I already the title of this sermon in place when I came across, the "10 Myths about love" by Dr. Phil McGraw, found in his book "Relationship Rescue" (1). You know Dr. Phil from his appearances on Oprah and now his own show Dr. Phil. So I want to begin with a quick run down of his 10 myths about love:
"Myth #1: A Great Relationship Depends on a Great Meeting of the Minds You will rarely understand and appreciate how and why your partner views the world in his particular way. The reason you won’t be able to do it is because you are so totally different from your partner. You are genetically, physiologically, psychologically, and historically different." Perhaps that is why someone else said that Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus.
"Myth #2: A Great Relationship Demands a Great Romance If you have been deluded by this myth and therefore judge your relationship against the sizzle of the early days or the Hollywood version of a dramatic love, you could unfairly label a genuinely quality relationship as being substandard.
Myth #3: A Great Relationship Requires Great Problem-Solving Healthier couples, in my opinion, simply agree to disagree. They don’t let arguments get too personal, nor do they resort to insults or counterattacks because they feel so frustrated. They decide to ... disconnect... at an issue level.
Myth #4: A Great Relationship Requires Common Interests that Bond You Together Forever
If forcing yourself into common activities creates stress, tension, and conflict, then don’t do it. I promise, you have a number of significant commonalties that you may not think about. The important thing is that you not label yourself as deficient or having a less committed love because you don’t share common activities.
Myth #5: A Great Relationship is a Peaceful One So many people are terrified of volatility because they think arguing is a sign of weakness or relationship breakdown. The reality is that arguing in a relationship is neither good nor bad.
Myth #6: A Great Relationship Let’s You Vent all Your Feelings The problem is that, based on results, totally uncensored venting of your feelings often just does not work. Think about the number of times that you have blurted out something in the heat of the moment about your partner’s weaknesses. Let’s be honest: it felt sort of good…. For a moment you felt the exhilaration of rage—and you quite possibly damaged your relationship, and sometimes the damage can be permanent.
Myth #7: A Great Relationship Has Nothing to do With Sex Don’t you believe it for a moment. Sex provides and important time-out from the stresses and strains of a fast paced world and adds a quality of closeness that is extremely important. Sex is a needed exercise in vulnerability wherein you allow your partner to get close.
Myth #8: A Great Relationship Cannot Survive a Flawed Partner Sometimes, we feel that because something is not mainstream, then it must be toxic to the relationship, and that’s not necessarily true. Even "craziness" can be made to work.
Myth #9: There is a Right Way and a Wrong Way to Make Your Relationship Great Nothing could be further from the truth. There is not some etched-in-stone right way to be in a relationship. There is not a right way to show support or affection. What is important is that you find ways of being together that work for you.
Myth #10: Your Relationship Can Become Great Only When You Get Your Partner Straightened Out (Remember that old saying "she dated me for who I was; married me for who I was, and then spent the rest of the time trying to make me what she wanted me to be")...That’s a myth. The most important person for you to influence is yourself. You are the most important person in this relationship, and you must be the focus of your beginning efforts to change this relationship.
Those are myths that Dr. Phil felt are important to understanding so that you can go on and have a healthy relationship. None of these are the myth that I really wanted to dispell though, about love. And let me be clear, the reason that I want to talk about this today, is not to go back into our past and review our history of love and relationships, but rather to take love from this moment forward to a new demension. And in order to do that, I must dispell the main myth about love. The Myth that I want to dispell is that Love is a Feeling. Biblical love is not a feeling. In fact feelings never really seem to enter in to the Bible’s description of love. But rather, the word of God, introduces to us, that real love, is an action that keeps on loving, despite our feelings.
So then it is another myth that we can "Fall out of Love", because "falling" out of love has to do with our feelings, and real Biblical love is based upon, not feelings, but actions toward one another. Paul writes to the Church in Rome and says "don’t just pretend to love others. But really love them". (vs 9) and he goes on to describe the actions of how one is to love: Stand on the side of good; have genuine affection; honor each other; don’t be lazy; serve enthusiastically; always be patient; be prayerful; help someone out; invite someone to dinner; offer lodging; bless others instead of cursing; share in their sorrow; live in harmony; don’t act important; do your part to live in peace; don’t take vengance; don’t repay evil; give someone thirsty a drink, and "don’t let evil get the best of you, but conquer evil by doing good." (vss. 9-21). 1 corinthians 13 "The love chapter" puits it in these same terms, that love is "patient; kind; love isn’t jealous or boastful or rude; love does not demands its own way; it is not irratable; keeps no record of wrong; never gives up; never loses faith; always is hopeful."
Real love then is not a feeling you can fall away from, but what happens is that you stop doing love, and only love conquers evil, and then evil gets a stronghold and soon relationships are divided. And if both parties stop doing love, then what we have is an impasse in which one or both parties want to simply give up. I remember doing some Jr. High "Lock-ins" at the church in San Antonio. About three a.m. the only thing you could do is to pray for morning to come. You just want to give up and go home, but you can’t, because precious lives are counting on you. And the reality is, that when we realize the truth about Biblical Love, that it is not a feeling, because you can easily dismiss feelings, but it is a concept of showing and doing love, even when it does not seemed to be deserved.
