“Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother (which is the first commandment with a promise), that it may be well with you, and that you may live long on the earth”
In addressing the ever-growing problem in modern society, of children disrespecting their parents, asserting their own rights and aggressively rejecting their counsel and their authority, D. Martin Lloyd-Jones called it “…one of the most ugly manifestations of the sinfulness and the lawlessness of this present age”. “Life In The Spirit” Baker Books, 1973
He called it ‘ugly’, when a child is disrespectful and disobedient to parents; and a manifestation of the sinfulness and lawlessness of this present age.
The book I got that from was published in 1973, and it is a collection of Lloyd-Jones’ sermons on Ephesians. So I have to think that quite probably, he was writing and preaching these sermons in the 1960s, and that the things he was saying were a reaction to the unrest he was witnessing here in America, and even in England, where he preached them, at Westminster Chapel.
If indeed these were preached prior to the 60s, then I can only say that Dr. Lloyd-Jones must have been especially appalled at the direction things took, in the decade of rebellion against what the young generation labeled ‘the establishment’.
Common sense tells us, of course, that the average family unit did not dwell together in the relative peace and harmony portrayed on “Leave It To Beaver” prior to the coming of the flower child, and the drug culture, and the public protests against virtually every long-held cultural tradition in America.
But the 1960s were certainly a decade of upheaval that killed an age of innocence and taught an entire generation of young people to ‘never trust anyone over thirty’.
Well, time marches on, and those rebellious youth are now in their 50’s and early 60’s, and they have, many of them, raised up another generation with much the same attitudes, and that generation is now having children of their own.
Now I’m not a student of sociology or psychology. I don’t know what the stats are, and I don’t know what percentage of those who came out of the 60s drug culture have now changed their minds about the way they looked at things then.
I know I occasionally run into an aging hippie or two; people who are stuck in the 60s; but they are the minority… I hope… and all live in Telluride or Crested Butte.
No, I cannot intelligently address the sociological issues stemming from that period in our history. But I can point to the general condition of the average family home in America, and the path our nation has taken over the past half a century, and the things we see coming out of our institutions of education, and say that just like every other area of life on this earth, Satan has perverted, and continues to pervert, the child/parent relationship, in order to destroy the significance it has as a type of Christ and the church, and keep the family unit from being what God intends for it to be.
Lloyd-Jones called the rebellion of children ‘ugly’. Maybe so. But in response to that I would have to say that when we see examples of children who are well-behaved and obedient to their parents, treating them and other adults around them with respect, seeking their wisdom and counsel and wanting to order their lives in a pure and Godly way, they paint a very beautiful picture, indeed. And they are a great joy to have around.
So let’s get into our text verses now, Ephesians 6:1-4, and glean some nuggets.
IN THE LORD
“Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.”
Paul turns from the wives and the husbands to the children, and admonishes them to obey. He does not use the word ’honor’ first, though that comes next; and he does not use words like ’respect’ or ’listen to’. He says obey.
More pointedly, he says to obey them ’in the Lord’. Now I’ve heard this verse treated in this way; that children should obey their parents as long as they are giving Godly instruction, or, ’in the Lord’, but if the parents are ’out of the Lord’, the child is not obligated.
That is bunk.
Not that a child should obey his parent if that parent takes him on a trip to the Grand Canyon and says, ’now jump’.
But to obey your parents in the Lord, is to render obedience to them as you would the Lord. In fact, it is to obey the Lord.
Jesus set the example for us, by coming to earth, to human parents, and obeying them in all things. Luke 2:41-52 Although He knew who He was and where He had come from, as is made clear by His question to them in the Temple, “Did you not know that I had to be in My Father’s house?”, still, He subjected Himself to their authority and rendered obedience to them.
In the same way that His subservience to them was an act of obedience to the Father, the Holy Spirit now tells children that their subjection to their parents is an act of obedience to the Lord.
He says ’for this is right’. Remember Wilfred Brimely’s oatmeal commercials from about 10 years ago? He’d end the commercial saying, “It’s the right thing to do”. And it grated on Lynn so much she groaned every time she heard it.
Paul is saying, ’it’s the right thing to do’. Children, to refuse to obey your parents; to rebel against their authority and their charge over you, is wrong. It is ugly. It is upside down. It is backwards.
Obey them, just because it is right. And in obeying them, you obey the Lord. Not just some principle for clean living. Not just according to some Scouting oath. It is a command from the God who ordained the family unit, and He says to obey your parents, so it is right.
Does it mean always agree with them? No! That would be asking the impossible.
I remember at a very young age, having a sort of ‘theological’ debate with my dad in the kitchen, about Mighty Mouse.
One Saturday morning somehow it came to his attention that I was watching a lot of television, so he made the pronouncement that from now on I was to watch less
Saturday morning T.V., and that was going to regulated by not turning the set on until later in the morning.
