"AFFAIR-PROOFING YOUR MARRIAGE"
Exodus 20:14, Matthew 5:27-28, Hebrews 13:4
INTRODUCTION:
As you drive and see signs (common road signs)like these do you resent it or appreciate it? If you understand that D.O.T. puts those signs there for your protection due to certain road conditions you appreciate it. When you see a command like this one: “You must not commit adultery,” do you resent it or appreciate it? When you realize that God gave us that command to protect us from harm you appreciate it. You see, God’s negatives have positive purposes. And nothing tears up a family like adultery.
For some of you, the mere mention of the word "adultery" brings painful memories. I want to say as we start this discussion, that the purpose of this message is not to resurrect your past. If you have been sinned against in this manner I hope you have learned the freedom that comes from allowing Jesus Christ to help you forgive. If you have committed this sin & repented before God of it, I hope you’ve come to learn the freedom that there is in releasing your sin and guilt to the Lord. Psa.32 says, "I confessed all my sins to you.. And you forgave me! All my guilt is gone."(NLT) So today I don’t want us to focus on the past, but on the future.
If you’re married I hope you’ll receive some practical helps to not break faith with your mate.. if you’re single would you listen carefully? Because you may either be married in the future or God may give you the opportunity to help someone who is about to destroy their marriage, children and self with this incredibly devastating sin.
I. PRESCRIPTION FOR THE PROBLEM: God’s Prohibition
Let’s begin by admitting we have a problem. Today it is much easier to get married than to stay married. Our society has taken the view that there are no absolutes, that no one has the right to impose upon you any values. That is certainly true in the case of faithfulness in marriage. Statistics in our society show just how acceptable adultery has become. The Readers’ Digest reported some time ago that 50% of all husbands and 30% of all wives had participated in an extra-marital affair. In the book Secret Lovers, the findings were even higher:70% of all husbands and 50% of all wives. The results of those surveys are staggering & demonstrate how tolerable it’s become.
But God understands how painful adultery is. He knows what is best for us and wants to keep us from harm. So He says in one of our printed passages in Heb.13:4- Give honor to marriage, and remain faithful to one another in marriage. God will surely judge people who are immoral and those who commit adultery." (NLT)
So, God’s prescription for the pain that comes from unfaithfulness is to keep sex in and for marriage only. Adultery was certainly never part of God’s plan. God said in Gen. 2:24 at creation, "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife and they will become one flesh." Notice the becoming one flesh is after the uniting, which is marriage. That principle is so important to God that it is stated 4x in the Bible. Jesus added a phrase to that principle in Mt. 19:6: "“..don’t let anyone separate what God has joined together." (GW) All through the Bible it is made clear that physical intimacy with someone other than your mate is abhorrent to God. Why is this restriction so important to God? (1) God gave this prohibition to protect the sanctity of marriage. Marriage was meant to be such a special relationship that it required a life long commitment of exclusiveness and loyalty. Sex was to be expressed in a secure environment where fear and inhibitions would fade, and trust, vulnerability and communication would increase.
A man wrote: "Dear Abby, I am in love and I am having an affair with two different women other than my wife. I love my wife but I love these other women too. Please tell me what to do, but don’t give me any that morality stuff." Signed: Too much love for only one.” In this case Abby’s answer was classic. She wrote: “Dear Too much love for only one. The only difference between humans and animals is morality. Please write to a veterinarian." When God’s sexual restrictions are violated man is reduced to a mere mating animal and the marriage relationship becomes void of any profound meaning. When there is no commitment, there’s no security, no understanding of genuine love. (2) God wants to protect us and our families. Hollywood may depict adultery as exciting and glamorous. But it is a blatant lie! Those of you who have experienced it, know adultery causes great pain. Everybody loses, everybody is scarred, everybody is hurt.
II. PRACTICAL PREVENTION: God’s Protection
So, let’s spend the rest of our time talking about how to protect ourselves from this sin and it’s terrible consequences. How can we be victorious in such a permissive society? With all of the sexual inducements that advertising and entertainment keep in front of us, with all the increased opportunity, what can we do? Let’s talk about 6 steps that you can take to "affair proof your marriage."
(1) Make a commitment to God’s standard. When you accept Jesus Christ into your life you accept Him as Savior and Lord. As Savior He forgives your sins, as Lord He’s got the right to tell you how to live. And He has given us His Word and says, "I want you to live lives that are sexually pure." Psa. 119:9- "How can a young person stay pure? By obeying your word and following its rules."(NLT) So, regardless of your failures or your successes in the past, say, "Today, March 3, 2002, I make a commitment to maintain God’s standard in my life." And God’s standard found in the Bible is: sex is for marriage only! Not before nor outside of marriage. Eph. 5:3- "..among you there must not be even a hint of sexual immorality." You stay away from this at all costs!
