The Bible and Divorce
Matthew 5:31-32
October 24, 2004
Introduction
Today is the second message in our series called, "Topics Every Pastor Just LOVES to Talk About."
Last week we started that series by discussing lust and adultery.
We focused on the fact that just as murder begins in the heart and that a murder committed in the heart is as bad as the physical taking of a human life, so wanting someone other than your spouse is as bad as actually committing adultery, because you are lusting after that person in your heart.
Today we look at one of the possible consequences of this lust and adultery, divorce.
Now obviously, this is not the result in every case, and there is no law that if adultery occurs, you should divorce. And just as obvious is the fact that many marriages break for reasons other than adultery.
Let me lay out a HUGE disclaimer here: I will not be discussing all the different aspects of divorce, and will hardly touch at all on the issue of re-marriage. I am still working through my personal theology on re-marriage after divorce. So don’t hold your breath hoping that I’ve got all the answers for you. I don’t.
My aim today is to just give you an idea of how Jesus views divorce, and some of its impacts on who we are and how we live in the world today.
I hope that you will be able to take what I say today and apply it, and hopefully, this will serve as PREVENTATIVE medicine rather than having to be CORRECTIVE medicine.
I also want to be able to speak grace and healing to any who have gone through it.
Let’s read these words of Jesus, from Matthew 5:31-32. Please follow along as I read.
"It has been said, `Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a certificate of divorce.’ 32 But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery."
Let’s explore four questions that came to my mind as I worked through this passage:
The first is this:
Why does Jesus discourage divorce?
* Because marriage is an image of Christ’s love for the church.
One of the lies being perpetrated by our society today is that marriage is no different than living together, except for a slip of paper.
That’s just not true! A marriage is not a contract; it’s a covenant. What’s the difference?
Well, let me just put it this way. When you sign a contract to buy a house, would you die for that house? No.
But Jesus says that He died for the church. He laid His life down, and the book of Ephesians tells us that Jesus labors to present us as stainless and pure before the Father.
Divorce hurts the image of the church, especially when professing believers in Jesus do it.
And divorce hurts Jesus,...
* Because it hurts those He loves.
I think that the chances of a pain-free divorce are so slim as to be virtually non-existent.
You might hate each other’s guts, and the divorce process might go smoothly in some cases, but the fact is that a marriage has been destroyed, and lives have been impacted negatively.
Who really wins in a divorce? No one. Yeah, you might get the house or the pets, or even custody of the children.
But did you really win? I don’t think so. There is still hurt, there is still pain, there is still shame in not being able to work it out.
I just don’t see how anybody could win in a divorce situation.
Even if the divorce was the result of a dangerous living situation, there is pain involved, and no one really wins.
Folks, Jesus doesn’t want divorce. The religious leaders of Jesus’ day made it very easy, and so does our society today.
But Jesus discourages divorce. Let’s look at the next question,...
When is divorce permissible?
1. Unfaithfulness.
Jesus just talked about adultery. It is one of the Ten Commandments, and Jesus makes it plain that it is still a sin.
It is a sin not only against God, but against your spouse. And it is serious enough for God to allow a divorce if necessary.
Second, divorce is allowable for an...
2. Unbelieving spouse.
1 Corinthians 7:15 -
But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace.
The gist here is that if you were both unbelievers, neither of you were followers of Christ when you were married - and if one of you becomes a follower of Jesus and the other decides to leave because of that, you are free.
But you also need to grasp something here. No matter what the issue, divorce is not the FIRST option, it is the LAST. Reconciliation should always be sought before proceeding with a divorce.
This means offering forgiveness, and working through the pain, hurt, and disappointment. And it usually means seeking outside help through the church or a professional marriage counselor.
Let me give you a few unacceptable reasons for divorce:
"We don’t love each other anymore." Guess what, folks? That’s not good enough. If the only reason you got married was because of an emotional buzz you got from being around each other, you got married for the wrong reason. But that does not give you the right to make another wrong by divorcing.
