THE MARRIAGE COUNSELOR
I Corinthians 7:1-16
S: Marriage (sexual health)
C: To live within your call
Th: Live the Difference
Pr: We are to be satisfied in our calling.
?: Where?
KW: Situations
TS: We will find in our study of I Corinthians 7:1-16 situations in which we are to be satisfied with God’s calling on our lives.
The _____ situation involves the…
I. MARRIED (2-5)
II. SINGLE (6-9)
III. DIVORCED (10-11)
IV. UNBELIEVING (12-16)
PA:
· Please God.
· Please God by being satisfied in your calling.
· Stay in the condition you are, if possible.
Version: ESV
RMBC 23 May 04 AM
INTRODUCTION:
ILL Notebook: Marriage (Pillsbury)
While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Jim and his wife listened to the instructor declare: "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."
He addressed the men: "For instance, gentlemen, can you name your wife’s favorite flower?"
Jim leaned over, touched his wife’s arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn’t it?"
The rest of the story is not pleasant.
Have you ever noticed that we don’t always get our relationships right?
I am sure that many of you husbands and wives have said something you wish you could take back.
You said something that did not sit well with your spouse.
And if it was really bad, you are reminded from time to time with, “Remember when you said…”
To this day, you haven’t been able to live it down.
Whenever you are in trouble, your spouse proves to be an accurate historian.
TRANSITION:
Well, I want to remember a little history from last week.
You may remember that…
1. Last week, we recognized that the use of our bodies is a matter of worship.
Our bodies are not separate entities from our soul and spirit.
No, it is a package deal.
Therefore, we are to glorify God with our bodies.
As Paul would later say to the Roman church…
I appeal to you therefore, brothers, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and acceptable to God, which is your spiritual worship.
So this means that what we do with our bodies is important.
And when it comes to our sexuality, we need to follow the advice we heard last week from Randy Alcorn’s book, The Purity Principle, where he says this…
“Purity is always smart; impurity is always stupid.”
We are to practice purity with our bodies so that we can live lives characterized by holiness; so that we can live the difference we are called to live as Christians.
You see…
2. To “live the difference” means that we practice sexuality the way God designed it.
Please remember that our sexuality is not bad or evil.
Far from it!
God has created it.
He has blessed it.
He has called it good.
But if it is to be truly enjoyed, it must be practiced in the way the Designer has made it.
Otherwise, it just doesn’t work.
Now…that was a brief historical summary of last week’s study.
3. As we move to the 7th chapter, Paul is answering a question from the church about the state of marriage.
He is, in effect, a marriage counselor.
So, Paul starts out this way…
Now concerning the matters about which you wrote: "It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman."
For the first six chapters, Paul has been giving answers about situations that have been reported to him.
Now, beginning with this chapter and verse, he is answering specific questions that have been put to him.
The first question is about a practice that has sprung up in the Corinthian church.
You will remember that the culture of Corinth was rather sex-crazed.
Some in the church had become completely reactive to this by shunning sexuality altogether – following another popular Greek philosophy – ascetism, which was the opposite of the typical hedonistic ways of most of the residents of Corinth.
In fact, some had come to the conclusion that Paul quotes here in verse 1, that it is good for a man not to have a sexual relationship with a woman.
They have taken this ascetic position toward sex and marriage.
They have decided to refrain, believing that it was better not to have any sexual expression at all, and to become sexually neutral like the angels.
Perhaps this is a hard concept for us to understand because we don’t tend to be ascetic.
If we copy the Greeks in anything, it’s in hedonism – seeking pleasure for ourselves – and especially sexual pleasure.
Now before you say, perhaps this concept of abstinence isn’t such a bad idea, understand how these Corinthian Christians were applying it.
For, they were not arguing for abstinence outside of marriage (which is proper), but in marriage.
They were giving up sexual expression altogether in order to live so-called more spiritual lives.
This became so important to some that if the sexual expression became too hard to avoid, their conclusion was that one should just get divorced, especially if the spouse is an unbeliever.
As we will see in just a moment, Paul is going to be quick to challenge this conclusion.
For what Paul does through this entire chapter is to encourage us to be satisfied.
