HOPE FOR HURTING PARENTS
LUKE 15:11-24
The deepest hurts that we experience in life come from our families -- our spouse, our children, our relatives. They can be ungrateful, they can be unkind, they can be unfaithful. This story that we’re going to look at today is Jesus’ most famous parable. It’s a story that gives hope for hurting parents. It’s not just a lesson about God’s love, but it’s a lesson about parenting.
I’m no authority about parenting. I feel like Charles Shed, who used to do a seminar on parenting when he was single. It was called, "How to Raise Your Children." Then he said after he got married, he changed the title to "Some Suggestions for Parents". Then, after he had his first kid, he change it to "Feeble Hints to Fellow Strugglers". And after he had three kids, he said he stopped giving the lecture. [A lady jumped on the bus one day with five kids. The bus diver said, "Are all of these your kids or is it a picnic?" She said, "They’re all mine and it’s no picnic." -- Another: The lady asked her husband, after he took their son to school, "Did Billy cry when you took him to school?" He said, "No, but his teacher did."]
I’m no authority, but God is an authority and that’s what we’re going to look at today. One of the things that has really bothered me is why is it that godly parents have kids that go astray? Why?
I don’t know the answer to that. I don’t think there is a single answer. I don’t think you can know. There are a lot of factors and I think a lot of parents carry a lot of guilt thinking that they’re the only thing responsible for their kids. They’re not. There are a lot of other factors you don’t have any control over. God has given us a free will.
As a pastor, more than other people, I see the hurt and the heartbreak that happens in a family when one family member chooses a lifestyle that messes everybody else up. It hurts.
Today I want us to look at this story. I think this story illustrates what do you do when your children grow beyond your control. I don’t want to talk about, Why? I don’t know the reasons why. I want to talk about, What do you do when your children grow beyond your control. We see three stages in this story.
STAGE ONE: THE REBELLION OF THE SON.
v. 11 "Jesus said, `There’s a man who had two sons and the younger one said to his father, "Father, give me my share of the estate." So he divided his property between them and not long after that the younger son got all he had together and he sat of for a distant country and there squandered his wealth in wild living.’"
Stage one is rebellion. In every parent-child relationship there’s going to be a struggle. It’s called a struggle for control. Who’s in charge? It’s a power control. At birth, as a parent, you are 100% in control. But as they grow, the power gets transferred. Your control is not permanent. Kids want control sooner than we want to give it. They think they deserve it sooner than we’re ready to give it out. Kids have a sin nature. If you don’t believe, "All have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God" you’ve never been a parent. We all do have our own stubborn ways.
Here we have a classic confrontation. V. 12 "Father, give me..." Circle "give me" -- that’s the root of rebellion. If I could just do as I please, if I could just be my own boss, if I didn’t have to answer to anyone life would be great. He was fed up with the farm.
Rebellion is unpredictable. He has two sons. They are radically different. One is strong willed. One is complacent. Both of them had problems, though. You can never tell which one is going to be the rebellious one. It’s not age related. Here it is the younger son was the one who caused the problems. When does it happen? I don’t know. I’ve known some kids in diapers who were controlling the family.
In verse 13, it says "He got all he had together and sat off for a distant country and squandered his wealth in wild living." This guys heads for Hollywood. He’s going to live it up! He goes to Sunset Strip in Jerusalem and gets in his Camelac and cruises the Boulevard. He’s having one great time! Evidently this guy had grown beyond his parent’s control. His father could not keep him at home. When does it happen? I don’t know. I think it happens sooner than we’d like to admit it. Or sooner than we wish it would be. I imagine he was 17, 18, 19 years old
I want us to look at, What do you do when they are legally independent and you can’t control them anymore. This father did three difficult actions. I think he’s a model for us because this parable represents God. And God is the perfect Father. What do you do when you can’t control your kid anymore? And they’re going to go live in a lifestyle the opposite of what you want them to do?
1. LET THEM GO
"the younger son set off" and the father didn’t chase him. He released him. From birth we’re preparing our kids to leave. I think one of the most difficult tasks of parenting is knowing when to let go. It’s hard. When do I let them go? If your 18 year old came to you with this request, would you give into it? No way! Money is one way we try to control our kids, even after they’re married.
This may have seemed foolish to his father. No doubt he tried to reason with him but to no avail. The young man was determined to leave. The fact is, the tighter we hold on, the more they resist. One day they will explode. Let them go. That’s hard.
