Connect Four
How to Make a “Friend” Connection
11/05/03
I. Introduction
Ever wonder why geese fly in a V formation? Scientists at Cal Tech did. They put their computers and flight simulators to work and discovered the answer—flocks of geese form this pattern because it’s the easiest way to fly.
The formation acts aerodynamically like a single wing; that is, wind drag is distributed equally across all the birds. This in turn reduces drag on each individual bird. Twenty-five geese flying together in a V can travel seventy percent farther than one goose flying alone.
Because the lead goose actually situates itself slightly behind the perfect point position of the V, the geese that follow relieve some of its wind drag. It does not have to work harder than the others.
The benefit of the airflow pattern in the V (because it acts as a single flying wing) goes both ways. While the lead birds pull along those that are behind, the followers’ flight sends relief back up to the front.
From geese we can learn that, although we live in a society that promotes individualism and self-reliance, we function more effectively in community. Like the geese, we were created by God to work together, serve together, and encourage and support each other. When we cooperate and help each other to succeed, we not only accomplish much, but we do it with less stress and difficulty.
It’s not enough for us to know that we should work together and serve together and function in a community, it’s extremely important for us to know HOW! And so tonight I’m going to teach you how to make a connection, be it with someone at school, someone who comes to church, or someone you meet anywhere else.
II. Connections Don’t Just Happen
How many of ya’ll have played Connect Four before?
Well, if you’ve played this game, then you have some understanding of the fact that connections don’t just happen. In order for you to win at Connect Four, you must strategically drop your checkers in a certain place in order to get four in a row, or in order to make the connection.
Well, in the same way, connections with people don’t just happen. Someone has to make the first move in dropping a checker in the slot. So someone has to make the first move of introducing himself, and as the exchange between two people continue, a connection may or may not be formed. You may feel that you’re so close to making that connection, then the other person comes out of nowhere and completely blocks off the connection. And the parallels go on and on with people connections and checker connections. But in order to win in our relationships, we must become better at connecting.
And tonight I want to give you several keys to making a connection, and I believe that if you’ll follow these keys and provided the other person doesn’t block, you’ll be able to connect with anyone.
So, once we realize that connections don’t just happen, we can all step up and be the one to make the first move.
III. It’s Not “Hey, You!”
Chances are that we’ve all felt the awkwardness of forgetting someone’s name or someone else forgetting our name. You know, we walk in the door to youth group and we see that new person that we met last week.
“Hey, what’s up, Bill?”
“No, it’s Jennifer.”
“Oh, yeah, I knew that, I was yelling at Bill behind you.”
“There’s no one behind me.”
Or, we may try to play it safe and not let on that we have completely forgotten their name. You know, they come in and say, “Hey, Pastor Nate, how’s it going?” “Hey there, man, how you doing, bro?” And then they walk away and you’re thinking, “What was his name?”
You know, the best impression you can make on someone is remembering his name. I mean, to you, your name is the most important name you hear, and it makes a world of difference when somebody knows it.
Most people will readily admit that they’re terrible when it comes to remembering names. But we can’t make excuses like that and continue to expect to make a connection. We have to learn how to remember names.
So, here are some tips.
-If you have the time, make up a rhyme.
Let’s say you meet Jim at school tomorrow. Well, Jim is a tall, skinny fella with glasses. Once you meet Jim, you immediately begin making mental notes of his appearance and from then on, in your head, you’re calling him Slim Jim with glass Rims. So the next time you see that tall, skinny guy with glasses, you’ll immediately remember your rhyme and be able to call him by his name and not man, dude, homey or skinny guy.
-Depend on the Holy Spirit
John 14:26 “26But the Helper, the Holy Spirit, whom the Father will send in My name, He will teach you all things, and bring to your remembrance all things that I said to you.”
Depend on the Holy Spirit to quicken your memory and help you recall people’s names.
-Use an Index Card
Write down the person’s name and characteristics on an index card.
Jim – tall, thin, wears glasses, brown hair, green eyes
-Polaroid People
Take a picture and write their name on it. Use the pics as flashcards to rehearse over people’s names.
