DEALING WITH DIVORCE - Part 2
ROMANS 12:9-21
INTRODUCTION:
According to the Census Bureau, on an average, over 2 million couples per year in America get divorced. It is happening so frequently that most every state now have established no-fault divorce laws in order to expedite the system. It is my understanding that California now even has a mail-order divorce available in some circumstances. Wayne Smith tells of an add he saw in a California newspaper one Thanksgiving that read: "Divorce: Only $25- come in and unload that turkey!" And while we may smile at that, isn’t it a sad commentary on our culture today, when getting a divorce is less expensive to procure than getting married?
Last week we considered 3 attitudes that the Church needs to have toward the divorced. (1) First, we are to hold high the God’s ideal of marriage that we find in the Bible. The ideal is 1 man for 1 woman for 1 lifetime. Now, that’s not our standard, that’s God’s and if the church doesn’t hold up the ideal who will? The Bible says, ""In a war, if the trumpet does not give a clear sound, who will prepare for battle?"(NCV) We saw three specific scenario’s that the Bible addressed that permitted divorce but we hurried on to say that even though we will hold up God’s ideal we must secondly (2) admit and acknowledge that there are some very complex situations that the Bible does not cover. What are you going to tell the spouse whose mate is abusive, or whose mate threatens the life of the children, or who had a spouse enter the marriage under false pretenses? Certainly divorce must be the last resort but there are some terribly complex situations, some covered in Scripture, some not. Then thirdly (3) we must practice acceptance and forgiveness for those that are divorced. Some people have just been victimized by a self-centered mate and they need to be accepted. Others have initiated the divorce, they’ve been the offending partner. But they have repented and received forgiveness from God and so we need to accept them and forgive them and reinstate them to full membership and participation in the Church.
Well, in part 2,these last 7suggestions are for the divorced. We want to deal with your attitude toward your circumstances, your ex, yourself and the Church. Some of you today, wrestle all the time with guilt, bitterness and insecurity and you really need some help to get through that. Now, I know not everyone here has been divorced. But I truly believe you can benefit from this discussion, because sooner or later someone close to you will experience it and you need to be able to minister to them. So, take out your insert and let’s look at point # 4 which is:
IV. RECONCILE IF POSSIBLE:
The key thought here is: Don’t give up too quickly. In vs:9, Paul wrote: "...hate what is evil; and hold on to what is good." And the word used to give us the phrase “hold on to” means "to bond yourself to something” i.e. “Superglue yourself to the good." The prophet Hosea’s wife ran off and became a prostitute and yet God tells him in Hosea 3:1- "Love your wife again, even though she is loved by others and has committed adultery. Love her as I, the LORD, love the Israelites, even though they have turned to other gods..."(GW) Now, granted that would be a pretty tough order to fill but basically God told Hosea not to give up. And there are those who have made it... even those who’s mates have been unfaithful or who have divorced and still have been able to reconcile. They will tell you that at times they thought it was hopeless, but will can testify that Jesus Christ can heal. You can hang on and with God’s strength and love come through that hurt and have a triumphant marriage again.
Now, I’m not unrealistic.. sometimes reconciliation is not possible. You might do all you can but because of their continued sin or refusal to repent it’s just not right to get back together. I agree with the interpretation of Duet. 24:1-4, that says that if a woman remarries it is not right for the first husband to try to remarry his ex-mate because they have already remarried. So, there are some reasons that reconciliation is not possible but don’t take the easy-way out! You make sure you have exhausted all the possibilities! Charles Swindoll wrote: "There is something worse than living with your mate in disharmony and that is living with God in disobedience."
