Dealing With Difficult People
Strategies From Genesis
Many Christian writers and counselors will give you a specific course of action to use on each type of difficult person. I will share common types of difficult behavior in a few minutes, but I want to lay a proper foundation first. My approach to dealing with difficult behavior is to pray and ask God how to deal with it before you do anything else. I believe God will show you how to deal with the difficult person, although his answer may come indirectly through another source. In other words, His answer may come as an impression to your mind, or it may come while reading the Bible or talking to a friend about the situation. What I am trying to get you to see is there are no pat answered to every difficult situation just because the difficult behavior is the same. Moses found out that using the same method (the staff) to get water which worked the last time caused him to ignore God’s method and forfeit his place in Canaan (Exodus 17:1-6; Numbers 20:1-12). There is a danger of assuming because a certain method worked the last time that it will work again. However, if we are going to get the right method from God we need to look at some of the methods He used in the past. It may surprise you to find out how many different ways God ordained. You also need to understand the way much Old Testament teaching was done, in order to glean insights from Genesis. Often truths were taught in stories, instead of direct principles like the ten commandments. Therefore, the stories told in Genesis are not just historical accounts, nor are they nice stories to tell our children at bedtime. Instead of saying, "All things work together for good for those who love God..." (Romans 8:28), the Old Testament writer would tell the story of Joseph. So let’s look into the lives of the people of Genesis, and see what methods we can discover for dealing with difficult people in our lives.
I REMOVAL FROM THE SITUATION Genesis 21:8-21
If you remember last week’s message from the sixteenth chapter of Genesis, you will recall the conflict between Sari and Hagar. On that occasion Sari treated Hagar very badly after she had conceived, and so she ran away. At that time God told Hagar to go back and submit to Sari’s authority over her. God called Hagar and Sari to practice FORBEARANCE for fifteen to twenty years. The New Testament calls it "bearing with one another" (Ephesians 4:2). Sometimes God calls us to just put up with a difficult person. In this chapter about fifteen to twenty-five years have passed, and now Sarah wants to run Hagar off again because Ishmael was making fun of Isaac. This time God told Abraham to go ahead and send Hagar and Ishmael away forever (v 12). See it wasn’t the same response God had ordered the last time. God promised Abraham He would take care of Hagar and his son. Although Hagar was difficult and she had to be removed from the family God promised He would watch out for her, and the next few verses proved He did (v I4-20). There may be times when God encourages us to remove the difficult person from our lives, but that doesn’t mean He had given up on them. Sometimes it is for the good of all concerned. For some removal doesn’t sound very Christlike, and it certainly doesn’t sound like God would ever endorse it. However, in this case he commanded it. In 1 Corinthians chapter five the apostle Paul told the church to cast out an immoral believer out of the church. He goes on to explain that this is the best thing to do for everyone concerned. There may be situations where a child has gotten so out of control they have to be removed from the home by the parents. If a spouse is physically abusive, you may have to press charges and have them
removed from the home. If you’re an employer, you may have to remove a difficult person from the workplace by firing them or laying them off. This is teaching God sometimes may tell you to remove a person over which you have responsibility.
II FLEE FROM THE SITUATION (Genesis 27:41-46)
This passage is right in the middle of the Jacob and Esau saga. Jacob had stolen the birthright from Esau through manipulation earlier, and now though deceit he had stolen the blessing from his father Esau was supposed to get. Esau has made no secret of the fact he is going to kill Jacob just as soon as their father Isaac passes away. This is a situation where both Esau and Jacob are very difficult. It is certain Esau’s plan to kill the difficult person is not from God, and so let’s look at Jacob’s plan. It is simple, FLEE! If you are not in a position to do anything else, you may be called upon by God to flee the situation. This is often a natural response of some people, but it is not always God’s desire for them. I believe this was God’s plan for Jacob, because God met him on the first night of his travels in a dream (28:10-22). Jacob’s son Joseph would also have to use this particular method in the house of Potiphar (39:7-18). You know the story how Potiphar’s wife tried again and again to seduce Joseph, but he constantly refused her ( v. 8-9). One day she caught him in the house all alone, and she grabbed his cloak and would take no for an answer. Joseph left the cloak in her hand and ran out of the house. I believe this also was God’s way for dealing with this particular person. Joseph had tried to reason with her many times before, but this time he had to just get out of there. It is very likely that Joseph didn’t feel he could remain in the house and resist her any longer.