-Look for Nametag Accessories
Have you ever been to a grocery store and called the clerk by her name and she’s like, “How’d you know my name?” Well, you can say, “God told me” or “It’s on your nametag.” But the point is, some people may wear “nametags,” like a necklace with their name on it. Now, this won’t work if the girl has given her boyfriend her necklace, and you don’t want to end up calling John, “Melissa.” But otherwise, it comes in handy if someone wears jewelry that gives away her name.
IV. Ask Questions
Once you know someone’s name, it’s now easier to talk to that person. Well, what do I say? Do I tell them all about myself and share all my favorite stories? Or do I tell them about what somebody else did at the last Get Real event?
Here’s the thing-It’s not about what you say.
James 1:19 “19My dear brothers, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry,”
Have you ever heard the phrase, “God gave you two ears and one mouth, so you should listen twice as much as you speak”?
Ecclesiastes 3:1,7 “1There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven: 7a time to tear and a time to mend,
a time to be silent and a time to speak,”
There’s another phrase that says, “People don’t care how much you know, until they know how much you care.” In other words, it’s better to learn about someone else and genuinely care about what they’re saying than to tell your life story.
When trying to make a connection, people err on one side of talking too much, and then on the other side, not saying anything. The verse in Ecclesiastes says that there’s a time for speaking and a time for being silent. And to make a connection, you have to do both, but it begins with speaking-asking questions, then being silent and listening. What do I ask? Here’s a list of conversation openers and deepeners, things that can break the ice and get someone to open up to you.
Conversation Openers
Hi, I’m _______________, and you’re …?
How did you hear about our group/church?
What school do you go to?
What grade are you in?
What’s the best thing that’s happened to you so far today?
Tell me about your family.
What do you like best about winter (spring, fall, or summer)?
What do you like to do in your spare time?
What’s the best movie you’ve seen this year?
What kind of music do you like?
Conversation Deepeners
What sort of qualities do you look for in a friend?
What’s it like to live at your house?
What three adjectives would your best friends use to describe you?
Tell me about the best day of your life.
Who’s your hero?
If you could ask God one question and know he’d answer right now, what would it be?
If there was one thing you could change about yourself, what would it be?
What’s your dream?
V. Be Interested
John 4:1-10 “1Therefore, when the Lord knew that the Pharisees had heard that Jesus made and baptized more disciples than John 2(though Jesus Himself did not baptize, but His disciples), 3He left Judea and departed again to Galilee. 4But He needed to go through Samaria.
5So He came to a city of Samaria, which is called Sychar, near the plot of ground that Jacob gave to his son Joseph. 6Now Jacob’s well was there. Jesus therefore, being wearied from His journey, sat thus by the well. It was about the sixth hour. 7A woman of Samaria came to draw water. Jesus said to her, "Give Me a drink."
8For His disciples had gone away into the city to buy food.
9Then the woman of Samaria said to Him, "How is it that You, being a Jew, ask a drink from me, a Samaritan woman?" For Jews have no dealings with Samaritans.
10Jesus answered and said to her, "If you knew the gift of God, and who it is who says to you, "Give Me a drink,’ you would have asked Him, and He would have given you living water."”
The first thing that this woman noticed about Jesus was that he was interested. If he wasn’t interested in who she was, he would have stuck to the “unwritten rule” of Jews don’t talk to Samaritans. But wait a minute, Pastor Nate, all he wanted was some water. No, he wasn’t even interested in getting any water for himself, he wanted to give her living water. If you read on in the passage, the woman left her water pots and didn’t even give him any water and then the disciples were trying to take care of him and get him some food, but he said his food was to do the will of God. So, he wasn’t caring about food or drink, he was interested in making a connection, and he did, so much so that not only did this woman realize that He was the Messiah, but she went off to tell her friends about Him.
Jesus spoke to this woman and was genuinely interested in who she was, and it changed her life. How many lives could you be changing by being interested in who people are?
