INTRODUCTION
I’m a liar. A big fat liar. Well, maybe not big fat lies, but at least little deceiving lies. The big fat part is that I keep telling the lie.
So many people have been so kind since my mom died on April 19, the day before Easter. With genuine concern and a desire to help, you have asked how I am doing. And, for the most part, I have responded to your generosity with a boldfaced lie. I have said, “I’m OK, I’m fine.”
The truth is, I am not doing so well. I have not slept well for the past two weeks. I eat too much and I have trouble concentrating. I am perpetually tired, nearly exhausted. I am functional, but at about 70% of my normal level.
My situation is not abnormal for someone in the early stages of grief. Everyone has different symptoms of grief. Some don’t eat at all, some over eat. Some can’t sleep and others sleep too much. Some withdraw from all outside contact. We get confused, forgetful, irritable, irrational, angry and very sad.
And many of us try to cover all that up. We fear that if we honestly answered the question, “How are you doing?” you might turn and run away in self defense if we began to spew emotionally like a volcano.
So, what do you do with us? How do you help someone who is going through a difficult time?
Let’s go to God’s Word for some answers.
Please turn to 2 Corinthians 1:1-11
I began planning this sermon two days after my mom died. Most of it is material that I wanted to share with you at some point. Now seemed a good time. Partly because it seems relevant, but mostly because is has been therapeutic for me to prepare and deliver this message.
Usually, people assume there are eloquent words that bring instant relief from suffering. There is a belief that there are professionals – poets, preachers, authors – who have been gifted with the ability to say just the right thing at just the right time.
Skills and know-how are not nearly as important as a genuine concern. The right words are really very simple and ordinary ones. Words like “I’m sorry,” and “I am praying for you.”
Let’s learn together from God’s Word What to Say When You Don’t Know What to Say.
READ 1 Corinthians 1:1-11
BODY
One Sunday morning a preacher was making the point that death is a natural part of the life cycle. He quoted Genesis 3:19 saying that we came from dust and to dust we will return.
After the service, a five year old boy came running up to the preacher. All out of breath with excitement he asked, “Is it really true that we came from dust and return to dust.”
The preacher said, “That’s right, my boy. That’s what the Bible says.”
The boy replied, “Then you’d better get over to my house right quick and look under my bed because somebody’s either comin’ or goin’!”
Death is part of the cycle of life. Bad times come into the life of everyone. They certainly invaded the life of Paul. Take a look at verses 8-9 again. He uses words like hardships, suffered, great pressure, despair and more. He felt it was all beyond his ability to endure. In fact, he thought he was going to die.
You have probably been through some hard times yourself. You may have lost a job or been fired. You might be deep in debt or facing a financial crisis. Your crisis may be health related or dealing with a troubled child. Or you may be coping with the death of someone you love dearly.
No matter what kind of suffering you are enduring, no matter what the source, be assured you are in good company. Paul suffered. Our Lord Jesus Christ suffered and people sitting all around you in this auditorium this morning are suffering.
Just as sorrow and pain take many forms, they come from many sources. You may be suffering for something you have done. You might be suffering from the actions of someone else. Paul, and countless other Christians, have suffered because of their faith in Jesus Christ.
Sometimes we suffer simply because we are human. Visiting China is not a particularly evil thing to do. However, so far, at least 20 deaths in Canada have been reported due to severe acute respiratory syndrome or SARS.
Accidents happen, diseases are contracted, cancer appears, tornadoes strike, floods ravage and death stalks us. Simply because we are human. We live in a world cursed by sin.
So often, we do not choose the suffering. However, we can choose our response to the distress we bear. We can be bitter and angry. We can complain that God is not fair. We can quit, give up, throw in the towel.
Paul made the choice to use his suffering…No a better a way of saying that would be that Paul chose to be used by God through his pain.
Look again at verse 6:
If we are distressed, it is for your comfort and salvation;
Oswald Chambers wrote:
If you are going to be used by God, he will take you through a multitude of experiences that are not meant for you at all; they are meant to make you useful in his hands.
People often want to know the why of pain. Why did someone die? Why did a loved one have a terrible disease? Why was there an accident? Why aren’t things different? Why?
It has been my experience that God does not offer much in the way of an answer to why. He seems to be more interested in how. He wants to know how we will respond. How we will behave. He gives us the opportunity to allow both the good things and the terrible events of our lives to mold and shape us. Maybe to make us stronger. Perhaps to make us wiser. But always to conform us to fit his hand.
