Clarity or Confusion?
5. Divorce and Remarriage
Feb. 21/22, 2004
Don Jaques
MAIN IDEA: Although divorce is never God’s hope for marriages, it is permissible in limited circumstances and remarriage is allowed – in fact encouraged in some cases.
OBJECTIVES:
o People will understand the full witness of scripture on the issue of divorce and remarriage.
o Those in troubled marriages will be encouraged to do everything possible to save their marriages.
o Divorced people will hear a message of grace and forgiveness.
INTRO:
Love and marriage. It’s a complicated issue. Someone once asked some children to weigh in on some of the most important questions surrounding it – here’s a sampling of their responses.
HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?
"You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming." Alan, age 10
"No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with." Kirsten, age 10
WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
"No age is good to get married at. You got to be a fool to get married." Freddie, age 6
HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
"You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids." Derrick, age 8
WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?
"Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough." Lynnette, age 8
"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." Martin, age 10
WHEN IS IT OK TO KISS SOMEONE?
"When they’re rich." Pam, age 7
HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
"Tell your wife that she looks pretty even if she looks like a truck." Ricky, age 10
TRANS: How would you make a marriage work? Sometimes it seems there is no way to do it. And for a large percentage of people here today either their marriage or a marriage of their parents or their children has ended in divorce.
As we close out this series of messages called “Clarity or Confusion” we’re going to take a look at what God’s word says about the issue of divorce and remarriage. What does the Bible really say? When is divorce a viable option? If a person has been divorced, can they remarry? And what if someone gets a divorce when they really shouldn’t have – what then?
I’ve struggled this week. I’ve argued with God a bit, because there are places in God’s word where the words I read don’t seem to jive with what I know about God’s character. As I delve into this often confusing issue, it is my hope to rightly divide the word of truth. To not say more or less than God’s word says when taken in its proper context.
That leads me to a couple of preliminary observations about Biblical interpretation. First, in order for us to interpret and apply God’s word correctly, we must first understand the context in which it was written. What did it mean to the original audience? Then, What timeless principle can I take from that meaning and apply today?
Second, we must always seek to understand the whole counsel of the word of God. It is not enough to read just one verse and assume we know what God says on any given issue. If one believes that God’s word is infallible for instructing us in righteousness, as I do, one must do the sometimes difficult work of reconciling passages of scripture which at first glance seem like they contradict each other. When this is the case, we’ve got to keep praying, Lord help me understand your heart.
With these observations in mind, let’s dive in and see what God’s word says about divorce and remarriage.
1. God designed marriage to be a life-long covenant. (Matt. 19:4-6, Mal. 2:14-16)
Matt. 19:4 “Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’
Matt. 19:5 and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’?
Matt. 19:6 So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.”
When a man and a woman are joined in a God-ordained marriage, they are no longer two, but one. If you take two pieces of cloth and weave them together, they become one cloth. If you tear them apart – they will both be marred.
Mal. 2:14 You ask, “Why?” (why does God not want to listen to the people of Judah’s prayers?) It is because the LORD is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant.
Mal. 2:15 ¶ Has not [the LORD] made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth.
Mal. 2:16 ¶ “I hate divorce,” says the LORD God of Israel, “and I hate a man’s covering himself with violence as well as with his garment,” says the LORD Almighty. ¶ So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith.
In context, this passage is discussing the practice of Israelite men discarding the “wives of their youth” and marrying younger women from one of the surrounding nations. But I think we can accurately say that God hates divorce all the time. Why?
God hates divorce for the same reason that people hate divorce. It causes incredible pain to all those involved, especially children. Though it promises an end to unhappiness, it will in many cases simply replace one set of problems with another for both the man and the wife. Studies show that the pain of divorce has long lasting effects on children – some effects not showing up until they are in their 20s and 30s! God hates divorce because it hurts his children.
TRANS: But this is not all the Bible teaches about divorce. Yes – divorce is painful. Yes God hates it and it is not his design for our lives. But…
2. There are times when divorce is permissible. (Jer. 3:6-8, Matt. 19:3-9, 1 Cor. 7)
There is one major passage in the gospels in which Jesus is asked about divorce. It is found in Matt. 19, Mark, 10, and Luke 16. Because of time we’ll just look at the one in Matthew.
In it we find that…
o Divorce is permissible when sexual immorality has occurred.
Matt. 19:3 Some Pharisees came to him to test him. They asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?”
STOP – Need a little background info here. In Jesus’ day there were 2 major schools of thought, branching out from two influential Rabbis and their different interpretations of certain passages in the Law of Moses.
The conservative view, proposed by Rabbi Shammai and his followers was that divorce was NEVER an option for Jews.
The liberal view, touted by Rabbi Hillel and his followers, taught that divorce was permissible for any and every reason. Just so long as the man gave the woman a divorce certificate, men could divorce their wives for any sort of reason.
Thus, when the Pharisees come to him and ask him “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?” they really want to know will he side with the school of Shammai or the school of Hillel. Will he be conservative or liberal? Either way they hope to trap him in his words. How does Jesus respond?
