Changed Roles
Our roles from husband and wife seem to change quite drastically when we become parents. We will try to cover this subject as carefully as possible. We absolutely, as parents, have to understand that we not only teach, but that we must guide by example. This topic is extremely hard for me. I know when my children were growing up, I was not much of an example for them to live by. I have since learned the importance of love and of leading by example.
We must also understand that it is through teamwork that we raise children. Many lives were affected as I was journeying along my own path of life. Not only relationships, but even as a parent. I believe I gave my children an ungodly view of life. I often times now worry about this because if my sons follow my example not only would they fail as fathers, they will also fail as husbands. They will make the same mistakes I did and have no real love and respect for others. This of course will also bleed over into their role as fathers. Their children will, unfortunately, learn the same things and the vicious circle will continue. I have vowed to myself and have promised God that I will be a better man and a better parent.
I believe I was a horrible person. I never respected women and others and as such sought to destroy everything good that God brought into my life. This message is serving two purposes. One, to reveal to you a little about me. The other is to teach you how to be the parent and husband that I wasn’t. In my testimony I touched on a few points of my life. Today, I want to go a little deeper than I have revealed before. Back in 1985 I was married to a wonderful woman. God had given me the opportunity to find true happiness and to also have a complete life. Through the love of this woman I should have become a great man. However, due to my own choices, I destroyed that hope. The truth of the matter is that I did not deserve her then and probably do not deserve her now. I believe I have learned the lessons.
Let’s get to the meat of this message. We are instructed to instruct our children in the way of the Lord (Eph 6:4). We are told that fathers are the primary responsible party to instruct the children. I would like to take this approach here. The family is like a sports team. You have the owner (Fathers), the coaches (Mothers), and then the players (Children). The father is the owner and works with the mother, the coach, to teach the team.
It is important here that we understand that we have the responsibility to rear our children in a Godly way. We must learn to discipline through love. You see in Heb 12:5-11 we are taught that the Lord disciplines those He loves. Also we are told that it is meant to be painful for a time. This is not saying we are to abuse the children, but we are to discipline them. (training that corrects, molds, or perfects the mental faculties or moral character ) It is through discipline that we harvest righteousness and peace. It is through discipline we are trained. We are to learn and then teach the ways of the Lord. God even disciplines from time to time. But that is another subject all together.
The family is a gift from God and should be treated as we would a gift. We talk about gifting in so many different ways. We may have the gift of prophecy, the gift of tongues, or the gift to preach or teach. Then we have the gift of parenthood. I for one took this gift and abused it. I never learned from the discipline until is was too late. Now I can look back on my life and I can see my mistakes. I have sought forgiveness from God and have asked him for the wisdom I did not have then. I often remember the term “If I Knew Then What I Know Now”. I believe I would have been a better father and a better husband. I am one who took the word submit and perverted it into my own little word. It was a submission of one’s mind, body, and soul to my torture. It was my way of controlling one and dominating their every move. Now I know that submission is a Godly word. It is not domination, but rather a submission of serving. It is through this submission one submits the mind to serving and caring for others. It is through this submission that the heart follows the mind. It is only through submission that we learn to truly love and by loving we set the example for others to live by.
I believe I did not set a good example. Many times I showed my children the exact opposite of what they should do. I am thankful today that, through the grace of God, He saved me and continues to teach me. It is only by His grace that I am where I am today. It is also through His loving discipline that I have seen my errors and wrongs. And now He uses me to teach others and help them to not make the same mistakes.
It was by my choices that my life is where it is today. It is by my own decisions that I destroyed marriage after marriage, walked out on my kids, abused wives and children, including step-children. Today as I reflect back on my life, there are so many things I wish I had done differently. However, I cannot change these things. All I can do is take from the lessons learned and move forward. It is very important for you to understand that our children will, absolutely, learn from our example. If we set an example of violence, pain, cruelty, disrespect and ungodliness they will also learn these things. If we set an example of love, nurturing, caring, respect and godliness they may, with God’s grace, also learn this.
Our children are the leaders of tomorrow. Therefore, we need to be very careful as to what we teach them. We need to teach them godly values through our words as well as our example. We need to be the leader that we want them to be.
In summary, Eph talks about the fathers role as "owner". We also see the mother as a "coach". The "owner" and the "coach" are to discuss the game plan and the "coach" initiates it on the field. The "owner" follows through with the "coach" and then together they follow through with the "players". Remember, the "owner" is not a dictator, merely the leader. It is with the understanding that he is led by God, that together they design a game plan. If the values, given to us by God, are followed, then the outcome will be a family living a fulfilling and powerful life.
Pastor David Azbell
