How the Bible Views Marriage
Valentine’s Day is coming up – day of luv… romance, dating, marriage… Much of our culture is preaching love and intimacy without commitment. Time is ripe for us to reaffirm marriage to stem the tide of our culture’s influence and to prevent broken hearts, cold feet at the altar and be fully alive to the vision of joy and love that God wants for each marriage. This recent stat alone should cause to take a double take:
YAmericans aged 13-17, who believe unmarried couples living together is acceptable
Y Teens overall: 70 percent
Y Churchgoing teens: 50 percent
Gallup Poll - “Snapshots” USA Today (6-10-03)
A. Marriage is good.
27So God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them. 28Then God blessed them, and God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply; fill the earth and subdue it; have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air, and over every living thing that moves on the earth.”… 31Then God saw everything that He had made, and indeed it was very good. So the evening and the morning were the sixth day. Genesis 1:27-31 (NKJV)
Three things from the very beginning we need to know about marriage:
1. God affirms both sexes. “Male and female He created them” which tells us there is no other different “lifestyle choices.” The Genesis passage is a clear statement that homosexuality is NOT part of God’s will or design. Two sexes, male and female and not a third was affirmed and it was very good!
2. God is in it! There is something very good about both male and female. Together they formed the image of God. It is blessed by God! There is something about very attractive about God Himself. It was never the intention of God to separate the sexes, as God said in Genesis 2:18 (NKJV): “IT IS NOT GOOD that man should be alone; I will make him a helper comparable to him.”
3. God blessed it: Part of the blessing of God in a perfect world is marriage, very good sex and kids. His will is “be fruitful and multiply.” How can this be fulfilled apart from sex and marriage? This was all “very good” to God! God has placed sexual desire in every person anf it was definitely part of His design.
So, we should not be treating sex and marriage as if it were a dirty little secret that holy people do not talk about. One whole book in the Bible is dedicated to it – “the Song of Songs” and it celebrates the joys of marital love and intimacy. It was there before sin entered the world. In a profound way we can say that the sexual revolution started with God, it was His idea. Males will be attracted to females and vice versa, and that’s a fact of life. Right off the bat God deals with it and proclaimed it as part of His creation, part of His joy, part of Himself, in the very image of God!
In the context of marriage, the Bible speaks of Christ as the Bridegroom who loved and gave Himself to the Church as His bride (Eph.5:25-32). No wonder God As Tim Stafford (1993,p.81) commented “A good family, which begins with a good marriage, is a signpost of heaven.” What happens between a man and woman as depicted in a wedding ceremony is but a taste of heaven.
B. Marriage is forever.
21And the LORD God caused a deep sleep to fall on Adam, and he slept; and He took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh in its place. 22Then the rib which the LORD God had taken from man He made into a woman, and He brought her to the man. 23And Adam said:
“This is now bone of my bones
And flesh of my flesh;
She shall be called Woman,
Because she was taken out of Man.”
24Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. 25And they were both naked, the man and his wife, and were not ashamed. Genesis 2:21-25 (NKJV)
1. One-flesh Mystery: Seen a child cling to their parents? What would cause a child to leave father and mother? Why risk leaving, forsaking the close parent-child tie? The answer comes through Adam’s cry of discovery “bone of my bones” – a glorious unashamed “yes, yes, yes” to someone he can share life with and be completely at home with in the one-flesh mystery God created. There is a “wow” factor involved. As Matthew Henry observed: “man being made last of the creatures, as the best and most excellent of all, Eve’s being made after Adam, and out of him, puts an honour upon that sex, as the glory of the man, 1 Co. 11:7. If man is the head, she is the crown, a crown to her husband, the crown of the visible creation. The man was dust refined, but the woman was dust double-refined, one remove further from the earth.” Now wonder Adam said “wow” to God’s beautiful creation when He brought Eve to him.
2. An exclusive relationship: There is a mutual unashamed nakedness between man and wife. As Stafford observed (1993,p.78): “Intimacy seems a weak word to describe it” and I concur, for there is a joy and depth of relationship of the one-flesh mystery that’s beyond description. This closeness, and exclusive relationship is affirmed by Jesus who said “So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate” (Mark 10:8-9, NIV). It is this understanding that gives the marriage vow “Till death do us part.”
