“How to Treat Those who Hurt Me”
Text: Matthew 18:15-17; 21-35
Mark G. Magee
A. All hurt: Everyone has had someone hurt them. Physical, emotional, and verbal abuse, rejection, ignored, fired, abandoned, broken engagements, divorce, gossip, lies, insult, cussed, theft, criticism-- Everyone of us have been hurt. Some more than others.
B. $2,000.00: Between my Sophomore and Junior year in college, I had two options for the summer. Because I was on the college basketball team, I could have worked the Basketball camps at the college and have my tuition paid for the next semester, or I could spend the summer in Florida, living and working for some friends and was promised to receive $3,000.00 cash. I chose to work in Florida for the summer. To make a long story short, at the end of the summer, I only received $1,000 of the $3,000 I was promised. That was a long trip home. I was ripped. I was lied to. I was hurt. To make matters worse, when I got back to school, I realized by not taking the basketball camp position, I lost a starting position on the ball team.
C. Jesus knew hurt. He was rejected by his own people, constantly questioned by the “authorities”, accused of being the Devil, misunderstood by his disciples, betrayed and denied by his friends, mocked, tortured and crucified by his enemies. I think He qualifies as an expert at being hurt.
D. Sermon Series: Today, we begin a new sermon series for the summer that will focus on the life of Christ and his interaction with other people. In the next few weeks, let’s look at different snapshots in the life of Christ. Let’s see Him deal with different people and let’s learn “How to Treat Others.” Philippians 2:5 says, “Your attitude should be the same as Jesus Christ.” Today, let’s learn “How to treat those who hurt me!” Since all of us have experienced personal hurt, or maybe I’m talking to some who are personally experiencing hurt, let’s learn what Jesus expects from us when dealing with people who have hurt us.
E. Today’s message doesn’t come from a specific illustration of Jesus handling being hurt, but this message comes from one of his teachings on the topic. I’ve got to confess that this was a difficult sermon to prepare ... in fact, the more I worked on it the madder I got. I’m so angry with how effective and powerful the devil really is with His tool of bitterness that results from personal hurt.
F. Listen to today’s text...Matthew 18:15-17 (Not on screen).
G. From this text, let’s understand three “MUSTS” when handling personal hurt.....
1. Anticipate it! Jesus on one occasion said, “In this world, you will have trouble!” Life in this sinful world is full of hurt. It’s unavoidable. You will be hurt. One commentator said that the word “If” in verse 15 (“If your brother sins...”) could actually be translated, “When your brother sins.”
A. Peanuts: In one Peanuts comic strip, Lucy demands that Linus change TV channels and threatens him with her fist if he doesn’t. “What makes you think you can walk right in here and take over?” asks Linus. “These five fingers,” says Lucy. “Individually they’re nothing but when I curl them together like this into a single unit, they form a weapon that is terrible to behold.” “Which channel do you want?” asks Linus. Turning away, he looks at his fingers and says, “Why can’t you guys get organized like that?” That’s the kind of world we live in! You will be hurt! B. And realize, more times than not, hurt is unintentional. Especially in the church, people usually don’t set out to purposely hurt one another, but it still happens! And often, they are unaware of it. **
2. Deal with It! Personal hurt has to be dealt with. And how we handle our hurt helps determines the level of our spiritual maturity! The way I see it you have two Biblical options.....
A. Option #1: Overlook it! If you can forgive it on the spot and never let it bother you and never talk about it again. Overlook the fault. Now, This is not the same as ignoring it and pretending it didn’t happen. Nor are we talking about repressing your feelings. It’s more of an effort to “turn the others cheek.” I know one counselor who motto is F.I.D.O– “Forgive it and drive on!” Sometimes the best thing you could do is to hold your tongue, keep your mouth shut and overlook the fault.
1. Jesus said in Matthew 5:38-41, “If someone strikes you on the right cheek, turn to him the other as well. If someone wants to sue you and take your tunic, let him have your cloak as well.” Notice the absence of revenge, no hard feelings, just a pursuit of righteousness.
