Dealing With Difficult People
Strategies From Genesis (And Beyond) (Part 2)
I want to begin this message by giving you some common contemporary types of difficult people you may encounter.
• The Bird Dog- Four legged bird dogs’ point to where the hunter should shoot. The two-legged Bird Dog likes to point out problems in people for others.
• The Critic- Is much like the bird dog. They constantly complain, criticize, and give unwanted advice. (The Israelites)
• The Wet Blanket- Pessimistic and automatically negative. "It’s no use trying." Their motto is, "Nothing ventured, nothing lost." (Ten Spies)
• The Salesman- Just the opposite of the wet blanket, because they are enthusiastic. Always have something to sell to people in the church.
• The Steam Roller- They run over people and their feelings. They are always right no matter what the topic.
• The Fickle Financier- This person uses money to register approval or disapproval of church decisions. Sometimes he protests silently by merely withholding his offerings.
• Busybody- Gossip- They spread rumors and leak secrets, but its usually under spiritual wraps like prayer requests. They enjoy telling others how to do their jobs.
• The Sniper They avoid face-to-face conflicts, but pick off church leaders with pot shots in private conversations. "Pray for our pastor, he is having problems."
• The Bookkeeper- They keep a written record of everything the pastor and others do that isn’t in the spirit of Christ.
• The Merchant of Muck- They breed dissatisfaction by attracting others who know they are more than willing to listen to, and elaborate on, things that are wrong with the church. Absalom
• The Back stabber- They are two-faced in every way. (Psalms 109) (Balaam)
• The Cold Shoulder They use avoidance to get their message across.
• The Volcano-Is a hot-tempered person just waiting to erupt. (Proverbs)
• The Competitor Always trying to prove they are better than others. Leah & Rachel
• The Sponge- Constantly in need, but give nothing back. Dependant people. They will drain you, and ask for more.
• The People Pleaser- They are eager to please, and they avoid conflict. They agree with everything, but stand for nothing.
Now that we have seen some common types of difficult behavior in people around us in the church, the workplace, and the home, let’s look at some ways to respond to them. We will continue to look at some biblical models of correct ways to respond to difficult people.
I RECONCILIATION (Joseph) Genesis 37,39-46
In Jacob’s family it will be hard to distinguish who is the difficult person, because all of them seem to contribute difficult behavior to the family circle. You would think Jacob would have learned from his family of origin not to play favorites, but he fell into the same dysfunctional behavior his parents had. Jacob blatantly favored Joseph over all of his brothers and sisters, because he was the baby of the family. However, he was also favored because he was the son of his favorite wife. This passage teaches us that difficult people can be created by mistreatment. The New Testament verifies this by warning fathers not
to provoke their children to wrath (Ephesians 6:4). Jacob’s favoritism provoked his other sons to anger against Joseph and against himself. Joseph also contributed to the situation by proudly telling the family about his self promoting dreams in chapter thirty-seven. He told them they would all one day bow down to him, and his brothers hated him for it. The hated him enough to kill him, but one brother in a twinge of conscience suggested they sell him as
a slave. The brothers then got even with their father by telling him Joseph got killed by a wild animal. These are some very difficult people, but they are all family. If you didn’t know the end of this story, you couldn’t have guessed it would have a good ending.
Nearly fifteen years had passed and Joseph had risen to the throne of Egypt under Pharaoh. This should help us see how God may use the difficult people in our lives for our benefit. Here God used the difficult behavior of Joseph’s brothers to get him to Egypt to save the whole family from the coming famine. So don’t get so upset at the difficult people
in your life, because God may be using them to help you and they don’t even know it. Through divine providence his brothers come down to Egypt to get food when the famine struck. Joseph had already forgiven his brothers some time before they came to Egypt, and he wanted to reconcile with them. The key to all the good that happened hinged on Joseph’s
choice to forgive and seek to reconcile his relationship to his brothers.