V. REPENT IF YOU ARE GUILTY:
The 5th suggestion is: repent if you are guilty. If you now realize that you have seriously contradicted God’s will and have sinned against your mate then repent. Humbly bow yourself before God and say, "Father, I have sinned against You. I beg Your forgiveness and I submit my will to Your authority and to Your discipline in my life." Refuse to fall to the temptation of rationalizing your behavior. Don’t continue to blame your circumstances or your mate. Be honest with yourself and say “This is my fault, I’ve been so wrong and I need forgiveness." Now, I’m not suggesting "cheap grace" here. Just going through the motions of repentance but not really changing. Repentance is not true repentance if there is no change. So, if reconciliation is possible sit down with your ex and see if you can begin to work on getting back together. However, if reconciliation is not possible, maybe they’re remarried or you are.. Or there is just too much hurt or offense.. you can still call or write your “ex” and those others who have been offended and say, "I was wrong, I am sorry, please forgive me." Psa. 34:18 says that we are never closer to God than when we have a repentant spirit. "The Lord is close to those whose hearts are breaking; he rescues those who are humbly sorry for their sins." (LB)
Now, once you genuinely repent and ask God for forgiveness -accept it! Hebrews 10:17 tells us that God not only forgives our sins but, He forgets. That’s hard for us to accept because as human beings we say we have buried the other persons sin in the sea, but the problem is that we tend to put a buoy out there to mark it, just in case we need to dredge it up again. But not God.. Micah 7:19- "The Lord will trample our sins under your feet and throw them into the depths of the ocean!” Hebrews 10:17 says that “He remembers our sins no more.”(NIV)
Yet we keep remembering our own sin, feeling guilty and reminding God of it. Bruce Larson tells of a man who before he became a Christian had a terrible time with profanity. After his conversion, one day at work, he got angry and let out a cuss word. He immediately went off by himself and prayed, "Oh Lord, please forgive me.. I just swore, I am so sorry." Then about an hour later something else happened to upset him and his old habit broke out again and he swore. Once again he went off by himself and this time he prayed, "Oh, Father, can you forgive me, I did it again." And he heard the Lord say, "Did what again?" God doesn’t just forgive our sin, He forgets it. Remember, God wants your best. He doesn’t want you to feel guilty and depressed. He wants you to feel loved and encouraged. May our words be the words of King David who was said to be a man after God’s own heart. He said in Psa. 139:23-24- "Investigate my life O God.. Cross examine and test me, get a clear picture of what I’m about.. See for Yourself whether I’ve done anything wrong..."(MSG) So, repent wherein you’ve been wrong, then accept God’s forgiveness.
VI. ACCEPT IT, IF IT’S OVER:
The 6th step is to accept it, if it’s over. This can be a really difficult assignment. I’ve read where it can take as long as 2 years to go through the grief cycle, whether it’s because you’ve lost a loved one through death or a divorce. And there are at least 5 stages in the process. (1) Denial- You say, "This can’t be happening to me! It will be okay tomorrow, something will change and it’ll be alright." (2) Bargaining- You bargain with your mate- "Tell me what to do and I’ll do it! I’ll change wherever you want me to." Or- you bargain with God.. "Lord, I’ll do anything for You if You’ll just put this back together."
(3) Then there is anger- "God, how could You let this happen?" Or- fierce anger at your mate- "How could you do this to me?" (4) There comes depression.. Sometimes it can be prolonged.. you feel worthless, so alone. And you say to yourself- "What did I do wrong? What did I do to deserve this? I’m no good.." (5) Finally, though, there is forgiveness and acceptance of yourself as God’s child and there is restoration.
But this process is difficult, most of the time it’s a long, drawn out process.
