Help, What Should I Do With This Anger?
NLF 3/21/2004 2 Samuel 13: 7-33 Ephesians 4:25-32
Our bible study this week will deal with the stress of anger. When was the last time that you became very angry? An hour after it was over, how did you feel about the way you handled yourself during your period of anger? How did God feel about it?
Now do not think that anger means we no longer have the Holy Spirit living inside of us. Anger is a God given emotion that helps us to keep things in balance. Think what would happen to us and our children if you never got angry at some of the things they did. Our house and their lives would be totally out of control. It also would be a terrible thing to see someone be cruelly beaten and mistreated, and simply say “whatever” and go about your business. Anger is necessary part of our spiritual growth.
The bible uses the words, “in your anger” which means God expects us to be angry at times. But it goes on to say, “in your anger, do not sin.” It’s important for us to realize the distinction between anger and sin. The two are not the same, but the second will follow very quickly on the heels of the first if we do not do hold that anger in check. We have a choice of how to deal with our anger. Situations are going to arise in our lives, and what we do with our anger is going to determine the quality of our future.
One issue that is a reason for anger today is the rise of sexual abuse that takes place in the home. We do not like to think of older brothers or step brothers forcing younger sisters to have sex with them but it happens. We do not want to think that our boyfriends will have sex with our daughters or sons who are not yet teens but it happens. We do not want to think of fathers, grandfathers, and uncles having sex with their daughters, granddaughters, and nieces but it happens.
It happens not just among people who never attend church, but it happens in families that attend church every week. The sooner we have frank and open discussions with our children about sex, the safer environment we can create for them. They need to know before sexual abuse takes place what our reaction to them will be, otherwise they may have it happen and live in silence, shame, and anger.
The bible gives us a picture of what has happened, what is happening, and what will happen. It does not sugar coat the lives of the people that were used by God. King David was one of the great leaders in the bible, who loved the Lord. The bible called David, “a man after God’s own heart.” But one day, he used his position and influence to trick a married woman in to coming to the palace one night.
Before she left, he had sex with her, and sent her away as though nothing had happened. She got pregnant. To try to cover the whole thing up, the David ended up having her husband killed, and he took the woman as his own wife. God was very angry with what David had done, and told him there would be a great consequence for his action. We should never think we have the perfect plan to keep others from finding out what we have done.
David had a number of wives. His oldest son was Amnon. As the oldest, Amnon was next in line to be king. Amnon was not interested in the things of God, but he was interested in his half sister. He thought he was in love with her , but in reality he was in lust. Amnon fantasized a lot about Tamar, to the point he felt he just had to have her. His goal was to get her alone so that he could get in bed with her to have sex. Who do you think was his role model for this scheme? Yes, his father David.
Amnon pretended to be ill. He asked his father David, to send his half sister Tamar to his house so that he could eat some of her cakes. David sent Tamar to his house. Amnon had everybody leave his chambers, and asked Tamar to come feed him in the bedroom. When she went into the bedroom, he grabbed her and asked her to have sex with him. She said no. She reminded him of what it would cost them both in terms of their future and the disgrace it would bring upon them. She was a virgin and wanted to remain a virgin until her marriage.
But Amnon would not listen to her. He was stronger than she was so he raped her. As soon as it was over, he found out it was not love but lust he had. He got angry at her and demanded she get out of his house. She said “no, because sending me away is worse than what you have already done to me.” He was attempting to make it seem as though she had taken advantage of him. He had his servants come throw her out the room and lock the door behind her.
She left the place crying, and she ripped her clothing to let everyone know that she was not the virgin she had been before visiting Amnon. She went to her brother Absalom and told him what had happened. He became very angry. Absalom told her to keep quiet about it. From that moment he hated his half brother Amnon and would not speak to him. When their father King David found out about his son raping his daughter, he was furious, but did not do anything about it.
Two years later, Absalom tricked Amnon into coming to a party. Amnon thought his brother had gotten over his anger and went. But just as Amnon was having a good time drinking, Absalom ordered his boys to jump him and put him to death which they did.
The story of this family is loaded with anger and all the mistakes we can make by not handling anger in the right way. The first person in the story to get angry is Amnon. Amnon had really wanted Tamar and thought he loved her, but after he raped her, he was angry at her and blamed her for messing up his life. He knew he had put his position of becoming the next king in jeopardy.
