“Parenting In A Nutshell”
1 Thessalonians Part 3
2:11,12
This is our 3rd week in our study of 1 Thessalonians. Paul started this church during his 2nd missionary journey. Unfortunately he was only able to stay there about 3 weeks because his quick success was met by strong opposition that forced him to flee the city.
Paul wrote this letter while he was in ministering in Corinth. He had sent Timothy back to Thessalonica to check things out because he was driving himself crazy wondering what happened to those new believers after he had left. When Timothy his partner in the Gospel returned, he brought back good news. In response Paul sat down and wrote this letter we now have in our bible - a letter he concludes by saying, “I command you in the name of the Lord to read this letter to all Christians....” (LB)
As Paul opens this letter he commends their faith, and in so doing, gives us a model of what a faith that is worth talking about, looks like. And as we saw last week Paul in defending his ministry in Thessalonica, in describing what his leadership was like gave us a model of a good leader. Now Paul didn’t set out to give these models but as he wrote that is exactly what he did.
Today we are looking at just 2 verses of scripture.... Paul wrote these verses to describe the kind of leader that he was - he did not write them to give us a model of parenting - but again that is exactly what he did....
“For you know that we dealt with each of you as a father deals with his own children, encouraging, comforting and urging you to live lives worthy of God who calls you into his kingdom and glory...”
In those verses Paul (though it was not his intention) reveals for us 3 characteristics of parents, as the title for the sermon says, he kind of gives us the biblical view of parenting in a nutshell.
In the days of the wild west, a lone cowboy went riding through a valley and came unexpectedly upon an Indian lying motionless on the road. His right ear was pressed to the ground, and he was muttering to himself.. “Ummmm, stagecoach! 3 people inside. 2 men, one women 4 horses. 3 gray, 1 black. Stage coach moving west...”
The cowboy was amazed and said, “That’s incredible, partner! You can tell all that just by listening to the ground? The Indian replied, “Ummmm. No! Stage run over me 30 minutes ago...”
Parenting isn’t easy - sometimes there is so much going on - so many things to do - laundry, school projects, soccer, practice, marching band, programs, fundraising...etc that we feel like we just got run over.
As I said earlier - the title for my message today is “Parenting In A Nutshell.” Now please understand , that by choosing such a title I am not implying that parenting is simple or that in one 30 minute talk I will be able to solve all of our parenting woes... There is a limit to what we can accomplish in such a short amount of time.... BUT what I do hope to do, is to ignite a spark in all parents that will motivate us to do a little better job and to be a little more focused.
I’m a parent and I’ve been one for almost 16 years... And though is it not always easy - it is one of the most important and most fulfilling things I will ever do in this life.
Our mission today, is to look at these 2 verses and try to learn some things that will help us become a better parent. We are going to first look at the biblical objective of parenting, and then look at the means or the process, we need to employ in order to achieve that objective..
Question; What is the chief objective of parenting?
Question; Why is it important to know what the objective is? (So we don’t get distracted)
1) The Objective
The objective - the target - the goal of parenting, of all parenting, BUT especially of Christian parenting is found in verse 12 of our text, that they may “...live lives worthy of God...”
You see, we must never lose sight of the fact that our children are gifts of God, who are simply on loan to us for a few years (they really belong to Him) and for these few years we have both the privilege and the responsibility of bringing them up to become healthy, functioning adults who love and serve God. This is the main thing of parenthood & it has always been that way.
“Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up...” Dt 6:4-6
“And now a word to you parents; Don’t keep on scolding and nagging your children, making them angry and resentful. Rather, bring them up with the loving discipline the Lord himself approves, with suggestions and godly advise.”
Eph 6:4 (LB)
Our primary purpose in parenting has to do with our children’s relationship with God - and there are some good & practical reasons for this, besides just obeying God’s command.
For you see; If we get our children right with God THEN everything else will fall into place.... If we can get our children to seek first God’s kingdom and his righteousness, then all of the other things they need in life will be given to them....
AND when our children “live lives worthy of God” they, as Paul says in our text, our children get to be partakers, they get to be sharers, in God’s kingdom & His glory... They get the appetizer now (life that is truly life), and the full meal when He returns.