That is,…
4. WE ARE TO BE SATISFIED IN OUR CALLING.
Paul wants each Christian to abide in the calling that God has placed on their lives.
Simply, his advice was, “Stay as you are.”
So…
5. We will find in our study of I Corinthians 7:1-16 four situations in which we are to be satisfied with God’s calling on our lives.
OUR STUDY:
I. The first situation involves the MARRIED (2-5).
(2) But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. (3) The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. (4) For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. (5) Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.
Well, here we find that…
1. Sexual expression is a legitimate right in the marriage relationship.
What some of these believers were doing was misunderstanding and a misapplication of the nature and design of marriage.
As far as Paul was concerned, this was in direct violation of God’s command to be fruitful and multiply.
Not only that, sexual expression between marriage partners is meant to be a pleasurable experience, increasing the intimacy between the two.
You see, sexual expression is not the opposite of a holy life.
Rather, it is the protection of a holy life.
Expressing our sexuality within the marriage bond is a mysterious obligation that is both sacred and proper.
For the body of the individual spouse is not one’s free possession.
The emphasis in the marital vow is not what you will give to me, but rather in what I give to you.
The emphasis is not on “You owe me,” but “I owe you.”
Eugene Peterson expresses this well in his translation “The Message” (3-4):
The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality — the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to "stand up for your rights." Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out.
God created sexuality it to be the expression and experience of love on the deepest human level and to be a beautiful and powerful bond between husband and wife.
And as I said before, intimacy protects.
For…
2. Sexual expression guards against straying.
Paul wants us to understand that here should not be a frustration or temptation to cheat in the marital bonds.
There should be no reason to have roaming eyes.
There should be no reason for the craving of a gentle touch.
Sexual expression should be frequent enough that there is no thought or entertainment of looking elsewhere.
It is the same kind of advice that we find Solomon in Proverbs 5:15-20; this is again from “The Message”…
Do you know the saying, "Drink from your own rain barrel,
draw water from your own spring-fed well"?
It’s true. Otherwise, you may one day come home
and find your barrel empty and your well polluted.
Your spring water is for you and you only,
not to be passed around among strangers.
Bless your fresh-flowing fountain!
Enjoy the wife you married as a young man!
Lovely as an angel, beautiful as a rose —
don’t ever quit taking delight in her body.
Never take her love for granted!
Why would you trade enduring intimacies for cheap thrills with a whore?
for dalliance with a promiscuous stranger?
Paul drives the point here…
Stop depriving and taking away what rightfully belongs to another.
The word here really has a meaning that if one holds back the sexual expression, it is cheating the spouse.
Now, this doesn’t mean that one enters into intimacy without thought or preparation.
That is not what we are trying to convey here.
Paul, though, wants to make sure that withholding sexually doesn’t become a weapon, because that is not what marriage is about.
ILL Notebook: Sex (obstinance)
Michelle, and her husband, Scott, were visiting Michelle’s sister, Alisa, with their six-month-old child. Scott told Alisa he wanted more children, but Michelle adamantly said she didn’t. When Michelle was asked how she was going to avoid pregnancy, before she could speak Scott answered it by saying, “She’s practicing ‘obstinance.’”
Well, if “obstinance” does happen, realize that…
3. The suspension of sexual activity is to be temporary.
What Paul writes here really comes across as a concession.
His concern was that since we are created with desire to express ourselves sexually, that abstinence, even temporary, was going to hinder the relationship, not help.
So, he gives an outline of how to do this appropriately.
First, the only legitimate reason is prayer.
Second, it can only be for a short time.
And third, it must be voluntary, not coerced.
Paul’s concern is that the couple not allow Satan to drive a wedge between them.
For it is the purpose of Satan to ruin what God created to be good.
And what is to be good is our marriage.
We are to spend a lifetime growing together – spiritually and emotionally – growing richer and deeper.
You see, when it comes down to it, Christians are to be anything but wet blankets when it comes to sexual expression.
Now we come to…
II. The second situation involves the SINGLE (6-9).
(6) Now as a concession, not a command, I say this. (7) I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another. (8) To the unmarried and the widows I say that it is good for them to remain single as I am. (9) But if they cannot exercise self-control, they should marry. For it is better to marry than to be aflame with passion.