In fact the word love, in the Biblical sense, needs to be coupled with the word un-conditional. This is where the Greek Word for love, AGAPE, comes in: unmerited; unconditional, love. Think about it really, if you love someone because they "merit" it, then is it really love, but rather because you love someone, when they don’t merit it, then truly you have expressed the real meaning of love. In the Greek, PHILEO love, is merely a friendship love. It is the nicety that one expresses to an aquaintance, and though it also is a doing love, it is not done with the same unconditional expression. There is also in the Greek the use of the word EROS for love, but this is not an expression of the kind of love we are to have for one another in the Biblical understanding, but rather speaks about the erotic desires.
The best definition that I have found about Biblical Love is this: (4) "The primary meaning of the word "love" in Scripture is a "purposeful commitment to sacrificial action for another." In the Bible it is a fact that loving God is equated with obeying His Word. The two are inseparable." How often is it linked "If you love me, then obey my commands". Even loving God, becomes an action. It is a sacrificial action, based upon commitment to another.
(2) Jim Gerrish writes "We have fallen in love "head over heels," Hollywood style. Indeed, Hollywood has helped to create and perpetuate a worldwide myth concerning love and marriage. That myth has already affected millions of people today. Hollywood has assured us that marriage is not to be taken too seriously, and that adultery and homosexuality are all OK. Hollywood says one can "fall in love," and just as quickly and easily, "fall out of love." Love on the silver screen is a romantic thing, an elusive feeling, a sexual experience, and it has little to do with commitment, covenant, lasting family values or even reality.... Our present concept of "Hollywood love" is a far cry from the love and commitment we see in the Bible. That concept of love has been tested and tried over many centuries and millennia and has been proved trustworthy."
In feeling love and true love we find these diferances: (3) "The true meaning of love, as defined in the Bible, has been corrupted in the common usage of our English language and society. Most often, love is confused with infatuation - that elated, "high" feeling we get when we "fall in love." This kind of "love" is something that lasts typically less than a year, and unless replaced by true love, results in broken relationships."
(4) "Powerful emotions may accompany love, but it is the commitment of the will that holds true biblical love steadfast and unchanging. Emotions may change, but a commitment to love in a biblical manner endures and is the hallmark of a disciple of Christ. Sadly, the opposite is also true. Emotions will vary, but a commitment which has its basis in biblical love will not be affected by the whelm of emotion or of one’s circumstances. Our example of true love is shown in God’s love for the sinner. Romans 5:8 says ". . .commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." The lost sinner living in rebellion and sin is still loved by the Lord. He loved us enough to die for us and pay our sin debt while we were sinning against Him. This shows that true biblical love is a matter of will....not of emotion. God choose to love us and His love was not based on our meriting it in any way. "
Remember the commandment in the Gospel of Mark Jesus said, "And you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, with all your mind, and with all your strength.’ This is the first commandment." (Mark 12:30) But, As a part and the natural result of loving God is you love your neighbor. (4) ""And the second, like it, is this: `You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no other commandment greater than these." (Mark 12:31).
So I might asks you: "Do you love the Lord?" (____) And any energetic Christian will shout "Yes!", but then I must ask "Do you love your neighbor as yourself?" (_____) Do you love others as Christ loved the Church? (____) Do you love people even when they do not deserve it? (____) And the crowd gets quiet! "In other words, does your love for the Lord truly exits, or is it simply rhetoric?"
NOW HERE IS THE GOOD NEWS: Maybe we haven’t been expressing true Biblical love in our lives, but we can start today! In the Name of Jesus Christ you are forgiven for your past mistakes, but let us move fourth in the spirit that "love never gives up; never loses faith; always is hopeful; and that love endures through every circumstance". (1 cor 13:7) How about that? Love, Biblical love can endure every circumstance.
And friends, we can start afresh today, knowing that God calls us to a place where love is an ever present action, despite how we feel. Maybe we can’t go back and right every wrong, but we can chose not to be wrong for the rest of the life that we have ahead of us. It means that from this moment on we accept the challenge of AGAPE love. To accept the challenge is to ask the question: do we mean it, or is it rhetoric? The Bible speaks though "that love is the more excellant way". You know you can do anything you want in life. You can decide however you want to decide. But not everything you decide will be the "more excellent way". But you can decide to chose to love.
(1) from www.thefamilymagazine.com/page24.html from "Relationship Rescue" by Dr. Phil McGraw
(2) from : http://www.churchisraelforum.com/biblical_love_and_marriage.htm by Jim Gerrish
(3) from http://www.godandscience.org/love/biblicallove.html
(4) from http://www.bible-truth.org/msg38.html vy Cooper Abrams.
(5) resource: http://www.biblebb.com/files/MAC/sg1862.htm by John MacArthur
