“Two are better than one because they have a good return for their labor. For if either of them falls, the one will lift up his companion. But woe to the one who falls when there is not another to lift him up.
Furthermore, if two lie down together they keep warm, but how can one be warm alone? And if one can overpower him who is alone, two can resist him.”
Ecclesiastes 4:9-12
When we read these words of Solomon we tend to think in terms of marriage, and I have certainly quoted this passage in one of the weddings I officiated. But I believe the author had a much wider application in mind. This is for people who are on this lonely earth who are wondering how to survive in our dog-eat-dog culture. The writer of Ecclesiastes wants us to understand that Friendship is a good investment (v. 9). When the author says in verse nine, “Two are better than one, because they have good reward for their labor” the words “good reward” can also be translated “good return” for it means ‘dividends paid on a wise investment’.
The very best investment you will ever make in life will not be a financial one, but rather the investment made in relationships - first, with the Lord and secondarily with other people. We will get the best return on that investment over any other investment that we will ever make.
As we go through life there are two kinds of things we can give our lives to. If we spend all our lives trying to accumulate more and more possessions, we will never truly be happy and fulfilled. On the other hand, we can decide to focus on building relationships, trying to make friends and to be a friend. That brings true riches.
Now I want us to turn our attention to some general characteristics of a real friend and friendship based on this passage and other Scriptures.
1. A Real Friend Is Someone Who Provides Emotional Or Physical Warmth In A Cold, Cruel World. (v. 11)
Some times we have a tendency to take a passage so literally that we miss the point of the whole idea. This is more than just about keeping each other physically warm. Sometimes it’s cold out there in the world. We all want and need the warm affection of other human beings.
When I think of the love of friendship as it should be, I think of the relationship between Jonathan and David in the Old Testament. These two became acquainted with each other when David was brought to King Saul after he had defeated Goliath. Jonathan was Saul’s son and the presumed heir to the throne. 1 Samuel 17:57-18:3, “So when David returned from killing the Philistine, Abner took him and brought him before Saul with the Philistine’s head in his hand. Saul said to him, ‘Whose son are you, young man?’ And David answered, ‘I am the son of your servant Jesse the Bethlehemite.’ Now it came about when he had finished speaking to Saul, that the soul of Jonathan was knit to the soul of David, and Jonathan loved him as himself. Saul took him that day and did not let him return to his father’s house. Then Jonathan made a covenant with David because he loved him as himself.”
In true friendship there is the knitting of souls together in love and affection. We all want and need the warm affection of other human beings. We want and need unconditional love. People you can talk with, laugh with, sing with, pray with and even cry with. They ask you to put on nothing, only to be what you are. They like and love you for who and what you are….and what you can become. Such a relationship is priceless.
It is interesting that the Scriptures state, on a couple of occasions, that Jonathan and David entered into a “covenant” with each other. And, truly, friendship is a covenant relationship. It is an unspoken and unwritten covenant of love and loyalty.
True friends are people with whom you can dare to be yourself. You do not have to be on your guard. With them, you breathe freely. Your soul can be naked with them. You can say what you think and share what you feel. You can admit your little vanities and weaknesses and faults and in opening them up to your true friends, they are lost, dissolved on the white ocean of their loyalty. You do not have to be careful because a friend will never betray your trust.
Nothing destroys friendships faster than betrayal of trust. It is a disgrace to expose to others what your friend has shared about themselves in confidence … especially their confessed weaknesses and faults. Proverbs 17:9, “He who conceals a transgression seeks love, But he who repeats a matter separates intimate friends.”
Likewise, it is shameful to speak badly of your friend behind their back. Proverbs 16:28, “A perverse man spreads strife, and a slanderer separates intimate friends.”
Psalm 15:1-3, “O Lord, who may abide in Your tent? Who may dwell on Your holy hill? He who walks with integrity, and works righteousness, And speaks truth in his heart. He does not slander with his tongue, nor does evil to his friend, nor takes up a reproach (publicly scorn or shame) against his friend.”
Psalm 7:3-5, “O Lord my God, if I have done this, if there is injustice in my hands, if I have rewarded evil to my friend, or have plundered him who without cause was my adversary, let the enemy pursue my soul and overtake it; and let him trample my life down to the ground And lay my glory in the dust. Selah.”