2. Of course, Jesus is our beloved example...1 Peter 2:23... “When they hurled their insults at him, he did not retaliate; when he suffered, he made no threats. Instead, he entrusted himself to Him who judges justly.” He didn’t say a word– He overlooked their faults.
3. Solomon wrote.... Proverbs 17:9... “He who covers over an offense promotes love; He wrote in Proverbs19:11.... “A man’s wisdom gives him patience; it is to his glory to overlook an offense.” With some hurts, the best thing is to (FIDO) “forgive it and drive on!” When I told my dad about the $2,000.00 I did not receive that one summer. Without hesitation He said, “You’ll never see it. Forget about it. Forgive them- and go on with life!” I’m not sure that’s what I wanted to hear, but that’s what I needed to hear.
B. Option #2: Confront it! Sometimes when the hurt is a bit deeper, and your emotions cannot just overlook it, it requires action. It requires confrontation. Listen to Matthew 18:15-17.... “If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector.” Often, personal hurts need to be confronted. And realize this confrontation is not for personal vindication, but His repentance. Take hold of the following keys for confrontation..
Keys for Confrontation....
1. Prepare with prayer. Jesus said, “Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.”
2. Do it ASAP! Don’t put off the conflict for weeks or months in the hopes that it will go away. It won’t. It will only get worse as the anger and bitterness takes root in your soul. The offense tends to get blown out of proportion the longer it sits unaddressed. Ephesians 4:26– “Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry!” In Matthew 5:23, Jesus said, “If you are offering your gift at the alter and there remember your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the alter, first go be reconciled to your brother and then come offer your gift.”
3. Approach with mercy.
4. Head for restoration and reconciliation. The relationship with the offender and their spiritual maturity is more important than your hurt. Your prior commitment of forgiveness is key.
5. Begin with affirmation. Affirm the relationship. Let the person know that you are seeking to resolve the conflict, not to assign blame. Let the person know up front how much they mean to you.
6. Make observations, not accusations. That means addressing actions that have occurred, rather than pointing a finger or attacking their character. Use “I” statements instead of “you” statements. “I feel that you did me wrong” is better than “You are a liar! You don’t care about anyone but yourself!” Address what you have seen, perceived, and felt. Don’t accuse and put someone on the defensive. Take ownership of your feelings.
7. Promote resolution. The point is not to fight, win, or prove someone wrong. The point is to restore trust and harmony.
8. Express kindness...... Proof that you have forgiven him.
***Most conflicts can be resolved in this stage, if we will have the courage and care enough about another person to take that first step. But what if they offender doesn’t want to discuss it or doesn’t want to make the relationship right? Then go to the next step.
Steps toward reconciliation.
Step #1: One on one private confrontation. (Point of confrontation is not for my comfort, but for his correction.) If this fails....
Step #2: One with two or three others. These witnesses are there for the same reason; to bring reconciliation. It is not to gang up on the person! In fact, we should involve others only when going alone did not bring a healing. What are we talking about? A mediator. A neutral person. Someone who can help keep emotions in check and help clarify the issues. Someone else will help eliminate pettiness, wrong perceptions, and personal bias. If this fails....
Step #3: Tell the church. That is probably not a reference to announcing the problem from the pulpit (although in some cases this may even be necessary). The suggestion is to go through the churches leadership team and let them plead for repentance If this fails....
Step #4: Treat Him like a Pagan. Does that mean treat them like scoundrels? No. Jesus loved pagans and tax collectors. He walked in love with them in the hope of winning them over. Treat them as if they need to be evangelized all over again.
3. Forgive it! Regardless which method you choose, whether simply to overlook it or confront it, both options require your commitment and choice of forgiveness! Matthew 18:21-22 says, “Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, “Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?” Jesus answered, “I tell you, not seven times, but seventy times seven.”