Now those are good reasons for keeping this as our objective in raising our kids, these are some of the benefits of living a life worthy of God. BUT there is another benefit to living a life worthy of God. I want us to briefly consider.
Question; WHO without any doubt, lived a life worthy of God? Answer, Jesus. Therefore when children live a life worthy of God, they become, like Jesus. And there is a benefit of being like Jesus that we do not often think about.
Being like Jesus - living a life worthy of God, does wonders for you self image, Jesus Christ had a rock solid self image.
He was secure in His identity Mt 16:13-20
He knew he was loved by His father Mt 3:17
His positive sense of self allowed Him to withstand criticism Mt 26:6-10
His positive sense of self allowed him to relate to those less fortunate, rather than building His image by relating only to the rich and powerful Mk 2:15-17
He felt competent and equipped by His father to do what he needed to do Mt 28:18
He could love others because he was secure in the love of His father John 15:9
His relationship with His father gave Him purpose in life Lk 2:48-50
He knew he belonged to the father Jn 10:30; 17:21
He was affirmed by His father Mt 3:17
2) The Process
We Need To Encourage Our Children
Encouragement is a powerful tool, one that when used the right way can make an incredible impact on the life of another person. It can enable them to hang in there when they feel like quitting - and it can cause someone to be able to dream big dreams.
Jackie Robinson was the first black man to play major league baseball. While breaking baseball’s “color barrier,” he faced jeering crowds in every stadium. While playing one day in his home stadium in Brooklyn, he committed an error. His own fans began to ridicule him. He stood at second base, humiliated, while they jeered. Then shortstop “Pee Wee” Reese came over and stood next to him. He put his arm around Jackie Robinson and faced the crowd. The fans grew quiet. Robinson later said, that arm around his shoulder, saved his career.”
The word in our text that is translated encourage (parakaleo) means to stand beside, to exhort, to come to ones aid. I like that picture, of someone standing beside me - encouraging me to cheer us on.
It’s like the little boy who said to his dad, “Let’s play darts dad. I’ll throw and you say great shot!”
Parents let me ask US a question - how good are you at encouraging? Would your children say that you are a good encourager? Did you know that it takes about 10 words of encouragement to undo just 1 negative comment.
How do we encourage:
1. We encourage with our presence:
Just being with people is an encouragement to them. It shows them that we care, and it tells them that they are important to us.
There is a great example of this in Acts 28:15. Paul had been in prison for over 3 years, he recently survived a shipwreck at sea, and now he had just arrived in Rome, still a prisoner. And unknown to Paul a bunch of his friends - some fellow Christians traveled a great distance to be there to meet him when the ship came in... Luke records these words, “...at the sight of these men, Paul thanked God and was encouraged....”
We encourage others with our presence, just being there. We have no idea what it does for a person to see you walk into a hospital room or into their home. Or what it means to our kids for them to look in the stands or into the audience and see mom & dad sitting there.
2. We encourage with our touch
There is something very therapeutic about the human touch, and sometimes a hand on a shoulder or a gentle hug can do more to encourage someone then we can ever imagine. (Why do you think Jesus touched the lepers) Have you seen the bumper sticker, “Have you hugged your kid today?” Well have you?
3. We encourage with God’s Word
Remember our objective in parenting is that our children may live lives worthy of God. Well one of the ways we can make this happen is through God’s word. As I wrote this, I became I am convicted of the fact, that I do not do this enough.... I need to change this BECAUSE God’s word is powerful and it has, can and will accomplish great things; For the next 5 weeks let’s make 1 of these verses our family memory verse - talk about what it means)
“For I know the plans I have for,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future...” Jer 29:11
“God is able to do far more than we could ever ask or even dream of - infinitely beyond our highest prayers, desires, thoughts or hopes...” Eph 3:20 (LB)
“In everything you do, put God first, and He will direct you and crown your efforts with success...” Pr 3:6 (LB)
“If you insist on saving your life you will lose it. Only those who throw their lives away for my sake and for the Good News will ever know what it means to really live...” Mark 8:35 (LB)
“No, in all these things (trouble, hardship, persecution, famine, nakedness, danger or sword) we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us...” Rm 8:37
4. We encourage with our words
Now this can be done in many ways; we can talk to them in person, call them up on the phone, e-mail them, or through a card or letter. The cool thing about cards and letters is that we can save them and look at them over & over again - (I have a file of encouragenmt letters..).
