The Art of Reconciliation
Matthew 5:21-26
October 12, 2004
Introduction
We are knee-deep in the Sermon on the Mount as we work our way through the gospel according to Matthew.
The section we look at today begins a number of individual teachings that Jesus gives regarding a number of different issues.
And it’s in these teachings that Jesus gets to the heart of a lot of things people either took for granted or just plain misunderstood.
And it’s one of these misunderstandings that Jesus addresses here in verses 21-26 of Matthew chapter 5.
Jesus talks here about murder and fractured relationships, and how they are connected. You may not have thought they were connected, but stay with me and I think you’ll catch it okay?
Let’s start off by reading verses 21-22, which are printed in your bulletin, as we look at the fact that…
Murder starts in the heart.
"You have heard that it was said to the people long ago, `Do not murder, and anyone who murders will be subject to judgment.’ 22 But I tell you that anyone who is angry with his brother will be subject to judgment. Again, anyone who says to his brother, `Raca, ’ is answerable to the Sanhedrin. But anyone who says, `You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell.
Jesus’ words, “You have heard it was said…” is not a criticism of the OT, but of their understanding and the traditional teachings of these things.
Another way to say it would be, “You have understood.”
Jesus was addressing the brand of teaching that said as long as you didn’t actually do the deed, in this case, killing someone, then you were okay.
Be as angry as you wanted to be, just don’t kill them. But Jesus says it goes much deeper than that.
Murder starts in the heart, just as every sin does. Later, Jesus talks about another sin that starts in the heart, adultery.
The point here is that murder is not necessarily the physical action that brings judgment, but the underlying attitudes and desires.
Jesus is saying that if when you look at a person and your heart causes you to look with insult and malice toward them, as the terms, “raca” and “fool” denote, then you are really no better than a murderer.
Maybe you’re more like Clarence Darrow, probably the most famous criminal lawyer of his generation. He once said, “I have not killed anyone, but I frequently get satisfaction out of obituary notices.” (Sermoncentral.com – Contributed by Matthew Rogers)
How’s that for a loving attitude? If this is you, then you need to ask God to take that away from you!
Folks, harboring malice toward someone is just wrong, and Jesus says that when we do, we are as bad as the person who physically takes the life of another person. Don’t take this lightly, folks. Jesus doesn’t.
So what do you do if you have had that kind of anger toward someone and the thoughts that Jesus describes as being as bad as murder?
First, you ask for the forgiveness of God, then you move on to what I want us to look at the rest of our time today, and that is to reconcile with that someone.
Starting in verse 23, we see these words:
23 "Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, 24 leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift.
25 "Settle matters quickly with your adversary who is taking you to court. Do it while you are still with him on the way, or he may hand you over to the judge, and the judge may hand you over to the officer, and you may be thrown into prison. 26 I tell you the truth, you will not get out until you have paid the last penny.
Someone once said that when you come across the word, “therefore” in the Bible, look back and see what it’s “there for.”
In this case, Jesus says that an angry and murderous attitude toward someone is bad. Therefore, do something to repair that relationship before it gets to that point. Put down your offering and go make it right.
Jesus seems to think that it’s to our benefit if we get things right between us and someone we have a conflict with.
Reconciliation is one of the great themes of the Bible. God reconciled us to Himself through Jesus, and we are to be reconciled to others because of our love for Christ.
So if you call yourself a follower of Jesus, it’s important that you model the forgiveness and reconciliation He offered us. How do we do that? Let’s look at…
5 Principles for reconciliation:
These are just five things that I have seen work in bringing people back together in right relationship. Here’s the first one:
1. Take the initiative.
Listen up real close here. This is very important: it’s always your turn to work to heal a relationship.
If you know someone has something against you, do something about it.
Jesus says in verse 24 that we are to forget about our worship even, if we know someone has something against us.
This is hard because it means we have to swallow our pride. It means we may have to admit to ourselves and the other person that we blew it.