Returning to the warm rewards of friendship…
True friends are not embarrassed to express their godly affection in word and gesture. In 1 Samuel 20:41, when Jonathan and David were reunited after a period of separation, it says they “kissed each other.” I am not suggesting that all true friends kiss each other but the free expression of appreciation and pure affection often characterizes true friendships and is one reason why they are so wonderful. If you have a true friend, don’t let time march forward without regularly expressing to them how special they are to you.
2. A Real Friend Is Someone Who Will Fight To Protect You Or Your Reputation. (v. 12)
When Solomon wrote these words, almost all combat was close combat. After the initial fling of arrows, it was generally hand-to-hand fighting. A soldier would often times team-up with a fellow soldier, someone that could be counted-on and trusted implicitly. The soldiers stood back to back, always keeping their backs in contact and, thus, providing each other protection from attacks from the rear.
As we have noted, friends never stab you in the back. Not only do they not stab you in the back, true friends guard your back. They will fight to protect you and your reputation when unjustly attacked.
Unfortunately, Jonathan had ample opportunity to demonstrate this feature of friendship. You see, Jonathan’s father, King Saul, became envious of David’s rise in popularity and sought to kill him. Jonathan knew that David had done nothing worthy of his father’s malice and sought to reconcile his father to David. 1 Samuel 19:4-7, “Then Jonathan spoke well of David to Saul his father and said to him, ‘Do not let the king sin against his servant David, since he has not sinned against you, and since his deeds have been very beneficial to you. For he took his life in his hand and struck the Philistine, and the Lord brought about a great deliverance for all Israel; you saw it and rejoiced. Why then will you sin against innocent blood by putting David to death without a cause?’ Saul listened to the voice of Jonathan, and Saul vowed, ‘As the Lord lives, he shall not be put to death.’ Then Jonathan called David, and Jonathan told him all these words. And Jonathan brought David to Saul, and he was in his presence as formerly.”
There can be times when sticking-up for your friend can place you in an uncomfortable position. Loyalty to your friend can harm your popularity and standing. Jonathan found this out. Saul’s envy did return and he, again, sought David’s death. Saul learned of Jonathan’s support of David and he tried to motivate Jonathan to turn against David by means of trying to get his son to also see David as a supposed threat to his own future well-being.
1 Samuel 20:30-34, “Saul’s anger burned against Jonathan and he said to him, ‘You son of a perverse, rebellious woman! Do I not know that you are choosing the son of Jesse to your own shame and to the shame of your mother’s nakedness? For as long as the son of Jesse lives on the earth, neither you nor your kingdom will be established. Therefore now, send and bring him to me, for he must surely die.’ But Jonathan answered Saul his father and said to him, ‘Why should he be put to death? What has he done?’ Then Saul hurled his spear at him to strike him down; so Jonathan knew that his father had decided to put David to death. Then Jonathan arose from the table in fierce anger, and did not eat food on the second day of the new moon, for he was grieved over David because his father had dishonored him.”
Jackie Robinson was the first Black American to play baseball in the major leagues. Breaking baseball’s color barrier, he faced hostile crowds in every stadium. While playing one day in his home stadium of Ebbets Field in Brooklyn, he committed an error. The fans began to jeer him. He stood at second base, humiliated, while the crowd booed and got right nasty. Then, without saying a word, shortstop Pee Wee Reese went over and stood next to Jackie. He put his arm around him and faced the crowd. Suddenly the fans grew quiet. Robinson later said that that arm around his shoulder saved his career.
This reminds me of the Lord. It was said of Jesus that He was “a friend of publicans and sinners! (Matthew 11:19)” This was hurled at Him by the Religious leaders as an indictment of wrong-doing. I think that Jesus wore it as a badge. You see, He did for publicans and sinners what Pee Wee Reese did for Jackie Robinson. Jesus’ actions said to sinners, ‘Even though the self-righteous elitists may banish you, I will love you and receive you to Myself.’ His friendship changed their lives!
Once sinners realized that Jesus was for them and not against them, they were ready and willing to listen to His teachings and counsel. Which brings another point to be made about true friends (even though this is a tangent off our main point here). True friends are committed to helping each other become better people I every way.
Proverbs 27:17, “Iron sharpeneth iron; so a man sharpeneth the countenance of his friend.” A knife or sword may be dull. By rubbing the blade against another, the blade is sharpened and made what it can and should be.
