Restoring Broken Relationships
Late one summer evening in Broken Bow, Nebraska, a weary truck driver pulled his rig into an all-night truck stop. The waitress had just served him when three tough looking, leather jacketed motorcyclist- of the Hell’s Angels type- decided to give him a hard time. Not only did they verbally abuse him, one grabbed the hamburger off his plate, another took a handful of his french fries, and the third picked up his coffee and began to drink it.
How do you think he responded? He calmly rose, picked up the check, walked to the front of the room, put the check and his money on the cash register, and went out the door. The waitress followed him to put the money in the till and stood watching out the door as the big truck drove away into the night.
When she returned, one of the bikers said to her, “Well, he’s not much of a man, is he?” She replied, “I don’t know about that, but he sure ain’t much of a truck driver. He just ran over three motorcycles on his way out of the parking lot.”
(Illustration from a sermon by Jeff Simms)
Many of us may understand how this truck driver feels. It is hard to be nice to some people. The gospel teaches us that I have a obligation to every person, not just to the people who are nice. We will look at today a passage where Jesus instructs his disciples on how to heal a broken relationship God’s way
Our world is littered with broken relationships. We have them in our families between husbands and wives, parents and children. We face them between employers and employees, with neighbors, different ethnic and social groups, between nations. What is the solution? Is there a way to repair the breech, to rebuild the bridge, to restore the relationship? I believe God gives us a vital key to restore relationships. We don’t talk about it much, but the Bible does. It is the key of humility. In essence, it is living out the Great Commandment to love God with all your heart and to love your neighbor as you love yourself. It means focusing on God and other people, not self.
1. What are some of the causes of broken relationships?
In a church a used to attend two friends of mine had a broken relationship. One did some work for the other one, and it wasn’t acceptable when it was finished. They haven’t spoken since, and they attend the same church. One is a believer and one is not. I don’t know who is right and who is wrong or at fault. The Bible does mention who is right or wrong only that reconciliation is necessary. However, the greater responsibility for reconcilation of a relationship is on the Christian.
The cause can be direct or indirect, material or personal.
A. Unkind Words spoken
B. Wounding Actions
C. Misunderstanding
D. Good Things undone
2. What are some Preliminary steps in restoring relationships.
-Realize you were reconciled to God through Jesus
10. For if, when we were God’s enemies, we were reconciled to him through the death of his Son, how much more, having been reconciled, shall we be saved through his life! Romans 5:10
-realize how important relationships are to God
-realize how important relationships are to You
-Realize Reconciliation to man must precede worship of God.
23 "So if you are standing before the altar in the Temple, offering a sacrifice to God, and you suddenly remember that someone has something against you, 24 leave your sacrifice there beside the altar. Go and be reconciled to that person. Then come and offer your sacrifice to God.
-refuse to allow broken relationships in your life (Do all you can to restore)
-remember it doesn’t matter who is at fault
“A long dispute means that both parties are wrong.” Voltaire
-humble yourself and do something about it. (Matthew 18:3-4)
3. And he said: "I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven. 4. Therefore, whoever humbles himself like this child is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven.
Shining Shoes for Christ
When Brennan Manning, an evangelical Catholic, was waiting to catch a plane in the Atlanta airport, he sat down in one of the many places where usually black men shine white men’s shoes. And an elderly black man began to shine Brennan’s shoes. And Brennan had this feeling inside that after he was done, he should pay him and tip him and then reverse the roles.
And when he was finished, he stood up and looked at the black man and said, "Now, sir, I would like to shine your shoes." And the black man recoiled and stepped back and said, "You’re going to do what?" He said, "I’d like to shine your shoes. Come on. You sit down here. How would you like them done?" And the black man began to cry, and he said, "No white man ever talked to me like this before." And the story ends with the white Catholic with arms around a black Atlanta man, and they’ve only just met, tears flowing, reconciliation taking place.
-- Brian Buhler, "The Ultimate Community," Preaching Today, Tape No. 146.