You know, there is a sense in which divorce is more difficult then death because in divorce, you don’t have the same closure. In death there is a funeral, eulogies, flowers, a burial.. a time to say good-bye. But what is the final ritual in divorce? There is constant contact with the ex-mate, if there are children involved there are still some mutual decisions to be made. It becomes very difficult to know when it is truly over. In her book, Surviving Separation and Divorce, Sharon Marshall writes: "You may need to destroy something, but don’t destroy something you may later regret or something that is rightfully a part of your children’s heritage, like your wedding pictures. If you must, destroy something that is symbolic of the friction between you and your ex-mate rather than something that brings memories of God’s love. I tore down, limb from limb, a bushy tree that my husband liked. I had begged my ex for years to get rid of it and so it became a symbol of my rage. As I chopped each limb down, I cried and prayed and told both my ex and God of my heart; just as if they were standing there. It didn’t change the facts but it kept me from doing something rash. And then replace that which you destroy with something that brings joy. I replaced the tree with some fresh flowers. To me it symbolized the fact that a new life was possible. And because my loved one was an alcoholic, I broke every wine and beer bottle I could find.. that helped me overcome the urge I had to burn down the bar that he frequented. But there comes a time when you have to say, it is O-V-E-R, and go on." There comes a time to say with Paul in Phil. 3:13, "This is what I do: I don’t look back, I lengthen my stride, and 14I run straight toward the goal to win the prize that God’s heavenly call offers in Christ Jesus.” (GW)
VII. ALLOW TIME FOR HEALING:
7thly, allow time for healing. There is a book out entitled, How To Get A Husband In 30 Days. I wouldn’t recommend it. Why? Because a rapid new involvement or re-marriage is one of the worst "quick-fix" solutions you can take. Finish this axiom for me: "Good things come to those who what? Wait." That’s especially true in relationships. Don’t rush into anything.. you need time to heal. Remember, deep wounds heal slowly and some leave scars and pain. In 1985 I suffered a severe knee injury. I had to have several surgery procedures and now, years later- it is still “dead” and puffy on one side, I still have to ice it, when I exercise strenuously I must use a support in order to do it safely. And it’s going on 20 years! When you have been wounded deeply, emotionally, it takes a long time to heal too. You need to gather around you, your friends and family who hold the same values as yourself for support. Be willing to socialize in groups rather than solo date for a while. You need to get your emotional feet back on the ground. Our text in vs:12 says.. “Be joyful because you have hope. Be patient when trouble comes...” It takes time to heal.
But know that in time, things will be better than they are now. Isa. 40:31- "But the people who trust the LORD will become strong again. They will rise up as an eagle in the sky; they will run and not need rest; they will walk and not become tired."(NCV) Maybe, it’s all you can do right now to walk, to keep going and not faint. But if you wait and hope on the Lord, you keep moving forward one day at a time and He’ll see to it that one day that you mount up with wings like an eagle and fly again.
VIII. FORGIVE YOUR EX-PARTNER:
The 8th suggestion, and this one is very difficult, is to forgive your ex-partner. When you have been hurt by another person, human nature wants to attack, to hurt them back. That’s why one of our first inclinations when we’ve been hurt by a selfish or unfaithful spouse is: "I’m going to get even- I’m going to make them pay for this." And we are counseled by some friends and some lawyers to "sock it to them." But would you realize that when you seek revenge the person you really hurt is yourself. That’s why vss:19-21 reads- “Do not try to punish others when they wrong you, but wait for God to punish them with his anger. It is written: I will punish those who do wrong; I will repay them, says the Lord.” We are supposed to wait and let God handle the justice because He handles it perfectly. In the meantime, He says, “You should do this: If your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him a drink... Do not let evil defeat you, but defeat evil by doing good.” That’s a tall order but will you remember that forgiveness is relinquishing my right to hurt back. So don’t look for opportunities to sock it to your ex-mate. So guard your words carefully, ask a close friend to help you to acknowledge when your venom begins to pour out and help you stop it. And quit blaming your ex-partner for everything that goes wrong in your life and please stop running down your ex-partner in the eyes of the children.
Harold Ivan Smith tells about a woman whose name was Mary. She had just weeks before gone through a nasty divorce. She had gotten the house but he had gotten the nicer car and left her with the older one. Her husband had always taken care of the cars and she had heard about how that mechanics often take advantage of divorcee’s and so she was always fearful of the car breaking down. And then one day, while traveling on the expressway during rush hour, the car just stopped. She was able to coast over to the shoulder but she just sat there so afraid and frustrated. Finally she began to pound on the wheel and screamed, "It’s all John’s fault- it’s all John’s fault! He takes the good car and leaves me with this junker. Why, why?" And then her 7 year old son, who was with her, said, "Mom, it’s not the car, it’s the gas, we’re out of gas, Mom." And she wrote, "I said, `That’s impossible!’ but sure enough the needle was on E. We hiked back to the filling station and to this day we laugh about that day. But I had been so quick to blame my mistake on the children’s father." Learn to accept & begin to forgive. You aren’t God so you probably won’t be able to forget the hurt, but you can forgive and in so doing, help yourself. Next:
IX. EXTEND YOURSELF TO THE CHURCH:
Sometimes when we are hurt we tend to pull away from the very things we need the most. And it is not uncommon when one goes through a divorce to pull away from the church, from fellow strugglers who can help. Please understand that in God and in His church there is hope. There will be better days. Doug Wert can share with us on this very point.
