Focusing on the Family Series
Sermon # 2
“Mutual Submission”
Ephesians 5: 21-33
As Paul wrote these words family life in the Roman Empire was in a shambles, divorce and adultery were running rampant and marriage was in danger of a complete and utter breakdown. Men didn’t want to be leaders and women didn’t want to be lead.
The Call to Mutual Submission
“Submitting to one another in the fear of God.
A lot of the problems that arise concerning the passage we are going to consider this morning is the tendency to begin at verse 22 instead of verse 21 where Paul says that the husband and wives both are to “submit to one another in the fear of Christ.”
Most of the problems in application of doctrine of submission have to do with the fact that we wrongly interpret this a struggle over power in the marriage relationship –“Who’s in charge, the husband or the wife?” – the answer is, Neither! The correct answer to the question is, that Jesus is to be in charge. He is to be the head! He is to be the head of every marriage just as he is head of the church.
Even abusive behavior by husbands has been justified on he basis of the doctrine of submission. Physical or mental abuse of a spouse is not acceptable in any marriage, much less a Christian marriage.
This submission has natural limits when it considered in the light of the last phrase, “as unto the Lord.” God certainly does not expect a Christian wife to do unscriptural things out of submission to her unsaved husband.
Wives Your Duty Is To Respect Your Husband
(vv. 22-24, 33b)
“Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to
the Lord. (23) For the husband is head of the wife,
as also Christ is head of the church; and He is
the Savior of the body. (24) Therefore, just as the
church is subject to Christ, so let the wives be to
their own husbands in everything.”
Now first of all let me say to the husband’s, what Jesus says to the wives is none of your business. Much of the disfavor that this passage enjoys has to do with husbands, who have little or no right to, quoting this verse to their wives and telling them they have to submit to him. Perhaps no scripture is quoted during arguments more than this one. But men I want you to notice that nowhere does it say, “Husband, tell your wives to submit.” Instead Paul speaks to husbands and wives individually and asks each of them to work on their own attitudes.
Wives learn to submit to their husbands from watching their husbands submit to the Lord. It should go with out saying that any man who does not love and submit himself to the Lord, has no right to expect that his wife will submit herself to him. So ultimately if your wife is not submissive to you it may be your fault, because you are not more submissive to Christ.
What Does Submit Mean?
This passage is really not hard to under-stand. It may be hard to swallow in the light of our times or hard to work out in real life but it is not difficult to understand!
Many people interpret verse twenty-two that says, “wives submit to your husbands” to support the idea, “husbands should make all the important decisions in the relationship.” That is not what this verse means. Husbands if you are making any important decisions without the advice of your wife, you’re asking for trouble. God did not put this woman in your life so that you could ignore her input.
“Mutual submission means … that decisions are made by both partners for unselfish reasons. When disagreement occurs, the husband does not automatically have the deciding vote. In such cases, one partner may grant the other person’s choice or both may agree to reject both options.”
[Llyne Snodgrass. Ephesians. The NIV Application Commentary. (Grand Rapids, Zondervan, 1996) p. 315]
Leadership in the home is vest in the man.
But before your grin gets the better of you men, understand me, what I am talking about her is not privilege but responsibility. Every problem in the home or in the marriage is the responsibility of the man. Now hear what I said, every problem is the responsibility of the man, not the fault of the man. But too, many times we as men, just want to sit back to wait, and complain that things are not right. The question is as leader, “What are you doing about it.”
Your Husband Needs your Respect (v. 33b)
There is one last word addressed to the wives found in the second part of verse thirty-three, “… and let the wife see that she respects her husband.”
Although the KJV uses the word “reverence” and some translations use the word “fear” - the word is (phobos) - and what the Bible is talking about is respect. The greatest need that your husband has is for your respect!
Application
Ladies, I want to let you in on a little secret, nobodies respect means more to your husband than his wife’s. While criticism makes men defensive, admiration energizes and motivates them. A man expects – and needs his wife – to be his most enthusiastic supporter.
Ladies when you tell your husband that you appreciate him for what he has done, it gives him more satisfaction than a paycheck. A wife needs to be willing to appreciate her husband for what he already is, not for what she would like for him to become. Ladies look for things that you can appreciate your husband for and then tell him.
One word of caution, before you start heaping words of praise on your spouse, never fake it. Insincere flattery can be more harmful than silence.
Husbands It Is Your Duty To Love Your Wife (vv. 25-29, 33b)
I think that it is intriguing to note that only 3½ verses are devoted to the wives duties to their husbands where as 8½ verses address the husbands role. Since it takes almost nine verses to explain to men their responsibilities as compared with three for the wives, that might indicate that we men are a little bit slow on the uptake. (Women here is your chance to say Amen!)
