INTRODUCTION
Opening Statement: A minister was finishing up a series on marriage. At the end of the service he was giving out small wooden crosses to each married couple. He said, "Place this cross in the room in which you fight the most and you will be reminded of God’s commands and you won’t argue as much." One woman came up after the service and said, "You’d better give me five."
A home is more than a house or the rooms where one lives; that’s merely space. A home is family, it’s security, it’s provision, and it’s love in the relationships that are found there; it is more than space – it is a place where life is fleshed out in all of its variegated forms. It’s so important to have excellence in leadership and service there.
Title: Excellence in Family Living
Theme: Leadership and Service Excellence Series
Text: Colossians 3:18-21. Colossians offers us some help in establishing a home of excellence.
Background: Colossians is one of the most Christ-centered books of the Bible. Anyone who has ever searched for an answer to the question, “Who is Jesus?” must eventually come to Colossians. Colossians answers this question with “Christ is Supreme over all persons and things!” And, if He is supreme, then He is sufficient for all of our spiritual needs. Jesus does not need supplemented. We need not seek other mysterious religious experiences outside of knowing and encountering Him as Savior and Friend. And, if He can hold together and sustain a universe (1:15-17) as Paul asserts in Colossians, can He not also hold my life together, hold my family together, hold my marriage together, hold our society together and sustain us?
Just a surely as the principles that govern this great universe reveal a system of order and structure, even so, God also has a system of order and structure within the family unit. This order and structure is meant to make life better for everyone.
Key Word: FOUR #1 PRIORITIES or FOUR CONCISE DIRECTIVES are given in this passage that govern this great universal idea of the family unit. We will look at 2 of them today. Then we will look at 2 of them the next time I speak.
Recitation: 18 Wives, be subject to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. 19 Husbands, love your wives and do not be embittered against them. 20 Children, be obedient to your parents in all things, for this is well-pleasing to the Lord. 21 Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart.
I. Number 1 Priority for Wives
II. Number 1 Priority for Husbands
III. Number 1 Priority for Children
IV. Number 1 Priority for Fathers
Clarification: If you get any one of these out of proper alignment, a chaotic unbalance enters into this world of family living and relationships disintegrate quickly. What are these concise directives?
I. Number 1 Priority for Wives – Honor Your Husband as Leader
A. Recitation: 18 Wives, be subject to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.
B. Exposition: This verse is not just about subjection or submission; it is primarily about leadership. It implies that the man should lead and that his wife should empower him to lead. Husbands, you are provider, protector, and caregiver. The Bible says you are (Genesis 3:16). You are not to stand passively by and expect your wife to pull the leadership load. That’s your job. Give her the security she needs to follow your lead and trust your leadership. What Paul is saying to the Christian ladies of Colossee is that when your man is a godly man, let him lead. Paul is teaching that you’ve been set-free by Christ ladies of Colossee. Your womanhood will be honored and respected within the New Community like never before in history. The gospel has given to you a new status. Salvation and redemption privilege is for everyone equally. But, Paul cautions, don’t use this new freedom that you’ve been given to throw the home out of balance. God has ordained that husbands should lead in the home. Now, there are some other issues involved if your husband is not a believer or if he doesn’t lead. But here, Paul is addressing families within the New Community. And for him, it is inconceivable that a godly woman would not allow her aspiring godly husband to lead. He’s not perfect. But he’s out there as leader and pointman trying to determine which way the family out to go. Paul’s word to you is that you are to be committed to following his leadership and it is fitting in the Lord.
C. Illustration: The deacons and I are working our way through a book by Stu Weber entitled, Tender Warrior. Early in this book, he compares husbands and fathers to the wagon train Scout. You’ve seen the Scout at work in some of your favorite westerns. He rides ahead of the wagon train, checking out the trail, looking for Indians, scouting out water holes, scanning the skyline for upcoming storms, and listening for the muted rumble of a buffalo herd. The Husband-Scout looks ahead, gives direction, anticipates needs, and defines destinations.
