The holidays are fast approaching, and it is a time for families to come together. For many, this will be a wonderful time of shared love and fellowship where people can get caught up on the latest of what is happening in each other’s lives. It will be a good time of support and caring. But for others it will not be a pleasant time. Already some of you are feeling your stomach beginning to churn at the thought of being with family over the holidays. You may have some really annoying and irritating relatives. There is potential for conflict, and there may even be some there who are just looking for trouble. It is encouraging that the Bible reports that even Jesus had trouble with family relationships. The Bible tells us that for a long time his own brothers did not believe in him (John 7:5). As we read in the Scripture today, there was one point where they said he was out of his mind. So if your family thinks you are nuts and doesn’t have faith in you, rest in the fact that you are in good company.
Human relationships are the best part of life. They are also the most difficult part of life. They can be so rich and rewarding, and they can cut you to the bone and be a source of agony. In my own family there was always someone who was stirring up conflict. My childhood memories of Thanksgiving and Christmas with our extended family are all good, but mainly because I was too young to understand a lot of what was going on. Some people in the family would not show up to special occasions because certain other people were going to be there. My mother would try to make peace by having two different celebrations — one for those who could not get along with group A, and another for those who did not like group B. I naively thought that when these older troublemakers died off that peace would come to the family, but guess what, the people in the next generation picked right up where the older generation left off. We are going home to Indianapolis for Thanksgiving, and already the seeds for conflict are being planted, or I should say being planted, watered and cultivated.
I have been talking with people this week about their families and the holidays, and I have been amazed at how many people have real problems in their extended families. Some of us are going home to minefields where our patience and Christian experience are going to be tested. As I have listened to people describe their extended families, some of the things I heard are that certain families have a pecking order — there is a fierce sense of competition and rivalry among them — who has the best job, biggest house, brightest kids. Some of those I spoke with deal with a lot of unnecessary criticism and sarcasm from family members. (My own extended family thrived on sarcasm.) To be in some families you have to endure a lot of negative talk and pessimism. You hear little else but how terrible people are and how terrible life is. Some families just bristle with tension. It seems like there is always someone who is just waiting to pick a fight. They thrive on drama and conflict. Then the rest of the family feels forced to choose up sides. There are those are super-sensitive and always seem to get their feelings hurt — they control the family by making everyone walk on egg shells. Other families carry a lot of baggage from the past. There are grudges and bitterness from things that have gone on before. Certain family members are always wanting to get even. Perhaps you can see your family somewhere in there. Maybe the things you deal with in your family would make Desperate Housewives look like Little House on the Prairie.
Unfortunately, sometimes it is our Christian faith that divides us from other people in the family. And it is not that we are judging people or feeling superior to them, it is the nature of what happens when some are following Christ and others are antagonistic toward him and suspicious of anyone who claims to be a Christian. Remember that Jesus said, “Do you think I came to bring peace on earth? No, I tell you, but division. From now on there will be five in one family divided against each other, three against two and two against three. They will be divided, father against son and son against father, mother against daughter and daughter against mother, mother-in-law against daughter-in-law and daughter-in-law against mother-in-law” (Luke 12:51-53). Sometimes there is hostility toward us because there is hostility toward the One we follow. But, regardless, we are to try to do everything possible to bring peace.
I want us to think together about how Christians respond to this kind of conflict, and what we can do to bring healing and reconciliation to these relationships. The first thing I would like us to think about is, that in order to model Jesus and bring healing to your family: You have to practice humility. If you go to a family gathering with the idea that you are going to set everybody straight, you are probably going to leave bent. If you have to always be right, you are wrong. If you have to win every argument, you are going to lose. Humility means that you may have to admit that you were not only wrong, but the way you responded was wrong, and you contributed to the conflict.
One of the people I talked to told of an interesting incident that happened at a family gathering. She suddenly found herself under attack as some of the other family members decided to bring up everything that she had ever done wrong. They reminded her of things from long ago and accused her of being mean and hurtful. Her response was not to get defensive, deny any wrongdoing and fire back accusations of what she had seen in them that was wrong. Instead, she said to them, “You know, I am glad you brought that up. I have been feeling badly about some of those things for a long time. I need to ask you to forgive me.” What a great response Only a true Christ follower can make that kind of response. Instead of trying to answer them point by point, she purposely decided not to try and defend herself, but instead, to seek forgiveness — which did far more to bring those relationships together than if she had been able to convince them she was right at every point. It’s amazing what a little humility can do.