He knew everything she had told him about how he would suffer humiliation and be called a fool by others would become reality. It was far easier for him to blame Tamar , than it was to admit he had caused his own destruction. He refuse to acknowledge the destruction he had inflicted upon Tamar.
We walk around as angry people when we refuse to take the responsibility for what we have done wrong. Angry people go around blaming others. They convince themselves they have done nothing wrong, and if it only wasn’t for so and so, their lives would be great. Amnon misplaced his anger on Tamar. He was really angry at himself, but would not admit it. It was easier to be angry at her, because then he would not have to change.
Angry people find it easier to just keep blaming other people. The abusive husband or the abusive wife is no different than Amnon. They too blame their victims. “If you had not of done such and such, then I would not have lost control and beat you.” What they do not know is that someone, somewhere is planning on getting even? It will happen when they least expect it. Amnon was killed just when he was having a good time at the party and thinking all bad feelings had been forgotten.
Tamar was the second person to get angry. Her anger was certainly justified. She was angry that something had been taken away from her that could never be regained. She had been betrayed by her brother, had her virginity violently taken from her, and then cast out like she had been less than a prostitute. Tamar was somewhat of a quiet person, and she turned her anger inward. She had experienced a tremendous loss and was undergoing emotional trauma.
Unfortunately for her, her brother Absalom told her to keep it to herself. The anger inside of her had nowhere to go, and so it turned on her. This beautiful young woman began to blame herself for what had happened, and she chose to become a desolate woman. The word desolate means, “laid waste, with the joy of life hopelessly destroyed. Anger that has no where to go will often turn into depression.
Tamar became very depressed. That’s why she was called desolate, with no hope of joy. She needed to have fully exposed the wrong Amnon had done to her. Sexual abuse never gets better by simply keeping quiet. Our anger may dwell inside of us, until we get a sense of some justice as having been done. By keeping silent, she lost the joy that could have been hers. She carried a shame that was not hers to carry. Some of us may be carrying a shame, but we don’t have to carry it any longer. God is in the business of cleansing shame from our lives.
Absalom was the third person to get angry. He was angry because of a wrong done to somebody he loved. Anger was the appropriate emotion for him to feel as his sister told her horrendous and painful story. From that day forward, Abaslom had a chip on his shoulder. He decided to take matters into his own hands.
Absalom was a very likeable person, but inside he was conceiving a plot to release his anger through murder. He was determined that he was going to get his revenge. He tricked his brother into coming to him, just as his brother had tricked his sister. He had his brother murdered by his boys. He thought he had gotten over.
What he did not know was that this choice of action would lead to his own demise. Within a few years, he would be riding on a horse through some woods and would get stuck in a tree by his neck. Someone would then come along and get revenge on him by throwing darts into his body and finally his hearts. The bible gives us a warning of reaping what we sow. You ever told anyone, “you just wait, I’ll see to it that you get yours.”
The fourth person to get angry in the story is King David. He is furious at a number of things. He’s upset that he was tricked into sending his daughter Tamar to Amnon in the first place. He’s angry with Amnon for what he did to Tamar. But then he’s angry because he’s lost his moral authority. What was he going to say when he yelled at Amnon, when Amnon came back with “Well Dad I didn’t do anything, that I didn’t see you do with Bathsheba.”
David was filled with anger, but it left him paralyzed to do anything. His pride kept him from going to either Amnon or Tamar because it would face him to face the major failures in his own life. We need to value our moral authority which comes from living a faithful life before God.
One version of the bible says, be angry but sin not. David was very angry, but he sinned by not doing anything. His son needed some discipline and his daughter needed his comfort but it does not appear he gave out either. Sometimes when we find out about sexual abuse going on in our homes, and do nothing, we create a far greater possibility for sin.
By not dealing with this matter in a timely fashion, it almost cost David his kingdom and his life as he ended up fleeing the city when Absalom turned against him in a rebellion and a civil war followed. Over 20,000 soldiers perished in the battle. If we do not take action today, how much more suffering is going to follow.
What is God’s solution for us to deal with the stress of anger when it comes into our lives. The first thing we need to do is to admit that we are angry. We lie to ourselves way too often, by saying oh that did not bother me, when it fact it did. Some of us are still angry about things people did to us a long time ago. Promises that were made but not kept left us angry.
We were taken advantage of sexually by someone we knew. We were cheated by someone we trusted. We were made fun of by others. We were always made to feel we were not good enough, not smart enough, or not pretty enough. We may still be angry with our parents for not being there for us or for getting a divorce.
