DEALING WITH DIVORCE - PART I
MATTHEW 19:1-12
INTRODUCTION: “Just Married” Video Clip 2:41
{See illustration file for this sermon for scene from this movie}
Don’t we wish it was that easy? You know, your marriage is crumbling but just one pep talk from Dad and your commitment is renewed for life! But over half of the married couples in this country would answer the question “Is it over?” with “you bet,” rather than saying, “Not even close.”
You know, it is very difficult to preach on something as stressful as broken marriages. This is such a sensitive issue. One word or one phrase can bring out such negative emotions for you that you might stop hearing what I say. For there are some of you here today that have been ravaged by divorce. Some of you hold bitter resentments and deep hurts because of past experiences. So, as we start, let’s make a covenant, an agreement together. I promise to be as tender and truthful as I can, and you promise to be as objective and open as you can. If I use a word or idea that conjures some negative emotions, please don’t storm out on me mentally, stick it through til the end. And if your understanding of Scripture is different than mine please respect the fact that I believe the Bible to be God’s Word too. Let’s understand that this topic is extremely complex and can be incredibly volatile.
Now, I have a 10 point sermon. (Some of you just checked out on me!) Actually they are 10 suggestions on how to handle today’s divorce situation. I will not handle all 10 today so don’t think that the sermon is going to last until 3:00. I want to deal with 3 today and than deal with the final 7 suggestions next week. The 7 we will deal with next week concern the divorced persons attitude toward themselves, others and the Church. But let’s start with the 3 that concern God’s view on divorce and what I believe, from scripture, should be the Church’s attitude toward the divorced person. Now, it is clear that the Bible says that God hates divorce. And yet divorce is still happening at an alarming rate and it is happening amongst Christian homes. We all hate that but we cannot deny it. Now, obviously we would like to keep husbands & wives from breaking up. But let’s admit the facts. A good portion of people in this room have lived through a divorce. They can’t relive the past, they can’t unscramble eggs.. what is the Church’s attitude to be toward them and what is their attitude to be toward the Church and the Christian life? Well, let’s focus on 3 suggestions on how the church should minister to those that are divorced.
I. HOLD HIGH THE IDEAL:
First, as a Church, let’s hold high the ideal. Look at our text, where Jesus reiterated God’s ideal for marriage. The Pharisees came to Jesus to test Him. They wanted Him to make a major mistake in public so that His popularity would nose dive. So they asked Him a complex question that was certain to alienate some of the audience no matter how He answered. And so they asked, rather arrogantly.. Vs:3 - “Should a man be allowed to divorce his wife for any reason?” Now, it’s important to understand that in the O.T. the Jewish leader, Moses had allowed the Israelites to give their wives a certificate of divorcement. Duet. 24:1-2- "A man might marry a woman but later decide she doesn’t please him because he has found something bad about her. He writes out a certificate of divorce for her, gives them to her, and sends her away from his house.”(Msg) Now, as you can imagine that caused all kinds of problems. To the conservative scholars, "she doesn’t please him” or “something bad" meant adultery, to the liberal scholars "something bad" could mean that she was unpleasant, or she burns your food, or she put on a little weight. So, divorce, in Moses’ day was becoming very common. Seneca an early Jewish historian tells about one woman who had been divorced 25 times and she was married to a man who had been divorced 23 times. And so the Pharisees came to catch Jesus, "Let’s talk about divorce."
Jesus answered their question by simply quoting from Gen. 2, He reiterates the ideal. V 4-6- “Haven’t you read the Scriptures?” Jesus replied. “They record that from the beginning ‘God made them male and female.’.” From the beginning God set forth the ideal- one man for one woman for one lifetime. Jesus said, "That’s the way it was meant to be from the beginning.”
The Pharisees than asked a follow-up question. Vs:7- “Then why did Moses say a man could merely write an official letter of divorce and send her away?” Jesus answered in vs:8. “Moses permitted divorce as a concession to your hard-hearted wickedness, but it was not what God had originally intended.” In other words, people were getting so far away from the ideal that Moses was forced to deal with people in horrendous circumstances. But Jesus was reminding them that God never meant for man to separate what God had joined in marriage. That’s the ideal and Jesus held it high.
