Why is it such a compliment to tell a woman she looks like a breath of spring, but not to tell her she looks like the end of hard winter? Isn’t it the same thing?
Why does it please a woman to say time stands still when you look into her face, but not to say her face would stop a clock?
Why do people punish a child for lying and yet tell the same child, "Just say I’m not home."
Why, when the preacher says, "In closing..." doesn’t he?
Why does a speaker who "needs no introduction" get one anyway?
It seems curious. Of all the things that peak my curiosity and cause me to stop and wonder, one of the questions that I simply have not been able to come up with an answer to is why so many people are looking for meaningful relationships and yet so few actually find them. It seems everyone wants a friend, but few people actually have real “friends.” We are becoming an increasingly private society and it seems that fewer people than ever actually have life-long intimate friends any more.
Statistics tell us that most people are lucky if they have one “close friend” in their lifetime. And with the fact that Americans are moving from place to place more now than ever before it becomes very difficult to make and keep such a friend.
As we continue in our series Insights from the Life of David, this week our text is the story of David and Jonathan, true friends. What we discover in this week’s scripture lesson is a relationship that most of us could only hope to have. A intimate friendship.
As I began my studies this week I looked to Webster to see how he defined a friend. I like the second definition under the word friend, it’s in your outlines: a friend is “a person on the same side in a struggle; one who is not an enemy or foe; ally.”
A British publication once offered a prize for the best definition of a friend. Among the thousands of answers received were the following:
- “One who multiplies joys, divides grief, and whose honesty is inviolable.”
- “One who understands our silence.”
- “A volume of sympathy bound in cloth.”
- “A watch that beats for all time and never runs down.”
The winning definition read: “A friend is the one who comes in when the whole world has gone out.”[1]
Isn’t that the truth? By that definition most of us have many acquaintances but few if any real friends. That’s what leads us to our story this week: David had a friend who like that definition came in when the world had gone out.
Last week, you’ll remember our story turned to a rather difficult time in David’s life. Things had been real good for a while: as a teenager he had been anointed as the next King, he had killed Goliath, he had been working in the King’s Court and he had been very successful in his leadership of the King’s military. But the more successful he became the more King Saul despised him, to the point where the King tried to kill David. David had escaped the King’s attempts at murder more than once and as of our reading this week he’s on the run.
We don’t know for sure when David wrote the words of the 23rd Psalm, but you’ve got to wonder if it was during this time, because in verse 4 of that Psalm he says, “even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil…” At this point David was in grave danger. The King had a contract out on him. This time in his life was more than likely the worst thing he had ever faced.
Some of you know what he felt like. I’m talking about those valleys in our lives that take us lower than we’ve ever been before. The ones where we feel as if we just can’t go on and that the whole world has caved in on us. Some of you are there now.
It was during this period of David’s life that God showed his faithfulness and his love for David by providing Jonathan, a true friend.
The beginning of our scripture lesson today introduced us to Jonathan, King Saul’s Son, who immediately took a liking to David and we’re told, was bound to his soul. As you’ll see in the next few minutes, God used Jonathan to meet the needs of David as he journeyed through this dark valley.
One of the things that’s amazing about this entire story is that while the hatred of Saul for David was growing every day, David was surrounded by others who loved him. We’re told that the Israelites loved him, that the King’s son Jonathan loved him, and that the King’s daughter loved him (in fact, when the text says in I Samuel 18:20 that Saul’s daughter Michal loved David, it’s the only place in the Hebrew scripture where a woman is said to love a man). In the midst of this darkest hour of David’s life, while Saul’s hatred for David burned within him, everyone else was growing more and more fond of David.
If you were with us last week you might recall me making this statement: the closer you get to becoming the man or woman God wants you to be the more enemies you’ll create. We discovered this was the case with David and Saul. And while that’s true, something else is true as well (it’s in your outline this morning): The closer we get to becoming the man or woman God wants us to be the more attractive we become to others. This is exactly why Saul became such an enemy of David: because David was gaining popularity with everyone around him and stealing the attention away from Saul.
There was a reason why Jonathan and his sister both were drawn to David – because David was a young man of exemplary character whose integrity and honor shone through so that those with whom he came in contact wanted to spend time with him.
