How To Resolve Family Conflicts God’s Way
Ephesians 5:21-30
Most marriages start out on a positive note. The wedding is an exciting event. You watch your lovely bride come down the aisle and you heart beats faster and skips several beats. You can’t believe God has brought to you the woman of your dreams.
Many weddings start off with a roaring good time.
#A little boy was in a relative’s wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd alternating between the bride’s side and groom’s side. While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar loudly. So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle.
As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the front. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from the all the laughing, and was near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, “I was being the Ring Bear.”
After the honeymoon you come to the reality that you came from different planets. Gypsum, Kansas is not the same as Eau Clare, Wisconsin. You have different family backgrounds and different values. Like two rivers coming together there is a time of turbulence.
The question is: “How do you resolve family conflicts God’s way?”
The reality is that there are no perfect relationships or marriages. Why? Because relationships are made up of imperfect people.
In writing to the Christians in Ephesus the Apostle Paul gives teachings on how to resolve conflicts God’s way.
There are fewer conflicts in the home when
I. Parents Are Honored in the Home
Ephesians 6:1-3 (NLT)
Exodus 20:12 “Honor your father and mother. Then you will live a long full life in the land the Lord your God will give you.”
In any home where parents are not honored and respected that home is in for trouble. In the Old Testament times family relationships were governed by fear. If a young person dishonored his parents he could be taken out and stoned to death.
Jesus came teaching not the letter of the law but love and grace. Jesus put the responsibility on both parent and child. The parent is to live his or her life worthy of respect and children are to honor their parents.
Even if you don’t agree with your parents you can honor and respect them. Proverbs 6:20 says, “My son, obey your father’s commands, and don’t neglect your mother’s teaching.” NLT Proverbs 23:22 says, “Listen to your father who gave you life, and don’t despise your mother’s experience when she is old.” NLT
When conflicts and disagreements arise in family relationships take a time out and sit down and listen to each person involved in the conflict. As parent we often serve as coach. To one child, you can tell your side of the problem and no one will interrupt you. After you have had your say the others involved will have their say until each person has had a chance to tell their side of the story. When we get all the facts we’ll give everyone time to ask questions and we seek Biblical answers to the problem and spend time in prayer seeking the Lord’s guidance.
Through give and take and by getting the whole truth, can lead to managing conflict and making compromises in relationships. The key is truly listening to the other person’s point of view.
Without honor and respect in the home the home is characterized by damaged lives and broken relationships.
As parents we need to help create an atmosphere conducive to respect and honor. Ephesians 4:27 encourages us to “Give no opportunity to the devil.” Ephesians 4:31 “Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of malicious behavior.”
Take away honor and respect and you have attitudes of revenge and resentment. Revenge and resentment lead to bitterness. There is nothing that will shrivel your soul like bitterness. An atmosphere of revenge, resentment and bitterness give opportunity to the Devil in the home.
God’s word commands, “Put all bitterness away.” No Christian can afford to harbor bitter feelings toward another person. A Medical doctor, Dr. S.I. McMillen gives this helpful advice, “The moment I start hating someone, I become that person’s slave. I can’t enjoy my work anymore because he even controls my thoughts. My resentments produce too many stress hormones in my body and I become fatigued after only a few hours of work. The work I formerly enjoyed is now drudgery.”
There is a high price to pay when a person tries to get even. Some people spend endless nights brooding over resentments and trying to think of ways to get even. They do this at the cost of possible high blood pressure, ulcers, and intense colitis. A hospital did a study of 1000 patients suffering from severe colitis and found that resentment was the most prominent personality characteristic occurring in 965 of the patients.
You honor someone by making a decision. You by an act of your will decide to place high value, worth and importance on another person. You grant the person a position in your life worthy of respect. Love always implies value, worth and honor. Honor is a gift you give to others.
When Ephesians 6:1-3 is carried out in the home there are fewer conflicts in family relationships.
There is also less conflict when
II. Parents give Spiritual Leadership in the home
Ephesians 6:4 “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger; but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”
Parents are not to provoke their children to anger. Children get angry because they are self-centered. Children get angry because they are stubborn. And children get angry because they don’t get their own way.
The second part of verse 4 makes a big impact on the first part. Children are born self-centered. When the child comes to a point of surrendering his/her life to Christ self yields to God’s will. The love of Jesus in the child’s heart takes away stubbornness and children grow and mature and become others centered.
Parents develop high expectations for your children. Dedicate them to the Lord and pray that they will honor the Lord and seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness. My passion for my children and my grandchildren is that they will honor the Lord and put Jesus first in their lives and in everything they do please Jesus.
Having low expectations of your children can provoke them to anger and cause hurt and emotional damage.
One mother, who had too much to drink, screamed at her teenage daughter, “You’re so stupid.” That daughter had heard a negative message from her mother time and time again: “You’ll never amount to anything! You’ll end up pregnant and unwed just like me, you no-good tramp! If it wasn’t for you, I would have gone to college! I would have become something”
One time the 17 year old tried to talk to her mother. As she got close to her mother to talk she accidentally knocked over her glass if iced tea. “You idiot!” screamed her mother. “Now look what you’ve done! Can’t you ever do anything right?”
“That was 33 years ago.” The woman wrote in telling her story. “I am now 50 years old. I’ve never seen my mother since that day…and I never will.”
Low expectations of your children can end up with tragic results.
Someone has written: “Fifty years from now it will not matter what kind of car you drove, what kind of house you lived in, how much you had in your bank account, or what your clothes looked like. But the world may be a little better because you were important in the life of a child.”
Parents can carry out Ephesians 6:4 by doing several things in the home.