I was incredulous! Didn’t he know that Mighty Mouse was on VERY early? I said as much. He said it was a stupid cartoon anyway.
BLASPHEMY!!!
I argued that the people who made the cartoon made it so we’d have something to watch early Saturday morning while our parents were still sleeping.
He rebutted that they drew the cartoon to make money.
BLASPHEMY!!!
He could have said just about anything he wanted to about those manic Magpies, Heckle and Jeckle; they were just troublemakers anyway. But Mighty Mouse?
Well, it was an intense debate, though a short one, but through it all, I believe I showed respect for my father. But we did disagree.
Actually, we must have sort of agreed to disagree, because the following Saturday I was back in front of Mighty Mouse and nothing more was said.
Well you know the occasional disagreements only intensify as the child grows older and the topics of debate more important, therefore putting more at stake. They are natural. But they don’t have to be relationship-injuring, if a child has been brought up in the Lord, and is obedient to his or her parents in the Lord.
I think if children could and did always agree with their parents, sixty percent of people in the world would stay home and never go out on their own. Again, I don’t know the stats; I’m winging it in saying 60%, but that’s probably close to the number of young adults who finally leave home because their parents need for them to leave, and they need their freedom.
So there is a place for disagreeing and for respectful debate over an issue. But obedience is not an option. It is a command. Do you know the Lord?
Obey your parents, for this is right.
THE PROMISE
Now we have a very interesting parenthesis by Paul here; interesting because of the way it is worded. He says, “Honor your father and mother” quoting the 5th commandment given to Moses on Sinai, then says “(which is the first commandment with a promise)”
You see, it’s the only of the ten commandments that is accompanied by a promise.
Here is that commandment, from Deuteronomy, and also found in Exodus 20
“Honor your father and your mother, as the Lord your God has commanded you, that your days may be prolonged, and that it may go well with you on the land which the Lord your God gives you.” Deut. 5:16 (also Ex. 20:12)
If you pay attention to the specific wording, you see that God was making reference to the land He was going to give them in Canaan. Paul understands that the specific promises of God also have a spiritual and more general application, so in verse 3 of Ephesians 6 he says, “…that you may live long on the earth”
Now any reasonable person has to know that nothing about our behavior or any action we take or lifestyle we adopt is necessarily going to ensure us long life. Many good and obedient children have died very young, and many evil men have lived to a ripe old age.
I researched several commentators to see how they handled this verse, and one thing that was common to them all is that it was apparent they were struggling with this too.
Commandments 6 through 10 are not accompanied by a promise, so Paul could not have meant this in the way it seems to be intended on the surface. Why call it the ‘first’ commandment with promise, when it is the only one?
Well, perhaps this will help.
The word, “first” in the parenthesis, is “Protos”. Now that can be given different applications, depending upon the use of it. One meaning, rather than being first in order, like first in line, would be more like, first in importance. Chief. Of greater superiority.
Now this is the first commandment that concerns the relationship between man and man, whereas the first four had to do with man’s relationship to God.
So it may help our understanding of this, to paraphrase it this way.
“Honor your father and mother (which is a commandment of primary importance, and comes with indication that God wants to bless the one obedient to it), …”
Now verse three presents us with a small problem, as I eluded to a minute ago, because certainly we cannot hold God to any presumed obligation to make us prosperous and give us long life as a sort of payment, or reward, for being obedient to one commandment.
But I take verse three in this light. We generally accept, just because it is statistically true, that people these days have an average life-expectancy of around 70 years, give or take a few.
So your doctor might say to you, that if you have a fairly regular regimen of exercise, and eat properly and don’t smoke or indulge in other unhealthy habits, you can expect to life a long and healthy life.
That doctor will not promise you that you will not die in a plane crash or a vehicle accident. He or she won’t even promise you that you won’t suddenly die of a heart attack in your office one day, or suffer kidney failure, or any other ailment that assails mankind.
Those things do happen, sometimes to seemingly very healthy people. But since they are relatively infrequent, compared to the total of the population, the doctor will say that if you take care of yourself and take prudent precautions, you will probably die in your bed at a ripe old age.
This is the way I understand verses 2 and 3 of Ephesians 6. That the Holy Spirit is saying through Paul, that this commandment is of chief importance to God, and He wants His people to know that obedience to it brings blessing, and rebellion against it will most certainly bring sorrow and loss; like the doctor, giving you a diet plan and an exercise plan and saying, ‘follow these and stay healthy’. The implication is that if you do not follow them, then do not expect to stay healthy or live long.
And why would this particular commandment be of such prominent importance to God? Why put such emphasis on the importance of obedience to it?
I think because, in the same way the marriage relationship typifies Christ and the church, the relationship between children and parents typifies the relationship between Christ and the Father, and even the church and God the Father.
This promise that Paul talks about in the parenthesis, and then presented in verse 3, relates to long life, and inheritance.
On the spiritual plane, what we have been guaranteed in becoming children of God, is eternal life, and an inheritance in Him.