ILL Notebook: Singleness (television)
A young lady visited a computer dating service and requested, "I’m looking for a spouse. Can you please help me to find a suitable one?"
The matchmaker said, "What exactly are you looking for?"
"Well, let me see. Needs to be good looking, polite, humorous, sporty, knowledgeable, good at singing and dancing. Willing to accompany me the whole day at home during my leisure hour if I don’t go out. Be able to tell me interesting stories when I need a companion for conversation and be silent when I want to rest."
The matchmaker entered the information into the computer and, in a matter of moments, handed the results to the woman.
The results read, "Buy a television."
Well, it is hard to find that perfect person.
But Paul, now that he has spoken about married life, wants us to know that being single is great.
In fact…
1. Celibacy is a gift.
Celibacy is a charisma – a spiritual gift.
It is the special ability, the God-given ability, to be free from the desire or need of sexual fulfillment.
It means that it is completely possible for a person to live without marriage.
It is a gracious gift that is used to build the church.
If you have this gift, you are very special, because most do not have it.
Now Paul is addressing specifically the unmarried and the widows.
There is some debate about the word unmarried here.
Some believe that what Paul is talking about here is widowers and widows, because there was no Greek word at that time for widowers.
So they believe he used the word unmarried to get the point across.
Regardless, the point stays the same.
Paul’s recommendation is that if you can stay single now, do it.
It’s a great thing.
Because when you do so, you are utterly at the disposal of the Lord Jesus.
Paul so enjoys serving Christ that he encourages others to enjoy the same status and condition he possesses.
He wants us to know that singleness is good, honorable and excellent.
But…
2. If singleness is too hard, marriage is the solution.
We are not to lose control.
Passion is not to rule us.
So, if you are not married, but it is a continual struggle, feel free to seek a partner.
But be choosey.
Don’t settle for anyone because they are available.
You can make things worse.
So, let the Lord guide you to the right person.
If you are a widow or widower, remarriage is a welcome option.
And, frankly, sometimes it is just needed because of the loneliness.
And if there are children still at home, another partner can be a huge help.
So if the Lord so leads, do not be embarrassed to remarry.
Marriage continues to be what God calls good.
Now, we come to…
III. The third situation involves the DIVORCED (10-11).
(10) To the married I give this charge (not I, but the Lord): the wife should not separate from her husband (11) (but if she does, she should remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband), and the husband should not divorce his wife.
ILL Notebook: Marriage (spelling)
On their 50th wedding anniversary, a couple summed up the reason for their long and happy marriage.
The husband said, "I have tried never to be selfish. After all, there is no ’I’ in the word ‘marriage.’”
The wife said, "For my part, I have never corrected my husband’s spelling."
Well, as you can see here…
1. Marriage is designed to be an ongoing commitment.
Now, remember our original context here…
There were believers that were giving up on the sexual aspect of their relationship.
They had come to believe that sexual expression was a matter of defilement, so in order to serve the Lord better, they were abstaining.
Now, because it was too hard to hold back in this area of sexuality, there were some couples that were getting divorced.
In the Roman-Greek culture, papers were unneeded.
Usually, you just separated, and it was considered a divorce.
But Paul, again, says that this defeats the purpose of marriage.
It is meant to be permanent – a covenantal bond.
It is to be an open-hearted, monogamous relationship.
So, Paul reaffirms…
2. When separation occurs, reconciliation is the priority.
If a couple had separated, Paul wants them to know that they are not free to do whatever they want.
If remarriage is sought, they already have a covenant partner.
They are not to consider themselves available to others.
The commentator, Gordon Fee, puts it this way…
“If the Christian husband and wife cannot be reconciled to one another, then how can they expect to be models of reconciliation before a fractured and broken world?”
Now we come to…
IV. The fourth situation involves the UNBELIEVING (12-16).
(12) To the rest I say (I, not the Lord) that if any brother has a wife who is an unbeliever, and she consents to live with him, he should not divorce her. (13) If any woman has a husband who is an unbeliever, and he consents to live with her, she should not divorce him. (14) For the unbelieving husband is made holy because of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy because of her husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. (15) But if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace. (16) Wife, how do you know whether you will save your husband? Husband, how do you know whether you will save your wife?