I have a problem with my shovel that is in the storage shed. It has some interesting features. It is hand operated. And air cooled. The very latest in shovel technology. The problem is that it just does not fit my hands. Any time I try to dig in the ground, especially if it is hard or rocky, the thing just wears me out.
Paul saw himself as a tool, an implement in God’s hand. He used Paul to comfort others. Sometimes God used distress. Sometimes he used good things like comfort. In all of it, his purpose was to use Paul as his tool to comfort others.
God wants to comfort the people around you because he is
the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort. (v. 3)
The Scriptures are very clear that God is compassionate.
Isaiah, Nehemiah, Jonah and other Old Testament authors wrote of God’s compassion.
Psalm 119:156 says God’s compassion is great.
Psalm 116:5 The LORD is … full of compassion.
James 5:11 …The Lord is full of compassion and mercy.
At least 7 times the Gospel writers spoke of the compassion Jesus had on the people who came to him.
Mark 1:41 says Jesus was Filled with compassion.
When we are in any kind of trouble, we can go to God. He is compassionate. He is our source of comfort. We can rely on him.
In verse 9 of our text, Paul says he had learned that. He learned to rely on God. In fact, it was the pressure, despair and sentence of death that pushed him to rely on God and not on himself.
He relied on God for comfort. He learned, as he tells us in verse 4, that God
comforts us in all our troubles.
How do you suppose God does that? How does God comfort us? Would you expect God to send a prophet? Well, the prophets did bring messages of comfort, but the comforting words usually followed a warning of coming destruction.
Would you expect God to infuse our spirits directly from heaven with courage and hope? I suppose he might and you may have experienced something like that. But I am not sure the Scripture promises it will always be that way.
What I can point you to is the experience of Paul. Look again at the latter part of verse 4.
so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.
How did God comfort the people around Paul? Through Paul. Paul was a conduit, a pipeline of comfort. The comfort of God came to him and he let that comfort flow into the lives of others. How do you suppose Paul received God’s comfort? We have to guess a little, but I would suppose he was comforted by others who had been comforted by people who had been comforted.
That is how God usually does it. I am not saying it is the only way, but that is how Paul tells us here it happens.
So, how do you do that? How do you share the comfort? What do you do? What do you say when you don’t know what to say?
I want to offer a few ideas. They are not new or original with me. They are tried and true and they really work.
Simple expressions of love and concern mean a great deal. Our Maple View Family did so much to take care of us two weeks ago. Food was brought to our home, we were given a fruit basket, someone from the church even cut our grass.
Because we were traveling out of town, we were given some small cash gifts. Those were all wonderful gifts. Not because we could not afford to feed ourselves or put gas in the car. They helped because they were expressions of love.
Food and flowers seem to be the most common ways to express sympathy. We need to do something at a time when most often there are only limited ways we can help. We don’t take food because people in grief don’t have food. We take food because it is something we can do to demonstrate we care.
In my role as a Chaplain for the Bluefield Police Department I recently had to go to a home and tell a mother that her 23 year old son had been killed in auto accident. I have done that kind of thing 33 times now and it doesn’t get any easier.
As difficult as it was for me and the officer, it will be terrible for that family. But they will have help. Family started gathering right away and within an hour people started a literal parade of food. I literally had to move out of the way to make room for someone with a department store bag, not a little grocery sack, but a monstrous Belk shopping bag full of food.
People will bring food by the truckload because it is a way to say “I care.” The same is true of memorial gifts given to a church or charity.
One of the ways to share the comfort you have received from God is to go to the visiting hours and the funeral.
In the late ‘80’s I was preaching full time for a small church in Michigan and worked part time in the local funeral home. I frequently saw people from the church in the funeral home because it was a small town and everybody knew everybody.
Nancy Graybiel was a dear lady who was the backbone of the congregation. She was nearly 80 and it was difficult for her to get around, but she was always at church and frequently at the funeral home.
I was working the visiting hours one winter afternoon and was standing in the hallway to open the door for people as they came and went. Nancy was on her way out when she met an old friend who was just coming in. They exchanged greetings and I overheard dear old Nancy say:
“You have no idea how much effort it takes me to get all dressed up just to come see a corpse.”
Although it was difficult, and she did get caught complaining about it, Nancy knew the value of being at the visiting hours. Her remark was humorous, but she knew the visit was not for the dead but for the living.
One of the most common things I hear people say about going to a wake is: “I don’t know what to say.”
If you have thought that, please understand that there are no magic incantations or special words. What really matters is your presence.