A. Peter, Peter, forgiveness is not an option! Personal hurt and bitterness if not dealt with properly will destroy you. It will destroy you physically, emotionally and spiritually.. Forgiveness is the only way out! Forgiveness is not an option!
B. Listen church.... To be forgiven by God and then fail to forgive others is foolish and fatal! Listen to the pointed story Jesus told in order to illustrate this point... Read.....Matthew 18:23-35...
23 “Therefore, the kingdom of heaven is like a king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. 24 As he began the settlement, a man who owed him ten thousand talents was brought to him. 25 Since he was not able to pay, the master ordered that he and his wife and his children and all that he had be sold to repay the debt. 26 “The servant fell on his knees before him. ‘Be patient with me,’ he begged, ‘and I will pay back everything.’ 27 The servant’s master took pity on him, canceled the debt and let him go. 28 “But when that servant went out, he found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii. 0 He grabbed him and began to choke him. ‘Pay back what you owe me!’ he demanded.
29 “His fellow servant fell to his knees and begged him, ‘Be patient with me, and I will pay you back.’
30 “But he refused. Instead, he went off and had the man thrown into prison until he could pay the debt. 31 When the other servants saw what had happened, they were greatly distressed and went and told their master everything that had happened. 32 “Then the master called the servant in. ‘You wicked servant,’ he said, ‘I canceled all that debt of yours because you begged me to. 33 Shouldn’t you have had mercy on your fellow servant just as I had on you?’ 34 In anger his master turned him over to the jailers to be tortured, until he should pay back all he owed. 35 “This is how my heavenly Father will treat each of you unless you forgive your brother from your heart.”
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C. There was a man who owed his master more than one hundred million dollars. It was an impossible debt and his Master cancelled the debt and totally forgave him. Obviously without much reflection or thanksgiving, the same man runs into a friend who owes him just a couple hundred dollars and he demands immediate payment. Unable to pay on the spot, he has him thrown into jail. That is ridiculous!
D. I know you get the story... God, has forgiven every one of us millions worth and we get so bent out of shape when someone gives us a dollars worth of trouble!
E. The key to forgiveness is in this text. You have to be grounded in spiritual truth to get it..... The key is to understand your own forgiveness. We have got to give attention and reflection to how much we have been personally forgiven by God. In light of what God has forgiven us, our personal hurt is nothing! Forgiveness is no big deal when you realize how much you have been forgiven.
F. This story clearly tells us that Eternity is at stake! Listen, I want you to know that I will refuse to allow your personal hurts and attacks against me to destroy my joy, my peace and my eternity with Christ. It’s not that important. And I would encourage you to resolve to doing the same.
G. To wallow in unforgiveness and bitterness is to forget about your personal forgiveness from God and to forget your personal forgiveness from God is to forfeit it. It’s not worth it.
H. *It is said that Leonardo da Vinci, when painting the Last Supper, painted Judas’ face as the face of someone with whom he was angry. But he found that he could not paint the face of Jesus until he changed the face of Judas. Remember the Lord’s prayer: “Forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us.”
I. If you are suffering today from personal hurt– big or small, I think your Word from the Lord today is simple....., FIDO! “Forgive it and drive on!” (Yes you may need to have a session of confrontation, that’s just part of the plan for their benefit). FIDO. Have you been neglected, embarrassed, abandoned, rejected, divorced, overlooked, forgotten, insulted, criticized, ignored?– FIDO! Bitterness is not a life worth living now and it isn’t worth losing eternity. FIDO! Need help? Just focus on what God had to forgive of you. Go ahead just make a list– it will occupy your time for the next 10 years. Then, focus on what God had to do in order to forgive you. Whatever you are facing, it doesn’t even come close to the cross of Jesus.
J. Let’s end with a time of personal reflection.....
1. Maybe you have some personal hurts you would like to talk to God about.
2. Maybe you need to forget about how you’ve been hurt and start thinking about how you’ve hurt God.