Shortly after the turn of the century, Japan invaded, conquered, and occupied Korea. One group singled out for concentrated oppression was the Christians. When the Japanese army overpowered Korea one of the first things they did was board up evangelical churches and eject most foreign missionaries. One pastor persistently entreated his local Japanese police chief for permission to meet for services. Hisnagging was finally accommodated, and the police chief offered to unlock his church ...for one meeting. It didn’t take long for word to travel. Committed Christians starving for an opportunity for unhindered worship quickly made their plans. The Korean has always had a reputation as a singing church, and so as soon at the doors shut the singing began. It was during a stanza of "Nearer My God to Thee" that the Japanese police waiting outside gave the order to barricade the doors and set it on fire. Knowing they were going to die the pastor instructed them to sing "At the Cross." Just before the roof collapsed they sang the last verse. But drops of grief can ne’er repay the debt of love I owe; Here, Lord, I give myself away Tis all that I can do!
During the decades that followed the hatred and bitterness was passed on to each new generation of Korean children. The Japanese, although conquered, remained a hated enemy. The monument the Koreans had built at the location of the fire not only memorialized the people who died, but stood as a mute reminder of their pain. It wasn’t until 1972 that any hope came. A group of Japanese pastors traveling through Korea came upon the memorial. When they read the details they were filled with shame, and felt their national guilt could not be excused. They returned to Japan committed to righting the wrong. The raised 10 million yen ($25,000), and a beautiful white church building was erected on the site of the tragedy.
When the dedication service for the new building was held, a delegation from Japan joined the group. Although their generosity was acknowledged and their attempts at making peace appreciated, the memories were still there. Hatred preserves pain. The speeches were made, the details of the tragedy recalled, and the names of the dead honored. They decided to close the service with the same two songs sung the day the church was burned. As the song leader began the words to "Nearer My God to Thee" something remarkable happened. The memories of the past mixed with the truth of the song, and resistance started to melt. As the song leader closed the service with the hymn "At the Cross" the normally stoic Japanese could not contain themselves. Tears filled their eyes, and they began to turn to their Korean spiritual relatives and begged them to forgive. They clung to each other and wept. Japanese tears of repentance and Korean tears of forgiveness intermingled to bathe the site of an old nightmare.
Joseph, like the Koreans, had forgiven his brothers, but he wasn’t ready to trust them yet. Therefore, he devised a plan to test them. Dr. Richard Dobbins says that too often we get hurt (by difficult people), because we fail to test a relationship before we test it. For example, a young lady on a first date may tell her life’s story, but her date may not share anything about himself. She has set herself up to be hurt, because he knows much more about her than she does about him. We should never reveal more about ourselves to another person then they reveal to us about themselves. Jacob tested his brothers by asking them about the family to see if they would mention him, and they did say he was no more (Genesis 42:8-13). He put their money back in their sacks to see if they would be honest (42:25). He kept Simeon in prison while they were gone to see if they would abandon him or not (42:24). The ultimate test was when he set up his full brother Benjamin by putting his personal silver cup in his sack (44:2). Joseph ordered Benjamin to be his servant to see if the brothers would leave him in Egypt and return home if he allowed them to do so (44:17). Judah offers to be a slave in Benjamin’s place so he could return to his father, and the brothers refuse to return home without their younger brother (44:26). Therefore, because the brothers proved they had changed Joseph revealed himself to them (Genesis 45). We also should test a relationship before we trust it, and this will reduce the possibility of difficult people hurting us.
Joseph forgave the difficult behavior and forgave as his father Jacob had done with Esau, but Joseph went a step further. He invited them back into relationship with him (45:18). It was not enough to reconcile with his estranged brothers, Joseph also wanted to restore the relationship. If this is possible and desirable, it is the highest possible response to past hurt. We would be wise not to restore the relationship too quickly, or we may be hurt again. Let’s learn from Joseph how to restore a relationship while reducing the risk of being hurt again. There are three questions our Professor Ingrid Buch Wagler told us to ask when we are faced with a difficult person.
• 1. Am I reaping something I have sown?
• 2. Is God using the situation to do a deeper work in me?
• 3. Is this an attack of the Enemy?
In Joseph’s life he would have to answer yes to all three. He was reaping what he sowed, and so was his father. God was using the situation not only to do a deeper work in him, but to provide food for the family during the drought. I also believe Satan was trying to destroy Joseph through every difficult person he faced. Use these questions the next time difficult person enters your life.