We may be angry over a relationship or marriage that ended even though it was years ago. We may be angry with God, for not doing something we thought God should have done. If it wasn’t for our fear of hell and death, we may have walked away from God a long time ago.
If you’ve got a reputation for walking around with a chip on your shoulder, you have not admitted that you are angry. Some of the tension we experience in our relationships today stems from being angry at something the other person has done. Instead of talking about it, we told ourselves “it did not bother me.” It did and it does bother you so go ahead and talk about it.
The second thing we are to do identify clearly is who should be the target of our anger. Who is really to blame for what has taken place? Why did I lose my job? Why did the relationship end? What decision led me to be where I am? Sometimes the person we’re taking our anger out on, is not the same person who is responsible for our emotions. Amnon never admitted he brought this tragedy on himself.
The third thing we are to do is to take the appropriate action to deal with our anger. The charge is, “in your anger, do not sin.” We are not called to explode in our anger just to get it off of our chest. Did you know, your anger can cause you to kill some one? A temper out of control is capable of all kinds of things that are regretted for a lifetime.
But we are not called to get angry and do nothing about it. One of the first things we have to take control of us is our tongue. The damage of our words will last far longer than if we had literally hit the person with our fist. Do not try to pretend the anger is not there if we have been deeply hurt by someone we care about because it will lead us down a road of depression.
The fourth thing we must do is put a time limit on our anger. The bible limits our ability to carry a grudge from whatever time of day it is, until the next sunset. If you want to carry a grudge for a long time, start with it right after the sun goes down and that will give you a full 24 hours to carry it. Nursing a grudge never gets better with time. How long will you not speak to this person? How long do you have to make this other person suffer until you feel justified? How many times will it take getting even to really get even? This is not a game God has called us to play.
What’s happening to you with this seething anger just below the surface? Ask yourself, “Am I doing what’s best for me by holding on to this anger like I want to do?”
Scientists have proven angry people experience: Increased adrenal gland activity, increase in body temperature, increase in blood sugar, increase in heart rate. All of this leads to loss of sleep, high blood pressure, depression and various other damaging illnesses. Do you think the same thing is happening in the other person’s body.
The fifth thing we must do is perhaps the hardest, and that’s choosing to give our anger and our hurt over to the Lord. Sometimes we go through some severe pain and losses. The last thing we want to do is to forgive those who caused it, but our own healing is wrapped up in our releasing this poison out of our bodies and spirit. Anger will lead to hatred. Hatred of others chokes off our relationship to God. There is no misunderstanding Jesus’ words to forgive one another.
Forgiveness allows God to turn our hurt and our pain into something God can use for His honor and His glory. Forgive that parent for walking away from you. Forgive the parent for going to jail. Forgive the child that put you through all he or she did in running away, getting involved in drugs, and landing in jail.
Forgive the people who hurt you with their words through the years. Forgive those who are dead as well as those who are walking around. Forgive the person who abused you. Forgive each other for the little mistakes that were made along the way. Forgive yourself for some of the dumb decisions you made that led to some difficult consequences for your life. Forgive yourself for blowing it with your family.
Forgiveness is God’s plan for our spiritual health after anger has been a part of our lives. We do not always have the power to forgive in our own strength. That’s where our relationship to Jesus Christ comes into being. The same strength that was given to Jesus as he we was being murdered on the cross as He uttered the words “father forgive them for they don’t know what they are doing” can be given to us for our situation. God can help you overcome your anger, and make you into there person He desires for you to be. Let’s commit to give our anger over to God, and act in the way He would have us do whenever it rises up again.
Sermon Outline—Pastor Rick
Help, What Should I Do With This Anger?
