I have to begin this morning by letting you know that this sermon could in fact be the last sermon I ever preach, for today I am being presumptuous enough and perhaps even foolish enough to stand up in front of you and tell you what women in our congregation are thinking. If I get this right I’ll be a hero but if I screw up… well, you know what they say about the fury of a woman…
With that said, this morning I want to turn my attention specifically to the men in this congregation. And not only do I want to speak to those men who are married but I also want to talk to those who are single whether having never been married or divorced or widowers. Because I believe that within the scripture readings for today lie lessons for each and everyone one of us as we seek to be the men God has called us to be.
Last week I gave an introduction to this series entitled, “Love, Sex, and Lasting Relationships” and I suggested that there are few topics with as much significance to the life of the church today than these. We discovered our preoccupation with these topics and I suggested that within our studies we will discover meaningful information for each and everyone of us no matter what stage of life we are in.
And before we begin this morning I want to pause and review what we covered last week. If you follow along in your outline you’ll notice that I’ve added something new this week. I frequently have people come up to me after the service and ask me to fill in a point because they were too busy listening and missed the word. If that’s you then you’ll find the answers at the bottom of the outline from now on.
Last week we discovered four primary things:
First of all, men and women are different. We know that. And second the combination of these differences and the human condition make it hard to have a relationship. No matter how hard we try our relationships will be strained because of our sinfulness and our differences. Third, as crazy as it may seem, God designed these differences so that we might compliment each other. We balance one another out. And fourth, marriage is a sacred calling from God. It’s not something we do when our hormones start acting up. It’s not something we do for a tax-break. It’s a relationship which we enter in order to serve one another.
Several weeks ago I passed out surveys to both the men and the women in my two congregations and asked them two questions: First, “When do you feel closest to your husband/wife?” and second “If you’re single what are the qualities you find most attractive in a man/woman.” I want to look at some of those responses this morning.
Men, our goal today is to listen to what the women have said and try to discover how we can become the men God wants us to be.
In order to do that I want to present two metaphors to you to help you better understand women. They’re metaphors that have helped clarify things for me and which I’ve seen work for others as well. The first was coined by a well known author named Willard F. Harley the author of a book entitled His Needs, Her Needs. What Dr. Harley asserts is that a woman’s heart is like a love bank. The higher the balance the better the relationship between a man and a woman.
Think about newlyweds: when they’re first married their love banks are overflowing. We’re attracted to people with positive balances. Throughout our dating relationships we’re constantly making deposits into that account by spending time with each other by giving little gifts by doting over each other. And even through the ordeal of the wedding the love bank remains high. We go off on our honeymoons and chase each other for a few days making deposits and withdrawals and then one day we wake up and discover reality. And what we forget over time is that the balance in that love bank diminishes with time. When our wives perform the daily tasks that we so often take for granted we are making withdrawals from that love bank. When they care for the kids, when they prepare a meal for us, all of these are small withdrawals. But none of these withdrawals are significant as long as we continue to make deposits in that account.
Most of those small withdrawals go unnoticed by our wives until we make large withdrawals like forgetting a birthday or blowing up at her when we come home from work.
And just like a bank account withdrawals without deposits result in an overdrawn account. If I spend more money than I have in my bank account the bank notifies me immediately. But my wife doesn’t send me such a notice. Instead what happens is that relationships get to the point where one party is in such debt to the other that the lender decides to close the account and the two parties go their separate ways. That’s why so many marriages end in divorce today.
The frustration for us men is that our currency is different than that of our wives. That stringy lacy thing you picked up from Victoria’s Secret for her for Christmas just doesn’t melt her heart. We try to love our wives by making deposits in a foreign currency and then we wonder why the account is all dried up.
My aim today is to help you understand a woman’s currency a little bit better.
Quickly, the second metaphor that may help us men to better understand the women in our lives is a metaphor by Gary Chapman in his book “The Five Love Languages.” Much like Dr. Harley, Gary Chapman says we all have a love tank that needs to be filled up. And he asserts that we all speak different languages in order to go about filling those tanks. Some of us do so through words of affirmation. Others through acts of service. Others through the giving of gifts. Others through physical touch. The problem in a relationship is that while I may speak one language and like to receive love in another language my spouse may not speak the language in which I need to receive love. And so our love tanks don’t get filled up.
In order to understand what women want and need we’ve got to learn to make deposits in their love bank and speak their love language.
And in order to help you do that I’ve read the surveys that were returned to me this week and spoken with several women and compiled the four most common themes that I heard them share.
Now please understand that not all women are alike. These are only the most common and may not apply to every woman here, but chances are, men, that at least two to three of these will hit the nail right on the head with your wife or girlfriend, or daughter, or whoever the women in your life are with whom you are trying to communicate.
The answers to some of these questions apply specifically to the romantic relationship between a man and a woman while others can apply to relationships between fathers and daughters, etc.
The first response that I heard from my wife and from women across the congregation was that they feel closest to their husband when he “touches me in an intimate but non-sexual way. When we touch them by holding their hands, by cuddling with them, by giving them hugs, by kissing them or stroking their hair. Over and over again women have said “I feel loved when he touches me,” but here’s the key, “when he touches me as a way of showing me that he loves me and not simply as a means to another end in the end.” Do you follow me? While those other things are important sometimes we men simply need to say “I want to hold your hand, or rub your feet, or give you kisses, not because I want something else, but simply because I love you.” That’s what women seem to be saying.