The husband is given two models, each introduced by the word “as” (vv. 25,28)
The Lord recognizes that a woman greatness need is to feel loved. Three times in this passage Paul reminds husbands that they are to love their wives (vv. 25, 28, 33).
First, Husband’s You Are to Love Your Wives
As Christ Loved the Church. (vv. 25-27)
“Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, (26) that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word. (27) That He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish.”
Every verb form in this verse is in the present tense and so should read, “so also are men constantly obligated to keep on loving their wives as their own bodies. The one who keeps on loving his wife keeps on loving himself.”
But just what kind of love is being described here? The Greek language in which the New Testament was originally written was a very descriptive language. Unlike English, which has only one word for love; whether you are describing you love for your dog, your favorite food or your wife, the Greek language has several different words for love.
Notice He did not use the word “philos” so he is not saying, “Men you need to have a warm fuzzy feeling about your wife.” Although I think you should, that is not the kind of love that keeps a marriage alive.
Nor did he use the word “surgase” so he is not saying, “Men you need to love your wives because they are biologically tied to you.” If you have children, she is more than the mother of your kids.
Nor did he use the word “eros,” which by the way is not found in the Bible anywhere. So he is not saying, “Men you need to work on your passionate, sexual attraction to your wife.” And although a good physical relationship is necessary in any marriage it is not the end all.
The word Paul uses here is “agape” it is the same word used to translate John 3:16, it is the God kind of Love. Now what is the God kind of love like? Let me demonstrate what I mean in a story.
“We are told in Greek histories that the wife of one of the General’s of Cyrus, the ruler of the Persia, was accused of treachery and was condemned to die. At first her husband did not know what was taking place. But as soon as he heard about it he rushed to the palace and burst into the throne room. He threw himself on the floor before the king and cried out, ‘Oh, my Lord Cyrus, take my life instead of hers. Let me die in her place.’
Cyrus, who by all historical accounts was a noble and extremely sensitive man, was touched by the offer. He said, ‘Love like that must not be spoiled by death.’ Then he gave the husband and wife back to each other and let the wife go free.
As they walked away happily the husband said to his wife, ‘Did you notice how kindly the king looked at us when he gave you the pardon?’
The wife replied, ‘I had no eyes for the king. I saw only the man who was willing to die in my place.” [James Montgomery Boice. Ephesians: An Expositional Commentary. (Grand Rapids: Zondervan, 1988) p. 175]
That’s the kind of love that husbands are to have for their wives!
Husbands you are to love your wives and Christ loved the Church and …
Secondly, Husbands You Are to Love Your Wives As You Do Your Own Body.
(vv. 28-29, 33)
From the rather exalted picture of Christ’s love for the Church, Paul now turns in verse twenty-eight to a new picture of what the man’s love for his wife is to look like. This new picture is again identified by the word, “as.” “So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. (29) For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church…... (33) Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself…”
Love Her - By Encouraging Her Spiritual Growth The passage explains how the husband is to love his wife as his own body when by saying that husbands are to “nourish” (v. 29) their wives as they do their own bodies. The word “nourish” is a word that means “to bring to maturity.” It is your job as a husband to encourage your wife’s spiritual growth.
Love Her - By Offering Her a Sense of Protection & Security.
The husband is not only to “nourish” his wife but also to “cherish” her, the same word (thaipei) is used in the Greek translation of the Old Testa-ment in Deut. 22:6 of a mother bird protecting (cherishing) her young. Our wives should have a sense of security because of our love relationship with them.
Application
Men if you want your wife’s respect there are five basic needs in her life that you need to see that are met. Let me tell you what they are and how you can meet them.
Here they are;
1.Affection. (H&H- Hugs and Hand Holding)
The Bible also says that ‘what we believe with our hearts we confess with our mouths” so if you love your wife tell her!
2. Conversation. (Ask her about her day and then listen)
3. Financial Security. Men your wife should not have to worry about the necessities of life.
4. Honesty and Openess. – Check in with her and always leave her away to get in touch with you!
5. Commitment to Family. Let her know by your words and your actions that your family comes first. In practical terms this means the home has to have priority in your life. The responsibility of loving your wife sacrificially may require a re-evaluation and a re-alignment of your priorities.
[Drawn from Willard F. Harley Jr. His Needs – Her Needs. (Grand Rapids: Fleming H. Revell, 2002) pp. 159-160]