3. The Rib-Factor: Matthew Henry commented: “That the woman was made of a rib out of the side of Adam; not made out of his head to rule over him, nor out of his feet to be trampled upon by him, but out of his side to be equal with him, under his arm to be protected, and near his heart to be beloved.” The pattern for proper behavior as God intended in marriage is not a selfish preoccupation with one’s needs but a partnership of love, care and deep concern between co-equals that cannot be reproduced anywhere in the image of God.
AS we can the see Bible teaches a high view of marriage. It affirms the joy of marriage, of discovering another that’s in the image of God, it’s a holy encounter with another, beautiful and excellent in every way, for it celebrates love and God is love! It speaks to the core of our being, does it not? Oh the joy of being found, precious, cherished, loved unconditionally!!
Hence, to try to take the passionate of joy exclusive innocent discovery of another out of the marriage relationship through illegitimate means such as adultery, or adding partners or to experiment sexually or go into other deviant sexual relationships is to rob oneself of the fullness of unashamed joy God intended for people to experience. Breaking a one-flesh bond or divorce is never part of God’s original plan. The fact that God did allow for divorce, is not a sign that God likes it but it was because He conceded to human weakness, their hard-heartedness, their sin with a view of redeeming lost people (Matt.19:8-9). In the Genesis text we are reminded God’s design is one man and one woman and not multiple partners. Women are not made to be treated as junk, used-up sex-toys but be cherished forever and ever by their one-woman man.
Do you now see why God commands, “do not commit adultery” in the 10 commandments? Do you see how not following God’s ways destroys what God made to be cherished and awesome and beautiful and romantic? Most of all, when the design of the God of love is spurned, all hell breaks loose, people’s lives are crushed, hopes and dreams shattered, innocence is trampled on, respect is out the door, abusive of all sorts occurs, lives are broken and some beyond repair. Is this what we want? I think, the Bible’s view of marriage offers more freedom, peace, joy and hope than any view in the world.
C. Questions on the road to marriage
1. Is dating in the Bible? It’s the same answer for - are there lap-tops in the Bible? NO. This is a modern invention. In biblical times, the parents arranged most marriages. A glimpse into that is found in Genesis 24 (NLT) where Abraham arranged a marriage for his son Isaac.
Abraham was now a very old man, and the LORD had blessed him in every way. 2 One day Abraham said to the man in charge of his household, who was his oldest servant, 3 “Swear by the LORD, the God of heaven and earth, that you will not let my son marry one of these local Canaanite women. 4 Go instead to my homeland, to my relatives, and find a wife there for my son Isaac.”
2. Are there guidelines for dating relationships in the Bible? YES. Since we are no longer in the slave business era any more, let’s stay away from “ownership” of another. Some people enter into dating with an attitude that says, “you belong to me.” But today no one are slaves! People, boys and girls, are not private property to be traded around and owned like cattle. We need to enter into relationships with a healthy respect for people created in God’s image. They are not be owned, abused, manipulated to suit your own desires, just remember they are NOT your slaves! So if you want slavery, you be the slave, serve the other person like Christ came to serve and not to be served , and not attempt to make the other person serve you. Remember this passage from the Bible in Philippians 2 (NLT):
3 Don’t be selfish; don’t live to make a good impression on others. Be humble, thinking of others as better than yourself. 4 Don’t think only about your own affairs, but be interested in others, too, and what they are doing. 5 Your attitude should be the same that Christ Jesus had. 6 Though he was God, he did not demand and cling to his rights as God. 7 He made himself nothing; he took the humble position of a slave and appeared in human form.
So be other-person oriented. Take note of Ephesians 4:29 (NIV) “Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for BUILDING OTHERS UP ACCORDING TO THEIR NEEDS, that it may benefit those who listen.” And Ephesians 4:32 (NLT) “Be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you.” The Bible is clear that relationships are there to show the grace of Christ, not to serve your own agenda. In general, let the Spirit of God by the grace and love of Christ guide you. Key thing here is that you would grow and develop and be the “right” person for others rather than go searching for the right person.