We are Christians, and we follow the Christ who said, “Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls” (Matthew 11:29). Isn’t it interesting that he said that the result of humility was rest? Humility takes us out of the conflict and ends the struggle. Paul wrote to the Romans saying, “Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited” (Romans 12:16). He wrote to the Philippians saying, “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves” (Philippians 2:3). Following Christ at this point is more important than winning an argument or giving someone a piece of your mind. The Bible makes this promise: “Humble yourselves before the Lord, and he will lift you up” (James 4:10). So you don’t have to worry about justifying yourself, God will take care of it. The apostle Peter wrote similar words: “All of you, clothe yourselves with humility toward one another, because, ‘God opposes the proud but gives grace to the humble.’ Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand, that he may lift you up in due time” (1 Peter 5:6).
We have to decide whether we want to be right, or we want to be well. Will we humble ourselves and allow God to be in control and lift us up in due time, or continue the world’s model of being defensive, standing up for our rights and getting even. Pride consists of feeling spiritually or morally superior to those around you. It causes people to pull away. Humility causes us to engage people out of genuine love and interest. Humility helps you to see that you would be as immoral and dysfunctional as others if it were not for what God, through his grace, has done for you. Humility means that we give up our condescension and peeves with people before we arrive at our family gatherings. We take the chip off our shoulder.
The second thing we need to do if we are going to model the life of Jesus: You have to practice forgiveness. There are long standing grudges in many families. Memories die hard and scores are still waiting to be settled. People hold onto old wounds. These hard feelings from past grievances hover over the dinner table and family room like old ghosts as families gather for the holidays. They may go unspoken, but everyone knows there are there, even though they may be unwilling to acknowledge them. They feed a seething rage that is barely beneath the surface. They color every conversation and taint every attitude toward the people in the room. Bitterness abounds, and resentment oozes from old wounds which have never healed. And you may be the one with the wound who is finding it difficult to forgive.
Let’s remember that forgiveness has nothing whatsoever to do with whether the person deserves forgiveness. By the very nature of a true offense, the person does not deserve forgiveness. The definition of grace is that it is undeserved favor. But we are people who have received forgiveness when we did not deserve it, and as we follow the example of Christ, we too forgive those who do not deserve forgiveness. The Bible says, “Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you” (Ephesians 4:31-32). We forgive because we have been graciously forgiven, and in doing so we model the love of Christ. I Corinthians 13:5 says that love “keeps no record of wrongs.”
Evidently, even the apostles themselves had these kinds of family problems. You will remember that Peter asked Jesus: “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?” Peter thought he was being magnanimous, because the leading Jewish rabbis taught that it was not necessary to forgive a repeat offender more than three times. But Jesus answered Peter by saying, “I tell you, not just seven times, but seventy times seven” (Matthew 18:21-22). Peter had probably been injured or offended in some way by his brother more than seven times and was seeking justification for not forgiving him. He was counting and keeping track. You could probably list more than seven grievances you have against your sibling easily. But Jesus, in effect, tells us that there is no end to forgiveness. There is no point at which you can say, “Oh, now I can start hating my brother because he has sinned against me 8 times or even 491 times. Now I can resent him and don’t feel obligated to forgive him.” God’s forgiveness never ends, and we are called to be like him.
We have all been hurt by others, but we have also hurt others as well. Hurts can turn into hate. The writer of Ecclesiastes gives this wise advise: “Do not pay attention to every word people say, or you may hear your servant [or family member] cursing you — for you know in your heart that many times you yourself have cursed others” (Ecclesiastes 7:21-22). Everyone gets wounded in life and everyone wounds. The Bible tells us another way: “Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. . . . Live in harmony with one another” (Romans 12:14-16).
Clara Barton, founder of the American Red Cross, was once reminded by a friend of a particularly vicious deed that someone had done to her years before, and talked about the terrible injustice of it. But Barton acted as if she had never even heard of the incident. “Don’t you remember it?” her friend asked. “No,” said Barton, “I distinctly remember forgetting it.”
The third thing that is necessary in order to model Jesus and bring healing to your family is: You have to practice being an agent of reconciliation. Here is the problem with unforgiveness and revenge: it fosters a vicious cycle that escalates the hate and perpetuates acts of vengeance. There is no end to getting even. As someone observed: “If we keep practicing ‘an eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth,’ pretty soon we will all be blind and toothless.” The devastation in the Middle East is the perfect example of this. Jesus said, “You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth.’ But I tell you, Do not resist an evil person. If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other also” (Matthew 5:38-39). This appears to be a hard saying that is impossible to live out, but the effect of it is that it stops the vicious cycle. If you hit someone who hits you, they feel they have a reason to hit you back. If you insult someone who insults you, the issue escalates and you have given them further cause to hate you. It was Jesus who gave us the principle of going the extra mile with people — even people who are openly hostile to us.