2. LET THEM MAKE THEIR OWN MISTAKES
"he squandered his wealth in wild living" He took everything his dad had given him and blew it. He wasted it all. At first the story is great. It’s party time! He’s living it up! Jet set! Go for the gusto! He probably tried everything, especially those things that were forbidden at home. He’s out having a good time and living it up. He tosses his parents’ values to the wind and rejects their background and has a great time. But he wasted his wealth.
Rebellion is always a waste of life. Kids are not too wise with money. They tend to waste it. Do you think that this father knew that his son was going to waste it? Sure. Do you think he knew his son was headed for trouble? Sure. Do you think he was tempted to send letters of advice? Sure.
The father realized that there are some things we only learn through pain. This kid was stubborn. The only way he was going to learn it was through the school of hard knocks. He would never learn at home or in the classroom what he was going to learn out in life because convictions come from life, not from a classroom. It’s risky but it’s the only way for this kid.
"Sometimes it takes a painful situation to make us change our ways."
Someone as said, "I’ve talked to a lot of people and most of them say, `If I had to do over I’d do less for my child and make him do more for himself.’" Force him to be responsible, to grow up. When we take responsibility for our children, we take it away from them. And they resent it.
It’s hard to let them go and it’s even harder to let them make their own mistakes. He let him blow it. The hardest of all is number three.
3. LET THEM REAP THE CONSEQUENCES OF THEIR OWN CHOICES.
There is a price tag for rebellion. It says, "after he spent everything, he began to be in need." There is a price tag for rebellion. Galatians 6:7 "Whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he reap. Do not be deceived, God is not mocked." What you sow you will reap.
v. 14 "After he spent everything, there was a severe famine in the whole country and he began to be in need so he went and hired himself out to a citizen of that country who sent him into his fields to feed pigs. And he longed to fill his stomach with the pods the pigs were eating but no one gave him anything."
It’s hard times! The party’s over! He’s broke. He’s friendless. He hits bottom. He has empty pockets, empty stomach, empty life. The father is watching this son reap the consequences of his own choices.
How do you think his parents felt when they saw him do this. "We’ve raised him. We’ve given him everything. We’ve done right. And now he’s blowing it all!" How do you think they felt?
They probably felt sorry. "My kid is out there suffering! I can’t let him just sit there in a pig pen eating pig slop! He’s dying over there. He’s hurting." You feel sorry for your child.
They probably felt embarrassed. Here’s a wealthy farmer and his kid is living like a bum. On top of that, he’s working in a pig factory. For a kocher Jew that’s about as low as you can go. You couldn’t even eat pork, much less touch the pigs or work with them. Here this kid is tending pigs. How do you think that fit into Jewish culture? They were embarrassed. Ever report made them want to die. Every little bit of gossip was like a knife in the heart and some of you have felt that way. Your kids have gone off and done things that you don’t approve of and you didn’t teach them to do. Yet there are some self righteous parents who sit around and say, "My kid never did that." Or they look at you with a self righteous look as if it’s all your fault.
And they probably felt a little self condemnation. "Where did we go wrong?" The fact is, all of us make mistakes in parenting. But you are not the only influence in your child’s life. I think there’s a lot of false guilt, a lot of unjustified condemnation. The fact is, it’s not fair to take all the blame yourself. There are forces beyond your control. Your child has choices that he makes. He has friends that he chooses. He has teachers that you don’t control. He has books and movies he sees. He has all kinds of influences and choices.
I think God understands that. Children have a free will. James Dobson says that once a kid reaches grade school, already at that point, the parent is no longer the primary influence in their life. Because they spend so much time away from you. Parent responsibility ends where there is no control. If your kids have left home and he’s out of your control, you’re not responsible. You can be responsible to someone but not for them. You are not them. They have a choice. If there is no control, there can be no responsibility. You can’t feel guilty over something you didn’t control.
He’s reaping the consequences of his own decision. He’s spent everything and then began to be in need. There’s a great temptation here as parents. And that is to intervene. Send the care package. Wire the money. Bail them out. Fly out to see them. Send them money.
The father knew something very important that all of us have to learn. Nature has a way of disciplining our children in ways that we can’t. Don’t short circuit the natural consequences. Let them reap the consequences of their own decision. It’s those kinds of things that we remember the longest.
The father didn’t intervene and he let him hit rock bottom --
But because he did not intervene, they came to Stage Two
II. STAGE TWO: RE-EVALUATION AND REGRET
v. 17 "When he came to his senses." Some of you are praying for that sentence in your children’s lives. When is my kid going to wake up? When is he going to come to his senses? When is he going to see that he’s ruining his life? You’re praying for that.
