Conflict Management:
How to Solve a Conflict
Matthew 10:34-37
By: Donny Tatimu
doni_t@yahoo.com
At the last sermon, I talked about the source of conflict, which are:
1. Interest
2. Value
3. Relationship
4. Information
5. Resources
Again, Jesus not just a Wonderful Comforter, but He also a Confronter. That’s not because He hates us, but because He loves us. Bare in your mind, that Jesus never is the cause or source of a confrontation. What inside us is the source of conflict in our own lives, that’s why He needs to confront us, to make us realize that we must change. Change to be just like Jesus!
Now, we will see how we can solve a conflict. I never say this shall be easy, or this will solve every conflict in your live. What am I going to give to you, just principles to solve conflict in our lives, and not the methods. You must find your own methods and your own ways, OK?
1. Principles #1: Communication
I think the best example of communication in conflict is in the bible, the story about Nathan and David.
2Sa 12:1-7
1 And the LORD sent Nathan unto David. And he came unto him, and said unto him, there were two men in one city; the one rich, and the other poor.
2 The rich man had exceeding many flocks and herds:
3 But the poor man had nothing, save one little ewe lamb, which he had bought and nourished up: and it grew up together with him, and with his children; it did eat of his own meat, and drank of his own cup, and lay in his bosom, and was unto him as a daughter.
4 And there came a traveler unto the rich man, and he spared to take of his own flock and of his own herd, to dress for the wayfaring man that was come unto him; but took the poor man’s lamb, and dressed it for the man that was come to him.
5 And David’s anger was greatly kindled against the man; and he said to Nathan, As the LORD liveth, the man that hath done this thing shall surely die:
6 And he shall restore the lamb fourfold, because he did this thing, and because he had no pity.
7 And Nathan said to David, Thou art the man. Thus saith the LORD God of Israel, I anointed thee king over Israel, and I delivered thee out of the hand of Saul;
This is what Nathan did, when he confronted David’s sin:
1. With the right words (wisdom)
2. At the right time (perceive)
3. In a right way to say what you’ve to say (communication manner)
4. For the right intention (motives)
5. To the right person (openness)
Your fingers:
1) Thumb – wisdom – from God (Jam. 1:5) – the big one, power to grasp. Without wisdom, you can’t make people listen to you.
Thumb has a space between four other fingers.
2) Point-finger – perceive – from yourself – to point the right one. You must develop a perceiving experience in your communication skill.
3) Middle finger – communication manner – from yourself - the longest reach. You can reach how many listeners depend by your communication manner. We will discuss this later.
4) Wedding finger – motive – from yourself – people love good motives; they want to be tied with a goodwill person.
5) Little finger – openness – from yourself – last but not least, openness is the completeness in your communication skill. Without it, something is missing. Put honesty in your communication with others, and you will see the differences, and they will see it too.
Communication manner
I want to take some time in this point. Nathan as a prophet teaches me something about communication manner.
- He never directly blamed and pointed David as a sinner
What he did just tell David about a story. Everyone likes to hear story!
- Role-play
That not just an ordinary story, it was a role-play. He brought David to be involved in that story. I believe David as a small shepherd, felt he as the poor man in that story, until Nathan made David realized he was at the wrong side of that story.
- Nathan never condemned David, but he condemned himself. Bring people to enlighten of something, make them realize something by themselves!
Don’t teach people if they don’t ask it. Because teaching makes you as the teacher in the higher position then the people you teach; if they are not willing to be teach, you must avoid to lectures someone. Some people don’t want to be teach, because they feel you making yourself smarter then them.
Put yourself in the same position with the people you talk to.
- Give them your message, when they can’t argue with you anymore.
After David still in shock, Nathan gave the word of God, and the explanation. You must explain to them, don’t let it pass without answering: why it happens, how it happens, what the consequences of, who will be suffer because of that. Explain as clear as you can, but it can be done after their mind and heart open to what you going to say.
Communication is not a competition. The essence of communication is all about sharing.
2. Principles #2: Stop being Controlling and Critical
The second principle is about behavior. Behavior can raise a conflict. And the most of it are being controlling and critical to others. Why? Because most of the people who likes to control and to critic others will confront everyone who don’t agree with them. Sometimes controlling people are so afraid of losing the people around them, that they drive the ones they love away with controlling behavior.
Example:
- David and Michal, 2 Sam 6:20-23
- Peter, Matthew 16:22 (I personally believe that Peter is a controlling freaks! You can find many example from him)
What must you do?
a) Acknowledge that the need to control is about you. It isn’t about the people you are trying to control. That’s all about a need that you are trying to fulfill, or a fear that you may have.
b) Trust yourself, and trust others! Failure can happen to anyone, including you. But the world will not stop spinning just because of that.
c) Ask yourself what you have to lose if you stop trying to control others. You can’t lose something that you don’t have, isn’t it?
d) Give yourself permission to let go and make the choice to change.
e) Facing your true fear inside of you, and don’t blame it on others!
It is not a matter of winning or loosing, winner or looser, proud or shame.
3. Principles #3: Willing to Change
If that is your fault or mistake, you must willing to admit and change your way of thinking. Don’t be shy to say, “I’m sorry!” People can see you as a mature person, when you do that.
Psalms 32:3-5
3 When I kept silence, my bones waxed old through my roaring all the day long.
4 For day and night thy hand was heavy upon me: my moisture is turned into the drought of summer. Selah.
5 I acknowledge my sin unto thee, and mine iniquity have I not hid. I said, I will confess my transgressions unto the LORD; and thou forgavest the iniquity of my sin. Selah.
If that is not your fault or mistake, please don’t make fun on them. But rather explain to them gently as a friend, and say, “thank you for your advice!”
I hope these three simple principles can help you,
1. communication
2. behavior
3. change
God bless you!