1. Care More! Care for the needs of each other in the family. It’s often in the little things that make a difference in the home. Carollyn feels secure when all the windows and doors are locked. I feel secure when windows and doors are not locked. To show more care I make an effort to make nightly rounds to lock and secure doors. True love is often spelled in the little things that you do around the house.
After we were first married my Carollyn’s mother told me that when we had children the best thing I could do for our children would be to love their mother.
2. Cooperate more. Parents provide spiritual leadership when they work together as a team. To bring your children up in the discipline and instruction approved by the Lord demands teamwork as parents. Parents need to cooperate on the values and activities you agree upon for your family. Without cooperation you cause frustration and bewilderment in your children. Don’t make idle threats. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Follow through on what you say and remember that you are in charge of your household.
3. Commit more. Commit more of your time to each other. Plan to do fun things with your children and each other as a married couple. Plan to have family devotions as much as possible. Plan to play together as a family. Pay attention to what your children are saying and take action.
There are fewer conflicts in the home when Parents are honored in the home and when parents give spiritual leadership in the home.
There also fewer conflicts in the home when
III. Parents Demonstrate Christ-like love in the home
Ephesians 5:21-33 has instructions on how to resolve conflicts God’s Way.
Verse 21: “And further, you will submit to one another
out of reverence for Christ.”
Verse 24: “As the church submits to Christ, so you wives must submit to your husbands in everything.”
Verse 25: “And you husbands must love your wives with
the same love Christ showed the church. He gave up his
life for her…”
Verse 33: “So again I say, each man must love his wife
as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her
husband.”
.When parents enjoy each other and are happy with their relationship, they’re more likely to spend pleasurable time with their children and to emphasize family teamwork.
When the joy of the Lord overflows in your family there are less likely to be conflicts. Martin Luther, a German Theologian and the forerunner of the Reformation said: “Let the wife make the husband glad to come home; and let him hake her sorry to see him leave.”
Christ’s love is demonstrated in the home by the words you say to each other. Use positive and affirmative words to build up each member of the family. Proverbs 25:11 says: “A word fitly spoken is like apples of gold in pitchers of silver.”
For healthy family relationships don’t criticize or find fault. If you want you r wife to cook for you and not be a slave in the kitchen, praise her cooking. Keep on praising her no matter what the food tastes like. Just keep on praising her. One wife said to her husband, “Oh, sweetheart. The dog ate the biscuits.” And he replied, “Don’t worry honey, we’ll get another dog.” Find a way to look at things positively.
Never criticize in public, no matter what. Don’t make him or her feel small. Always build up one another. Practice Romans 12:10: “Love each other with genuine affection, and take delight in honoring each other.”
Be determined to be a Giver and not a Taker in your family.
A Giver is one who does whatever possible to make others happy and avoids making the other person unhappy, even if it makes the Giver unhappy.
Plaques on the way of A Giver would read: “Love Unconditionally,” “Live for the Joy of Making Someone Happy,” and “Don’t Think of Yourself, Think of Others.” It’s the Giver’s mission to help as many people as possible without consideration for self.
A Taker desires to make himself/herself happy and avoid anything that makes him/her unhappy even if it makes others unhappy. Plaques on the wall of A Taker might read: “What’s in it for me?” and “Self-esteem Is the Greatest Virtue.” The Taker is not interested in the happiness of others and is quite willing to gain at the expenses of others.
When the attitude and actions in the family are more dominated by Givers than Takers then authentic love is demonstrated in the home.
I Corinthians 13:1-3 describes Christ-like love that is demonstrated in the home: “If I could speak any language in heaven or on earth but didn’t love others. I would only be making meaningless noise like a loud gong or a clanging cymbal. If I had the gift of prophecy, and If I knew all the mysteries of the future and knew everything about everything, but didn’t love others, what good would I be? And if I had the gift of faith so that I could speak to a mountain and make it move, without love I would be no good to anybody. If I gave everything I have to the poor and even sacrificed my body, I could boast about it, but if I didn’t love others, I would be of no value whatsoever.”
It doesn’t matter how many languages you speak, how much knowledge you have, how big your bank account, how big your house is, or how successful you are; if you don’t have Christ-like love, you don’t have anything of value.
I Corinthians 13:4-7 describes how love is practical. “Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. Love does not demand its own way. Love is not irritable and it keeps no record of when it has been wronged. It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.” NLT
Ephesians 4:32 sums up how Christ-like love is demonstrated in the family. “…Be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.” Do you see how this verse when practiced in the home would make a difference.
Christ-like love is not only forgiving it is also forgetting. Sometimes it easier for us to forgive than to forget.
#An elephant and a crocodile were swimming in the Amazon, when the elephant sees a turtle sunning himself on a rock. The elephant goes over to the turtle, picks him up in his trunk and hurls him far into the jungle. The crocodile turns to the elephant and says, “What did you do that for?” The elephant answers, “That turtle bit me almost 50 years ago.” The crocodile can hardly believe it and says, “And you remembered him after all these years? Boy, you sure have a good memory.”
“Yep,” said the elephant, “Turtle recall.”
Forgiveness and forgetting bring healing to broken relationships. Jesus said in fact commanded that we forgive others. If we refuse to forgive others God will not forgive us.
Jesus teaches that if a person hurts us we don’t have the right to get even. When we try to get even we bring ourselves down to that person’s level and below. None of us can afford the luxury of an unforgiving heart. An unforgiving heart is unforgivable.
The true spirit of forgiveness is only possible at the foot of the cross. True forgiveness in marriage and family relationships is a gift of God.
Whether a married couple or a single parent—
1. Strive for Honor in your home.
2. Give Spiritual Leadership
3. Practice Christ-Like Love.
Closing – “More Love to Thee O Christ”