"When he came to his senses he said, `How many of my father’s hired men have food to spare and here I am starving to death? I will set out and go back to my father and I will say to him, "Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. And I’m no longer worthy to be called your son. Make me like one of your hired men."’" Notice the change in attitude. He goes through a process from re-evaluation, to regret, to repentance.
Re-evaluation. He begins to wise up. It says "He came to himself" He faces the facts and recognizes "This is stupid! What am I doing here? Why am I setting here feeding pigs pig slop. This is insane. This lifestyle is not worth it." He begins to question his own lifestyle. "Is this really smart?"
The fact is, we never change until we get desperate. God has to get our attention.
He gets homesick. He’s setting in the pigpen and says, "This place stinks. It’s the pits. My dad’s servants get better treatment than this." He gets desperate. So he says in repentance, "I will go home." And he heads off for home not for a change of clothes but for a change of heart.
Notice the difference. In v. 12 he says, "Father, give me..." When he comes home, v. 19, he says, "Father, make me..." He’s broken. He’s saying, I made a mess of my life, make me one of your hired servants -- A change of heart.
What do you do during this stage, while you’re waiting for your child to come to the re-evaluation stage and regrets. Three things.
1. YOU PRAY
Pray and pray and never stop praying. Our children -- my children, your children -- are targets of Satan. From the day that they take a breath, Satan is trying to ruin their lives. They need to be prayed for. That’s one of our chief responsibilities as parents is to pray for our children. Every day.
2. COMMIT
Commit them to God. The things that are out of our control are not out of God’s control. Although we may not be able to change the situation, God can. Commit them to the Lord.
3. WAIT
Wait and wait... Wait patiently. Many of you are doing that right now. That’s hard but there is always a waiting period. it takes longer for some. But whatever you do, don’t short circuit nature’s discipline. Because the father waited, the son came to stage three.
III. STAGE THREE: THE RETURN
How you handle the return is very crucial. v. 20 "So he got up and he went to his father. But while he was still a long way off his father saw him and was filled with compassion for him. He ran and threw his arms around him and he kissed him." How do you handle it? He did three things. Remember this is the ideal father responding. This is God. This is not some human being. This is what God would do. In fact, it is what God does to you in your rebellion. It’s a model for us. He did three things:
1. LOVE THEM FAITHFULLY
Stubborn love. You never give up. It says, "His father, while he was still a long way off, was filled with compassion." Not when he had come back home and got his life together. He was filled with compassion while he was still a long way off. The father had never given up hope. No matter how far they fall, no matter how long you wait, the door was left open for reconciliation. You love them faithfully.
2. ACCEPT THEM UNCONDITIONALLY
It says His father went out and it says he threw his arms around him. He ran to him and he kissed him and hugged him. Here’s a moving picture of acceptance, open arms. Notice he did not set any conditions for acceptance. He did not say, "Go home and get shaved and a haircut and a bath and then I’ll hug you and kiss you." Can you imagine how this guy probably smelled? He’s been living in a pig pen, giving slop to hogs, eating this slop (he was so hungry himself). He’s at the bottom. He probably said "I’m leaving!" and he got up with all that stuff on him, he walks home through the desert, it’s probably caked through his beard and matted in his hair. He was probably grossed out!
But what does his father do? He runs out and gives him a big bear hug. And kisses him. Unconditional acceptance. He didn’t say, "Go get a bath first!"
Some of you are saying, "How can I accept him without lowering my standards? How can I accept my child when I don’t approve at all of their lifestyle?" The problem is we confuse acceptance with approval and there is a big difference. There’s a difference between acceptance and approval. Acceptance says, "I love you, child, because you’re my child. God made you and I love you, but I do not approve of what you’re doing." You can accept a child or a person without approving of their lifestyle.
The language of acceptance is always physical. He ran, he hugs, he kisses, he caresses. A poster says, "Sometimes a hug can make all the difference." That’s so true! Fathers, love your kids. Tell them you love them. Hug them. Kiss them. You weren’t brought up that way? Change! You can change if you want to. Be a better parent. Be a loving parent. Express that love. I can’t imagine the number of kids who are going around never hearing their parent’s say "I love you, I’m proud of you," hugging them, kissing them.
When you accept them unconditionally, it makes it so much easier to admit you’re wrong. Look at the son’s confession. He ran and kissed him and hugged him long before the son said, "I blew it!" v. 21 "Then the son said, `Father, I have sinned against heaven and against you. He had already rehearsed this in his mind and I’m no longer worthy to be called your son.’" Confession is so easy when you know you’ve already been accepted.