FAITH STORY - Doug Wert - a divorced man who shares how the church helped him recover from divorce
Just as there was hope and better days for Doug there is the possibility for you too. Did you hear him say how much his friend in the ministry helped? But did you also hear that if he had it to do over again he would of gotten involved in the church sooner? Let me encourage you, instead of withdrawing, do just the opposite: start extending yourself to the Church. Attend the functions even if there are couples there and don’t expect special treatment. Don’t demand that in order to be your friend, they have to be the enemy of your ex-mate and understand that this is uncomfortable for them too. But above all, please know that God and Discovery want your best.. So, if you’re feeling any hurts or neglect please come talk to us so we can help.
X. WALK STRAIGHT, REGARDLESS:
The last suggestion is the most important, and that is: you walk straight, regardless. The time Jesus was most fiercely tempted was when He was physically sapped, emotionally exhausted.. that’s when Satan came with his strongest appeals. And when you’re emotionally hurt, that’s when you are the most vulnerable. You feel like a failure, you feel alienated from God, you don’t feel reinforcement from Christian friends. And in your low self-esteem you are tempted in ways that maybe you’ve never been before. All kinds of wrong thinking, feeling and behavior come your way from the destroyer of the soul. Here’s 3 things to do to walk straight:
(1) Keep doing what you know is right regardless of how you feel. You keep coming to Church even when you don’t think you can pay attention, you keep praying even though the heavens seem as brass, you keep reading Scripture even though it doesn’t absorb. (2) And if you are going to walk straight you make up your mind in advance that you are going to stay pure. That means watch what you read, watch what you see for entertainment and watch where you go. We have dear friend who after her divorce started frequenting single bars. Nothing good came of that! And make up your mind that you are going to stay sexually pure too. A survey in Cosmopolitan Magazine concluded that 89% - 89%! of divorced single people are sexually active. I don’t know if that figure is true, but if it is then God is asking you to be one of the disciplined 11%. I know it must be incredibly hard, after being married, to date and stay pure. I mean after all, a passionate kiss didn’t use to signal the end of an evening but the beginning of a whole lot more. Sharon Marshall wrote, "After my divorce dating was so difficult. Sexually I had to go backwards not forwards. I felt like a 37 year old woman going on 17!" But as difficult as it is, may I say to you - “It’s time to toughen up!” So, you decide in advance what your Christian standards are and what your response shall be and believe in your heart that God will honor you in the long run for a life of obedience. And should you find the "right one" & conclude that it is God’s will to remarry. You keep that relationship pure and you keep that engagement short!
(3) Please understand that God loves you and a failed marriage does not mean a failed life! Listen, as the old saying goes, “God didn’t make no junk!” And Jesus didn’t die for any either! He loves you so much and hates that you are going through this. You have a choice. You can in anger, deny God or you can, understand how much He wants your best and become more spiritually & emotionally mature from the experience. Divorce does not alienate you from God’s forgiveness & grace, in fact, if you will allow it, this adversity can allow you to see & depend on Him more completely. May this be the prayer that all of us pray in times of hurt.. "God, I hurt, but I love you. I can’t feel you but I’ll trust you. I’m angry & confused but You’re all I have. So, I’ll be true Lord, even if I have to wait until heaven to feel good again."
So, we close this 2 week study almost the way we began- holding up the ideal and remembering that God wants your best. And God, with arms open wide is waiting for you to trust Him. Have you done that? If you will trust him, submit your life to Him He will mold you, use you and make you into something beautiful.
PRAY
{All Scripture taken from the New Living Translation unless otherwise noted}