Let’s take a look at, not an ordinary but extraordinary “Joe” in the Bible. Because Joseph, in Gen. 39, certainly exemplifies this standard. When he was the overseer over the house of Potiphar, the captain of Pharaoh’s army, Potiphar’s wife wanted him. Repeatedly she asked him to take her to bed. Now, if there was ever someone who could of rationalized giving into this sin Joseph could of. “I’m young, I’m single, I’m virile, I’m lonely, I’m in a foreign country, it’s an acceptable practice in this society, she wants it, my desires want it. I’ve been abused, my Mother died when I was young, my Father was over-indulgent, my brothers hated me, threw me in a pit to die, I just need someone to love me." He could of said all of those things but instead he said, "How could I do such a wicked thing and sin against God."(GW) What are you saying? "My husband/wife is not meeting my needs." "I’m lonely." "Surely God doesn’t want me to be miserable." It’s a sin to indulge in sex outside of marriage. So make a commitment to God’s standard.
And I want to suggest that you publicly affirm God’s standard to your mate. The first step in affair proofing your marriage is to commit to God’s standard and includes saying to your wife/husband.. "Based on what Almighty God wants and regardless of what you do.. the decisions you make, the choices you make, regardless of what happens in our marriage, I will not be unfaithful to you. That is my choice to honor our God. " That’s the starting point. And then say that to your family, your relatives, your friends... "I’ve decided no matter what, I will be faithful to my mate." Those of us that are married need to boldly say to those around us through our words and actions: "I’m not available, I’m off the market, it’s non-negotiable, don’t even think about flirting with me." We say that because first, we’ve made a commitment to God and His standard.
(2) Magnify the consequences of unfaithfulness. Just remind yourself of the devastation that accompanies sexual sin. Prov. 6:27-29- "Can a man scoop fire into his lap and not be burned? Can he walk on hot coals and not blister his feet? So it is with the man who sleeps with another man’s wife. He who embraces her will not go unpunished."(NLT) And the consequences come in a variety of ways.
Dr. David Burnette, a Christian marriage counselor wrote an article entitled, "Can a man hold fire in his lap?" He lists 10 psychological/physiological effects of adultery: 1)Deceit and lying. Covering up adultery involves constant deceit. 2)Guilt and anxiety. The guilt response is automatic and unavoidable. "Will he/she find out?" "Will I lose my children?" 3)Diminished communications. As deceit & guilt increases, communication naturally ceases. 4)Dehumanization: When one has intercourse with several partners, sex becomes an act performed strictly for one’s own pleasure and/or ego gratification. 5)The threat to the family. Nothing causes deeper anxiety or threatens the stability of a family more as does a break in the marriage bond. 6)The threat of disease. VD as well as AIDS. In fact we have now lost more Americans to AIDS than we did in Vietnam.
7) Financial Cost: Immorality is expensive! How much does it cost to keep a mistress? 8) The threat of physical harm. Frustration and jealousy can lead to abuse. 9)The loss of values. The breaking of the marital bond leads to a rapid breakdown of other values. 10)It can cost your life. Solomon, in Prov. 7, talking about a man who followed an adulterous woman said, "He followed her at once, like an ox going to the slaughter or like a trapped stag.. He was like a bird flying into a snare, little knowing it would cost him his life." How many crimes of passion, have been committed because of adultery? Nothing damages like sexual sin.
(3) Mind your mind. Please understand this critical spiritual principle: the battle begins in the mind. That is why Jesus basically says in Matt. 5:27-28- "I want you to look deeper then just the action of adultery which you know is wrong, I want you to look at how you think about sex. And if you are lusting after others, then you are thinking wrongly." Every affair begins in the mind! Every one! I believe that one of the biggest problems Christians have is that they don’t think that guarding our minds is such a big deal. Sometime take a look at those scriptures we have printed for you under this point. God over and over again says, “Guard your mind.” We need to be very careful in what we watch, read, listen to. The Bible warns us that what you think about you will eventually feel and what you feel you will eventually act on. Rom. 16:19- "I want you to be wise about what is good and innocent about evil." I find it frightening that so many Christians are the exact opposite. We are so wise and knowledgeable about what is evil and innocent about what is pure. It is so critical that we mind our minds.
(4) Maintain your marriage partnership. One reason affairs develop is because the marriage relationship breaks down. We must nurture our marriages like delicate plants. That’s why I want to invite my wife up here with me to address this point and the next, so the gals can hear from “one of their own” about these principles. Would you welcome my wife and best friend, Deb.