NLF 3/21/04 2 Sam. 13:6-33 Eph. 4:25-32
A. We Are All Dealing With Anger
1. Your Last Episode
2. Your Last Response
3. Where Was The Holy Spirit
4. Anger—Essential For Balance
5. If I Never Got Angry
6. “In Your Anger” It’s Okay
7. Balancing Anger & Sin
B. Justified Anger In The Home
1. The Issues Of Sexual Abuse
2. Non Church & Church Families
3. Equipping Our Kids For Safety
C. A Good Person Can Make Bad Choices
1. King David—After God’s Own
Heart
2. An Abuse Of Power & Position
3. Encounter With Bathsheba
4. Sex, Pregnancy, Lies, Murder
5. God Will Judge
D. A Family In Turmoil
1. Amnon—Next In Line To Be King
2. When Lust Is Taken For Love
3. Fantasizing About The Wrong One
4. A Deceptive Plan For Tamar
5. Tamar Cries Go Unheard
6. A Rape And Further Betrayal
7. Tamar—A Woman Of Principal
8. Tamar Get’s Absalom’s Advice
9. Absalom Holds A Grudge
10. King David Is Furious
11. From Grudge To Plot, To Murder
12. Anger Dwells Everywhere
E. Amnon’s Anger
1. I Blame You For Messing Up My
Life
2. Refused To Acknowledge The
Real Problem
3. Angry People Blame Others
4. Blame Escapes Responsibility
5. The Abusive Spouse
6. Somebody Is Biding Time For
Revenge
F. Tamar’s Anger
1. Anger Is Justified
2. Losses Endured—Emotional Trauma
3. Advice From Absalom
4. Anger Turned Inward
5. “Desolate”—Laid Waste, Joy Of Life
Hopelessly Destroyed
6. Depression Sets In
7. Keeping Silent Is Not The Answer
8. God Removes The Shame
G. Absalom’s Anger
1. Anger Is Justified, Pain Of Another
2. The Chip On The Shoulder
3. Planning For The Right Time & Way
To Get Even
4. From Thought To Murder
5. Reaping What You Sew
6. Beware Of The Price Of Getting Even
H. King David’s Anger
1. The King Is Furious
2. Made An Accessory To The Crime
3. No Action Is Taken
4. Paralyzed By Lack Of Moral
Authority
5. Pride Holds Him Back
6. No Discipline, No Comfort
7. Cost Involved In Doing Nothing
8. 20,000 Dead-Civil War
I. God’s Plan Of Stress—Admit
1. Yes I Am Angry
2. Anger From The Past & Present
3. Anger In Our Lives
4. Anger At God
5. A Chip Reputation Is A Sign
J. God’s Plan—Identify Who Is At Fault
1. Is This Person Responsible
2. What Role Have I Played
K. God’s Plan—Appropriate Action
1. In Your Anger, Do Not Sin
2. Avoid The Explosion
3. Yes, You Can Kill Somebody
4. Control Our Tongues
5. Avoid Denial & Depression
L. God’s Plan—Put On The Time Limit
1. Grudge Between Sunsets
2. Don’t Play The Nursing Grudge
Game—End It Now
3. What Anger Does To You
4. Love Yourself Enough To Want To
Live
M. God’s Plan—Choose To Give It
Away
1. Give It To God Today
2. The Choice To Forgive
3. From Anger To Hatred
4. Jesus Leaves No Alternative
5. Examine Who You Need To
Forgive
6. Parent Child Child Parent
7. Abusers, Users, Deceivers
8. Yourself
N. God’s Got A Plan For Spiritual Health
1. God Provides The Strength
2. Jesus Is The Example
3. Forgive Them Because They Do Not
Know What They Are Doing
4. Yes God Can Change You.
Ephes. 4:25-32
Therefore each of you must put off falsehood and speak truthfully to his neighbor, for we are all members of one body. 26"In your anger do not sin": Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, 27and do not give the devil a foothold. 28He who has been stealing must steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with his own hands, that he may have something to share with those in need.
29Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. 30And do not grieve the Holy Spirit of God, with whom you were sealed for the day of redemption. 31Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. 32Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.
The Message Ephesians 4:25-32
What this adds up to, then, is this: no more lies, no more pretense. Tell your neighbor the truth. In Christ’s body we’re all connected to each other, after all. When you lie to others, you end up lying to yourself.
Go ahead and be angry. You do well to be angry—but don’t use your anger as fuel for revenge. And don’t stay angry. Don’t go to bed angry.
Don’t give the Devil that kind of foothold in your life. Did you used to make ends meet by stealing? Well, no more! Get an honest job so that you can help others who can’t work.
Watch the way you talk. Let nothing foul or dirty come out of your mouth. Say only what helps, each word a gift.
Don’t grieve God. Don’t break his heart. His Holy Spirit, moving and breathing in you, is the most intimate part of your life, making you fit for himself. Don’t take such a gift for granted.
Make a clean break with all cutting, backbiting, profane talk. Be gentle with one another, sensitive. Forgive one another as quickly and thoroughly as God in Christ forgave you.