Now, the Church, the representatives of Jesus, must continue to hold up God’s ideal for marriage to the world. We are living in a time when people’s hearts are hard. So we must do everything we can do to adhere to the Scripture. That’s why one of the questions we will ask anyone who wants to be married by one of Discovery’s Pastors is “have you been married before?” If they answer "yes" then we spend some time talking to them about the circumstances surrounding their divorce, because we do not want to endorse a marriage if people do not respect God’s original plan for marriage. That’s also why anyone who requests to be married in this church must submit to pre-marital counseling and worship together during that time. If people were falling over a cliff at the rate of 10 per hour, it wouldn’t be enough to have a fleet of ambulances at the bottom to pick up the wounded. We would need a fence at the top to prevent the problem. So, we are trying to assist those who are going into marriage to make it permanent and more meaningful; to see it from God’s perspective. You see, we don’t want to leave the impression that we take divorce lightly. Let’s read this verse from 1 Cor. 14:8 together: "In a war, if the trumpet does not give a clear sound, who will prepare for battle?"(NCV) And I believe that it is time for the Church and all Christians, whether divorced or not, to stand up and say... "Here’s God’s ideal - Here is what He wants for marriage! One man for one woman for one lifetime... this is to be an unbreakable bond- no divorce! The Church must hold high the ideal even if it is not popular, even if it is counter culture. But that brings me to our second point.
II. ACKNOWLEDGE THAT THERE ARE COMPLEX SITUATIONS:
Let’s acknowledge that there are some very complex situations when it comes to this subject. And there are some complex questions too. Are there any Biblical reasons for divorce? If I am divorced, what does God say about remarriage? Now, as we talk about this point, remember the ideal. Certainly, in light of God’s design, remarriage should never be thought about while you’re still married! That may sound simplistic but many people today are caught up in comparison shopping where their mate is concerned. Our world has the attitude that "if it doesn’t work out, I can always get a divorce." And our system has made the dissolution of marriage quick, easy and from a logistical respect, almost painless. But what does the Bible say about divorce and remarriage? Is it ever allowed?
Jesus, in vs:9, gave one allowance in His answer to the Pharisees. I like the way the New Century Version words it: “The only reason I would make an allowance for a man to divorce his wife is if his wife was unfaithful to him, having sexual relations with someone else other than him.”(NCV) Jesus allowed divorce for the reason of adultery. In other words, illicit sex with someone not your spouse, which could refer to both heterosexual and homosexual activity. Now, the word "unfaithful" here is taken from the Greek word, "porneia," which is where we get the word pornography. I think it is interesting that porneia suggests, not a one time slip-up, but a sustained unwillingness to remain faithful. The idea here, is an immoral lifestyle on the part of your mate, i.e., a refusal to repent. I know of a preacher’s wife who discovered that her husband had had an affair, following a counseling session and upon investigation she found out that there were a whole pattern of affairs, not one, not two, but a series. There was attempts to reconcile but there was an unrepentant spirit on the part of her husband and continuous immoral escapades. Until finally with a broken heart she said, "I have no recourse. For the protection of my children and for the protection of my life with Christ, I’ve got to leave." I take it, from what Jesus said in our text, that she has a right to remarry.
Chuck Swindoll in talking about this issue of unrepentant unfaithfulness writes, "It is better to forgive the unfaithful mate and look for ways to make the marriage work, rather than to anxiously anticipate ways to break off the relationship.But there are occasions when every attempt has been made to keep the marriage together but sustained sexual activity won’t allow it." I think that is Biblical. Now, some say, that since Jesus clearly used adultery as an exception that unfaithfulness is therefore the only exception. Those that hold that view would say, "If there is no proven adultery than you must remain married to that person no matter what." I do not agree. We must take the whole counsel of God, not just one quote in Matthew. When you do that you will find a couple of other Biblical grounds for divorce and remarriage.
(1) When the divorce has occurred prior to salvation. 2 Cor. 5:17- "If a person unites with Jesus Christ they become a new person all together - the past is finished and gone, everything has become fresh and new."(Phi) An unbeliever doesn’t know God’s will for marriage and how to treat the partner and they don’t see marriage from a Biblical perspective. Let’s say, they get married, and get a divorced and then give their life to Christ. The Bible says, "everything has become fresh and new." Now, I would agree that the ideal would be to go back to the former partner, help them come to Jesus and to be reconciled. But 2 Cor. 6:14 does say "Do not become unequally yoked with unbelievers." (NIV) So, if they won’t make a commitment to Christ should they remarry? If the divorce was prior to salvation & since the Bible says "the past is finished and gone," I take that to mean they have a right to a fresh start.
