No one knows the pain of divorce more than one who has been divorced. Divorce is not a topic that I can talk about from personal experience; in twenty-one years of marriage Susie and I have never even entertained the idea. I found a couple of poems which express the pain of divorce.
I see a sea of blue,
It reminds me of you.
I cry, I weep,
I cannot sleep.
I am here and you are there,
Knowing that you just don’t care.
My pain inside I just can’t bare.
Knowing that you just don’t care.
I hear a song, and I cry.
I can’t believe you said “good-bye.”
I feel hurt.
I feel pain.
Nothing left in life to gain.
I am here and you are there,
Knowing that you just don’t care.
WHAT IS LOVE?
Love is bearable to all things.
Love is caring to all things.
Love is understanding.
Love is believing in each other.
Love has no secrets.
Love holds no grudges.
Love tells no lies.
Love asks no questions.
Love can be the best thing that happens to you.
Until it dies.
(Poems ©2001 M. Sims; OJar.com)
The poet has felt the pain of shattered love. A broken heart feels that love will only lead it on “until love dies” again. I too believe “love can be the best thing that happens to you,” but I have found love hopes, love perseveres, love never fails (see 1 Corinthians 13 7-8).
The prophet Malachi provides us with “Godly Insight for Daily Living.” Malachi opens his message laying a foundation of God’s eternal love. He then addresses how we come to God in worship and our need for repentance. Now Malachi is going to hit us all right where many of us live–marriage.
Some may be tempted to “tune out” thinking a message on marriage and divorce is not relevant to your life. Marriage is more than just a loving relationship between husbands and wives. MARRIAGE IS THE SPIRITUAL FOUNDATION FOR ALL OF SOCIETY; it is the cornerstone of how we relate to one another within our community. Male and female; young and old; regardless of your religious persuasion or ethnic background, MARRIAGE AFFECTS US ALL.
How important is the marriage relationship? Spin the hands of time and stop anytime throughout history, and spin the globe and stop anywhere man has lived and you will find a culture that is built upon the marriage relationship between men and women. Cultures may differ on how a couple is joined together in marriage and may even differ on the number of wives a husband could take, but the foundation of all relationships grows out of the marriage relationship.
MARRIAGE AFFECTS US ALL; it is the spiritual foundation for all society. If you begin to altar the concept of marriage, you are changing the foundation upon which our culture has been established. If we are not careful in our approach to the marriage relationship, then our entire society as we know it could crumble and fall all around us.
+ Malachi 2:10-16 10Have we not all one Father? Did not one God create us? Why do we profane the covenant of our fathers by breaking faith with one another? 11Judah has broken faith. A detestable thing has been committed in Israel and in Jerusalem: Judah has desecrated the sanctuary the Lord loves, by marrying the daughter of a foreign god. 12As for the man who does this, whoever he may be, may the Lord cut him off from the tents of Jacob--even though he brings offerings to the Lord Almighty. 13Another thing you do: You flood the Lord’s altar with tears. You weep and wail because he no longer pays attention to your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands. 14You ask, "Why?" It is because the Lord is acting as the witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant. 15Has not the Lord made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth. 16"I hate divorce," says the Lord God of Israel, "and I hate a man’s covering himself with violence as well as with his garment," says the Lord Almighty. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith. (NIV)
GOD HATES DIVORCE.
The Lord says, “I hate divorce” (verse 16). God does not say, “I hate the divorcee.” Don’t miss this point: GOD HATES SIN, BUT LOVES THE SINNER!
If you have been divorced, we are not here to throw stones at you. Our prayer is that you may find healing wholeness through Christ.
Remember, Malachi’s message is built upon the foundation of God’s great love for all of us. We have all sinned and fallen short of God’s desire, but He still loves us.
+ Ephesians 2:3-5 3We all did it, all of us doing what we felt like doing, when we felt like doing it, all of us in the same boat. It’s a wonder God didn’t lose his temper and do away with the whole lot of us. 4Instead, immense in mercy and with an incredible love, 5he embraced us. (MsgB)
God is here today to embrace us in His incredible arms of love. Regardless of what our past may have held, God is able to transform our hearts and give us a brand new start.