Now before we move on to our next point I want to say something about the difference between praise & encourgaement. There really is a difference and we need to know the difference, because one is positive and the other can be negative.
Kevin Leman in his books Bringing Up Kids Without Tearing Them Down & Becoming the Parent God Wants You To Be talks about the difference between encouragement and praise, I’m just going to summarize it here - but I encourage to pick up a copy of either book.
In the chapter on encouragement and praise he writes;
Encouragement is more important than any other aspect of child raising. It is so important that the lack of it can be considered the basic cause of misbehavior. A misbehaving child is a discouraged child. Each child needs continuous encouragement as a plant needs water. He cannot grow & develop and gain a sense of belonging without encouragement
If we want to discourage our children there are all kinds of weapons at our disposal: criticism, scolding, cutting remarks, doing everything for them (or doing it over because they aren’t big enough or capable enough to do it right - according to ‘our’ standards). But Leman suggests if we want to be a little more subtle as we discourage our kids - yet just as effective - we should try praise.
Let me give you an example to show the difference...
Picture this scene in your mind. Mrs Jones walks into her 11 year old’s room and finds it perfectly clean, she can actually see the rug, the top of the desk and the bed is made. And to top it off, little Billy is over in the corner, doing his homework.
“What a good boy!” his mom gushes, “I didn’t even have to ask you. You are the greatest. I love you so much for doing all this without even being told.”
Now what’s wrong with what mom said, She told him his was good, that he was the greatest and that she loved him. Kids do need to hear those things, right. SURE they do, but in this situation these things are couched in the language of praise. And one way Billy can interpret this is, “Hmmm, mom loves me because I did my room and my homework. Would she love me as much if I didn’t?”
Although praise seems innocent enough and even beneficial, it affects children’s self image in a drastic way. Children can easily get the impression that their personal worth depends on how they measure up to what mom wants. When she praises them, their personal worth is up. But if the room is messy and if she gets on them - their personal worth goes down.
What then does it mean to encourage a child? Encouragement does not focus on your children and how wonderful they are. Rather, encouragement centers on what the children need to do and the satisfaction they get from doing it. To be honest encouraging instead of praising can get tricky.
Lets look back at Billy & his mom and this time, see her encourage him;
“This room looks great, and I’ll bet that really makes you feel great too.”
“I’m so glad to see that you’re starting to enjoy studying Billy.”
Or for a little humor, “Well, there is a rug in this room after all! I appreciate knowing that. I’ll call and cancel the fumigation man right now!”
One way to state the difference between praise & encouragement is this: Praise says; you’re great because you did something. Encouragement says, It’s great that something was done and I appreciate it...”
Encouragement, focuses on what the child has done and emphasizes your appreciation
Encouragement, causes children to think: “I can do it....I am capable...mom and dad trust me”
Encouragement, helps children know they are good enough as they are.
We need to encourage our children to live lives worthy of God.
We Need To Comfort Our Children
“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God...” 2 Corinthians 1:3,4
Our God is an awesome comforter, would you agree? I am sure that many times you have found great comfort from Him. But sometimes, we need something else in addition to God’s comfort.
Ann Gilbert writes; To help our four year old overcome her fear of the dark, her father and I always reassured her at bedtime that God was watching over her. One night after I had gone to bed, I felt a soft tap on my shoulder. “Mommy,” a familiar small voice spoke up, “I know God’s in there with me, but I need somebody with skin .”
Sometimes, the person with skin on that your children need, is you.
There will be times when your child will need your comfort; times when they fall, fail or get hurt (emotionally & physically) - and your comfort at those times shows them that you care - that you love them.
It is important that your children see home as a place of comfort - do you remember when they were small and they would fall down and skin their knee. They’d come running home, crying, you would doctor their knee, put on that all important band aide, and they would be off again.
Why did they come running home, without even thinking about it? - BECAUSE they knew home was a place of comfort? Well, as our children get older - maybe they don’t fall down and skin their knees as much - but they still get hurt - and when they do, it should be our goal as a parent that they still feel that they can come running home to get some comfort... to be told that everything will be okay.