(2)Another Biblical reason for divorce and subsequent remarriage is when an unbelieving mate willfully abandons the spouse. 1 Cor. 7:12- "If the one who is not a believer wishes to walk out on the Christian partner, let it be so. In such cases the Christian partner, whether husband or wife, is free."(Phillips) Now, two things here. (1) unbeliever in this verse means "unfaithful" so I take this to mean a mate who is not interested in a spiritual commitment. This is not describing just an atheist. (2) Notice that the spiritually unfaithful mate must be the one to do the leaving. If they don’t leave the believing mate must stay with them. 1 Ptr 3 suggests that the believing spouse’s behavior may finally win them over to the Lord. That means the spouse is not to force the mate to leave by nagging- turning up the Christian radio station real loud or leaving Scripture notes on his pillow, but should stay & by example show the mate what joy there is in living for Christ.
Now, I’m sure that this discussion creates a number of questions in your mind. What about the mate who lies to his spouse before marriage and you find out he was married before and has children, etc.? Would a person have to stay with a mate who entered into marriage under false pretense? -or- What about the mate who refuses to allow the children to have any spiritual upbringing? -or- What about the one who physically abuses the children or the mate? Should they stay in that marriage? Well, I think that divorce should always be the last resort. But let’s admit that there are circumstances that become so complicated that you sometimes have to choose between the lesser of two evils. The point here is for all of us to realize that the Bible does not cover every possible scenario of a failing marriage. If it did we’d need a tow truck to get it to church.
Now, if you think you have a blanket formula that covers every situation my conclusion would be that you not familiar with some of the complicated situations that people can get into. You talk to a woman who says, "I was married at 19, my husband is now an alcoholic. He beats me every night and he beats the children frequently.. he’s threatening to kill me. What should I do?" You can’t just say, "Well, the Bible forbids divorce, so you pray about it and love him through it and tell the kids that Daddy doesn’t mean it." That’s not realistic, that’s not safe. She needs to get out of there. And she needs to choose between the lesser of two evils. That may not be divorce but certainly separation for her safety.
When I was in College, I played basketball and my first year we didn’t have a very good coach. Mr. McKinney loved the game but he was the Geology & OT professor and didn’t know the game very well. He would always have one easy answer for our problem. We’d come in at half time, getting destroyed, down by 20 points and he’d pace the floor and look at us and say, "Boys, we’ve got to start putting the ball in the basket. Now, I want you to go out there this second half and put the ball in the basket!" Right answer, but it didn’t solve our problem. But I hear Christian people who get frustrated by all the marital destruction and say, "We’ve just got to tell people to live the way the Bible says to live. We’ve just got to tell people, don’t divorce." Right answer, true, true. But it does not solve the problem just to quote a pat answer. There have to be corrective measures recommended and some intermediate adjustments made to deal with reality. Now, please don’t misunderstand. I’m not condoning divorce for any circumstances. Divorce is not an option because your mate’s looks or health have deteriorated or you’re not happy. But let’s realize and acknowledge that there are some very complex situations. And then thirdly...
III. ACCEPT AND FORGIVE THOSE WHO ARE DIVORCED:
Let’s accept and forgive those who are divorced. Some divorced people have not sinned. They need to be accepted. Let me read a letter from the preacher’s wife I referred to earlier whose husband had a series of immoral escapades. “Divorce was a foreign word to me. It wasn’t even in my vocabulary. Being reared in a preacher’s home and marrying a preacher, I never even entertained the thought. Divorce would never happen to me. I felt guaranteed security and lifelong commitment. But it did happen and my high ideals came crashing down. I felt ashamed, exposed and rejected. my self-esteem? I had none. I’d lost my husband, my home, my financial security, my church family and my life seemed hopeless. I doubted God would ever use me again and wondered if He could forgive me for getting a divorce no matter what the circumstances. I felt like I took on a new status- labeled as a "divorcee"-someone who tried hard but couldn’t make it work. And even though no one said it, I felt like a second class citizen at Church. Several years have come and gone and I’ve picked up the pieces of my life and started over. I still struggle with accepting forgiveness, not from God, but from myself. What did I do to cause this? But it is a process.. one that requires a great deal of effort. Satan uses my doubts and fears to build a wall between God and me. The pain and rejection never, ever completely go away. We only learn to deal with it all."