3. What are Biblical ways to restore broken relationships?
A. When the offender isn’t saved (evil man)
1. Not in an ongoing relationship are we to keep on getting hit on.
2. Forbids retaliation in personal relationships (It does not forbide legal justice, or countries going to war to stop evil.)
3. Don’t retaliate- Jesus is not so much saying what to do, as what not to do.
4. Jesus goes on to say our convenience & possessions less important than relationships.
38 "You have heard that the law of Moses says, ’If an eye is injured, injure the eye of the person who did it. If a tooth gets knocked out, knock out the tooth of the person who did it.’ 39 But I say, don’t resist an evil person! If you are slapped on the right cheek, turn the other, too. 40 If you are ordered to court and your shirt is taken from you, give your coat, too. 41 If a soldier demands that you carry his gear for a mile, carry it two miles. 42 Give to those who ask, and don’t turn away from those who want to borrow. Matthew 5
George Mueller wrote, "There was a day when I died, utterly died to George Mueller and his opinions, his preferences, and his tastes and his will. I died to the world, to its approval and its censure. I died to the approval or the blame of even my brethren and friends. And since then I have studied only to show myself approved unto God."
(John MacArthur Matthew1-7, p. 336)
B. When the Offender is a believer. (Or person in a close relationship)
“The mark of community--true biblical unity--is not the absence of conflict but the presence of a reconciling spirit.”
- Bill Hybels, Leadership, Vol. 14, no. 1.
1 . Overlook minor offenses
Prov 17:9 Overlook an offense and bond a friendship; fasten on to a slight and - good-bye, friend!
Proverbs 12:16 A fool shows his annoyance at once, but a prudent man overlooks an insult.
Proverbs 19:11 A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.
1 Peter 4:8 Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers a multitude of sins.
2. Confront those things you can’t just overlook
15 "If another believer sins against you, go privately and point out the fault. If the other person listens and confesses it, you have won that person back. 16 But if you are unsuccessful, take one or two others with you and go back again, so that everything you say may be confirmed by two or three witnesses. 17 If that person still refuses to listen, take your case to the church. If the church decides you are right, but the other person won’t accept it, treat that person as a pagan or a corrupt tax collector. Matthew 18
-It will come out if not, in gossip, or angry outburst. (Like Mom’s pressure cooker that built up pressure, but didn’t keep a lid on it-resulting in soup on ceiling.)
If you can’t overlook, and or forgive than you must confront.
In a church I know well one lady slapped another ladies child in the nursery. When the lady found out about it she was furious, but she didn’t want to say anything. Her pastor encouraged her to talk to the other lady about what had happened. When she confronted her in love, the other lady apologized and tears of reconcilation flowed. If she had not confronted as the bible directs the relationship would have stayed broken.
3. When we have been wronged and can’t get justice through church channels, Drop it
1 When you have something against another Christian, why do you file a lawsuit and ask a secular court to decide the matter, instead of taking it to other Christians to decide who is right? 2 Don’t you know that someday we Christians are going to judge the world? And since you are going to judge the world, can’t you decide these little things among yourselves? 3 Don’t you realize that we Christians will judge angels? So you should surely be able to resolve ordinary disagreements here on earth. 4 If you have legal disputes about such matters, why do you go to outside judges who are not respected by the church? 5 I am saying this to shame you. Isn’t there anyone in all the church who is wise enough to decide these arguments? 6 But instead, one Christian sues another – right in front of unbelievers! 7 To have such lawsuits at all is a real defeat for you. Why not just accept the injustice and leave it at that? Why not let yourselves be cheated? 8 But instead, you yourselves are the ones who do wrong and cheat even your own Christian brothers and sisters. 1 Cor. 6
1. Even if you do all the right things, and use all the right channels there is no guarantee you will get a resolution of the problem.
Colosians 3:13 Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another.
2. Don’t nag and complain, drop it and go on with life. (A Bad call in football -Michigan -Miami of Ohio) (Pass interference yesterday)
- Don’t Nag or Harp on it
3. We have to learn to live with some things we can’t change.
4. You don’t have to agree in order to reconcile. You may agree to disagree, but the relationship is reconciled in spite of the disagreement in this one area.