Jesus says that we aren’t to wait, we are to get it done. And don’t wait for the other person to make the first move. It may never happen.
2. Ask for clarification of the issue.
That’s just common sense, isn’t it? Make sure that you are on the same page regarding whatever it is you are at odds about. Make sure you both understand the conflict.
You might find out that there is nothing, and that you were worried about something that didn’t exist. But at least you’ll know!
O you might just find out that what you thought the person was upset about was not the issue at all, but something entirely different.
And it’s during this time that you might just find out that you had offended or hurt someone in a way you didn’t even know about.
You also might find out that you were simply misunderstood in some way, and are not at fault for anything in particular. This is the opportunity to clear that up.
And sometimes you will find that you were not wrong about anything. You were right Biblically, you did all you could Biblically to make the right decision, and you are totally in the right.
But you still need to bring this to light and get it out. Not in a stubborn, stiff-necked, “I’m right, you’re wrong, get over it,” type of manner, because that’s not right either.
But you plead your case from a Scriptural viewpoint, hoping they will see it clearer.
In any case, as you approach the person, go with the idea of finding out just what it is that has come between you. Get clarification.
The third principle in building reconciliation is to…
3. Ask for forgiveness.
As hard as it is to admit we might be at fault about something, it’s even harder to ask for forgiveness at times.
But we can’t just assume someone has forgiven us. We need to ask for it. We need to say the words, “Will you forgive me,” or “I need your forgiveness.”
It’s not the words that are so important; it’s the fact that you are willing to verbalize your need for that person’s forgiveness.
Easy? In some cases, but usually not. Jesus didn’t say it would be easy. He said we need to do it. Ask for forgiveness.
Let’s move on to the fourth principle for reconciling with others, and that is to…
4. Resolve to not repeat the offense.
Don’t just hope to get the slate wiped clean so you can dirty it up again.
That’s not a Christ-like mindset at all, and tells me that maybe you really had not repented of that thing.
Now that you recognize what you’ve done, you need to change your behavior and attitudes about that offensive thing.
You can’t just say, “Well, that’s just the way I am.” Folks, let me tell you something in all love: that’s not good enough. God gives us a particular temperament, but He never gives us an excuse to hurt others with our personality.
If you really believe in the life-changing power of Jesus, then you will allow Him to do His work in you so that you will more conformed to His image, rather than hanging on to something you know has hurt someone.
Jesus expects repentance.
Remember last week’s message? Jesus expects obedience to Him. When you know you have hurt someone by a harmful action, and you don’t take action to stop it from happening again, you are being disobedient to Christ.
Allow Christ to do His work in you, so that you will not be so likely to repeat that thing that hurt someone.
And here’s the last principle we will look at regarding reconciliation, and that is..
5. If you are the “offendee,” FORGIVE!
News flash! Reconciliation is not a one-way street! It takes both of you to bring full healing to the relationship.
When someone comes to you seeking forgiveness, then give it! That’s not hard to understand, is it? They’ve made the effort on their part, now it’s time for you to offer your forgiveness in a way that they understand and can accept it.
Let’s practice something real quick. Repeat after me: “Will you forgive me?” Good. Now, “I forgive you.” Very good.
Notice I didn’t say, “I forgive you. Just don’t let it happen again.” That implies that your forgiveness won’t be available next time.
How many times did Jesus say we are to forgive someone who hurts us? Seventy times seven. And Jesus isn’t saying 490 times. If you count how many times you’re forgiving someone, then you haven’t really forgiven the first time.
You’d better be REAL glad that the Father doesn’t operate that way, or we’d all be in a heap of hurt.
Forgive.
And by the way, don’t wait for the other person to take the initiative.
Some people have the attitude that, “Well, once that dirty, low-down skunk comes crawling to me to ask for forgiveness, I’ll consider it.”
Well, I hate to burst your bubble here, but you’ll never find that kind of attitude in Scripture. We offer forgiveness freely.