Jesus’ teaching was radical. He proposed that we become agents of reconciliation by absorbing the evil and not striking back. Paul wrote: “Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” (Romans 12:17-18). Sometimes it is possible to live at peace with someone, and sometimes it is not. There are some people who simply have no interest in getting along and make living in peace impossible. But if there is any possibility, we are called to do everything on our part to bring about reconciliation in relationships. This is not a passive role, it is an active one. We are to actively pursue peace. Paul continued by saying: “On the contrary: ‘If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.’ Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good” (Romans 12:20-21). In ancient Egypt the tradition developed of publicly shaming someone who had done something wrong. Their shame was acted out by carrying a pan of burning coals on their head. What Paul was saying was that when we refuse to retaliate it has the effect of shaming the other person and bringing remorse for the way they have acted. If we act the same way as the person who did us harm, they have no reason to be ashamed of their action, and see good reason to continue what they have been doing.
There was an excellent example of this in the recent presidential campaign. Now this is no way a political statement, but merely the example of an individual. God knows we already have plenty of need of reconciliation after the bitter election we have just gone through. Feelings and passions ran high and many thoughtless and hurtful things were said. But I want to offer here the example of Laura Bush. Unfortunately, politicians’ families are attacked as much as the politicians themselves. At different times during the campaign, untrue and insulting things were said against Laura Bush and her children. Each time I watched carefully and saw her excuse what was said and publicly give grace to the person who made the remarks. She always reacted with class and grace. She could have wounded her opponent and used what had been said to her advantage, but instead, she became an agent of reconciliation. It diffused the situation and stopped the vicious cycle. It was not her intention, but it had the effect of shaming those who spoke the careless words. Would to God both candidates would have followed her example.
There is an ancient door on display in St. Patrick’s cathedral in Dublin, Ireland. The rough hewn door has a rectangular hole hacked out in its center. It is called the “Door of Reconciliation,” and gives rise to the Irish expression of “chancing one’s arm.” In 1492, two prominent Irish families, the Ormonds and Kildares, were in the midst of a bitter feud. As the feud grew and turned into an all out fight, the Earl of Ormand was besieged by the Earl of Kildare. The Earl of Ormand and his family and followers took refuge in the chapter house of St. Patrick’s cathedral and bolted themselves in. However, as the siege wore on, the Earl of Kildare concluded the feuding was foolish. Here were two families worshiping the same God, in the same church, living in the same country, trying to kill each other. So Kildare called out to the Earl of Ormand and pledged that he would not seek revenge or indulge in villainy — he wanted the Ormands to come out and the feud to be over. But the Earl of Ormand was convinced that it was a scheme full of treachery and refused to come out of the cathedral. So Kildare grabbed his spear, chopped a hole in the door with it, and thrust his hand through. There was a tense moment until his hand was grasped by another hand inside the church. The door was opened and the two men embraced, thus ending the family feud. From Kildare’s noble gesture came the expression: “chancing one’s arm.”
Hopefully, these holidays will be marked by God’s people “chancing the arm.” There is always the chance that the hand will be cut off, but there is also the chance that it will be grasped and that an embrace will follow. May God give us courage and grace.
Rodney J. Buchanan
November 14, 2004
Mulberry St. UMC
Mount Vernon, OH
www.MulberryUMC.org
Rod.Buchanan@MulberryUMC.org
Families and Forgiveness
(Questions for November 14, 2004)
1. What are your concerns as your family gathers for the holidays?
2. What victories have you seen in your family in overcoming misunderstandings and hurts?
3. Read Luke 6:35-36. How would your life be different if you could do what Jesus is asking?
4. Read the Lord’s Prayer in Matthew 6:9-13, and then read what he emphasizes about the prayer in vv. 14-15. Is this an ideal or a requirement?
5. Read James 4:6 and then 4:10. Why is humility a necessary part of forgiveness?
6. Read Luke 18:9-14. Who was embraced by God in this parable and why?
7. Read 2 Corinthians 5:18-20. What is the ministry of reconciliation which we have been given?
8. How can we reconcile people to God if we have not sought reconciliation with them?
9. Why is it so hard to ask for forgiveness from someone?
10. How much has conflict within Christ’s church hurt its witness to the world?