3. When should I start dating? After you’re married??? When you’re 33? Physical age is not a good guideline. How many car accidents are caused by immature people, who may be old enough to drive but not spiritually or emotionally old enough to discern what are good driving skills, giving way to others, forgiving others on the road, thinking about others first rather than one’s own ego? Grow up spiritually and emotionally first! Perhaps when you are mature enough to handle responsibly adult-type pressures, such as
a) You are able to forgive others as Christ forgave you. Jesus taught us to pray “forgive our sins as we forgive those who sin against us.” Part of the moral rot of this world is the problem of unforgiveness.
b) You are able to think clearly and biblical view of the world and not be influenced by peer pressure, and our sex-crazed culture.
c) Your self-image is not based on whether you’re dating or not. You can handle life, trusting that God alone looks after your needs, not your date or your mate for no one can be perfect enough to meet all your true needs except God.
d) You are not dating with the idea that “this is it. I have to marry this person.” Be friends first! Go out for coffee, not a proposal! You’ll scare everybody if every date is a proposal!
e) You are committed to pursue purity and the biblical teaching of marriage, saving sex for marriage.
f) Since you’re not yet leaving father and mother, honor them by letting them know you’re on a date. I bet they’ll be dying to know and rejoice with a “hey you’re growing up.”
g) You are able to communicate (not having shouting matches like little kids) calmly your standards for dating relationships to your parents.
h) Your life is not over when someone breaks up with you or reject you.
4. Should I consider dating non-Christians? When it comes what marriage partner is God’s will for me - think through this Scripture verse “A wife should stay married to her husband until he dies. Then she is free to marry again, but only to a man who is a follower of the Lord” 1 Cor.7:39 (CEV). The Bible is clear Christians should marry Christians. Look at the example of Solomon who married many “foreign” wives, the Bible records that was the key reason why his heart turned away from God (1 Kings 11:1-9) and God was angered by that. So that is why the Bible says in 2 Corinthians 6:14-16 (CEV) “Stay away from people who are not followers of the Lord! Can someone who is good get along with someone who is evil? Are light and darkness the same? 15 Is Christ a friend of Satan? Can people who follow the Lord have anything in common with those who don’t? 16 Do idols belong in the temple of God? We are the temple of the living God.” An illustration (Susan K.Harris The Courtship of Olivia Langdon, Cambridge University Press, 1996):
From what I can tell, Mark Twain was not a Christian, nor did he claim to be when he began courting. Olivia Langdon came form a professing Christian family that would not allow their daughter to marry an unbeliever. Twain took on the guise of a spiritual seeker who needed the support and prayers of Olivia’s family in order to clean up his life.
Twain wrote to his mother after his engagement: “My prophecy was correct… (Livy) said she never could or would love me-but she set herself the task of making a Christian of me. I said she would succeed, but that in the meantime she would unwittingly dig a matrimonial pit and end by tumbling in it-and lo! The prophecy is fulfilled.”
Influenced by Olivia’s prodding, Twain presumably converted. Olivia’s family permitted the marriage. But was Twain’s conversion an illusion? One scholar insists that Twain “was a man in love, wooing a woman he hoped to marry. His ‘religious’ feelings at that time, expressed in love letters to Olivia, disappeared as soon as the nuptials were over.” After their wedding, Twain ridiculed his wife’s beliefs and devotion. Soon Olivia’s optimism waned, and her fervent faith cooled. Eventually she forsook her religion altogether, and a deep sorrow deluged Olivia’s life.
Mark Twain loved her, but he broke her spirit. He said, “Livy, if it comforts you to lean on your faith, do so.”
She replied sadly, “I cannot. I do not have any faith left.”
Twain often wished he could restore Olivia’s faith, hope and optimism, but it was too late.
So stay away from “missionary dating”, dating a non-Christian in order to convert him/her; it is, as one Christian counselor noted “a setup for disaster.” It is a good idea to surround yourself with good Christian friends. Get involved with Christian friends when it comes to serious dating. Great thing to do is hang out together in a big group or have group-dating, it’s my experience that’s it’s fun and wholesome.
Gina Dalfonzo wrote this article called "Life in the Twilight Zone: The Weird World of Christian Dating" found in breakpoint.org. It is well written and totally needed for our day. Take it home and read!
Last Valentine’s Day, our church singles group held its annual party where the men cook for the ladies. After a delicious meal a bunch of us sat around our host’s living room chatting. I noticed that quite a few of us were talking about our online dating experiences. And it suddenly struck me as odd. Here we were, a group of single young men and women who saw each other fairly regularly—and nearly all of us were looking for dates elsewhere.
It was just one more example, as if any were needed, of the extreme weirdness of the contemporary Christian dating scene. Those who haven’t experienced this bizarre phenomenon are probably already bored—oh, great, another Christian female whining about the single life— but those who have will understand that sometimes the strangeness of the whole situation just gets to be too much. Engaging in social activities with attractive, intelligent single Christian men and women who apparently have no idea how to relate to each other, and are driven to seeking the perfect mate by computer, starts to make you feel as if you’ve strolled into the Twilight Zone and can’t find your way out. You have to talk (or write) about it every once in a while, both to try to understand what’s going on and to keep from losing your sanity.