I think a very important question we need to ask ourselves, parents, is, Do you make it easy for your kids to admit it when they’re wrong? Or do you hold it over their heads? Do you make them come groveling? Do you make it easy for your kids to say, "I was wrong, Mom/Dad." Remember this is a perfect parent. But we’re imperfect. And most likely we need to do some confession, too. When the prodigal son comes home and says "I blew it!" you say "I blew it, too". We’ve all made a mistake. I think there needs to be some mutual confession, mutual restoration. Love them faithfully and accept them unconditionally.
3. FORGIVE THEM COMPLETELY
v. 22 "But the father said to his servants. `Quick! Bring the best robe and put it on him and put a ring on his finger and sandals on his feet and bring the fattened calf and kill it. Let’s feast! Let’s celebrate!"
What I like about this father is he didn’t rub it in, he rubbed it out. He didn’t keep reminding his son and holding it over his head the rest of his life -- "Remember that time when you rebelled? Never again will I trust you. Remember that time when you disobeyed me, when you disavowed my trust, when you broke the relationship? Never again will I trust you!" He didn’t say that. He didn’t say, "I told you so." He could have. He was probably tempted to. He didn’t say, "You blew half of my wealth!" The prodigal son didn’t need a sermon. The father gave him a second chance. He forgave him completely.
Notice he did three things:
1. "Bring forth a robe".
In Jewish culture the robe was a sign of son ship -- you’re back in the family.
2. "Put a ring on his finger".
In those days the ring was a signet. It’s what you signed your name with to sign any bills. It’s like a credit card. You could charge things with your ring. You’d push it in the wax and that signet would loan you money. He’s basically saying, "Bring out the American Express and give him the credit card." Would you do that to a prodigal returning home? Give him the ring, give him the unlimited credit. That’s a sign of trust. That’s a sign of being forgiven completely.
3. Restored to a full relation.
The important thing I want you to get here -- it’s very important -- the father gave him responsibility. He forced him to accept responsibility when he came home. He did not allow his son to move back into a dependent relationship. This story is called the Prodigal Son but actually it should be called The Loving Father because the father is the hero of the story -- the parent. The typical reaction is: "I blew it! I made a mistake! I can’t take care of my own life, therefore I’m abdicating all my rights and authority to you. Please make the decisions for me. You please be my boss." He comes home saying "make me".
That’s why kids who get messed up out in the streets are such easy prey for cults. They are looking for a father figure who will make all the decisions for them. They’ve made a mess of there lives, they blew it. They think, "I can’t do it!" so they look for a somebody who will make all the decisions for them so they don’t have to accept responsibility for their lives.
The father knew enough to reject that. And the father forced him to accept responsibility, to act like an adult. He would not let him become dependant.
The fact is, this story shows how God deals with our rebellion. That’s the primary purpose of it. We’ve taken matters into our own hands, the Bible says we’ve all sinned, we’ve done our own thing. We mess up our lives. But God says, "Come on home!" God gives us another chance.
This story has a happy ending. But for many of you the jury is still out. You’ve got a child out there that you don’t know if they’re ever going to shape up. You don’t know how they’re going to turn out. Maybe they’ve rejected everything in your life and they’ve hurt you deeply. They’ve ridiculed your values and they’ve rejected your counsel and rebelled against your authority. You’re hurt and it’s agony. It’s embarrassing because you tend to take all the blame on yourself. You’re angry. You wonder "Why?" What do you do?
Give your hurts to God. You give your hurts to God. He’s the only one who can heal them.
Maybe you’re the rebellious person. Maybe you’re the rebellious child. Maybe you’ve thought, "It’s my life! I can do whatever I want to with it. It’s nobody else’s business what I do. If my family would just leave me alone..." Let me show you the fallacy of that kind of argument.
Let’s say you get stranded in a boat in the middle of the Pacific Ocean with six other people. Just out of sheer boredom and not thinking what you’re doing, you take out a pocket knife and begin to carve a hole in the boat under your seat. Somebody looks at you and says, "You dummy! Stop! You’re going to sink the ship." Would it be logical for you to say, "Wait a minute! It’s my life. I’m doing this hole under my chair. I can do as I please."
The fact is, for the rest of your life, everything you do will influence other people whether you like it or not, whether you want to or not, whether you ever marry or don’t marry. You will influence other people by your decisions. Especially you’ll influence those you love.
Maybe both of you -- parents and child -- need to get together and have a reconciliation. Some of you parents are saying, "I feel so bad. I can’t get it out of my mind. I feel like it’s all my fault." I want to remind you that, here, the father was perfect yet his son rebelled. This represents God. The father had a son that went bad. It’s not all your fault.