Have you ever been around a person like that? These are the kind of people that we want to be friends with and who make friends much more easily because they’re attractive on the inside and make excellent friends.
When you and I grow in the image of Jesus Christ, when we begin to evidence the fruits of the Holy Spirit in our lives, when we, because of what’s on the inside become different on the outside we will begin to draw people to ourselves. There will be something attractive about us that has nothing to do with external appearances.
But the converse is also true: there are a lot of people today who have no friends because they’re just plain ugly on the inside and it shows through to the outside. If we want a friend then the contemporary proverb is true: to have a friend you’ve got to be a friend. We’ve got to be the kind of people with whom others want to be friends.
If you’re hungering for a close friend, or for deeper intimacy in a relationship that you already have then there’s a lot that you can learn from the story of David and Jonathan. I want to look at four characteristics of intimate friendship as exemplified by their relationship and then talk about three simple things that we can do to develop such relationships.
The first characteristic of intimate friendship is this: an intimate friend is willing to sacrifice.
Look at the sacrifice Jonathan made for his friend David in our story today. We’re told that he stripped himself of the robe he was wearing and gave it to David along with his armor, his sword, his bow, and his belt. Jonathan’s actions were a lot more than just a generous personal gesture. The robe symbolizes the kingdom. Jonathan was the potential heir to his father’s throne, but now we see him sacrificing his future for David. He literally gives David his place as King.
Sacrifice is the ultimate example of intimate friendship.
The Make-A-Wish Foundation has been granting the wishes of children with life-threatening illnesses since 1980. Most commonly, children wish to meet a celebrity, shake the hand of the president, or go to Disney World.
But Mak Shulist, a critically ill nine-year-old, wished to enrich the lives of others. He got the Make-A-Wish Foundation to build something for his friends: a rock-climbing wall on the playground of Ellisville Elementary School before a brain tumor took Mak’s life on April 9th of this year.
Dave Knes, principal at the 600-student school in suburban Ellisville said, "We learned a lesson from a nine-year-old—that even when we’re going through tough times we should be thinking of other people and not ourselves."
What young Mak illustrated is that true friendship means a willingness to sacrifice for each other. It’s the ability to put another’s needs, desires, and wishes above those of our own. Ultimately it’s what Jesus showed when he laid down his life for us reminding us of his word’s in John 15:13 that “No one has greater love than this: to lay down one’s life for a friend.” Sacrifice is the ultimate example of intimate friendship.
The second characteristic of intimate friendship is that an intimate friend is a loyal defense before others.
We’re told that Jonathan went to his father and spoke well of David. He stood up to his dad and said, “Dad, you’re wrong about David.” In fact, not only did he defend his friend, but he also rebuked his father for his attitude toward David. He says, “Don’t sin against David, he hasn’t done anything wrong to you, in fact, everything he’s done has helped you. Don’t you remember? He risked his life fighting Goliath and when he won, you were happy. Why are you going to kill him when he’s innocent?”
What a friend Jonathan was! In fact, Jonathan was so convincing that his father agreed that he was right and the text tells us that things were as they once had been. David was brought back into the palace and everything was cool again for some time.
A true friend is a loyal defense before others. A true friend won’t talk about you when you’re not around. True friends stick up for each other and defend each other when others attack.
In his first seasons with the Brooklyn Dodgers, Jackie Robinson, the first black man to play Major League baseball, faced hatred nearly everywhere he traveled--fastballs at his head, spikings on the bases, brutal nicknames from the opposing dugouts and from the crowds. During one game in Boston, the taunts and racial slurs seemed to reach a peak. In the midst of this, another Dodger, a Southern white named Pee Wee Reese, called timeout. He walked from his position at shortstop toward Robinson at second base, put his arm around Robinson’s shoulder, and stood there with him for what seemed like an eternity. The gesture spoke more eloquently than the words: This man is my friend.
A true friend is a loyal defense before others.
The third characteristic of intimate friendship is that intimate friends give each other complete freedom to be themselves.
I think this is one of the best signs to determine if a couple is compatible for marriage. Do they have freedom to be themselves? There’s something very comforting about being with someone around whom you feel at ease because you know that they accept you for who you are.