God hates divorce. However, in God’s eyes divorce is not just the final legal separation of a husband and wife. God sees the attitude of divorce husbands and wives hold against each other long before any papers are filed with a lawyer. Divorce and separation occurs first within the hearts of husbands and wives whom you and I may consider “happily married.” God is never surprised by the sudden break up of a family; He sees the seeds of separation sown long before the divorce harvest comes.
WHY DOES GOD HATE DIVORCE?
1. Disobedience to God’s Word.
Marriage is God’s idea. Malachi says through divorce we “profane the covenant” (verse 10). God’s word is blasphemed because of divorce.
When God created Adam, the Lord said, “It is not good for the man to be alone,” so God made woman a suitable helpmate for the man. When God brought Eve to Adam he said, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman’ for she was taken out of man.” The Bible then says, “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh” (See Genesis 2:18, 23, 24).
Likewise Jesus recognized how God had established and ordained the relationship of marriage.
+ Mark 10:6-9 6 But at the beginning of creation God ’made them male and female.’ 7’For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, 8 and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one. 9Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate. (NIV)
No fault divorce laws remove from the marriage vows “until death do us part” and replace it with “as long as it feels good.” God hates divorce because it violates His plan for marriage.
2. Dishonors our worship.
Many men had divorced their Jewish wives for a younger, more attractive foreign model. Malachi says divorce and remarriage has “desecrated the sanctuary of the Lord” (verse 11). These same men would then come to worship the Lord, but God, “no longer pays attention to [their] offerings or accepts them” (verse 13).
The heart of our culture is calloused and hard; likewise through divorce many of our hearts are broken and have lost all feeling. Until we let God touch our sin-hardened hearts none of us can offer Him anything of value.
If we accept marriage as a “disposable institution,” or believe divorce and remarriage is no big deal, then our worship is of little or no value to God. Bitterness and resentment toward a former spouse, or our present spouse for that matter, spoils our worship. You may bring your tithes and offering, lift your hands and sing, or raise your voice in prayer but it is all worthless if sin remains in our hearts.
+ Psalm 51:16 Going through the motions doesn’t please you, a flawless performance is nothing to you. (MsgB)
David understood that an outward expression of worship was meaningless. Only after our heart is clean will God acknowledge our offerings and praise; God will not despise a broken and contrite heart (see Psalm 51:17).
3. Defrauds us of God’s blessing.
+ Malachi 2:12 As for the man who does this, whoever he may be, may the Lord cut him off from the tents of Jacob–even though he brings offerings to the Lord Almighty. (NIV)
When we read verse 12 we may think, “What’s the big deal, so we’re cut off from ‘the tents of Jacob?’ I don’t live in a tent; I’ve got a nice four bedroom house with central air. I’m living the American dream!” You and I may have a big house filled with nice things, but is your house a home? Is your home a safe place, a refuge from outside attacks? Does your home provide you and your family peace and rest?
If your home is filled with turmoil and dissension , if instead of peace you face arguments, conflict and rebellion, then you have been “cut off from the tents of Jacob”–that is you have defrauded and cheated yourself out of God’s blessing upon your home.
+ Malachi 2:12 God’s curse on those who do this! Drive them out of house and home! They’re no longer fit to be part of the community no matter how many offerings they bring to God-of-the-Angel-Armies. (MsgB)
God wants to bless you and your family, but God will not bless a home that is filled with bitterness and resentment.
4. Destroys God’s creative work.
God’s arithmetic doesn’t seem to add up. Within the marriage union one plus one equals one not two. Malachi says, “Has not the Lord make them one? In flesh and spirit they are his” (verse 15).
The union of husband and wife is not just sexual. God is present in their union making them one flesh. God’s creative power is at work uniting husbands and wives in body and spirit.
+ Ephesians 5:31 "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh."
Divorce tears apart the union that God brings to a marriage. God’s purpose is for a husband and wife to be joined together as one being separated only by death. God hates divorce because it destroys the creative work of unity God brings into a marriage.
