Compiled by: Herman Abrahams (Pastor), Cornerstone Faith Ministries, P.O. Box 740, Westridge 7802, Rep. of South Africa.
E-Mail: Mentorship2003@yahoo.co.uk
Note to the reader:
If you have been blessed with this sermon compilation, I would be honoured to receive an e-mail from you merely telling me where in the world you are based- I do not need any other information. This is merely so that I can have the pleasure of giving thanks to Almighty God that all over the globe the ministry which he has entrusted to me, is blessing the body of Christ and helping to extend the Kingdom of God.
Thank you.
Herman Abrahams,
Cape Town, South Africa.
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Series: Successful Family
UNDERSTANDING COMPATIBILITY
A. GOD INTENDED MARRIAGE TO BE A LIFE-LONG UNION BETWEEN TWO PEOPLE, A MAN AND HIS WIFE.
Incompatibility, a frequently alleged ground for divorce has no legitimate status before God. Yet the issue of COMPATIBILITY has become so important that we would do well to ask: What is compatibility in marriage? Is it really important? How can it be determined? Is it frozen and unchangeable? What can Christian couples do about becoming compatible?
B. IS COMPATIBILITY IMPORTANT?
Of course compatibility is important to a marriage. However, compatibility is not something which is natural to two people; Christian couples, with the help of the Holy Spirit, will have to work hard at improving their compatibility.
C. HOW CAN COMPATIBILITY BE DETERMINED?
Christian couples can develop oneness by working hard at their marriage and through the help of the Holy Spirit and the application of the Word of God in their lives.
Philippians 2:1-2 “If you have any encouragement from being united with Christ, if any comfort from his love, if any fellowship with the Spirit, if any tenderness and compassion, then make my joy complete by being like-minded, having the same love, being one in spirit and purpose.” (NIV)
Philippians 2:5 “Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus.” (KJV)
C.1 While all the studies show that people of the same economic, social and educational level seem to get along better, such external compatibility is not absolutely essential because it is not basic. Christians should marry only “in the Lord”. Believers cannot disobey God by marrying unbelievers and expect their marriage to go well (2 Cor. 6:14ff). There is no other factor which is really essential for compatibility. Race, age, social status, everything else is secondary, although there may be desirable qualities within the one basic requirement of Scripture. Yet the scripture itself makes no such distinctions.
C.2 The background which two people bring into a marriage may be quite distinct, These backgrounds have contributed to the personalities which each marriage partner has developed through memory, relationships with parents, friends and others and the response patterns each partner has developed. If both the man and the woman have developed biblical habits of response to life’s problems, regardless of what their backgrounds may have been, they have more basic compatibility than two persons who had nearly identical cultural backgrounds but were not Christians. Because they will know how to sit down and work out their differences, they will take time and learn how to use the diversity of their backgrounds to enrich their marriage. That means that Christian counsellors never tell counsellees, “you can’t make it because you are incompatible; you would be better apart than together.” If both parties are Christians, or if they become Christians, they can make a success of their marriage if they are willing to work hard at it according to biblical principles by the means of grace.
2 Cor. 13:11 “Aim for perfection, listen to my appeal, be of one mind, live in peace. And the God of love and peace will be with you.”
1 Cor. 16:13-14 “Be on your guard; stand firm in your faith; be men of courage; be strong. Do everything in love.”
C.3 One woman said, “my husband knows and understands people he works with better than me - his own wife - even though we’ve been married for 14 years!”
Counselling uncovered the fact that the difference was that he worked harder at knowing the people at the office than he had worked at his marriage. Married couples must learn to sit down together at a conference table and make a joint effort at solving the problems in their marriage.
D. PERSONALITY IS CHANGEABLE.
The most important fact to remember when thinking about compatibility is that PERSONALITY is CHANGEABLE. Personality is the sum total of what we are at any given moment. People are a combination of the genetically-determined nature, and what they have done with that nature. By nature the unsaved man will respond sinfully (cf. Ps. 51:5), but the Christian knows that a third factor, the person of the Holy Spirit, enters the picture to enable Christians by His power to respond in accordance with the commands of God.