In an intimate friendship you don’t have to explain why you do what you do. You just do it.
In I Samuel 20:41 Jonathan had just given David the sign that things were not ok in the palace, that his dad was going to kill David, and David and Jonathan were forced to say goodbye as David would then take off to hide.
The text tells us that they wept together.
When your heart is broken, you can bleed all over a friend like this and he’ll understand. He won’t try to comfort you in your misery or tell you to straighten up.
When my son died two and a half years ago I had a very close friend who told me, “If you need me, anytime of the day or night, just call.” I took him up on that offer the night after Isaac died. I found myself on the back deck crying in the middle of the night and I really needed someone to just be there with me, someone who I didn’t have to pretend to be strong for. Someone who would accept the wreck that I was and who wouldn’t think any less of me for it. He came and sat beside me in silence that night as I cried.
That’s what an intimate friend is like. Intimate friends let each other hurt. They weep together. If your friend needs to complain, listen. Intimate friends don’t bale, they stay. Intimate friends allow you to be yourself no matter what self looks like.
The final characteristic of intimate friendship that is exemplified in the relationship between David and Jonathan is that an intimate friend is a constant source of encouragement.
Later on in the story when the King’s men discovered where David was and Saul went out to kill him we’re told that Jonathan went to David and encouraged him in God. Think of that. Jonathan’s dad is after David, they’re out in the wilderness looking for him and the hit man’s own son goes out and finds his friend and encourages him. That’s the kind of friend to have. He sees David at the lowest moment of his life, frightened and stumbling through the wilderness and he brings him encouragement. “There’ll be a brighter day some day, but right now I’m here with you, no matter what.”
One of the Peanuts comic sequences shows Linus having just written a comic strip of his own, and he wants Lucy’s opinion. In the first frame, he tentatively hands Lucy his comic strip and says, "Lucy, would you read this and tell me if you think it is funny?"
In the next frame, you see Lucy patting her foot, and a little bit of a grin comes across her face. She looks at Linus and says, "Well, Linus, who wrote this?"
Linus with his chest heaved out and a great big grin says, "Lucy, I wrote that."
In the next frame, you see Lucy wadding it up, throwing it to the side, and saying, "Well, then, I don’t think it’s very funny."
In the final frame, you see Linus picking up his comic strip, throwing his blanket over his shoulder, looking at Lucy and saying, "Big sisters are the crab grass in the lawn of life."
We find that humorous. I dare say if you and I thought long and hard enough, we’d remember being the crab grass in the lawn of somebody else’s life. None of us wants to be a loser. None of us wants to be a source of discouragement. And yet, if we’re not careful, we can find ourselves being more pessimistic than optimistic, more discouraging than encouraging.
There’s enough crab grass in our lives already. What we need is some encouragement. True, intimate friends bring encouragement not negativity.
I don’t about you, but when I look at the kind of friendship that David and Jonathan has, it makes me long for that same intimacy in my own friendships. I mean, how many of us can actually say that we have a friend like that? Or how many of us can say that we are a friend like that?
As we close here are three practical steps to take to develop a David/Jonathan relationship in your own life.
First of all Ask God for a Jonathan. We have a tendency to underemphasize the power of prayer. Jesus said, “Ask and it will be given to you, seek and you shall find.” God wants us to have these kind of relationships in our lives. And if we begin asking for a Jonathan and asking God to turn us into Jonathans our prayers will be answered. God wants to provide intimacy for you in the form of a friend and the best place to begin looking for it is by asking God. In the same way as God provided Jonathan for David in the most difficult season of his life, so too will he provide a Jonathan for you if you’ll only ask.
Second, When you find him/her commit to that friendship for life. True intimate friendship takes time. It doesn’t happen over night. It’s something that takes commitment and longevity.
We’re told that Jonathan made a covenant with David. A covenant, as we’ve discussed before is a relationship that is entered into and held in high esteem. It’s more than a contract.
I see too many fair-weathered friends. People who are friends for a season but then have it out and go their separate ways. Intimate friends are those who stay together and work things out. If you want to have that kind of relationship then you’ve got to commit to it for life.