Friends are always challenging each other and even motivating each other to be all that God wants for them to be. They lovingly but honestly challenge each other to face their faults and weaknesses. Sometimes this can be painful. And I will say that some people don’t want individuals around them that remind them of their faults. They only want adoring praise. Such people are not looking for true friends, but toadies and sycophants; for, we know that Proverbs 27:6, “Faithful are the wounds of a friend, but deceitful are the kisses of an enemy.” Proverbs 27:9, “Oil and perfume make the heart glad, so a man’s counsel is sweet to his friend.”
Before moving-on to our next point, perhaps I should state that since we are to expect our close friends to give us counsel, we want to make sure they are a follower of Christ. Proverbs 13:20, “He who walks with wise men will be wise, But the companion of fools will suffer harm.” 1 Corinthians 15:33, “Do not be deceived: ‘Bad company corrupts good morals.’” The true test of a friend is how they affect your walk with Christ. Psalm 119:63, “I am a companion of all those who fear You, And of those who keep Your precepts.”
2. A Real Friend Helps You When You’re Down. (v.10)
Now you may have a lot of people in your life you could call acquaintances. But you may only have a very few that you could term “real friends.” You may wonder, ‘How can I tell the difference between acquaintances and friends.’ That’s easy, just go through some adversity. Find yourself in trouble or in a mess. Find yourself going through tough times. The people that are still around and attentive to your situation are your real friends…and there may not be as many left as you would have thought. Proverbs 17:17, “A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.”
Poor Job found that the friendships he had with were of little value when calamity entered his life. They came to him but only spoke words of cruel and unjust ridicule and condemnation. Old Job sorrowfully replies, in Job 6:14-17, “For the despairing man there should be kindness from his friend; so that he does not forsake the fear of the Almighty. My brothers have acted deceitfully like a wadi, like the torrents of wadis which vanish, which are turbid because of ice and into which the snow melts. When they become waterless, they are silent, when it is hot, they vanish from their place.”
How about you, have you been there for others in their time of trouble, distress and struggle? When your friends have been down, have you been a source of encouragement or prideful rebuke. Have you provided a light of hope or just added to their darkness?
Jonathan showed true friendship when David was feeling down and anxious. 1 Samuel 23:15-18, “Now David became aware that Saul had come out to seek his life while David was in the wilderness of Ziph at Horesh. And Jonathan, Saul’s son, arose and went to David at Horesh, and encouraged him in God. Thus he said to him, ‘Do not be afraid, because the hand of Saul my father will not find you, and you will be king over Israel and I will be next to you; and Saul my father knows that also.’ So the two of them made a covenant before the Lord; and David stayed at Horesh while Jonathan went to his house.”
What did Jonathan do for David? Jonathan encouraged him in God. Jonathan could not always rescue David, but he encouraged him to trust in God’s protection. Jonathan couldn’t give David all the answers, but he encouraged him to always seek the Lord’s way and purpose for his life. Jonathan couldn’t always stay with David, but he encouraged him to seek and know God’s abiding presence….to lean upon the Rock of Ages. What a precious gift Jonathan gave David! He comforted and supported him against all his fears by brining to his mind God’s infallible promises and His wonderful providence.
Whenever we can personally minister to our friends when they are going through distress and affliction, we need to be there. David, himself, spoke of the compassion of a true friend when they find their companion suffering, in Psalm 35:13-14, “But as for me, when they were sick, my clothing was sackcloth; I humbled my soul with fasting, And my prayer kept returning to my bosom.” David’s compassion lead him to humble himself, fast and pray for those who suffered. He, to the extent possible, took their burden and made it his own. In verse 15, he says that is what a friend does. Indeed, that is what a friend is for.
We all want friends, true friends. If you don’t have any friends, or feel you don’t, it’s time to find a new friend or renew an old friendship. You do that by being friendly. Don’t sit around waiting for one to show up on your doorstep like an abandoned puppy! Dale Carnegie once said , "You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in more people, than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you."
Most of us selfishly want friends for what they can do for us, but we should want friends just as much for what we can do for them. Here is the true secret to finding a friend -
I went out to find a friend,
And could not find one there.
I went out to be a friend,
And friends were everywhere!
Luke 6:31, ""Treat others the same way you want them to treat you.”
Acts 20:35 "Remember the words of the Lord Jesus, that He Himself said, ’It is more blessed to give than to receive.’ "