D. Suggestions: Being subject to your Husband-Scout has nothing to do with yielding to the whims of someone who tries to boss you around. You don’t have to put up with that. Let him get his own water. This is not servile and menial bondage to the Archie Bunkers of the world that Paul advocates here. But here’s the point. When your man is out there as Scout, sincerely trying to lead the family into a visionary and preferable future regarding the bigger, more important issues of life, let him lead. Rather than ridiculing his decisions and taking matters into your own hands, as some were apt to do, Paul said submit to his leadership; be loyal to his leadership. Both husbands and wives need to learn how to appeal wisely, not asserting oneself rebelliously or nagging one another. Reassure your husband in his leadership role by asking for his opinion. Give your husband plenty of room to grow and catch on. Conversely, if you want to dig a grave for your marriage, here’s how to do it. Never admire him. Always complain. Take shots at him when he gets back into “camp” after a long day of scouting. You ladies have been uniquely equipped to make life comfortable within the wagon. But your husband has been equipped to ride out ahead and insure the direction of where this whole thing is headed. Typically, you wives do great at planning an agenda and seeing life as a ladder with a series of steps to climb to get to where you want to be. Your husband has been equipped as Scout-Leader to make sure that your ladder is leaning against the right wall. Let him lead.
E. Notation: Men, even if your wife refuses to do some of these things, your calling is to still love her as Christ loved the church. It feels like death, but it’s what we are to do.
II. Number 1 Priority for Husbands – Love Your Wife as a Lady
A. Recitation: 19 Husbands, love your wives and do not be embittered against them.
B. Explanation: Obviously, it takes two to make a good marriage. But the way Paul expresses this is that the husband should take the lead in establishing a great marriage. Paul gets specific by giving to the husband his number one priority. The husbands’ number one job is to love his wife (not the wife of another or another woman). One pastor notes that the last part of Colossians 3:19 challenges husbands to “not be harsh” with their wives. This phrase can also be translated, “Don’t become embittered [or resentful] toward her.” That means that even if a wife is not perfectly submissive, the husband is not to become resentful. Husbands must prevent a sour attitude from taking root. The only other time this word is used in the New Testament, it refers to something bitter in taste. Paul is telling husbands not to call their wives “honey” and then act like vinegar.
C. Application: Men, affection, conversation, honesty and openness, financial support and family commitment are all important to your wife. The way you can crush a woman’s spirit is to invert these five things in your marriage. Never compliment her or show that you’re thinking of her; watch TV rather than take a walk with her or interact meaningfully with her; be deceptive and secretive about what you do after work and who you have lunch with; withhold monetary support and spend your money only on what you want; and go do things with your buddies more than you do things with your children and you will crush a woman’s spirit. Be attentive when she talks to you. Stop what you’re doing. Look at her. Smile when you talk. Answer her questions, even little questions. Tell her with your eyes that you love her. Don’t try to remake your wife. Accept her as she is. Delight in her. Otherwise, barriers are erected between you and communicating is almost impossible.
D. Illustration: You’ve probably heard about the couple that hadn’t communicated for some time because they had been arguing. They were riding on a Sunday afternoon in the country, and he spotted two mules on the other side of the fence. For the first time in 3 weeks he spoke to his wife. He pointed to the mules and said, "Some of your relatives?" She replied, "Yes, by marriage." And back into their stewing silence they went.
E. Amplification: Gary Smalley asked 5 divorced women, individually, "If your husband began treating you in a consistently loving manner, would you take him back?" Each one replied, "Of course, I would." The way that we can win back an estranged wife is to love her in a consistent manner. If you want to brighten up the countenance of your wife, communicate with her, praise her, protect her, value her opinion, share your feelings with her, hold her tenderly, accept her, date her, surprise her, notice her, help her with the house, show public affection, call when you’re going to be late and remember the "little things". Conversely, if you want to dig a grave for your marriage, here’s how to do it. Criticize her frequently. Never pay attention to her. Refuse to do anything around the house. Make her a 3rd or 4th priority. Explain her hurt as opposed to empathizing with her. Make her feel stupid. Never be romantic. Cheat on her. Be lazy. And then quote this verse to her. There are four words for you if you do that. You are an idiot. You are not her boss. You are here leader-lover.
CONCLUSION (Points I and II)
Application: Some closing applications…
1. It is time for you to join each other’s team. Stop fighting one another. Start leveling with one another in love. Wives, you support your Scout-Leader. Husbands, you love you lady. Remember, Christ is the center of all of it.
2. Now is the time to let go of the hurt. Some of you entered marriage with "storybook" expectations and limited training. Consequently, you’ve hit a wall. Smalley once asked a college girl what kind of man she would like to marry. "I’d like him to be able to tell jokes, sing and dance, and stay at home at night." Smalley told her, "You don’t want a husband, you want a television set."
3. Marriage is a beautiful relationship ordained by God and can bring completion and perspective to your life. Remember, however, that understanding the general differences between men and women can spare you many problems.