The second most common response was that women feel closest to their husband when he “listens to me and shares his feelings with me.” Women have a desire to be able to share their feelings and to be able to share their thoughts. What amazes me is that this is a deposit which is so easily made and yet so difficult for so many of us men. Gary Smalley shared in a study several years ago that research has shown that the average man has the need to speak about 2,000 words in a day while the average woman has the need to speak about 10,000 words in a day so by the time the man gets home from works he used up his quota but his wife is just getting warmed up.
I’ve found this to be true in my own marriage. When I actually put aside the things I’m doing and forget about church work and spend time with my wife really talking and listening to her it makes her feel loved. She craves quality time with me. She wants to know that she’s important to me and I can show her that by taking the time to really listen to her.
But not only do women want us to listen to them but the women who completed these surveys said they appreciate it when we men open up and share our feelings as well. The women in our lives want to know what’s going on inside of us. They feel loved when we are vulnerable with them.
Women, that’s hard for us to do. I’ll never forget when I was little and would cry hearing things like, “Big boys don’t cry” and “Cry baby.” We’ve been taught that men are to be strong. We’ve been trained to stuff our feelings inside. And it’s difficult for us to open up and communicate on the level that you desire.
But men, the greater our ability to communicate and be vulnerable the deeper our relationships can be.
The third response that I heard women say was that they feel closest to their husbands when “he is actively involved with the kids and/or around the house.” We’re not just talking to young married couples here. No matter what stage of life you’re in whether you’re working with young children or adult children or even grand children, women say that they feel closer to their husbands when they see them involved with those children.
And, guys this is a difficult one, but I can’t ignore it since every woman I talked to repeated it, they feel closest to us when we are involved around the house. When we take out the garbage without being asked. When we take on our fair share of the work around the house without making excuses about our inability or about how we can’t do things right. Dr. Kevin Leman has a book entitled “Sex Begins in the Kitchen.” The thesis of the entire book is that intimacy between a man and a woman begins outside of the bedroom. It’s the little things in life that lead to intimacy. I’m speaking to myself as well as anyone else when I say this, but we can’t expect to take our wives for granted all day long and then suddenly ask her to get turned on to us and fulfill our needs when we haven’t been meeting her needs.
Women feel most loved when those men who are important to them get involved with the family or around the house.
Finally, the fourth most common response that I heard this week is that women feel most loved when their husbands “appreciate them.” Women want to know that they are appreciated, that they’re not taken for granted. My wife needs to hear from me the words “thank you” more frequently. Thank you for all the things you do to take care of me. Thank you for the magnificent job you do with the children. Men, women need to know that we see, and that we noticed the things they’ve done and that we’re grateful for them.
Many women are walking around with empty love banks not because we haven’t done the other things for them but because we don’t take the time to stop and communicate how much we appreciate them.
Do you remember the scripture reading last week? God created Eve as a gift to Adam, to come along and be his companion, his helper, his partner in life. The key to appreciating the women that God has given to us is recognizing they are a gift from God.
Men, part of the key to a successful relationship is spending time every day thanking God for those women. When I come into my office in the morning and spend time in prayer one of the first things I pray for is my wife. I thank God for her. And in my own relationship with her the more time I take to give thanks for her the more grateful I feel for her and the more I express that gratitude for her.
As we wrap up this morning I want to briefly hit on some points for those of you who are single. You see I believe within these series there are truths for each of us to learn whether we’re married or not.
One of the questions I asked of the women was what are the qualities you find most attractive in a man…
Those qualities should qualities to which we are all aspiring no matter our status in life or relationships, because the qualities that were shared in these surveys are the same qualities that are outlined for us in Colossians 3:12-17. The Apostle Paul writes these things: “As God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience. Bear with one another and if anyone has a complaint against another, forgive each other; just as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. Above all, clothe yourselves with love, which binds everything together in perfect harmony.”
The Apostle Paul outlines several things which should be characteristic of us as Christians and as men and women of God. And incredibly enough those same things were the top qualities that women desired in men:
Here they are:
1. Faith. Both married women and single women alike have shared that they desire a man of faith. Those of you who are married, your wives want you to step up and be as concerned with this area of your life as they are. Fathers, Grandfathers, you can love and teach your daughters and grand-daughters by your faith.
2. Kindness. Women desire men who are kind.
3. Caring.
4. Generous.
5. Loving.
Whether you’re married or not each of us can work in these areas of our lives because we’re all called to live lives marked by these traits.
As we wrap up this morning I want to briefly look with you at the verse that’s at the top of your outlines: Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her. How did Christ love the church? He sacrificed himself for it. Men, that’s the kind of love we’re called to be exhibiting to the women God has given to us. This is our calling. If you’re married then this is what you’re here on earth for. This is what you’ll be held accountable for at the day of judgment. Did you love your wives in this way? Did you build her up? We can’t show our wives the love they deserve and need when we’re tearing them down or crushing them or hurting them. Will our marriages be perfect? No. Will there be conflict. Absolutely. None of us are perfect. But this is the ideal. Husbands when you wake up in the morning this is what should be on our minds: how can we love our wives in the way that Christ love the church. That’s what we’re called to do. Husbands, when you love in this way what you’ll begin to discover is that your love bank will be filled to.
Women, your husbands can do everything in their power to fill your love banks, to speak your love languages but if you don’t recognize that they have a love bank to it’s never going to work that’s why next week we’re going to turn the tables and address the topic “What Men Wish Women Knew About Men.” I hope you’ll join me then.