I do realize that both genders have been complaining about each other, and about the whole romantic experience, since the beginning of time. But it seems to me that single Christians today are facing a whole new set of obstacles. When single men and women are constantly doing everything in large bunches, or splitting into separate groups at church activities like kids at a junior-high dance, it seems pretty clear that something’s up.
The experience of a friend of mine serves as a useful example. A male friend from the singles group asked her to a formal dinner he needed to attend. She got all dressed up and looked great. He arrived to pick her up, hardly talked to her during dinner, never complimented her on how she looked, and when it was over, took her straight home, getting there at nine o’clock . She asked him to come in for a while; both of them knew that her mother and sister would still be up, so there was no impropriety involved. He declined and took off, and didn’t ask her out again. Perhaps he just realized that they weren’t right for each other—it happens. But that doesn’t explain why he acted as he did. My friend still hasn’t figured it out.
The kicker was that this was a man who had prayed aloud during the singles’ Adult Bible Fellowship class that God would send him a wife. I guess God was just supposed to drop the wife in his lap when He was ready, without any effort on the man’s part.
I use this example to illustrate the growing distance between Christian single men and women, who often don’t seem to know what they want, what to expect from each other, or how to treat each other, and end up using the “fight or flight” approach to dating. Knowing this woman as I do, I find it impossible to believe that she belched during dinner, or said something embarrassing in front of his colleagues, or talked him half to death. On the contrary, she’s well mannered, easygoing, and a great conversationalist. But this is the kind of behavior that would make any woman wonder if, sometime during the date, she had accidentally transformed into the Wicked Witch of the West without knowing it. Unfortunately, it’s behavior that more and more Christian singles have been experiencing.
So what’s going on here? I’m not certain, but I’d like to hazard a few guesses, if I can do so without contributing too much ammunition to the age-old battle of the sexes.
First of all, the secular world influences us more than we realize. According to recent statistics, singles today make up almost half of America’s population. The legacy of the sexual revolution has a lot to do with this. When sexual relationships without the responsibility of a permanent commitment become permissible, the idea of commitment becomes less and less attractive, especially to the male of the species.
So we’ve created a culture that shies away from commitment—and thereby a culture where young adults remain in a stage of extended adolescence. Now, I know very few Christians who indulge in promiscuity, although I’m well aware that some do. But it seems that even those who remain chaste are being affected by our society’s aversion to commitment. Given the choice between raising a family and feeling like a kid for a little longer—or a lot longer—it’s not surprising that many people, especially men, are choosing the latter option, especially with so many cultural voices urging them in that direction. It can be difficult to swim against such a strong current.
There’s another trend that I think contributes to fear of commitment, this one a Christian trend rather than a secular one. I can sum it up in three words: the courtship movement. The Christian dating world has seen a lot of fads come and go, but I think this one has really done some damage. I’ve yet to meet a Christian single woman who doesn’t make a face when certain popular courtship books come up in conversation. I’m not slamming the authors—I think they had the best of intentions, to urge Christians to take their romantic relationships more seriously. And I’m sure that these books have helped some people who needed help in this area.
The trouble is that for many, they worked too well. After a multitude of young adult pastors and teachers seized on these ideas and taught them to a generation of singles, some Christian men started taking relationships so seriously that now they’re petrified to ask a girl out for coffee, lest they be expected to drop to one knee immediately afterwards. It’s rather ironic, really. The truly admirable part of the courtship movement, its insistence that we ought to put the feelings of others before our own, has been twisted—unintentionally, I know—into a way of disappointing and even hurting others.
You’ve probably heard people say that some Christians are so heavenly minded that they’re no earthly good. I suggest that this applies to the courtship movement, and to a lot of other Christian dating fads that started off with a bang, Atkins-like, and then faded away. Some Christian singles—both men and women—are so caught up in trying the latest bestselling system for finding-the-will-of-God-and-getting-the-most-out-of-life-in-six-easy-steps that they tend to forget that life and relationships, with God and with their fellow human beings, are much messier and more complicated than that.
And maybe that’s the real problem—we just don’t want to deal with complications. Really getting to know another person, trying to find out if this might be the person with whom you want to spend your life, can be truly scary. We’ve all felt that fear. It’s easier to back away, to keep all relationships with the opposite gender on the “just friends” level forever, to stay safe. We might as well be taking relationship advice from Henry Higgins in My Fair Lady: “Let a woman [or a man] in your life/And your serenity is through.”
