"Give me the avowed, the erect, the manly foe;
Bold I can meet, perhaps return his blow;
But of all the plagues, good heaven, thy wrath can send;
Save, oh save me from the candid friend!"
This poem speaks about an aspect of friendship which most of us would probably rather do without, but which each of us need - honesty!
This is the subject of our text for today:
"Wounds from a friend can be trusted,
but an enemy multiplies kisses." - Proverbs 27:6 (NIV)
We are told here that only an enemy will ignore issues we may need to face. A true friend, on the other hand, will confront us with truth we need to hear. He will be honest with us because he wants to help us. He is willing to "stir us up."
Let’s take a few moments to think about this aspect of true friendship.
1. A true friend is honest - "Wounds from a friend"
A true friend is willing, if need be, to confront you with the sometimes "painful truth." he is willing to tell you what you need to hear in order to help you.
But having said this, I think it is important to understand HOW a true friend confronts you with truth you need to hear.
A true friend shares his honesty out of a spirit of concern, not a spirit of criticism!
He seeks to follow Paul’s admonition in Ephesians 4:15, to ‘speak the truth in love." Therefore, he will combine truth with tenderness.
You see, truthfulness without tenderness is to be calloused.
Tenderness without truthfulness is to be cowardly.
But truthfulness with tenderness is to be Christian!
One of the most Christ like things we can do is to tenderly confront our friends with truth they need to hear in order to help them. 84 times the Gospels record Jesus saying "I tell you the truth." Jesus didn’t hesitate to speak the truth and neither should we if we are a true friend.
But in seeking to share a helpful truth with a friend, we must be tender. It is good to apply the "Golden Rule" when it comes to our relationship with others.
Here is a simple, rule-of-thumb guide for behavior: Ask yourself what you want people to do for you, then grab the initiative and do it for them.
- Matthew 7:12 (The Message)
I need to ask, "How do I want to be treated?" and apply those insights to how I should go about confronting a friend with helpful truth. I am sure there are at least five ways in which we all could agree we want to be treated. As we reflect on these five ways we all want to be treated, let’s apply them to this business of tenderly confronting our friends with helpful truth. We all want others to . . .
A. Appreciate us.
"The deepest principle in human nature is the craving to be
appreciated." - William James
When you seek to confront a friend with a helpful truth, express appreciation for him.
B. Listen to us.
When confronting a friend with helpful truth, be willing to listen to him. There’s a difference between listening and hearing. Listening is wanting to hear! Let you friend know you want to hear his thoughts and feelings.
C. Understand us.
We need to listen to our friend as we tell him what we believe he needs to hear in order to understand his perspective. To not demonstrate a desire to understand another is to communicate unconcern for him.
"You must seek to understand before you seek to be understood."
- Steven Covey - The Seven Habits Of Highly Effective People
D. Forgive us.
If that which you are led to confront your friend about has to do with a personal offense, you do not do it until you can do so forgivingly!
A person will more easily deal with his mistakes if he knows he has forgiveness for them already.
Earnest Hemingway, in his short story, "The Capital Of The World," tells the story about a father and his teenage son who lived in Spain. Their relationship became strained, eventually shattered, and the son ran away from home. The father began the long journey in search of his lost and rebellious son, finally putting an ad in the Madrid newspaper as a last resort. His son’s name was Paco, a very common name in Spain. The ad simply read: "Dear Paco, meet me in front of the Madrid newspaper office tomorrow at noon. All is forgiven. I love you." As Hemingway writes, the next day at noon in front of the newspaper office there were 800 "Pacos" all seeking forgiveness.
All of us want to be forgiven. Remember that when you confront a friend with a truth they need to hear.
E. Encourage us.
David Smith, author of The Friendless American Male, writes about Queen Victoria’s impressions of her two most famous prime ministers. Of William Gladstone she said, "When I am with him, I feel I am with one of the most important leaders in the world." On the other hand, she confessed that when she was with Benjamin Disraeli, he made her feel, "as if I am one of the most important leaders in the world." Gladstone provoked her admiration, while she considered Disraeli her true friend.
Always seek to help your friend think good of themselves!
Remember: God did not bring you into this relationship
to see through one another, but to see one another through!
Which brings us to the reason why a true friend is honest with those God has brought into his life.
2. A true friend is helpful - "Wounds from a friend can be trusted"
In being honest with others, a true friend will want to help them in one of three ways. He will want to help his friends . . .
A. Receive the best - A personal & growing relationship with God.
How do we do this? By pointing them to the WAY of God.
" ‘I am the way, the truth, and the life!’ Jesus answered. ‘Without me, no one can go to the Father.’ " - John 14:6 (CEV)
Would a person be a true friend if they knew the cure for a deadly disease, yet didn’t tell someone they knew? Of course not?
Likewise, you and I who personally know the One who said He alone is "the Way and Truth and the Life" have an obligation to point others to Him and encourage them to enter into a personal and growing relationship with God.
B. Believe the best - A perspective on life only God can give.
A true friend will urge those God has brought into his life to believe the WORD of God! The Word, which tells me who I am in Christ!
A young man was kidnapped from his home in Africa and taken to America on a slave ship. After months of experiencing rotten food, disease, the stench of human waste, and seeing the death of many around him, the young man was placed on a platform to be sold. He stood proudly with is chest out, shoulders back, chin up, and eyes looking straight ahead. The crowd stirred as they quickly noticed that this man was different from the rest. But why? The slave trader explained it when he said, "This boy is the son of a king in Africa and he cannot forget it."
A true friend points others to the truth of God’s Word so that they might never forget that through Christ, they are a child of the King!
C. Achieve their best - Potential which God alone can help us achieve.
A true friend will urge those God has brought into his life to do the WILL of God. How? Point them to Christ!
Three boys were challenged to a race in the snow. Instead of the winner being the one who arrived at the finish the fastest, their father said the winner would be the one who arrived at the finish with the straightest line.
The first boy looked at his feet to see if his steps were straight. The second boy looked at his brothers to see what they were doing. The third boy, kept his eyes on his father at the finish line. It was the third boy who won the race.
"let us run with endurance the race that God has set before us. We do this by keeping our eyes on Jesus" - Hebrews 12:1-2 (NLT)
Conclusion:
"A true friend is one who lifts you nearer to God."
Are you being a true friend to those God has brought into your life?