There may be times in your life when God tells you to leave a situation. Sometimes an abused spouse has to flee to a domestic abuse shelter in order to escape the wrath of her husband. Although the Bible does not specifically address physical abuse as grounds for divorce; I believe God sometimes tells victims to flee for their lives.
A young lady in a church I pastored endured four years of physical abuse before she left in fear for her life. He had threatened to kill her, and she went from to North Carolina, where her parents lived, to escape him. The reason she stayed so long was because she knew how much her father hated divorce. However, her father and the entire family believe it was God’s will to leave him. She is now remarried, and has three beautiful children. There are times when you may have to leave a job as Joseph did to avoid a difficult person.
III RECONCILE. BUT DON’T REESTABLISH THE RELATIONSHIP Genesis 32-33
Although Jacob fled the situation to save his life he could not avoid his brother forever. He wanted to come home after being gone for twenty-one years. In Genesis chapter 32 and verse three and four he sends word to Esau that he is returning home, and he wants to reconcile their broken relationship. Jacob is intending to make restitution to Esau for the things he stole from him. However, when the messenger returns from Esau he tells Jacob that Esau is coming with four hundred men. Jacob commits a common error in dealing with difficult people we alluded to in the first message; he puts a negative interpretation on Esau’s actions. He thinks Esau is coming to kill him, and so he makes all these plans to escape. In reality Esau has already forgiven him, and wants to reestablish the relationship (chapter 33). Jacob wants peace between them, but he is not ready to trust Esau and reestablish the relationship (33: 12-17).
There are some situations in which forgiveness and reconciliation may occur, but it may not be wise to reestablish the relationship. If trust cannot be regained then it would be unwise to begin the relationship again. Let me give you an example. Suppose a man has had four affairs in the first five years of his marriage. His wife may forgive the first three, and go back to being his wife. However, at some point she may decide it would be unwise to trust him again. It is clear in the scriptures that we must forgive everyone who offends us, but the scriptures do not demand us to continue the relationship as if it hadn’t happened. Again we must know what God is saying to us about a particular situation, and we must not assume we know what He is going to say. Jesus allowed divorce for unfaithfulness (Matthew 19:9), but he does not demand it. If trust can be reestablished, 70% of marriages can survive one affair. There are situations where reconciliation is not in the best interest of the faithful partner, and for that Jesus allows divorce. Therefore, God does not always tell us we have to continue a close relationship with a difficult person.
IV YIELDING Genesis 26:12-25
In this passage Isaac has to deal with difficult neighbors. In a land where everyone was a shepherd/farmer water became the most precious commodity. Isaac had become very wealthy, and his flocks greatly increased. His neighbors foresaw a water shortage coming, and so they tried to drive him out of town by filling up his wells with dirt. They also asked him to leave town (v 16) just in case he missed the hint. They were wells his father Abraham had dug, and so he could have rightfully claimed them and refused to leave. However, Isaac felt it best to just give in and move instead of fighting for what was rightfully his. However, when he moved and reopened other wells his father had dug, and even dug a new one the local shepherds claimed them. Isaac again chose to yield instead of fight for his rights. He went out and dug another well only to discover other people who wanted to fight over it too. Again Isaac yielded to those wanting the well, and went and dug another one. This time no one quarreled with him, and he was left alone in peace.