Matt. 19:4 ¶ “Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’
Matt. 19:5 and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’?
Matt. 19:6 So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.”
Matt. 19:7 ¶ “Why then,” they asked, “did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?”
Matt. 19:8 ¶ Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning.
Matt. 19:9 I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery.”
As you see, Jesus sides neither with the ultra conservatives or ultra liberals, but land somewhere in between. He says quite clearly that Moses permitted divorce because of the hardness of their hearts, but he also severely limits the situations where divorce is allowable. He says that anyone who divorces his wife except for “marital unfaithfulness” – the Gk word “porneia” which can cover a broad range of sexual sin – commits adultery.
So, though divorce is not God’s desire for people, sometimes because of sexual infidelity, the marriage covenant is broken, and divorce becomes necessary.
However, we have to keep in mind the context of Jesus’ words here. He is addressing a specific question – Is divorce permissible for any and every reason. His answer is not the only and final word about divorce and remarriage, but it is a beginning to understanding God’s instruction.
TRANS: The next major passage dealing with the topic of marriage and divorce is in the 7th chapter of 1 Corinthians. In it we learn that
o Divorce is permissible when an unbelieving spouse wants out or deserts you.
Some background is helpful before I read this passage. 1 Cor 7 begins a lengthy passage in which Paul answers a number of questions from the Corinthian believers. Basically, it appears that they want to know what he thinks of marriage, and specifically what they should do about marriages where one person has come to faith in Christ and the other has not. In his response, Paul keeps coming back to the fact that a time of intense suffering is about to start (and which in fact did hit around AD 70.) Because the whole world was about to be turned upside for them, he counsels them to stay in whatever situation they find themselves – never married, married, or divorced. Let’s look at some of the particulars…
1Cor. 7:8 ¶ Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am.
1Cor. 7:9 But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.
1Cor. 7:10 ¶ To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband.
1Cor. 7:11 But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.
1Cor. 7:12 ¶ To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her.
1Cor. 7:13 And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. …
1Cor. 7:15 ¶ But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace.
So, we learn that if someone is married to an unbeliever who wishes to get out of a marriage – the believer is not obligated to stay married to them. In fact if the unbeliever deserts them, then they are no longer bound to stay in that marriage.
TRANS: So we’ve seen that scripture gives at least 2 clear cases when divorce is permissible, but these are pretty limited situations. The immediate question that comes to mind is “Is that all? What about situations of abuse and destructive behavior? What if a spouse’s addictive behavior threatens the financial well-being or emotional or physical well-being of the rest of the family?”
o Divorce is permissible in extreme cases of abusive or destructive behavior.
Although there is no single verse in the Bible that mentions cases like this, there is a principle in scripture that leads me to that conclusion.
Mark 2:23 ¶ One Sabbath Jesus was going through the grainfields, and as his disciples walked along, they began to pick some heads of grain.
Mark 2:24 The Pharisees said to him, “Look, why are they doing what is unlawful on the Sabbath?”
Mark 2:25 ¶ He answered, “Have you never read what David did when he and his companions were hungry and in need?
Mark 2:26 In the days of Abiathar the high priest, he entered the house of God and ate the consecrated bread, which is lawful only for priests to eat. And he also gave some to his companions.”
Mark 2:27 ¶ Then he said to them, “The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath.
Mark 2:28 So the Son of Man is Lord even of the Sabbath.”
Here Jesus refers back to an Old Testament time when David and his companions broke the literal “law” to eat bread which was reserved by law for the priests. They were hungry and in need, and as such they were not condemned for breaking the Sabbath law.
Likewise, Jesus in this situation is being criticized for breaking the strict Sabbath laws by picking some grain. It is ridiculous, Jesus said, for us to bring harm upon ourselves to strictly follow rules about religious behavior. The Sabbath, he said, was set up to be a benefit to mankind, not a burden.
In a similar way I believe we can say that God’s law regarding marriage is set up for our benefit. He wants marriage to last forever. He knows how painful divorce is. Nevertheless, sometimes staying in a marriage out of duty to a scriptural “law” will bring about needless suffering upon innocent spouses and children. In such cases I honestly believe Jesus would say, “Marriage was made for man, not man for marriage.”
Is this a license for anyone in an unhappy marriage to seek a divorce? No. Only in extreme cases, and after every other method to save the relationship has been tried should a divorce be considered. But I do believe that God would not have innocent people be harmed through the destructive or abusive behavior of a spouse or parent.
TRANS: So far we’ve seen that God intends marriage to be a life-long covenant, but that he allows for divorce in some cases. But what about remarriage? If God allows divorce in some cases, can such people remarry? And what about people who are divorced for other reasons, can they remarry? Let’s take a closer look at what Paul says in 1 Cor. 7. I believe what we discover there is…
3. Remarriage is allowed and in some cases encouraged. (1 Cor. 7:1-2, 8-11, 26-28)
Before we read these verses a quick Greek lesson is in order.