“The Spirit Himself bears witness with our spirit that we are children of God, and if children, heirs also, heirs of God and fellow heirs with Christ, if indeed we suffer with Him in order that we may also be glorified with Him.” Romans 8:16,17
There is the confirmation. Long life, and an inheritance.
So when Christian children are obedient to their parents, and honor them, they are a picture of Christ’s unfailing obedience to the Father in all things, and they are a picture of the church as those adopted into the family, and therefore destined to an inheritance, rich beyond imagination.
TO THE PARENTS
As we come to verse four, let’s make note, and I think it’s a valid one, that what Paul has to say here is for mothers and fathers. He says “…fathers, do not provoke your children to anger”, but let’s remember that he was writing to a culture that was very male-dominated, and the father was the ruler of the home, and the mother usually didn’t have a lot to say in any given matter. He ran the home, he made the rules, and he was the master of the house.
But we live in a time and culture where the woman certainly does have an equal say in many cases, and in many cases, she is the only parent in the home. So proper application of this exhortation of Paul’s in verse four, for us, would have to include both parents.
So let’s talk about ways parents might provoke their children to anger and what the implications would be.
Maybe at the top of the list, would be hypocrisy. Children are pretty honest and straightforward as a whole, and they, even the small ones, can often see through the hypocrisy of the adults around them faster than the adults themselves.
This frustrates them. They often feel powerless against it, and it angers them. During the 60’s as youth began to rebel against established authority, one of the chief complaints was that adults did not obey their own rules. The expectation was “do as I say, not as I do” and the young generation hated that.
Another source of irritation is inconsistency. If there is a house rule, enforce it with consistency. Don’t let it slide for a week and then blow up about an infraction without warning.
And enforce it fairly. If it applies to one child, it should apply to all.
Do you see what Paul’s concern is here? Remember back to the husband and wife relationship? If God expects the wife to be subject to her husband; to come under his headship and be obedient to him, then that places a great responsibility on the husband to be Christ to her. That is, to love her and cherish her and honor her and protect her, so she won’t be frustrated and in conflict with her duty before God and her relationship to him.
Well if the Holy Spirit commands children to be obedient to their parents, and to honor them, then in all fairness the parents aught not make obedience and honor detestable obligations.
“But” See it? Paul sets one thing as contrary to the other. “Do not provoke your children to anger; but…”
Don’t frustrate them with your hypocrisy; your inconsistency; your unfairness; your bullying. Don’t take advantage of your power over them, to make them feel impotent and useless. What is the opposite of that? What fundamental exercise in child-rearing avoids all that?
“…bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord”
Parents, you are commanded by God, to see to it that your children are exposed to the truth of God’s word, and then aided by you, helped by you, to know what is good and acceptable to Him, and how to live a life that is pleasing to Him.
Paul said earlier, “you are light in the Lord, walk as children of light, … trying to learn what is pleasing to the Lord” (5:8-10) You cannot do this; you cannot be the one who brings them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord, unless you, yourself, are disciplined and instructed.
You, parent, must be a disciple of His, a follower of His, being instructed in His word by His Holy Spirit and walking accordingly, or you cannot lead them.
No, it’s worse than that. If you are not following Christ, and you are not, yourself progressing in your knowledge of Him, and you tell them in hypocrisy and inconsistency to obey and honor you, and to be good Christians, ~ you will only anger them. You will frustrate them, you will drive them from yourself, and you will drive them from the church and from Christ.
How many young people are outside of the church today, and scoff at the very idea of considering the claims of Christ, because of the hypocrisy and inconsistency they saw all the while they were growing up, in the adults in the church; in many cases, their own parents?
Don’t anger or frustrate your children, parents. Instead, bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord; taking care first that this is the example they will see in you first.
I was discussing this portion of Paul’s letter with a fellow pastor recently and he said something very wise that I want to pass on to you. He took it all back to verse 18 and the admonition to be filled with the Spirit.
He said, and this is a direct quote, because I had it on email, …
“The Spirit’s empowerment is what allows us to exhibit what He wants – the love, the unity, the sacrifice, the selflessness, the exhibition of the covenantal relationship between Christ and the church, etc. But that means walking with and submitting to the Spirit. To the degree that I / we do that, the greater the smile on His face.”
- Jay Crenshaw
Parents, seek daily the infilling of His Holy Spirit, that you might walk before your children as examples of disciples of Christ, growing in the grace and knowledge of Him, and you will lead them to Him by your life and they will be this life’s richest blessing to you.
Children, the Bible doesn’t allow you to put conditions on the worthiness of your parents. It says obey them, it says honor them; and this is straight from God to you. Not this preacher, not even Paul, who wrote the words down. It was inspired by God, and He wants you to know that if you will be obedient in these things, you will have great blessings in your life.
And people who have listened to God and believed Him have never been disappointed..
