The Secrets for Getting Along
Ephesians 5:21
Last week we looked at What Women Wished Men Knew about Women. Today we turn our attention to the Secrets for Getting Along in the family. As Debbie pointed out, “The Family is the smallest unit of society, yet it plays a vital role in shaping the society that we live in.” Since the family is so important, we should do everything possible to strengthen the family unit. The family is a lot like a DNA strand, as long as everything is in its right place, everything is fine, but if something gets out of alignment, problems occur. I want to suggest to you there are three elements that need to be in their right place for a family to function as God designed it. These three elements are really three commitments; a commitment to love, a commitment to submission, and a commitment to God’s values. I would like for us to look at each of these three building blocks of a strong family.
First, a shared commitment to love
Rom 12:16-18
16 Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud,… Do not be conceited.
17 Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. 18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone.
This whole text hangs on this word harmony. Paul tells us to live in harmony with one another, but what does harmony mean. Our English word arm comes from the same Greek root as h-a-r-m-o-n-y. The stem word is harmos, which means joint. Your arm is attached to your shoulder at its joint. In the same way, when you have a soprano, tenor, base, and alto, all singing the proper notes, their voices join together to create one sound, one song. If everyone sang the same notes, we’d have boring unison without any fuller, more harmonious sound. In a family, you have basses, sopranos and an altos all singing different notes. That is you have a different people with different backgrounds and different ways of looking at things. There will never be boring unison, but neither should there be continual discord. There are three ways of responding to disagreements.
Clamming Up. When we don’t get our way, we go about pouting. Sometimes we engage in this kind of game with each other, sending a barrage of non-verbal signals, hoping our partner will get the message. We sulk or mope around, wanting our spouse or children to feel guilty and to come and ask us about it, drawing us out, and eventually giving in to our way of thinking. Some of us claim up. But then some of us blow up.
Blowing Up. Some of us respond by Blowing up. But loud, angry arguments are almost always destructive. They can torpedo a family faster than anything else I know of. When we lose our tempers and say more than we should, we inflict wounds on the other person and on the family. We should not claim up, or blow up, we should wise up.
Wising Up. Here are two verses to clamp onto your refrigerator and memorize as personal rules for your family:
Proverbs 12:18 and Proverbs 15:18.
Proverbs 12:18
Reckless words pierce like a sword, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.
And Proverbs 15:18
A hot-tempered man stirs up dissension, but a patient man calms a quarrel.
We are either going to harm or harmonize in our family. If we’re going to enjoy healthy relationships, we can’t clam up or blow up. We’ve got to wise up, If we learn to live in harmony with each other, we can make beautiful music together all our lives.
The only way we can harmonize, make beautiful music, is if we are committed to love, not like the young woman I read about.
Once a young man was kneeling before a beautiful young woman beside a placid lake. “Darling,” he said, “I want you to know that I love you more than life. I want you to marry me. I’m not a wealthy man. I don’t have a yacht, a Rolls-Royce or lots of money like Johnny Green, but I do love you with all my heart.” The young woman paused for a moment and said, “Darling, I love you with all my heart too. But before I say ‘yes,’ tell me a little more about Johnny Green.”
To harmonize we need to look for the best in our family. We could all learn a lesson from Ronald Reagan who told his wife Nancy in a letter, “I live in a permanent Christmas because God gave me you."
That is the result of a shared commitment to Love. But a shared commitment to love is not enough, we also need…
A shared commitment to submission:
Ephesians 5:21
21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
To understand this verse we need to look briefly at the original Greek word translated submit.
Submission, hupotasso. From hupo, under; and tasso, an orderly manner, appoint. Literally, “to stand under.”
This verb to submit translates a Greek term with a military background. To submit is to accept the authority structure in which you are placed. Submission involves subordinating personal interests for the well-being of the larger unit.