Many people chose to quarrel and fight over what they feel is rightfully theirs, because they don’t trust God to provide what they need. Their desire to control the situation so they can get what they need comes from a failure to believe God is really in control. We can like Isaac trust God to provide what we need, and chose not to quarrel and fight to protect our "things." This may be one of the most difficult methods God may ask you to use with difficult people, because it goes across the grain with the "ME" generation.
This particular method can be seen in the words of Jesus in the Sermon on the Mount. He says, "Do not resist an evil person! If you are slapped on the right cheek, turn the other one, too." In the next verse Jesus tells us to give up more than the court requires (Matthew 5:40). The whole passage is teaching us not to retaliate even when we have the right to do so (Matthew 5:38-42). There are times God will call us to give up our rights when dealing with a difficult person. This is the most widely recognized method in the church for responding to difficult behavior in people. I didn’t say it was the most widely practiced. We need to realize that this is not the only method to use, and sometimes it is the wrong method to use with difficult people.
V Boundaries GENESIS 29-31
Jacob had always been a very difficult person, but he had met God and changed his ways. His uncle Laban would be as difficult to Jacob as he had been to Esau. The problem with being a difficult person is that sowing and reaping thing. Jacob agreed to work for seven years to get beautiful Rachel, but on the first night of their honeymoon his father-in-law pulled a switch-a-roo. Jacob woke up to discover he had married the wrong wife, because homely Leah was in his bed in the morning. When he confronted Laban about the switch he was informed of an unwritten rule that he had failed to tell Jacob before they made their deal. Jacob worked seven more years for Rachel, but then discovered he had no flocks to start his own farm with. He agreed to work for seven more years in exchange for part of the flock which would be born. However, Laban kept changing which kinds he would give him depending on which kind were being born the most. Jacob later said he had changed his wages ten times after they had made a deal (Genesis 31:41).
When Jacob could stand no more, he decided to leave secretly without telling Laban. I have discovered in dealing with difficult people we are often tempted to avoid confronting them in order to avoid their wrath. However, as Jacob discovered we cannot avoid confronting them forever (31:22). Laban discovered Jacob had left three days later, and went out after him. He had intended to harm him and take his children back, but God intervened with a dream in the night (31:24). Jacob should have trusted God, and confronted Laban before he left. However, fear drove him to avoid Laban, but he should have known sooner or later he would have to face him. Therefore, avoidance rarely is a good strategy with difficult people, because sooner or later you will have to face the issue. It is usually better if it is sooner, and usually worse if it is later.
The key method I want to highlight from this passage is found in the peace treaty they made in chapter thirty-one and verse forty-four. They set up a pile of stones for a monument of their peace treaty. In verse fifty-two Laban says, "this pile of stones will stand between us ...I will not cross this line to harm you, and you will not cross this line to harm me." They set up a boundary in order that their relationship would continue to be a peaceful one. Dr. John Cloud has written an exhaustive book on using boundaries in relationships. The book is entitled Boundaries. Let me give you a few examples of boundaries. Dr. James Dobson, in his book Love Must Be Tough, tells of a woman who allows her husband to move his lover into their home, and she thinks she is trying to hold her marriage together. However, in reality she has failed to put a boundary around her marriage. Boundaries are emotional lines of demarcation that we place around ourselves and our family members to create a zone of safety and security. Boundaries enable us to form healthy bonds with important people in our lives. A husband who allows his mother to interfere with his marriage has not set a healthy bond of "leaving" his home, and so he cannot "cleave" to his wife (Genesis 2:24). Boundaries tell us in short where "I" leave off and "You" begin. If you want to know more about setting healthy boundaries pick up the book Boundaries.
CONCLUSION
In this study we have discovered several different methods of dealing with difficult people which God may lead us to do. Let’s recap them as we close.
• Remove the Difficult Person
• Tolerate the Difficult Person
• Flee from the Difficult Person or Situation
• Reconcile, but Not Reestablish the Relationship
• Yield to the Difficult Person
* Set Boundaries between you and the Difficult Person