+ Malachi 2:16 "I hate divorce," says the God of Israel. . ."I hate the violent dismembering of the ’one flesh’ of marriage." (MsgB)
God hates divorce:
1. Disobedience to God’s Word,
2. Dishonors our worship,
3. Defrauds us of God’s blessing, and
4. Destroys God’s creative work.
One more reason remains why God hates divorce which may be the greatest reason of all.
+ Ephesians 5:32 This is a profound mystery–but I am talking about Christ and the church. (NIV)
The creative power of God takes two and makes them one; “this is a profound mystery.” However, the mystery is greater than you can imagine. The union of a husband and wife is also a reflection of Christ and His Church.
5. Distorts the gospel–God’s message.
God hates divorce because it misrepresents His love for you and me. The love of Christ is not fickle; His love will not grow cold. God will never divorce Himself from those He loves; His love will be faithful until the very end.
Malachi asks in verse 15, “And why one? [Why is the husband and wife united together?] BECAUSE HE WAS SEEKING GODLY OFFSPRING.”
God’s desire is to pass on the message of His love from generation to generation. The faithful love of a mother and father towards each other is a living testimony of the eternal love of God. When mom and dad love each other it gives their children an assurance of God’s unfailing love for them.
Divorce is NEVER good for children. Divorce brings fear, heartbreak, misery, mistrust, uncertainty, and so much more into the lives of children. Painful emotions which God never intended for children to have to carry are thrust upon children often leaving an open wound filled with infection affecting relationships of future generations.
God has a simple prescription for healthy children and healthy relationships. Husbands and wives (a.k.a. moms and dads) who are faithful to God and each other.
✎ Deb and Travis; divorced but remarried. An answer to prayer, but also a testimony to the faithful love both their parents gave to each other as Deb and Travis were growing up.
Consider what we know about divorce in the United States:
> In 1998 2.2 million couples married and 1.1 million divorced.
> In 2000, 58 million couples were married yet separated and another 21 million couples were divorced.
> People between the ages of 25 to 39 account for 60% of all divorces.
> Over 1 million children are affected by divorce each year.
> More people are in their 2nd marriage than 1st. (www. dicorcenter.com)
With divorce being so common today, nearly half of all marriages end in divorce, is there any hope?
> A greater number of divorces occur within the Christian church than marriages outside the church. (George Barna)
Divorce is a real problem that cannot be ignored. What are we as a church, as individual families supposed to do?
Marriage counselors and pastors often hear couples who are in trouble say, “I’m just not happy anymore.”
If you are pursuing happiness in your marriage, you are chasing the wrong thing. Happiness is the attitude of our culture; it’s the American desire and goal. Unfortunately, happiness is elusive because it’s built upon HAPPENINGS.
“Doesn’t God want me to be happy?” Yes, God wants you to be happy, but happiness is not first in God’s priority list for your life. Before happiness, God wants to produce holiness within your life.
When we pursue holiness, we will find happiness along the way! Real happiness is the by-product of living our lives pleasing to God. Jesus said, “If you grasp and cling to life on your terms, you’ll lose it, but if you let that life go, you’ll get life on God’s terms” (Luke 17:33 MsgB).
Someone may still be thinking, “But the Bible permits divorce, so God doesn’t want me to stay in a bad relationship; God understands right?”
You’re right, God does understand the pain you may be feeling. The Bible does permit divorce for two reasons: first adultery (Matthew 19:9), and second abandonment (1 Corinthians 7:15). The scriptures permit divorce; however the Bible does not REQUIRE DIVORCE.
God always encourages RECONCILIATION over separation and divorce. With God we can have a BREAKTHROUGH instead of a BREAKDOWN. Malachi shows us how. Remember, God never shows us a problem without also offering the solution.
The cure for the disease of divorce is FAITHFULNESS. Five times in only seven verses Malachi encourages faithfulness within marriage relationships.
● verse 10: “by breaking faith with one another.”
● verse 11: “Judah has broken faith.”
● verse 14: “you have broken faith with her.”
● verse 15: “do not break faith with the wife of your youth.”
● verse 16: “So guard yourself in spirit and do not break faith.”
If we are to overcome the breakup of our marriages, then we must be faithful to one another, or as the KJV says we should not deal “treacherously” with one another.
HOW CAN WE BE FAITHFUL?