Dr. Willard Harley wrote a book entitled, His Needs, Her Needs. We have an original edition presently in the library. Through years of study & interviewing couples Harley identified the top 5 needs of most men & women. While we give these lists to you ask yourself what similarities you see between them. Deb will begin by giving you the women’s list.
DEB: Ladies, here are the top five needs that Dr. Harley identified for us. 1. Affection; 2. Conversation - Any you men surprised by that one? Ladies, all you have to do is listen to one phone conversation by a man to know they don’t need conversation like we do. “Huh-h,” “No,” “Fine,” “Ok,” and their done! #3 is Honesty/ Openness; 4. Financial Support; 5. Family Commitment.
TIM: Now guys, here are the top 5 needs of men: 1- Sexual Fulfillment. Any you ladies surprised by that one? I heard a wife say the other day upon hearing that: “That’s no big surprise to anyone married over 10 minutes.” 2. Admiration; 3. Attractive spouse; 4. Recreation companionship (someone to do something with); 5. Domestic support. Now, did you hear any similarities between those two lists? No. It’s no wonder we have so much trouble adjusting to marriage. Men come into marriage thinking they’ve married someone very much like them and so they go about trying to meet the needs they think their wife has which of course are like their own. And they get very frustrated when she doesn’t respond to sex, admiration & recreation.
DEB: Ladies we’re no different. Most women come into marriage thinking they’ve married someone very much like themselves and set about to meet the needs they think their man should have and don’t for the life of them understand why the guy doesn’t respond to affection, conversation and the like. The solution to this chasm is to get serious about determining what your spouse needs. How do you do that? By talking about it! This is very important in all walks of life, emotional, financial, even our partner’s sexual needs. Did you realize that even our sexual relationships with our mates are spiritual? Listen to: 1 Cor. 7:5: "Do not cheat each other of normal sexual intercourse.. or you will expose yourselves to the obvious temptation of Satan." (Phillips)
TIM: We must recognize that our entire relationship with our spouse including our sexual one is a spiritual responsibility. Find out your partners needs and say, "With God’s help, I am going to be what my partner needs."
(5) Manage your non-marital relationships properly. As a general rule people do not fall into sudden immorality, so be alert to how affairs start. Do you realize that most affairs occur between friends, co-workers or family members. So here is a list for first the gals and then the gals of how to manage your non-marital relationships properly. Might be helpful to write them down. First the ladies:
DEB: (a) Be careful what you wear. Ladies, let’s face it.. Men are visual, women are verbal. There is one single issue of a particular magazine that out-sells all single issues by 2 to 1 every year. Can you name it? That’s right.. Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Edition. (And that’s as much of it you guys are going to see here!) It isn’t women that are making those profits skyrocket! Ladies, men are aroused by what they see much more than we are. You may have desired a certain level of enticement when you were single (although that’s another message) but as a married woman you are to be enticing to your husband and husband alone. Ladies, please read this out loud with me- “I want women to show their beauty by dressing in appropriate clothes that are modest and respectable. Their beauty will be shown by what they do..”(1 Tim. 2:9 - GW)
(b) I’ll include this for women but it’s really applicable for both. Don’t tell or listen to marriage problems from the opposite sex. It is so tempting to think that you can be a good listener or sympathetic. But ladies don’t get involved in allowing a man tell you all about the bad things his wife does or how he’s disappointed in his wife. And don’t you begin to tell some man about how bad it is at home. It makes for very vulnerable ground. You can begin to think.. "Gee, I’d never treat you like that." Or his answers may make you think, “Wow, he’s the kind of guy I need.” It can become intimate very quickly. Steer them to a same sex counselor.
(c) Be careful of your talk and actions. Ladies, do not go fishing for compliments from men other than your husband. Don’t go out to eat alone or do anything that might give off a signal that you are available, because it makes you feel good or “alive.” Now, if you’re single, this is okay. We call it "flirting." You can wink, you can hold a look. But if you’re married flirting is over! It is a game that you no longer participate in. It is illegitimate for you to seek an emotional boost from someone other than your husband. Talk to him about better meeting that need. And watch the contact with other guys. No full-bodies hugs.. make them side to side. No allowing a man to put his arm around your waist.. If that happens just move away gracefully. Ladies, God has created men in such a way that we can wrap them around our fingers when it comes to this area. You make sure that the only one you have “wrapped around your finger” is your husband. Seriously, remember Eph. 5:3.. “Let there not be even a hint of sexual immorality among you.” Thank-you for listening.