In the military arena, a soldier operates in a hierarchical system of rank that depends on unquestioned obedience to the commands of a superior officer. In a marriage and family, members operate in a climate of love and mutual support characterized by the way Christ and the church interact. Finding your place in the system and working for the success of the larger unit, the family, guides the very different actions of both the soldier but also of the wife, husband, or child.
In other words, the needs of the family out weight any one person’s agenda. We do what is best for the whole family, not just one member of it. This is what it means to submit to one another out of reverence for God.
The husband announces he’s going to spend the afternoon fertilizing the lawn, but his wife is waiting for him to take the family to the pool. Soon they are arguing. Actually, the issue is power.
The Apostle Paul had a simple guideline, "Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ" That word certainly is not a favorite, but Paul believed every Christian could do it. Submitting means we choose to limit our natural inclinations, so that another person benefits. But how do we apply that principle? Here are three characteristics of submission.
•Submission is Spiritual. The command related to “submit, but "be filled with the Spirit" (Eph. 5:18-21, NIV). For believers filled with the Holy Spirit, the ability to submit to your family members comes from the Spirit’s power within. That is the only way submission is possible.
• Submission is Beneficial. Submission by the strong one benefits the one with less power. It also benefits the strong one. As Richard Foster writes, "Submission leads to liberty, the liberty to be able to let go of the terrible weight and burden of always needing to get my own way."
• Submission is Countercultural. Paul challenged the culture of his day, which gave men power. Today, his words confront the culture. In our world, no one wants to put the other one first. Yet it’s the only solution for frustration and resentment.
It’s never been natural, and your friends and family may disapprove. However, you and your family are following something greater than the culture.
The world tell us to assert ourselves, but the Word says “Submit yourself.” Submission is saying, “not my will but what is best for all.”
Hupotasso, submission is not like the story I read about.
A shy salesman visited a psychiatrist and was advised he needed to be more assertive. The doctor suggested he start at home, rather than out in public.
That evening the usually quiet man said to his wife, "I will be giving the orders from now on. After you serve my dinner, I want you to lay out my best clothes; I will be going out alone this evening. And do you know who’s going to dress me in my tuxedo and black tie?"
"I certainly do," declared his wife, "the undertaker!"
To have a strong family you not only need to have a shared commitment to love, a shard commitment to submission, but you also need…
A Shared commitment to God’s values:
Joshua 24:15
But if serving the LORD seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your forefathers served beyond the River, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD.”
The more I know about Joshua, the better I like him. Through the years he has stood in the shadow of Moses so that we think he is a sort of miniature Moses. But Joshua is a man of great stature. God made no mistake in choosing this man. Although Joshua is an average man, this book reveals that an average man dedicated to God can be mightily used. He says to the nation, “Do you want to go back to the gods of your fathers, those pagan gods which they served? Or do you want to serve the gods of the Amorites? You can choose. But as for me and my house, we have made our choice; we are going to serve the Lord!” Friend, this was a tremendous challenge to all the tribes of Israel to consider their covenant with God.
Today we are faced with a similar decision, but this time it is not the God’s of a foreign land, but instead the question is will you follow God’s plan, God’s values for your family, or societies? Will you encourage your children to read their bibles, to pray and to attend worship? Will they see your words come to life in your actions? Notice Joshua said, “But as for me..” Before he claimed his family members would follow him, he promised he would be an example of worship for them.
Does your family members see you as an example? Do they see you pouring over the pages of your bible, have they catch you sealing a few moments of prayer, do they sense your excitement about attending worship. Next week we will look more closely at what children need to see in us. Today it is enough to say they are watching you. You actions speak values to them. Will you declare with Joshua, “But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD?”
There you have it the three strands of DNA for keeping a family strong; a shared commitment to love, a shared commitment to submission, and a shared commitment to God’s values. Does your family have the three main strands to keep it strong? You can have just by asking God and following His plan.
Like I alluded to earlier, Next week we will be looking at “What Children Wish Parents Knew about Children.” You will not want to miss this one. Invite your unchurched friends who are stuggling to raise their families. This would be a great time for them to visit Living Faith.
Amen.