“agamos” – unmarried
“parthenos” – virgins (never married)
When we see the word “unmarried” we can assume this group includes those who have been married but are no longer.
1Cor. 7:1 ¶ Now for the matters you wrote about: It is good for a man not to marry.
1Cor. 7:2 But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband.
QUESTION: Who should have his own wife or husband? Each man.
1Cor. 7:8 ¶ Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried as I am.
1Cor. 7:9 But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.
1Cor. 7:10 ¶ To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband.
1Cor. 7:11 But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife.
This is a confusing one. In verses 8 and 9, Paul speaks to the unmarried and widows and tells them if they cannot control themselves sexually it is better for them to marry. But then in the very next sentences he says that those who divorce must remain that way. What is an “unmarried” person to think?
Remember the context of this passage, as demonstrated in verses 26-28:
1Cor. 7:26 Because of the present crisis, I think that it is good for you to remain as you are.
1Cor. 7:27 Are you married? Do not seek a divorce. Are you unmarried? Do not look for a wife.
1Cor. 7:28 But if you do marry, you have not sinned; and if a virgin marries, she has not sinned. But those who marry will face many troubles in this life, and I want to spare you this.
Here Paul sums up his thoughts – “Because of the present crisis, it’s best to just stay the way you are, nevertheless, if you are unmarried and you choose to get married, you have not sinned.
This leads to the obvious question: But what about the words of Jesus when he said marrying a divorced person causes the sin of adultery?
To answer, it is helpful to realize that there are many times that Jesus says things in the strongest terms –using what is known as hyperbolic language – to make his point. When we read these passages all of us understand he is not laying down a literal law for all people at all times but rather using this method to make sure people are paying attention to the point he’s trying to make. Some well known cases include the following scriptures:
o Matt. 5:22 But anyone who says, ‘You fool!’ will be in danger of the fire of hell.
o Matt. 5:29 If your right eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away.
o Matt. 5:42 Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you.
o Matt. 5:32 But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery.
Jesus closes this whole passage with the most impossible command of all:
o Matt. 5:48 Be perfect, therefore, as your heavenly Father is perfect.
Seen in the light of these other passages, it is not too difficult to understand that Jesus’ was using hyperbole to make the point that divorce “for any and every reason” is sin. However, it makes no sense to understand this passage to mean that remarried people commit adultery every time they sleep together, since they are joined as husband and wife. By definition, sexual relations with one’s spouse are not adultery! No – Jesus was simply making a point that divorce was only permissible in limited circumstances.
The last reason I want to give for teaching today that divorced people may in fact remarry goes way back to Genesis, when God created man and woman. After creating Adam, and giving him all the animals, he says something very profound:
Gen. 2:18 The LORD God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone…”
Although some are given the gift of living a single life (which Paul says is good and allows people to serve God more fully and without distraction), for most people, and especially for those who have grown accustomed to the companionship of marriage, a life of singleness means a life of loneliness and, as Paul points out in 1 Cor 7, sexual frustration and temptation.
That is why, for those who are unmarried, including those who are divorced, Paul says it is not a sin for them to get married again.
TRANS: You may or may not agree with me on everything I’ve taught today – and I humbly submit that in this area I may need to change my thinking as time goes on – but there is one point in this whole issue that I am completely sure of.
4. Divorce is not an unforgivable sin.
In some Christian circles, much harm is done to people who have gone through a divorce. Sometimes it is in the form of churches being so centered around the traditional family unity that they don’t even try to meet the needs of other types of families. Sometimes it has been to deny certain privileges to people who have gone through a divorce – with no thought as to the circumstances of the divorce.
This is wrong.
If God permits divorce in certain cases, and therefore the divorce was not a sin, then the church has not business disciplining people who have had to go through a divorce.
And even if a person pursued a divorce that God’s word did not sanction – and in fact did sin by getting divorced – God’s word tells us that there is no sin that is not covered by the blood of Jesus Christ.
Heb. 10:11 ¶ Day after day every priest stands and performs his religious duties; again and again he offers the same sacrifices, which can never take away sins.
Heb. 10:12 But when this priest had offered for all time one sacrifice for sins, he sat down at the right hand of God.
Heb. 10:13 Since that time he waits for his enemies to be made his footstool,
Heb. 10:14 because by one sacrifice he has made perfect forever those who are being made holy.
Whether the sin is an unbiblical divorce, homosexuality, or premarital sex, abortion, or any other sin the Bible condemns, repentance from that sin, coupled with the shed blood of Jesus Christ, allows us to experience New Life in Christ. No sin, having been repented of, needs to hold us back from experiencing all the blessings of living for and serving Jesus Christ.
CONCLUSION:
If God could use Rahab after living as a prostitute-
If God could use David after committing adultery and murder-
If God could use Peter after he denied even knowing Jesus-
If God could use Paul after condemning innocent people to death-
Then surely he can use divorced and remarried people, too.