TIM: Now for the Men. (a)Watch how you compliment women. Do not personalize your compliments. Do not say: "You look so good in that dress." That’s too personal! Say: "Nice dress." Or, if you’re unsure what to say, say nothing in terms of compliments. Better that than give the wrong signal." (b) Be aware of any "sense of electricity" that arises between you and another. Sometimes you can be in a group and notice another person, who notices you and there can be this small spark that occurs. You have two choices in that moment. Move into it- or- Move away from it.. Remember, sparks start fires and your home fires are too important to God and you to mess with this. (c) Avoid prolonged stares. Be careful how long you catch someone’s eye and hold it. This can signal interest. And avoid a lingering touch. Most of us know what is an appropriate touch and what is not. And it is a dead give away if someone has an opportunity to hug you or hold your hand and they do so but do it too long or in a way that makes you uncomfortable. I know of a couple, in the church, whose affair began with something as harmless as holding hands in a weekly prayer circle! They felt the spark and worked it so they would always hold each others hands.. wrong, wrong, wrong! "Don’t allow there to be a HINT of sexual immorality."
(6) Minimize the opportunities that make you vulnerable. Recognize the circumstances that turn you on, that weaken your standards. 1 Cor. 10:12- "So be careful! If you are thinking,`Oh, I would never behave like that - let this be a warning to you. For you too may fall into sin.."(LB) Be aware of warning signs of temptation in your life so you can bale out early. When you say "It never can happen to me," you have not understood that God has said, "The heart is deceitful above all things." Anyone, in the right circumstances can fall. Here’s a couple of things to think about: Choose couples to socialize with who are committed to their marriage; try to limit business trips; when you go take a picture of your wife and kids and take them out first! Call home every day! Don’t unless unavoidable have lunches or dinners with the opposite sex alone. Watch your work place.. The workplace is the "hotbed" for romance. Everyone looks good.. you don’t see them in curlers and sick and vomiting! You see them at their best. It can even happen in church offices! It breaks my heart to see the number of Christian leaders that fall in this area. That’s why we have windows in all our doors. It’s why, our ministers will not counsel the opposite sex alone at night. That’s not because we don’t trust you, but we are jealous for the integrity of this church! So, watch the workplace.
Let me close by saying a word to you that may be caught up in this very sin today. May I encourage you by telling you that there is a pathway back to purity. There is hope. You can come to Jesus Christ for complete cleansing. I know it’s terrible but adultery doesn’t have to kill a marriage. Do 3 things: (1) Acknowledge the sin. Fall on your knees. Stop rationalizing and repent. It’s time to admit it.. Sexual immorality is unacceptable to God. Sex before marriage is unacceptable to God. It always has been, always will be. Living together without marriage is unacceptable to God.. always has been, always will be. Adultery is unacceptable to God, it always has been, it always will be. And if any of these are your sins then you need to know that Jesus Christ and this church stands ready to help you and forgive you. (2) End the relationship immediately! Today! You do that by (3) Avoiding all contact with the person from now on. You need to end the relationship cold turkey. No more letters, phone calls, visits. If it means changing jobs, do it! If it means changing churches, do it! Better to do that then lose your soul. That’s why Jesus said "If your right eye causes you to sin, take it out and throw it away. It is better to lose one part of your body than to have your whole body thrown into hell."(Mt. 5:29- NCV)Do whatever it takes to break it off!
In John 8 the Jewish leaders bring Jesus a woman caught in the very act of adultery. The law said she should be stoned but Jesus said to her accusers, "You who have no sin, cast the first stone." No one could and they left her with Jesus. There she is, alone with the Savior. Not one harsh word comes from His lips. Instead He says gently, "Woman, where are they? Has no one stayed to condemn you?" She says, "No, one Lord." He said, "Neither do I condemn you, go and sin no more." And the same acceptance that Jesus gave her is available for each of us. He’ll wash you white as snow. But there’s also a certain standard by which we are to live. “Go & sin no more.”
Maybe you’ve not violated this particular sin. But the Bible says, "All have sinned and come short of the glory of God.." But it also says, “..if we freely admit that we have sinned, we find God utterly reliable.. He forgives our sin and makes us thoroughly clean from all evil.”(1 Jn. 1:9 - Phillips) Everyone of us needs Jesus’ forgiveness. He simply asks that you place yourself in the Potter’s hand, allowing Him to mold you and make you into what He would have you be. If you do, it’ll be the best decision you’ve ever made.
Prayer of commitment... REPEAT to yourself.. “God help me control my thoughts & my actions...” “Lord, help me to accept Your Standard & live by it.”
(Take mate’s hand - touch her in some way) “Today, I promise to You and this one You gave me.. To remain pure and faithful with Your help.” Jesus name, Amen.”