Folks, you’ve got to understand that some people don’t even know they’ve offended you. They’re totally unaware. Not because they’re stupid or anything, they just didn’t realize they had hurt you.
“Well, they should know better.” Maybe, but they don’t. So are you going to hold their ignorance against them and withhold forgiveness, and damage your own relationship with God?
There have been times when I had no idea I had hurt someone, so I just went on my happy-go-lucky way. I didn’t hurt them intentionally, and when I found out, I asked for their forgiveness. But someone had to tell me, and it wasn’t always the person I had offended.
I have also been in situations where I have had to extend forgiveness to people who to this day have no idea that something they did or said hurt me.
But I’m free, because I don’t hold a grudge.
And this brings me to something that most folks don’t seem to understand real well.
People say we are to forgive and forget. Well, that’s not always possible. Some people, including myself, have been hurt in ways that make it impossible for us to just forget it.
It’s not “forgive and forget,” it’s “forgive and choose to not bring it up again.”
Look at Proverbs 17:9, printed in your bulletin.
He who covers over an offense promotes love, but whoever repeats the matter separates close friends.
Holding a grudge does absolutely no good for anybody. You need to let it go. That may take some real time, because some of you have been hurt terribly, and the person who has done it has no intention of repenting and asking forgiveness.
But you can choose to not dwell on it. Quit picking the scab. Rub the ointment of intentional forgiveness into the wound and let God heal it. There will probably be a scar, but it won’t get infected with bitterness and rage.
God will give you the help you need, and over time you will feel the pain less and less. I can tell you that’s true from personal experience.
Conclusion
Folks. I’m just going to go out on a limb here and admit that I’m not perfect. DO NOT SAY “AMEN” TO THAT!!!
I’ve already mentioned that I’ve had to ask forgiveness for things I’ve done, and you can count on it happening again.
And there have been times I have had to set aside my preparations for Sundays to make sure a relationship was right, because I couldn’t bear the thought of trying to worship, lead in worship, and try to bring God’s Word if I knew I had hurt someone and hadn’t at least attempted to bring reconciliation.
But I had to at least try to repair that relation ship.
Folks, the heart of this passage isn’t murder, or even worship. The heart of this passage is relationships.
God is concerned about our relationships while on earth. He made us for relationship, with Him and with others. He made us to need other people.
Think through your relationships and see if there is someone you need to reconcile with. For the sake of the relationship between you and them, and between you and God.
Remember, even your worship is not what it should be if you have not taken the time to reconcile with someone you know has a beef with you.
Folks, the burden of broken relationships is huge, but the relief of reconciliation is even greater. And when reconciliation happens, God smiles.
God likes it when His children get along.
Let me end by relating a story I came across while I was researching for this message.
I’ve heard that when President Bush was governor of Texas he had to deal with a lot of conflict. He came into office with a legislature that was in the opposite party. Early in his term he met with the opposition leader of the legislative branch with the hopes of building a cooperative coalition for the future.
The meeting was a failure. There was no trust and no agreement. There was plenty of conflict.
At the end of the session as Bush got up to leave he suddenly reached over and grabbed the opposition boss with both hands on his neck and gave him a big kiss on the cheek.
The man was completely stunned. He got red faced and stammered "What did you do THAT for!".
Bush said, "If I can’t get your cooperation and help, I’m at least going to get a kiss!"
The opposition leader broke up laughing and that was the end of conflict and the beginning of friendship. (SermonCentral.com – Matthew Rogers)
Folks, fractured relationships hurt everyone involved, and they can even hurt those outside of the two parties in conflict.
And fractured relationships harm your relationship with God.
Is your pride worth it? I don’t think so. And neither does God.
Work it out. God has a wonderful way of healing old wounds, and binding people together even stronger than they were before.
Do something this week to bring healing to any fractured relationships in your life. Believe me, it’s worth it.
Let’s pray.