"The spice has gone out of our marriage." That one doesn’t cut it either! There is more to marriage than love, and there is more to marriage than the physical "spice," as wonderful as that is.
Here’s a third unacceptable reason: "I’m just not happy anymore, and God wants me to be happy."
Let me just clue you in on something. That is one of the most selfish attitudes in the world. Yes, God wants us to live a full and abundant life. But not at the expense of abandoning a covenant and hurting those who love you.
What about such things as abuse or abandonment?
I am of the opinion, and I think that while Scripture does not give chapter and verse, I think it is safe to say that God does not expect anyone to stay in a situation that brings endangerment to those involved.
In fact, let me go farther by saying abuse is illegal, and we are to obey the laws of the country. Abuse needs to be reported, folks.
You may or may not know that this is Domestic Abuse Prevention Month - I may have the exact name wrong, but you get the idea.
If you are the victim of abuse, or know a victim, please get help. You may be saving a life.
You might have noticed that I did not just say husbands abusing wives. Because you would be surprised at how often it’s the other way around.
Here’s the bottom line: if you are in a dangerous situation, GET OUT. Questions about divorce are secondary to your safety. Just get out.
Here’s the third question we will look at today:
Who is affected by divorce?
Just a quick survey. How many here have either been through a divorce, whose parents divorced, had a family member who was divorced, or had a friend who is divorced? Almost everyone in here has been affected in some way by divorce.
But I want to focus on what I think are the three main persons affected by divorce.
* The spouses.
Wow, Pastor Brian, you have an inexplicable gift for stating the obvious!
Duh! Divorce is all ABOUT the spouse!
I know. But what I’m stressing here is that you have to understand that you are not the center of the universe.
Marriage is not all about you, and neither is divorce. Don’t think the other person will come out without wounds and scars.
And with all the fighting regarding custody, property, alimony, child support, and all that stuff, the damage that can be done to the former spouse is tremendous.
Divorce also affects...
* The in-laws.
Why in the world would I bother mentioning the in-laws? Some of you might be thinking that your in-laws are the BEST reason to get a divorce!
But you know what? Oftentimes, the spouses have a good relationship with the in-laws and they are now being torn between their love for their child and the son or daughter-in-law.
It’s hard, especially if there are grandchildren. And this brings up the third group of people affected by divorce, and that is...
* The children.
I have never been divorced, but my parents divorced when I was about 12. This is where I live, and it hurts even to this day.
Remember how I said that there is no real winner in a divorce? Children are the ones generally hit hardest in a divorce.
They are constantly wondering if they were the cause of the divorce, either directly or indirectly. Even if they are told they are not the cause. There’ll always be a question in the back of their mind.
You can’t imagine the agony children go through when they’re constantly wondering if Daddy left because he doesn’t love them anymore. Or if Mommy’s going to remember them now that she’s gone.
Children, especially young ones, are not equipped emotionally to handle their parents splitting. The "grown-ups" can at least process the emotions, and make rational decisions, even during the hurt and stress.
And let me give you a quick hint here: the worst thing you can do is to vilify your former spouse. Your spouse may have been a no-good so and so. But it’s been my experience that the former spouse is not always as bad as reported.
Add to that the fact that you have no business trying to steal that child’s love for the parent.
Some people say, "Well, should we just stay married for the sake of the children?" I say unless it is a dangerous situation involving abuse or something, then yes.
"Easy for you to say! You’ve never been there." I’m fully aware of that. But even if you have a Biblical basis for divorce, I suggest you keep plugging along.
Remember, you’re not the only one involved. You have to consider others before yourself.
I want to shift gears for the rest of the message, and focus now on the aftermath of divorce.
I’m divorced - now what?
What about those who have already experienced the trauma, heartache, and hassles of divorce?
Allow me to offer just five things quickly. I think you’ll find these helpful if this is you.
If you are divorced, the first thing you need to do is to...
1. Seek forgiveness from God.
Confess to God your part in the split. It may be that you were the one left behind, and I want to be sensitive to that. But chances are that you contributed something to the atmosphere.