11 TAKING IT TO GOD IN PRAYER (MOSES)
There was probably not a man who had to endure more difficult people than Moses. For more than forty years he had to endure murmuring, complaining, and occasionally people wanting to kill him. The one thing which stands out was the way Moses responded to the difficult behavior time after time. The often repeated phrase is, "he fell on his face before the Lord." When the water was bitter at Marah, and the people complained Moses cried out to the Lord (Exodus 15:24-25). In Exodus chapter seventeen the water ran out, and the people complained they were going to die of thirst and it was Moses fault. Therefore, in verse four it says, "So Moses cried out to the Lord saying . . . " In one passage after another you will see Moses taking the difficult behavior of the people to God in prayer. The natural response to difficult behavior is to react or doing something quickly in response. More often than not the response is lacking anything positive nor godly. We should learn from the example of Moses to go to God in prayer first, and then respond as God instructs us to do. Often in the scriptural accounts it does record Moses prayer for help, but it usually records what God tells him to do (Exodus 14:15-16;1b:4; Numbers 1b:4). God never failed to give him a proper response to difficult people when he brought it to Him in prayer. The only time Moses really responded wrong to difficult people was in Numbers chapter twenty and verse eleven. He prayed and got God’s response to complainants about the water shortage, but he didn’t do exactly as God told him to do. God told him only to speak to the rock this time, but Moses struck it just like the last time (Numbers 20:11). Let us learn from the failure of Moses.
III CONFRONTING THE DIFFICULT PERSON (DAVID & SAUL)
1 SAMUEL 24:9-16
We all know the story how the boy David killed the giant Goliath, but the rest of the story is not quite so well known. David did not end his military career after the Goliath incident, but in fact it was the beginning of a long and celebrated career. This did not make everyone happy, the least of which was King Saul. He grew very jealous of David, because the women were praising David more than him (1 Samuel 18:7-9). On two occasions he tried to kill David by pinning him to the wall with a spear while he was playing his harp for him (1 Samuel 18:10-11). David had to be very wary of Saul from this point on. After being on the run from Saul for some months David had a chance to kill him, but he did not do it (1 Samuel 24). However, he did use the occasion to confront Saul with his sin (1 Samuel 24:8). He told Saul from a hillside far away, that it was unjust for Saul to hunt him like a criminal, because he had not rebelled or sinned against him. Saul responds to David’s confrontation with a tearful confession that David was right, and he would no longer seek his life (V. 1622). David responded as Jesus later instructed us to do in Matthew 18: 15ff. by confronting the difficult person with his sin against us. The purpose of confrontation, according to Jesus, is peace reconciliation, and not just a venting of hostilities. David did not do exactly as Jesus instructed, because he couldn’t even if he had known what Jesus said. Jesus said we are to confront the difficult person in private before we do anything else. If they do not listen, we may then take a witness with us. However, if they still do not listen, and it’s an important enough issue, we may take it to the whole church. The purpose of confronting is to enable the person to see their sin, and repent.
On Monday, February 6, 1995, according to the Chicago Tribune, a Detroit bus driver finished his shift on the Route 21 bus and headed for the terminal. But somehow he took a wrong turn. He didn’t arrive at the terminal at the scheduled time of 7:19 p.m., and a short time later his supervisors started looking for him. Meanwhile the driver’s wife called the terminal and reported her husband might be disoriented from medication he was taking. For six hours, the forty-foot city bus and its driver could not be found. Finally the state police found the bus and driver--two hundred miles northwest of Detroit. The bus was motoring slowly down a rural two lane road, weaving slightly from side to side. The police pulled the bus over, and the driver said he was lost. A police new release later stated, "The driver had no idea where he was and agreed he had made a wrong turn somewhere. Apparently this had not occurred to him during the four hours he drove without finding the bus depot." Unless we confront those who have taken a wrong turn in life, they may never regain their orientation.
On the other hand, I believe Jesus intended it to be a deterrent from gossip, and bringing up petty things by the offended person. Confronting the difficult person is one possible way God may instruct you to respond.