4. Forgive those who ask -Matthew 18:21-22
21. Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" 22. Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.
Forgiveness in Action
Pastor Hayes a man in his middle forties, was well-loved by his congregation, and faithful to God and to his family. He enjoyed a successful ministry in an exuberantly vital, growing church. Just when everything seemed to be going well, a cloud came over this man and his ministry.
Rumors circulated through the church that Pastor Hayes was guilty of moral misconduct. He had been seen at the home of Miss Morrow, a school teacher, just a few weeks before she resigned for "personal reasons" and moved to another city. Apparently someone in the church put two and two together-and came up with five.
Pastor Hayes was innocent, but the stain of the alleged scandal could not be erased. The rumors followed Pastor Hayes for years, seriously hampering his effectiveness as a pastor. It was difficult for him to endure the rejection, mistreatment, and misunderstanding caused by the false rumors. But it was even more difficult for him to witness the toll of these events on his wife and on his teenaged son.
It was ten years later-after his son graduated from college-that Pastor Hayes learned how the hurtful rumors began. One night a man the pastor had not seen for years appeared at his door. "Brother McLean!" said Pastor Hayes in surprise. "I haven’t seen you in..."
"Eight years," McLean supplied. "It’s been eight years since I left the church." McLean had been an elder in the church, but left a few months after his term expired. Pastor Hayes studied McLean’s features. He looked older, and something was clearly troubling him. "Please come in," the pastor invited warmly.
"No," McLean answered quickly, "I only have a few minutes to talk. I just had to tell you-I was the one responsible." "What? I don’t...."
"The story about you and Miss Morrow," McLean interrupted. "I was the one who started it all."
"You!" Pastor Hayes’ hands and voice trembled as old emotions flooded back. "But why? You knew I was innocent, didn’t you? Miss Morrow left town to care for her dying father. She called me to her house the day she learned of her father’s cancer. I went there to pray with her. How could you twist that into...."
"I know! I know!" Tears began to fill the other man’s eyes. "I was twisted, Pastor I twisted with jealousy! You see, before you came, I was a leader in this church. The previous pastor asked my advice on everything. People looked up to me. The programs I was involved in were flourishing.
"But when you came, a lot of new people came into the church. There were so many new programs and people didn’t listen to my ideas anymore. The church got so big-and it took a different direction. I felt left behind. I was so angry and bitter against you. Pastor Hayes, I don’t expect you to forgive me, but I just had to tell you."
The pastor stepped toward the man who had deeply hurt him for ten years. He wrapped his arms around Mr. McLean and embraced him. There in the yellow glow of the porch light, McLean sobbed away years of pent-up sorrow and guilt in the arms of the man he had wronged. And Pastor Hayes held him with strong arms of forgiveness and unconditional love, saying repeatedly, “I forgive you, my brother. I forgive you.”
From Courage to Begin Again, Ron Lee Davis
5. Forgive those who don’t ask Matthew 6:14-115
14. For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. 15. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins.
1. Most will never ask, but you must forgive or bitterness will poison you.
A resentful, grudge-bearing spirit can drive us to do strange things. Not long ago a man was divorced by his wife and the court ordered him to pay a certain amount of alimony and child-support every month-and he grudgingly paid it in nickels. Every time his alimony and child-support payment came due, 160 pounds of nickels landed at his wife’s door.
Another divorced man was ordered by the court to equally divide all the joint-property of his broken marriage with his ex-wife. He chose to do so with a chain-saw. As his neighbors looked on, he carefully measured the $100,000 suburban home that he and his wife had lived in for several years. When he found the precise mid-point of the home, he revved up his chain-saw and proceeded to cut his own home-floor, walls, ceiling, and roof-precisely in half. (From The Healing Choice, Ron Lee Davis, p154)
2. Forgiveness doesn’t mean forgetting, but it means not bringing it up or holding it against the person.
A few years ago, I was counseling a Christian husband and wife who were experiencing tremendous conflict in their marriage. Several years earlier, the wife had committed some very grievous sins against her husband. She had since repented of her sins, and some years had passed. Now, as their marriage was sinking toward dissolution, she said to me, "You know, it doesn’t matter what we are arguing about-finances or our schedule or things that need to be done around the house there isn’t an argument we have on any subject that my husband doesn’t bring up that one sin I committed years ago." The husband, sitting right next to her, just looked the other way. He couldn’t deny it.This is a marriage that will never truly be a marriage until the husband learns to forgive, finally and fully. So it is with you and me.
