take care of yourself during a time of great loss. You need to talk. You need to be ministered to. You need rest and nourishment and attention. You need to be able to express what you’re going through and so there’s nothing wrong with going through the process with the attention turned toward you for a season, but needing the compassionate hand of friends and loved ones and nurturing a spirit of self-centeredness are two different things.
When many people experience a close death, they withdraw from others for extended periods of time, some even waiting to see who will call, almost hoping that no one will. “I knew those people didn’t love me.” Saying things like that is not only unfair, they are also untrue. Self-pity, bitterness, anger…you might think of some other ways people turn inward and demand that you be the center of attention. It is manipulative behavior, and it is sinful behavior.
Notice what David does in verse 24. He ministered to his wife – to those closest to him. Out of a heart that had been in communion with Christ, drawing strength from Him, gaining peace and comfort from Him, flowed this ability to take the grief and sorrow he was experiencing and turn it outward so that he could use his experience to minister to those who might not be handling grief so well. Allow God to take your hurt and sorrow and channel it into the lives of those closest to you. As they struggle with their losses, you can allow God to minister to them through you. In doing so you not only reveal your faith, but you also point others to the one source of strength and comfort that will never fail you. It is one thing to quote the 23rd Psalm, but another altogether to be a living example of its realities.
Conclusion
So how do we deal with death? Remember the driver’s ed car? You’re cruising along when suddenly the car comes to a screeching halt? It didn’t stop on its own. If we will only look over, we’ll see that even though we’ve got the steering wheel and our foot on the gas, someone else is really in control. It is no different with life. To a large degree, we control the steering wheels of our lives, and we largely control how fast we want to run through this life, but when life comes to a stop, all we need to do is recognize that someone wiser, someone with a greater concern for us than even we ourselves is in control, so when the car gets stopped, it is stopped for a reason.
While you can’t determine that reason, you can do these things we’ve talked about – you can accept the reality of death, you can turn to God. You can accept God’s peace and use the experience to help you minister to others, but there is one final thing I want to point out from a statement David said. He told his servants that the child would not return to him, but that one day he would be with the child.
There are a lot of ideas in the world today about what happens when someone dies. Some say they become angels. Others think they are reincarnated. Some believe they simply go out of existence, and a popular thinking is that we all go to heaven, but none of these are true. David knew it, and he was confident of his own standing before God. You see, the truth of the matter is that when a person dies, they either go to heaven or hell. That’s it. You don’t become an angel. No one does. You don’t come back as someone else, you don’t simply go out of existence, and all roads do not lead to heaven. It is a choice you have to make – one that David too had made.
At some point in his life he trusted in the coming Savior, repented of his sins and placed his faith in Christ, and because of that act of faith he was saved and his position in heaven was secured. He never had to doubt his eternal destiny, and never had to wonder whether he would see his loved one again. What about you? Do you know for sure? Have you made that decision? Have you prepared your heart for that time you too will meet the Lord? “Cast all your cares on Him, for He cares for you.”