VI. Find The Common Ground
Ephesians 4:24 (MSG) “25…In Christ’s body we’re all connected to each other, after all…”
While you’re listening, try to pick up on key things that you have in common with this person. The very fact that you’re both Christians is more than enough common ground to stand on. But, what if he’s not a Christian? Look for something else. Do you both enjoy playing sports? Reading? Other hobbies? What kind of movies do you watch? Are you in the same grade? Taking the same types of classes?
If you enjoy basketball, that’s a red checker. If he hates basketball, that’s a black checker, and he’s blocked the connection. But if you find enough things in common, you’re well on your way to getting a four way connection, but even if you don’t find “enough” things in common, finding one thing in common can be the beginning of a “friend” connection. Because generally, people want to be accepted for who they are, and feel like they belong or that they’re needed.
Annie was a large, rather unattractive girl.
A member of a youth group, Annie regularly attended most of the youth functions and Bible studies. During one of those meetings, the youth leader introduced a situational learning game called, “The Lifeboat.”
He instructed the dozen high school kids present to form their chairs to resemble the seating on a lifeboat. Then he said, “You twelve are the only survivors of a shipwreck. You have managed to make it to this lifeboat. Once you are aboard, however, you find to your horror that there are only provisions for eleven. Also, the boat can hold only eleven survivors. Twelve people will capsize the boat, leaving you all to drown. You must decide what to do.”
The group stared blankly at each other for a few moments before bursting into lively discussion. They decided that for the good of the majority of the members of the group, one person must be sacrificed. But who?
As the group discussed who would be left to drown, they eliminated various individuals perceived to be of value to the survivors. The strongest and most athletic boys couldn’t be sacrificed—their strength would be needed to row. Naturally, the boys wouldn’t think of letting any of the pretty girls become shark food. Slowly each individual in the group, with the exception of Annie, was mentioned and then discarded as a candidate for sacrifice. Some were too smart, too talented, or too popular.
Finally, Annie, who may not have been attractive but who was not dumb, blurted out, “I’ll jump.”
“No, no!” protested the group. But when pressed, they couldn’t think of one good reason why she shouldn’t jump—so they remained silent.
When the time to play the game ran out, the group members announced that they couldn’t reach a decision on what to do. The youth worker went on to teach a lesson using the example of the lifeboat. But Annie had already learned a lesson.
The next day, Annie jumped. Her youth group had affirmed her worst thoughts about herself. She truly was of no value.
Her “friends” in the youth group were baffled and deeply saddened by her suicide. After all, she had so much to live for. They just couldn’t think of what it was.
We rarely look below the surface to see in a person what Christ sees. Instead, we too often equate a person’s value with his or her looks, popularity, possessions, or abilities. If none of those things is obvious, then we see no value at all in that individual.
“Man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart” (1 Samuel 16:7b; 1 Peter 3:3-4). We need to see others as God sees them—as having inherent worth apart from what the world sees. Every human being was created in God’s image and is loved by him. Jesus died for all of us—and in Christ, we are all members of his family, brothers and sisters. Furthermore, each one of us is gifted by the Holy Spirit to make a unique contribution to his kingdom.
Acts 2:42-47 “42They devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. 43Everyone was filled with awe, and many wonders and miraculous signs were done by the apostles. 44All the believers were together and had everything in common. 45Selling their possessions and goods, they gave to anyone as he had need. 46Every day they continued to meet together in the temple courts. They broke bread in their homes and ate together with glad and sincere hearts, 47praising God and enjoying the favor of all the people. And the Lord added to their number daily those who were being saved.”
If you have the ability to speak and listen, you have the ability to make a connection. And making a connection is one part of carrying out the vision of Get Real and the great commission of making disciples. By making a connection here at church, you’re telling someone, I care about you and I hope you come back to church or youth group. And when people feel loved, they’ll come back, and when they come back, you can continue to make a connection, and in turn, they may make a connection with someone new, and so on and so forth, until we’re busting at the seams. THIS is how we’re going to reach this generation for Christ; THIS is how our youth ministry is going to grow, by making connections that change lives. That’s how the early church did it, and that’s how we’ll do it.
Let’s pray.