Proverbs 17:17 says that “A friend loves at all times.”
How many of you remember the Carole King song, You’ve Got a Friend?
”You just call out my name, and you know wherever I am, I’ll come runnin’, to see you again. Winter, Spring, Summer, or Fall, all you got to do is call, and I’ll be there, yes I will. You’ve got a friend.”
The idea of the song is that a friend is always available.
Several years ago Steve Martin was a guest on Saturday Night Live and he did this incredibly funny bit about the Carole King song.
In the sketch, Steve Martin is walking the Carole King character back from a date. He asks to come in, but Carole says that she’s busy trying to finish a song and can’t take anymore time that evening.
He gives up, and decides to just hang out outside Carole’s apartment building. Next you see Carole through her window at her piano.
All of a sudden, a couple guys come up and mug Steve Martin, stabbing him, and leaving him for dead.
Just then, Carole starts the chorus, “You just call out my name…”
And Steve Martin starts screaming, “Carole! Carole!” But she can’t hear him because she is singing.
Finally a commentator comes on, and says that Carole was so touched by the tragedy of her friend that she wrote her next hit, “It’s Too Late, Baby.”
True friends are there when we need them, any time because they’re committed to you for the long run.
The final practical step to take in developing this kind of friendship is to Be a friend that is Good for another. That sounds kind of simplistic but think about it. When I was a child my parents were very selective about who I spent time with. They didn’t want me around kids who would be a bad influence on me.
We’re all looking for these kind of friendships but are we the kind of people that others want to be friends with? Will others be better because they’ve spent time with us? Proverbs 27:17 says that as “Iron sharpens iron, one man sharpens the wits of another.” Are you the kind of person that sharpens your friends?
That’s the kind of friend that Jonathan was. Jonathan made David a better person. He encouraged him and helped him spiritually. He was good for David.
This week marked the box office release of Shrek II the sequel to the animated movie Shrek which celebrates the worth of society’s undervalued people. It revolves around a boorish ogre, Shrek, who finds a friend in a talking donkey (voiced by Eddie Murphy) and unexpectedly falls in love with a princess (voiced by Cameron Diaz), whom he rescues from a castle. This fairytale spoof emphasizes how humans place too much importance on outward appearances.
After freeing the princess, Shrek and Donkey escort her back to the village in keeping with the prince’s orders. Because the journey is long, they decide to camp out. Around the campfire, Donkey talks to Shrek about what life will be like once they return to Shrek’s home, a humble swamp.
Looking up at the sky, Donkey asks, "Hey Shrek, what are we going to do when we get back to our swamp, anyway?"
"Our swamp?" Shrek challenges. "There’s no our. There’s just me and my swamp, and the first thing I’m going to do is build a ten-foot wall around my land."
Donkey is surprised. He thought they had developed a friendship that would result in sharing their lives and possessions once the quest was over.
"You cut me deep, Shrek!" Donkey confesses. "You cut me real deep just now. You know what I think? This whole wall thing is just a way to keep somebody out."
The two argue and exchange verbal jabs. At last Donkey asks, "Who are you trying to keep out? Just tell me that, okay?"
"Everyone! Okay?" Shrek exclaims.
"Hey, what’s your problem, Shrek? What you got against the whole world, anyway?"
The huge ogre seems almost childlike as he candidly explains, "I’m not the one with the problem. It’s the whole world that seems to have a problem with me. People take one look at me and go ’Ahhh! Help! Run! It’s a big, stupid, ugly ogre!’ They judge me before they even know me. That’s why I’m better off alone."
Donkey joins Shrek and says, "You know what? When we first met, I didn’t think you were just a big, stupid, ugly ogre."
"Yeah, I know," Shrek acknowledges with gratitude. For the first time he realizes someone has looked beyond his outward appearance and accepted him.
There’s an awful lot of people running around today with the attitude of Shrek. People who’ve isolated themselves from the rest of the world out of fear. Maybe you’re one of them. There’s good news: it can be different. You can have the kind of intimate friendship that David and Jonathan shared. You don’t have to be alone any longer.
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[1] Bits & Pieces. July, 1991.