What can we do with God’s help to not break faith with our husband or wife? How can we be a faithful lover and not an unfaithful traitor?
Let’s underscore something right from the start. You can’t be faithful on your own; our best efforts will always fall short. We each must have God’s help.
+ Ecclesiastes 4:12 Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken. (NIV)
The unfailing love of God will help us when in our own strength we would fall. We all need to invite God into the center of our marriage relationships (or any other relationship for that matter).
1. A CONTRITE HEART
In a word faithfulness to our spouse begins and ends with HUMILITY. A humble heart won’t stumble over selfish pride.
+ Philip. 2:3 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. (NIV)
I often ask couples who are preparing for marriage, “What percentage should each of you be willing to give to each other in order to have a successful marriage?” Often times the answer is fifty-fifty. On the surface that sounds like a good answer; both the husband and wife give and take equally right?
Unfortunately it’s the other 50% of the time when one or both want to demand their own way. Both must be willing to give 100% of themselves all the time; if they don’t then they are only asking for trouble. It’s always dangerous when you feel the need to “look out for #1” within your marriage.
In successful marriages husbands always put their wives first, and likewise wives put their husbands first. A contrite heart or an attitude of humility is the first prerequisite for a successful marriage.
2. UNWAVERING COMMITMENT
When a couple stands at an altar to be united together as husband and wife, they stand not just before their friends and family. God witness the vows they make to each other. Marriage is a covenant relationship between a man an a woman. The promises made are for a lifetime.
“No fault” divorce laws offer couple a quick escape from whatever difficulty they may be facing. However, one or both of the marriage partners are always “AT FAULT.” The husband and/or the wife make the choice to give up on the marriage; one or both will throw in the towel on a relationship that they both freely decided to enter.
Marriage is a choice; it is a decision of commitment which is freely made. I’ve never participated in a “shotgun” wedding; the bride and groom both willingly made their promises to each other.
The commitment to marriage is not just needed on the wedding day. We need an unwavering commitment to our spouses everyday. Love is more than a feeling. Love is a verb. It’s a choice revealed through the things we say and do.
All marriages go through difficult times. Why do some couples stay married while others divorce? Those who stay married make the choice to honor the commitments they made to each other.
3. CLEANSING
+ Hebrews 13:4 Marriage should be honored by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral. (NIV)
Television, radio, movies and the internet can all pollute the purity of the marriage relationship. Don’t allow the impurities from a sexually sick and overly saturated society to dirty the love relationship you share with your spouse.
If we are going to keep the marriage bed pure, then we need to realize that sexual immorality is not the only thing that will stain it. Anger, harsh words, broken promises, resentment, and so much more can also leave a stain tarnishing the marriage relationship.
Marriage will not fix our problems, it will bring issues long covered over to the surface. As fire will purify silver and gold, our marriage partner should bring out the best in us, but before that can happen we have to get rid of the garbage we’ve collected. None of us were perfect when we got married; only with God’s help can we deal with the baggage we have brought with us into our marriage relationships
In order to keep our marriage clean we need to stay clean with God and our spouse. “Forgive me; I’m sorry” are still words with the power to remove any blemish from our relationships. Deal with things quickly and don’t just “sweep things under the rug.” Dirt we hide today will only find its way out tomorrow and hinder the intimacy and purity of our marriage relationships.
4. COMMUNICATION
Marriage counselors say that most marriages fail because of a failure to communicate. According to counselors poor communication is the leading cause of divorce. Abuse, addictions, adultery, financial problems, and other issues could all be resolved if only couples could communicate.
One of the best ways to strengthen communication between husbands and wives is to pray together. Put simply, prayer is communicating with God. Marriages are strengthened as couples share times of prayer together. As the saying goes, “Families that pray together, stay together.”
Another important key to communication is TIME. Many wives will complain that their husbands have no time for them. It has been reported after 10 years of marriage the average husband spends as little as 37 minutes per week talking with his wife. Don’t let that happen to your marriage. Schedule a date night (or morning) when just the two of you can get together and talk together.
5. CONSIDERATION
Emphasize showing your spouse kindness, respect.
How do you speak to others about your husband or wife?