4. God has called some to single life (1 Cor.7) and married people need to understand this. If you’re single allow me to say a few things about being single and satisfied. I want to say a few things about excellence in single life. Specifically, discover and develop your gifts. Generally, the single person has less trouble than married people (1 Cor. 7:28). Be careful about the myth of "someone sickness". The rationale goes something like this: "If I can just meet the right person to marry, then I’d be happy." If you’re married, guard against stereotyping singles that you know. Not all single people want to get married. Some single men really are responsible. Singles understand family life more than you think. Jesus Christ, the most fully human person who ever lived was not married. Allow me to say something here about marriage and God’s will regarding single persons. I don’t see God’s will regarding a marital partner as one single dot. There are many people within the sphere of God’s will that will make a good marital partner for you if you are single. Don’t be too picky. However, once a person is married, that general sphere does become a dot. Your focus is to be on the one dot God has brought into your life.
Concluding Question: That brings me to some concluding questions applicable to both married and single people: Are you wedded to Christ?
1. A Christ-centered marriage is a discipleship issue. Today, Christ is calling you away from your selfishness and away from your marital failure. Are you treating and responding to your present spouse like you would treat and respond to Christ himself?
2. A single status is also a discipleship issue. Having sensed God calling you to singleness (for this present chapter in your life), are you accepting this call and creatively planning your life for His glory?
Illustration: In his autobiography Sold Out, former Colorado football coach, Bill McCartney owned up to a lifetime of failings and foibles, especially in his marriage. "Tucked away in the folds of my life are countless episodes that coldly strip away the mystique and pretense of what some think of me," he writes. He calls himself a "highly flawed, ordinary man who has made it through only with the help of an extraordinary God." Sold Out is presented as McCartney’s story, but the book also contains nine sections written by Lyndi. They provide a good window into McCartney’s spiritual journey, and they helped him write a book that was "closer to the truth," he says. They also help underscore what brought their never-great marriage to a crisis in 1993, when Lyndi says she found herself in "an emotional deep-freeze."
That year began in soap-opera fashion when, on New Year’s Day, Bill came clean to Lyndi about an affair he had had with another woman two decades earlier in their marriage. That confession, which the McCartneys chose not to put in the book but which was reported by the New York Times last fall, left Lyndi devastated. At the time, McCartney was at the pinnacle of his coaching career and riding high with PK involvements. In a manner typical of the way McCartney operated at the time, he confessed his adultery just moments before walking out the door to coach a Fiesta Bowl game.
In the months that followed, Lyndi’s emotional and physical health reached the breaking point. To cope, she rarely left the bedroom of their home in Boulder, Colorado. There she contemplated taking her own life. For more than seven months she vomited every day, losing 80 pounds. McCartney, busy with football and with managing the burgeoning Promise Keepers movement, remained oblivious.
While Lyndi had no intention of leaving her marriage, she says she began building "emotional siege walls" between herself and Bill. "The Lord was the only one I felt I could trust." Lyndi claims she wasn’t bothered by Bill’s lack of attention during their 30-year marriage "most of the time." And she stayed reasonably happy with her responsibilities as a mother of four "most of the time." But she also admits that they lived separate lives. As her husband soared to the pinnacle of his career, "I just felt like I was getting smaller and smaller and smaller," she recalls. God used two events to turn McCartney around. I will reference one of them
In the fall of 1994, a guest speaker at the McCartneys home church pointedly stated: "If you want to know about a man’s character, then look into the face of his wife. Whatever he has invested in or withheld from her will be reflected in her countenance." Literally turning to face his wife, McCartney saw in his wife’s haunted, empty eyes his own sinful neglect staring back at him. "Escorting my wounded wife out to the church parking lot," McCartney writes, "I began to pray about the timing of my resignation from the University of Colorado."
Men, if people were to look deep into the face and eyes of your wife, what would they see? Women, if people were to look deep into the face and eyes of your husband, what would they see? If we looked deep into the eyes of a single person that we know, what would we see? If we looked deep into your children’s eyes, would we see neglect and loneliness? Or, would we see the time and self-esteem that you have invested in them?
Application: Men and women, this is what is important to God. This is what He cares about. He wants spouses to come in alongside one another and become teammates. The marriage relationship is the most difficult and challenging of all relationships, requiring an enormous amount of time and energy. But, it can be the most rewarding relationship that one could ever have. God wants children that love life and that love being in their family.