2 Peter 1:3 “His divine power has given us everything we need for life and godliness through our knowledge of him who called us by his own glory and goodness.”
PERSONALITY, THEN, IS NATURE AND NURTURE. Christians by the power of the Holy Spirit have become more than “natural” men (cf .1 Cor 2). they have been changed and may continue to change their personalities by the work of the Spirit of God.
2 Cor 3:18 “And we, who with unveiled faces all reflect the Lord’s glory, are being transformed into his likeness with ever-increasing glory, which comes from the Lord, who is the spirit.”
E. BAD HABITS ARE CHANGEABLE FACTORS.
Bad habits have developed that have become “second nature.” Marriage partners who lack consideration or concern for others have developed bad habits that will be disturbing factors in marriage. All habits are of course brought into the marriage. But bad habits are changeable factors.
A language is learned in one’s home, but one can move to another country and learn to speak a new language. So too a person may leave his earlier habits behind, he is willing to work hard enough, and can adopt, instead, habits of courtesy, intimacy, and consideration. If two Christians properly talk over all the things that disturb them, seek to do God’s will about them, and work together prayerfully, they can solve their problems.
When Stanley goes to the toilet he leaves the door open (a habit which was not popular in Stella’s background and which is offensive to her). If real communication exists in the home, loving Christian consideration can be established. Stella will mention the fact that his habit is offensive, Stanley will thank her for telling him (cf 1 Samuel 25:32 - David’s response to Abigail coming to ‘counsel’ him), and in love they will work out a solution which is satisfying to both. In other words, when two people create a new decision-making unit they cannot maintain intact all of the customs and habitual ways of living that each knew before.
E.1 NEITHER ONE SHOULD EXPECT THE OTHER PERSON TO MAKE ALL THE CHANGES.
Both parties should think through how they are going to create a new decision-making unit. In doing so they should consciously take the best (i.e. the Christian elements) from both of their backgrounds. In that way, the marriage will become a third, distinct thing, better than the home from which either came. Communication problems, because they stem back to the garden of Eden, can never be properly solved by secular behaviourist methods. Only the God who made man can show him the path back to paradise. *
SPIRIT - CONTROLLED TEMPERAMENT
1. TEMPERAMENT PROVIDES US WITH STRENGTHS AND WEAKNESSES.
It is temperament that provides each individual with the distinguishing qualities of uniqueness that make him/her different from other people.
Temperament provides man with both strenths and weaknesses.
With the help of the Holy Spirit the Christian couple is able to improve their natural strengths and overcome their weaknesses.
(cf 2 Cor 5:17 ; 2 Cor 3:18)
Why can’t I control myself?” some people are asking. The apostle Paul felt the same way. (Rom 7: 18-25). “I” - Paul’s person: his soul, mind & will.
“Sin” - natural weakness inherited from our parents. (cf.Psalm 51:5)
Biblical terms for temperament - “natural man,” “the flesh,” “the old man,” “corruptible flesh.”
1.1 TEMPERAMENT
Combination of inborn traits that subconsciously affects a person’s behaviour. Passed on by the genes. “Gene” - one of the biological factors controlling hereditary (the passing on of characteristics to offspring).
1.2 CHARACTER
Bible - “hidden man of the heart”. Result of natural temperament modified by childhood training, education, influence of others, and basic attitudes, beliefs, principles, and motivations.
1.3 PERSONALITY
Outward expression of ourselves, which may or may not be the same as our character, depending on how genuine we are. It is “the face we show.”
1 Sam 16:7 “Man looks on the outward appearance, but God looks on the heart”. Prov 4:23 “Out of the heart proceeds the issues of life.”
1.4 SUMMARY
Temperament - the combination of traits we were born with.
Character - our civilised temperament.
Personality - the “face” we show others.
2. TEMPERAMENT CAN BE CHANGED
Rom 7:24-25 - thanks be to God our deliverer.
2 Cor 5:17 - all things become new.
2 Pet 1:4 - we are partakers of the divine nature.
John 15:1-14 - abiding in the vine produces the fruit of the spirit.
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