IV BE FIRM AND KIND IN YOUR RESPONSE (NEHEMIAH)
Nehemiah was given a desire by God to go back to Jerusalem to rebuild the wall around the city. He quickly discovered that there were some people who didn’t want the wall to be rebuilt, and so they attempted to stop him. Sanballat and Tobiah publicly mocked and made fun of Nehemiah to discourage him (Nehemiah 4:I-3). Nehemiah ignored them, breathed a prayer and continued building the wall (V. 4-6). There are times when we need to simply ignore difficult people and keep on doing what God told us to do.
Around 1988 Ohio State University hired John Cooper as their new football coach. However, the fans wanted Cooper gone after his first season resulted in a record of 4-6-1. The criticism continued when the Buckeyes got a 42-3 whupping by USC in 1989. The wanted him fired after every (choose a year) late-season skid against Michigan and a "consolation" bowl opponent. However, like Nehemiah coach Cooper just ignored his critics, and kept building the program he had been called to Columbus to build. Now that he has won 43 games in the last four years, and finished No.2 in the country in two of the last three years he can smile. His 31-16 thumping of Michigan last season silenced his "you can’t beat Michigan" critics, but a loss to Michigan State kept them from being eliminated. Coach Cooper would not have been able to accomplish this feat if he had not ignored his critics and kept on working. Since the last tactic didn’t work, his difficult people gathered allies and planned an attack to confuse them (V. 7-12). Nehemiah and his builders prepared for an attack, and since they were prepared they were not attacked (V. 15). Later, when the wall was completed but the gates had not yet been hung, Sanballat sent him a message to meet with him. Nehemiah knew they intended to harm him, so he sent a kind but firm response. "I am doing a great work, so that I cannot come down. Why should the work cease while I leave it and go down to you?" (6:3) Although they repeatedly ask him to come meet with them, Nehemiah continued to respond in a firm but a kind manner. When responding to repeated requests by difficult people, it is important to be firm and not give in to their whims. However, it is also important to be as kind as we can possibly be. This what the New Testament calls "speaking the truth in love" (Ephesians 4:15). If Samson had remained firm in his refusal to tell Delilah the secret of his strength, he would not have spent the rest of his life in prison (Judges 16). However, it is often just as hard to speak the truth kindly to difficult people. It is very important to keep this balance when dealing with difficult people.
All the difficult people Nehemiah had to deal with were not outside the walls of Jerusalem. In the fifth chapter Nehemiah had to deal with some difficult people within the community of Israel. The rich were oppressing the poor, and the poor cried out to Nehemiah the governor. It was within the context of their community as the people of God that Nehemiah addressed the offenders (V. 8). He reminded them that as the people of God they should treat their brethren better than outsiders. The offenders agreed to restore to the poor what they had obtained, because Nehemiah appealed to their sense of community. Many people think the church is, or should, full of great holy and mature people. However, when they look closely, they are appalled at all the difficult people in the church. I believe God designed the church to help difficult people grow up to maturity in Christ. Where else is God going to recycle his garbage into beautiful things? We are born totally selfish, but designed relationships to curb this tendency in us. He begins with our relationship to our parents to teach us to submit to authority. Our siblings are given to teach is that sharing is essential to experience good relationships with others. As I said before God ordained marriage partly, I believe, to curb our self-centeredness, and children to finish the job. All of these relationships are most effective if they are experience with the context of a community of faith, the church. Jesus called twelve relatively difficult men together into a community of faith and transformed them into Apostles. Throughout the Bible God calls people into communities of faith in order to hone the rough (difficult) edge off of their personalities, and make them into godly men and women. Therefore, Nehemiah’s experience was not uncommon, but was the normal, God-ordained method of dealing with difficult behavior in people.
CONCLUSION: As we close let’s recap the possible responses to difficult people we discovered tonight.
• RECONCILIATION OF THE RELATIONSHIP
• TEST a RELATIONSHIP BEFORE YOU TRUST IT
• TAKING IT TO GOD IN PRAYER, AND DOING WHAT HE TELLS US
• CONFRONTING A DIFFICULT PERSON WITH THEIR SIN
• BE FIRM AND KIND IN YOUR RESPONSE
• DIFFICULT PEOPLE ARE HELPED BEST IN A COMMUNITY OF FAITH