I hear people flippantly say, "You know, there is no innocent party. If he’s running around it’s probably because she didn’t meet his needs at home." Well, it’s true that both partners are flawed. That’s true in my marriage, I can be a bear to live with, but that doesn’t justify divorce. There may not be a total innocent party but there is a faithful party and an unfaithful party. And I know some Christians who have been destroyed by an unfaithful partner who are victims! When they come to church they are guilt ridden & devastated. How we need to be careful not to make them feel put down or second class. People, as those who are in the same family, let’s not shoot our wounded! Maybe it is because we don’t want to appear to condone divorce or maybe it is just that we don’t know what to say. But they need our acceptance, love and care.
Gene Appel, a teaching Pastor at Willow Creek, is divorced. His wife, left him several years ago for another man, and try as he might he could not recover his marriage. Now, he deals with a broken heart and he suggests a couple things for us to do to give acceptance to those who are victims. (1) Don’t ignore the person. You may not know what to say or do but don’t pretend that nothing has happened. Take them by the hand, look them in the eye and say, "I don’t know all that’s going on in your life but I want you to know I love you and will stand with you." (2) Understand their loneliness. Understand that the Church is one of the hardest places for a divorced person to be.. everywhere you are reminded of family.. sometimes when you see fathers and sons or mates holding hands you just want to die inside. (3) Extend Yourself to the Person. I know, sometimes it is hard to know what to say, hard to know what to do. But most people who are really hurting just need to know someone cares. So, give them a call or write a card. Just say, “I love you, if you need me I’m here for you.” (4) Exercise the golden rule. Simply think, "How would I want to be treated if that had happened to me?" And then confidently give of yourself to them. Ezekiel said, "I have sat where they sat." And the non-divorced can’t say that but you can imagine the pain and live the golden rule. Some don’t need forgiveness, they just need acceptance.
And there are some that do need forgiveness. There are some among us who have initiated the divorce. They have violated their vows, they have bailed out much to early.. but it’s in the past and have sought for and received the forgiveness of God. Divorce is a sin but, please hear this.. it is not the unpardonable sin! And please hear this also.. the Bible does not say if you divorce and remarry you cannot receive absolute forgiveness. 1 John 1:9 says, "If you confess your sin, He is faithful to forgive and cleanse you from all unrighteousness."(NIV)That includes divorce and remarriage.
People, it is the Church’s responsibility to hold high the ideal but when there is repentance and a humble spirit the Church must also shout it loud and clear that divorced people can be completely forgiven! And in my understanding of Scripture that includes eligibility for any function in the Church including leadership, once credibility has been reestablished. We have no right to hold sins against people which God has forgiven and wiped clean. David was an adulterer but God allowed him to continue to serve as King, Peter was a denier but God allowed him to continue to serve as an apostle, Paul was a murderer but God allowed him to serve as a missionary. Psa. 103:8- "The Lord is compassionate and gracious, slow to anger, abounding in love. He does not treat us as our sins deserve.. as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions.."(NIV) You know, we’re sometimes so concerned that we may appear to be condoning divorce that we are not forgiving. But, our main concern must be to emulate God’s grace. To show people that God wants their best.. And yes that’s holding up the ideal but if everything is not ideal it’s letting people know that they can be forgiven and accepted by imperfect but forgiven people.
Jackie Robinson broke the color barrier in Major league baseball. But being the first black, every where he went he heard racial slurs and was harassed. One day in Brooklyn, his home field, he made a critical error that may have cost the Dodgers the game. And his own fans began to boo and shout horrible things. Jackie Robinson stood at second base all alone, the object of ridicule. But then Pee Wee Reese, a white shortstop walked over to him, stood beside him for a second and then put his arm around him. The crowd hushed.. later Jackie R said, "That arm around my shoulder may have saved my career." There are some people here today who have made some critical mistakes and they feel the object of guilt and oh, how they need to have someone put their arm around them and say, "Hey, God’s forgiven my sin, therefore you’re forgiven too and as one of the forgiven, let’s stand together!" And the greatest news is, that no matter what your sin, there is One who died to make you free of sin. And He says, “Are you burdened? Worn out? Burned out on religion? Come to me. Get away with me and you’ll recover your life. Keep company with me and you’ll learn to live fully.”(Matthew 11:28 - Message)
{All Scripture from the New Living Translation unless otherwise noted}