As C. S. Lewis wrote in The Four Loves, “If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one. . . . Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness.” Never before has any culture made it so easy for men and women alike to do just that. We pour every ounce of energy we have into our education and our careers, and when we’re not doing that, we have about a zillion options for keeping ourselves entertained without ever having to step outside our front door. Who wants to take the time and trouble to sustain a relationship with another human being? We’re too busy being self-sufficient to give serious thought to the idea of self-giving.
In light of all these cultural pressures, I guess it’s really no wonder that the Christian dating scene is a mess. But what we’re going to do about it, I’m not sure. We’ve been listening for too long to a world that prizes isolation and self-centeredness as keys to advancement, and it’s led to us to an impasse. Unless Christian single men and women learn to communicate honestly with each other about their hopes and fears, and to accept what our Lord taught about love—that it’s more about giving than getting—I don’t see how we’re going to get past it.
5. Is there something wrong with me if I stay single?
Now after all this great teaching and words from the Bible regarding marriage, we must not look down on singles.
Paul and Jesus are great example of bachelors. I believe Paul thought that singleness is great, as he wrote “it is good for a man not marry” (1 Cor.7:1, NIV) but he conceded because of the sex-crazed culture “for it is better to marry than to burn with passion” (1 Cor.7:9, NIV) . He would counsel people to stay single, as he was, “that you may live in a right way in undivided attention to the Lord” ( 1 Cor.7:35, NIV) because “the time is short” (1 Cor.7:29, NIV). His motive in doing this is “to be free from concern” because marriage is not a bed of roses, as our divorce rates confirm (1 Cor.7:32, NIV). Paul said, “those who marry will face many troubles in life, and I want to spare you this” (1 Cor.7:28, NIV). Enjoy being single, do not rush into marrying, devote yourself to God! What Paul is after here is the heart of the believer.
Jesus Himself acknowledged marital life is not all a bed of roses when faced with the high view of marriage from God’s Word. For instance, in Matthew 19:10 (NIV) the disciples said, “If this is the situation between a husband and wife, IT IS BETTER NOT TO MARRY.” Jesus replied in 19:11-12 (NIV): 11 “Not everyone can accept this word, but only to whom it has been given. 12 Some are born as eunuchs, some have been made that way by others, and some choose not to marry for the sake of the Kingdom of Heaven. Let anyone who can, accept this statement.” So marriage is not for everyone but some are gifted to be single, should remain single to devote themselves totally to God’s service (1 Cor.7:7).
CONCLUDING REMARKS
Feel that God is really putting a clamp on your lifestyle? There is no fun here, I like to experiment. Think again, will you? 1 Timothy 6:17 (NLT) says: “Tell those who are rich in this world not to be proud and not to trust in their money, which will soon be gone. But their trust should be in the living God, who richly gives us all we need for OUR ENJOYMENT.” The principle here, hear this… God’s will is for us to enjoy richly His blessing; we will mess up big time, if we think we know a better way. God is here to tell He wants the best for us? Don’t you want a life that’s better? Trust God’s way then!
Messed up sexually? Messed up about life? Feel sick about your sin against God? Luke 5:29-31 (NLT)
29 Soon Levi held a banquet in his home with Jesus as the guest of honor. Many of Levi’s fellow tax collectors and other guests were there. 30 But the Pharisees and their teachers of religious law complained bitterly to Jesus’ disciples, “Why do you eat and drink with such scum?”
31 Jesus answered them, “Healthy people don’t need a doctor—sick people do. 32 I have come to call sinners to turn from their sins, not to spend my time with those who think they are already good enough.”
1 Timothy 1:15-16 (NLT)
15 This is a true saying, and everyone should believe it: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—and I was the worst of them all. 16 But that is why God had mercy on me, so that Christ Jesus could use me as a prime example of his great patience with even the worst sinners. Then others will realize that they, too, can believe in him and receive eternal life.
If you have messed up, confess what went wrong with God, who’ll hold you together when your life comes apart. Believe me He is ready to forgive. Christ died for your sins, His love is there for you, open up your heart and receive His gift to you.
If you are considering dating and marriage, put God first in all things, grow up in His love, be mature in your walk with Christ, let God develop your life, your character and then you’ll find that He is meeting the desires of your heart. Trust Him. PRAY!