Again, remembering the context of believers giving up on sexual expression in their marriage relationship, Paul says that…
1. The Christian is not to reject the unbeliever.
Paul does not want them to come to the conclusion that sexual expression with an unbelieving spouse defiles them.
They are not allowed to step out or away from the marriage covenant because different spiritual priorities now exist.
In no way is the believing partner to initiate divorce.
If the marriage is to be dissolved, it must come from the unbeliever.
The reason is is that…
2. The Christian brings grace to a difficult situation.
The Christian sanctifies the relationship and the family.
As believers, we are not to be concerned with being defiled in this situation.
No, our purpose is to bring grace and light.
We are to impact the relationships spiritually and morally, making the potential for salvation even greater.
It is an opportunity to live the difference.
Now, this is not a guarantee that it will work, for…
3. There are legitimate reasons to let go of marriage.
Paul lets us know that the dissolution of marriage is allowed.
These conflicting alliances sometimes prove intolerable, so much so, that the unbelieving spouse says “all or nothing.”
That is an ultimatum that is unacceptable to the believer.
Now one other point here in the midst of Paul acting as the marriage counselor…
Some have used verse 15 to prove that Paul allows for remarriage after divorce, including me (because I believe remarriage is allowed in some circumstances), but we must remember the context of this verse.
In this circumstance, when the unbeliever no longer wants to be married, the believer is free to let go of the marriage without being out of God’s will.
This is the main point of the text here.
Now, at the same time, there are implications of this statement and the scope of the freedom, and if that is a concern of yours, I will be glad to speak to you privately about it.
Overall, note that Paul’s advice as a marriage counselor is consistent.
He says…
If you are married, stay married.
If you are single, stay single if you can.
If you are married to an unbeliever, stay that way unless they don’t want to be married anymore.
APPLICATION:
The focus of last week’s message remains in force this week…
1. We are to please God (6:19-20).
(19) Or do you not know that your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God? You are not your own, (20) for you were bought with a price. So glorify God in your body.
In grateful dependence on God, we are to glorify Him with all that we have and all that we are.
This includes the areas of sexuality, for our sexuality is God’s work, and it is a work that is very good.
So, wherever we have been put, it is not by happenstance.
We are on assignment.
We have been gifted, to either marry or to be single.
We have been called.
And in that calling, it is our duty to be faithful.
ILL Notebook: Satisfaction (Hawaii)
Driving in Hawaii while on vacation with a friend, Joseph Veneroso was checking a map at a red light, but he glanced up only in time to see the yellow light turn red again. To their amazement, none of the cars behind them had honked their horns in annoyance. "Can you imagine that happening back in New York?" Joseph said.
After a moment’s reflection, his friend replied, “That’s because we New Yorkers are in a hurry to get somewhere else, but Hawaiians are already where they want to be."
Well, I hope that is true for you as well.
I hope you are satisfied where you are.
For…
2. We are to please God by being satisfied in our calling.
And when we are satisfied, we please God, loving Him for the opportunity we have to be Christlike, and to live the difference the Holy Spirit makes in us.
BENEDICTION: [Counselors are ]
Be satisfied in your calling – for you are not where you are by happenstance, but rather you are the focus of God’s love and design – so be determined to please God in it.
Now to him who is able to keep you from falling and to present you before his glorious presence without fault and with great joy—to the only God our Savior be glory, majesty, power and authority, through Jesus Christ our Lord, before all ages, now and forevermore! Amen.
RESOURCES:
Blomberg, Craig, The NIV Application Commentary
Fee, Gordon, The New International Commentary on the New Testament
MacArthur, John, I Corinthians
Sermoncentral.com
Satan Uses Sexual Desire, John Piper
The Kind of Marriage God Wants you to Have, Ken Trivett
Single or Married? What Is Better, Bill Burnett
Home Sweet Home, Joe Harding
Marital Rocks and Hard Places, Russell Brownworth
Sexual Intimacy in Marriage, Doug Goins