(From the Healing Choice, Ron Lee Davis)
C. Confess when you are at fault
Matthew 5:23
23 "So if you are standing before the altar in the Temple, offering a sacrifice to God, and you suddenly remember that someone has something against you, 24 leave your sacrifice there beside the altar. Go and be reconciled to that person. Then come and offer your sacrifice to God. 25 Come to terms quickly with your enemy before it is too late and you are dragged into court, handed over to an officer, and thrown in jail. 26 I assure you that you won’t be free again until you have paid the last penny.
When I was about 7 or 8 years of age an older neighbor boy who liked to pick on me backed me into a corner. I was against the back of our house and he was coming to get me for something. I had a cup of ice and I told him if he came closer I would throw it. He came closer and I threw it, and it broke off a couple of his front teeth. He went home crying. I don’t know remember how dad settled it with his dad, but I know a few years later after I got saved I knew I had to call and ask for forgiveness. I kept putting it off, but when I finally done it he graciously forgave me, and we still talk today when we meet.
1. Avoid using “If, but, or Maybe” in your confession of guilt
“If I did something, I’m sorry”
“I shouldn’t have got mad, but you made me”
“Maybe I shouldn’t have done that”
Proverbs 28:13. He who conceals his sins does not prosper, but whoever confesses and renounces them finds mercy.
4. Name some examples from the Bible of people who had broken relationships
David and Saul, Jacob & Esau, Xerxes and Vashti, Jacob & Laban
The Apostle Paul had to urge to women in the church at Philippi to reconcile.
2. I plead with Euodia and I plead with Syntyche to agree with each other in the Lord. 3. Yes, and I ask you, loyal yoke fellow, help these women who have contended at my side in the cause of the gospel, along with Clement and the rest of my fellow workers, whose names are in the book of life. Phil. 4
5. How can we honor God in our relationships?
We must live at peace in our relationships just as God called us to do.
Salt is good for seasoning. But if it loses its flavor, how do you make it salty again? You must have the qualities of salt among yourselves and live in peace with each other." Mark 9:50
Do your part to live in peace with everyone, as much as possible. Romans 12:18
Conclusion:
Relationships are important. They are important to God and his kingdom, and they are important to our spiritual and emotional health. God does not allow us to discard relationships that don’t make us happy like disposable things. We are not permitted to use relationships, and then dispose of them, and go find another. We are required reconcile the relationship if at all possible.
Here are some tips for helping restore broken relationships.
Pray first. When we talk to others about broken relationships, we tend to gossip. When we talk to God and ask his help, we work toward fixing the relationship.
Go first. It doesn’t matter if you did it or they did it to you, we need to be the first one working toward getting it made right. (Humble yourself)
Think about them. Try to see it from their point of view. Arguments take two people, and you may both be right and wrong about some things.
Admit you did it too. Don’t wait to see what they do, if you were in the wrong, even a little, admit what you did wrong.
Go after the problem. Don’t bring up the past. Don’t bring up new things. Don’t insult the person. Just try to fix the real problem that got you here.
Cooperate. Don’t try to fix unimportant things. Worry about the big stuff, and just try to get along when you don’t see eye to eye.
Try to get back together, not get even. Marriages, friendships, even churches tend to split over little things. Work on living in peace, not trying to find out where someone is wrong and making that an issue. If they are wrong, try to work on that peaceably. Don’t say, "I told you so" if they ever learn that they are wrong.
Thinking about my purpose:
Know. Relationships are worth restoring.
Remember. "Do everything possible on your part to live in peace with everybody." -Romans 12.18 (TEV)
Think about it. What relationship in my life is broken, and what do I need to do to get it right TODAY?
From purpose driven life devotional