To me the word comfort means many things in regards to my children; it means home and home IS a place that is safe, a secure place, a place where they know they are accepted, and where people care about them, a place where they are loved and valued, a shelter, a refuge, a shade from the heat of life,. A place where there will always be someone on their side.. It should be our goal that like Dorothy in The Wizard of OZ for our children, there is no place like home. Is that how children view home?
Now I know sometimes it can be hard to figure out what we are to do or say in order to comfort someone...
A little girl came home from a neighbors house where her little friend had died. “Why did you go over there?” Questioned her father. “To comfort her mother,” said the little girl, “What could you do to comfort her?” “I climbed into her lap and cried with her.”
Sometimes just being there is enough, Sometimes like the scripture says we just need to , “Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn...” Rm 12:15.
And one thing to keep in mind as we comfort, is to not act like the way they feel, is no big deal, like they are silly to be upset.... If it is a big deal to them, if they are hurt - then they need your comfort.
Two essential ingredients in the process for helping our children live lives worthy of God are encouragement and comfort.
The next is urging.....
We Need To Urge Our Children
We need to urge, to motivate them to live a life worthy of God. And understand that the right kind of motivation, can get people to do some amazing things...
Just before giving a lavish party at his estate, a tycoon had his swimming pool filled with poisonous snakes. He called the guests together and announced, “To anyone brave enough to swim across this pool, I will give the choice of 1,000 acres of my oil fields, 10,000 head of cattle, or my beautiful daughters hand in marriage.
No sooner were his words spoken than a young man plunged into the pool, a swam across the pool in a frantic, frenzy, he climbed out - unscathed but breathless.
“Congratulations!” the tycoon said, “you have to be the bravest man I’ve ever seen. So what will it be, do you want my oil fields?” “No” gasped the guest. “Then do you want the 10,000 head of cattle?” “No!” The young man shouted. “Well, then you must want my daughter’s hand in marriage” “No!” Came back the reply. “You must want something,” said the puzzled host. “I just want to know the name of the guy who pushed me into the pool!”
There was once a jockey who had an unbelievable winning record. Just before the end of any race, the jockey would elan way over and seemlily speak to the horse. A reporter asked the jockey what he did that made such a difference in the horse’s speed. He replied: “I simply quote a little verse in his ear: “roses are red, violets are blue; Horses that lose are made into glue!”
We need to urge, we need to motivate our children do live lives worthy of God. But how do we do that? AND even though at times poisonous snakes and threatening to turn them into glue may feel like the thing to do, there is a better way.
So how do we urge them? A key to understanding this, is the meaning of the Greek word in our text that is translated urge, it is a form of the verb martureo, which means to bear witness. The noun form of this word is where we get our English word martyr.
So how do we bare witness to our children to live a life worthy of God? One way is by being an example. We, live a life that is worthy of God. We, give them an up close and personal example, of what it means to live a life that is worthy of God. Parents don’t expect your kids to live it, if you are not living it. That do as I say not as I do stuff - is a bunch of garbage.
Parents what kind of example are you of living a life worthy of God? If they really followed your example - would God be pleased?
These following verses definitely apply to parents as they strive to motivate and urge their children.
“...In everything set them an example, by doing what is good.” Titus 2:7
“Watch your life and doctrine closely. Persevere in them, because if you do, you will save both yourself and your hearers.” 1 Tim 4:16
Circle; “set them an example” “Doing what is good”
“Watch your life” “Save” “And your hearers”
Parents it is time for you to get serious and stop playing around if you want your children to live lives worthy of God THEN start living that kind of life yourself!
There is one more part of urging I want to talk about - and like setting an example it is essential in helping urge our children to live lives worthy of God -- discipline -- Now, I have no time to develop this, I’m just going to say a few brief things and recommend a book by Bob Barnes, called Who’s in Charge Here?
“He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him.” Pr 13:24
“Discipline your son, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to his death.” Pr 19:18
“No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. Heb 12:11
A disciplinary plan is a system that establishes boundaries for a child and allows the child to make decisions concerning those boundaries. The parent enforces the boundaries while loving the child. The child is taught to accept the responsibility, consequences and rewards for his behavior.
There is one thing about using discipline to urge your child to live a life worthy of God - it only works if you are setting the proper example, otherwise you discipline leads only to resentment.