What’s the point? Two things: first, sometimes people never face the fact that they had something to do with the break-up. And they need to see this so they can confess it to God.
Second, confession brings healing to the soul. Acknowledging your part is an act of submission to God, and God loves healing broken lives.
Ask God for forgiveness, for your own sake. The second thing to do is...
2. If you are re-married, stay that way.
A few years in Brookings, a Christian musician came to give a concert. During the concert he shared how he had recently re-married after a divorce from a few years before.
He didn’t say what caused the divorce, but he was obviously thrilled that he had found someone to share his life.
Following the concert, two young men came up to this guy and proceeded to "let the Spirit speak" as they read a bunch of Scriptures to him about divorce and re-marriage.
It took all I had within me to not just beat the snot out of these guys. In all Christian love and compassion, of course.
And to my shame, I did nothing to intervene. I let this guy take the bullets.
Listen. If you are re-married, you need to stay that way. I might be wrong about this, but I’m not sure God would want you to break your current vows to your current spouse.
If you have been forgiven by God, then live in the situation you are in, and do so in peace.
Next...
3. If you are still single, stay that way.
At least for the time being. Pray about what God would have you do next. Take your time about getting re-married. Second and third marriages fail at a much greater rate than first marriages.
And you need to sort out some things, such as why you married the first time and the expectations you brought with you, so that you can realistically examine yourself if another opportunity presents itself.
Use this time to focus on re-establishing and strengthening your relationship with God. Believe me, He wants to heal your spirit, and bring you to wholeness in Him.
He understands the pain of someone you love deserting you. It happened to Him, too.
Fourth...
4. Try to repair damaged relationships.
Boy, is this ever tough. But it’s necessary. I’m not saying kiss and make-up with your former spouse, but I just read the other day about a couple who did just that, and they were re-married to each other. It happens more often than you think!
As I mentioned before, divorce affects more than just the couple getting divorced.
You should try to seek out people who have been hurt by your divorce, whether or not you are the "offender." How you should do this is up to you to figure out, but generally approaching them and saying something like, "I know this has been hard on you, and I’m very sorry for that, and for anything I’ve done to make it worse. Will you please forgive me? I’d like us to re-establish our relationship, as much as is possible now."
Parents, you really need to do this with your children. They need to hear from you that they are not the reason for the split. They need to hear that you love them, even if you are not with them. They need to know you won’t forget them, even if you move across the country. They need to know that you will be contacting them for their birthdays and Christmas, and going to activities when you can.
Re-establishing relationships is so important. Please don’t neglect this. Not only is it healing to the others involved, it is healing for you.
5. Seek healing from God and the family of God.
When you have confessed your part of the problem to God, healing can begin.
Start coming to a church where people will love you regardless of your marital state. Allow yourself to worship God around other believers.
Join a divorce recovery group at a good church. First United Methodist has these, and the pastor tells me that wonderful things are happening, and healing is taking place.
When you are in the company of others who have been there, done that, and yet have found healing in God, you find that it is also available for you.
Conclusion
Look. Divorce hurts. It’s never easy.
And I want to let you know that in all of my comments today, my intention is not to condemn or add to the hurt that some of you have already experienced.
I want to speak love and grace to you. I also don’t want to speak "convenience" if you’re looking to divorce.
Ask God to apply His healing hand to your spirit, helping you to get through the pain of your loss, helping you forgive those who need forgiving, and to put people in your path that can come alongside you as move forward from here.
And for the rest of us, let me just say this: do all you can to prevent this from happening in your family.
It is a tragedy that you have no clue as to how devastating it is until you’ve been through it, either as a spouse, or as a child.
If you and your spouse are struggling right now, get help. Please. Either through me or through a Christian marriage counselor.
But do it. Don’t let it go another step without you doing all you can to hold it together by the grace of God.
God loves marriage. It breaks His heart when marriages dissolve. He wants to help you.
Let Him do it.
Let’s pray.