I have been to many, many funerals and visiting hours. The death of a loved one is a sad thing. But I will tell you something sadder. When someone dies and no one comes to visit and no flowers are delivered, that is even worse. I have seen it. It really is sad.
My personal experience has been that the presence of extended family, church family and friends is a great comfort. None of them have ever said anything deep or profound. Only simple things like “I’m so sorry,” “I’m praying for you,” and “I love you.” Still, those simple words transfer the comfort of God from one heart to another.
Another simple thing to say is the name of the person who died. It is not necessary to pretend nothing happened. Don’t be afraid that if you mention the name of the deceased you will remind the survivor that he or she died. The survivor is very aware.
Several years ago someone shared with me something written by Terry Kettering that expresses this idea very well.
An Elephant in the Room
There’s an elephant in the room.
It is large and squatting, so it is hard to get around it.
Yet we squeeze by with "How are you?" and "I’m fine"
And a thousand other forms of trivial chatter.
We talk about the weather.
We talk about work.
We talk about everything else - except the elephant in the room.
There’s an elephant in the room.
We all know it is there.
We are thinking about the elephant as we talk together.
It is constantly on our minds.
For, you see, it is a very big elephant.
It has hurt us all.
But we do not talk about the elephant in the room.
Oh, please, say her name.
Oh, please say "Barbara" again.
Oh, please, let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
For if we talk about her death,
Perhaps we can talk about her life.
Can I say "Barbara" to you and not have you look away?
For if I cannot, then you are leaving me
Alone ...
In a room ...
With an elephant.
-Terry Kettering
Don’t be afraid to talk about the person who has died.
And when you do, don’t be surprised and don’t panic if someone cries. The tears are not caustic. They won’t hurt you. They are actually healing. Don’t tell us not to cry. Let us cry. Allow us to cry with someone who cares.
If you just feel like you ought to say something, offer to do something specific. There will have already been a line of people in front of you who have said, “If there is anything I can do, just call.”
Well, sometimes, when the grief is deep enough, we have a very hard time doing something as simple as dialing the phone. We may need something, but we just are not thinking clearly enough to call it to mind at the moment.
You might offer to take care of the kids, pick up the mail, help with thank you cards or run an errand.
Remember us. People are really pretty good about showing up at the funeral home. But after two or three weeks, they get caught up in the routine of their daily lives. It’s not that they don’t care, they just forget. A phone call, a card in the mail, a quick e-mail that comes two weeks, two months or six months after a loss means so much.
There are, of course, some things that it might be better not to say.
Most of us know not to say, “I know just how you feel.” Even if you have had a similar loss, the loss of your parent was not like the loss of my parent because the relationship is unique. Each person is unique and our feelings are one of a kind.
We don’t need to hear that time heals all wounds. For one thing, it is not true. We just read from 2 Corinthians 1 that God is the source of all compassion and comfort, not time. Time may not heal. And certainly, at the moment of intense loss, the idea that some day all of this will not matter to us is ludicrous.
Be careful about comments related to the suffering of the deceased. If the survivor wants to say, “At least he didn’t suffer,” or “At least she is not in pain any more,” that is fine. However, for some people that really offers no comfort.
Please don’t remind someone of all they have left. A parent who lost a child is very aware of the living children and does not need to be reminded that conceiving more children is possible. The bereaved are usually focused on the moment and may have difficulty thinking about the future.
Children and grandchildren are a comfort and a source of hope, but their life does not erase the pain of loss.
It may be helpful to recall your own times of loss. If you have not lost someone close to you to death, talk to someone who has. Recall what helped when tragedy struck. Then, use that experience to help someone else. Use the comfort God comforted you with to comfort someone who is hurting.
P.T. Forsyth said: “You must live with people to know their problems, and live with God in order to solve them.” (P. T. Forsyth, Leadership, Vol. 4, no. 3)
CONCLUSION
The Bible teaches us that sin is the root of all suffering. Not all suffering is direct punishment for sin. Sometimes we suffer because all humanity suffers because the perfect world God created was corrupted by sin.
In that since, our greatest, most intense grief is caused by sin.
It might be that sin is causing you to suffer. Perhaps physically, or mentally or emotionally. It is an absolute that if you have sinned, you will suffer spiritually.
There is a way to deal with sin and the grief it causes. The blood of Jesus Christ removes all sin and all the guilt that comes with it. When Jesus died on Calvary, his blood became the only way to remove sin.
And that is the greatest comfort of all. To have the source of all the grief removed from our hearts. To have the sin washed away.
