Diane Kesecker tells a story about an event that took place around the dinner table in their home one evening: “We were trying to stretch our budget while my husband, Kent, and I were in Bible school. One night, Kent was in charge of dinner and served ‘shepherd’s pie’ — much to the dismay of our seven-year-old, Stephanie. I tried to persuade Stephanie to eat. ‘Let’s pretend we’re missionaries and someone invited us to their home for dinner. We must eat whatever they give to us, so we don’t offend them.’ Stephanie wasn’t convinced. She looked at her plate, then at us, and said, ‘Then let’s pretend I ate it ’”
Every family has its high points and its low points, but today I want to lift up a vision of what a family can become — in spite of its occasional failures. I believe that God had a purpose and a plan for families. Families are important to him. They are a part of his design for the world. Chuck Swindoll says, “A family is a place where principles are hammered and honed on the anvil of everyday living.” In other words, It is the place where character is taught and caught. It is where we learn that we are loved and cared for. It is where we learn that we have worth and have something to contribute. It should be where we learn that we can be forgiven when we have failed. It is where parents model for their children what God is like and how he relates to us. It is where children learn obedience so that they will understand what it means to obey God. Home is where we learn who God is and learn to love him. Home is where we learn who we are and who others are. We learn to live with other people and take them into consideration. We learn to live unselfishly. All of this is God’s intent and design.
When the home is accomplishing these things the whole nation becomes strong and cohesive. Where the home breaks down, the nation breaks down. All other institutions rise and fall on the success of the home. Chuck Colson puts it in these strong words: “Ordained by God as the basic unit of human organization, the family is. . . the first school of human instruction. Parents take small, self-centered monsters, who spend much of their time screaming defiantly and hurling peas on the carpet, and teach them to share, to wait their turn, to respect others’ property. These lessons translate into respect for others, self-restraint, obedience to law — in short, into the virtues of individual character that are vital to a society’s survival.”
The home was meant to be a redemptive force in our lives. The first redemptive element of the family is that: The family is where we learn about healing. When we have been wounded by the world, the home should be a place of retreat. When we have been beat up by the world, the home should be a place where we are built up. Adults and children alike need someone who will believe in them when no one else does. They don’t need to be called names at home after they have been called names outside the home. They don’t need to be yelled at after being yelled at in school or work. When we have been wounded by the world, home is where our wounds are mended and our hurts are healed. We need to learn how to restore each other and restore our relationships.
Franklin Graham is the son of the world famous evangelist Billy Graham. It was not easy being Billy’s son. When he was born on July 14, 1952, the fourth of five children, the letters poured in predicting that he would be everything from a famous preacher to the pope. At an early age he learned that everyone expected him to fill his father’s shoes. But Franklin had no aspirations of being like his father. Some said he was a difficult child growing up, but his mother said he was just a normal boy — “Just as good as he could be, and just as bad as he could get by with.” But his rebellious spirit grew, and he began drinking heavily. He loved motorcycles and began traveling the world. He writes openly about his rebellion in his book Rebel with a Cause. At age 22 he was in Jerusalem, staying in a hotel when the Spirit of God began to break in upon his life. He realized that just being the son of Billy Graham was not going to get him into heaven. That night he committed his life to Christ. His ministry is totally different from his father’s. He is president of Samaritan’s Purse, a world relief organization which sponsors the Christmas boxes we are filling. He says, “I’ve been called to the slums of the streets and the ditches of the world.” There has been a complete turnaround in his life, and it is due to a family. They continued to believe in him and pray for him. It was the redemptive influence in his life. It brought forgiveness, healing and reconciliation. Without their continued love, in spite of their disappointment over the choices he was making, he would have been the prodigal who never came home.
This is how God wants our families to operate. We continue to believe in the people in our home and pull them in rather than push them away. We heal each other rather than hurt. We look for the good in spite of past performance. The Bible says, “Love is very patient and kind, never jealous or envious, never boastful or proud, never haughty or selfish or rude. Love does not demand its own way. It is not irritable or touchy. It does not hold grudges and will hardly even notice when others do it wrong. It is never glad about injustice, but rejoices whenever truth wins out. If you love someone, you will be loyal to him no matter what the cost. You will always believe in him, always expect the best of him, and always stand your ground in defending him.” (1 Corinthians 13:4-7, Living Bible).
In 1502 in Florence, Italy a large block of marble was donated to a church in Santa Maria. The church hired a sculptor whom they assumed was experienced in working with marble. However, the man was not as capable as he claimed to be, and soon after beginning, it appeared that he had ruined the magnificent piece of stone. For a long time the church draped a large sheet over it not knowing what else to do. But a certain man known as Michelangelo heard what had happened, and out of curiosity went to examine it. After some time, he began to work on the marble and found its grain to be beautiful. As he began to sculpt what was once thought to be ruined, he created one of the great art pieces of all time — the statue of David. There are people today who appear to others to be a ruined mess — a lost cause. They have made life-altering mistakes. They are broken. But God has given us families that we might be healed and restored to life. We don’t want our disappointments to lead to missed opportunities to restore and heal.
The second thing that we should learn in our families is: The family is where we learn about our worth. We understand our worth to God because we have worth from our family members. We are not accepted based on our performance, but our standing as members of the family. We love our children, not because they make us proud, but because they are our children and no one can take their place in our lives. They don’t have to accomplish great things to be appreciated. Our acceptance is not based on how beautiful we are, how intelligent, how strong or how successful. Our acceptance is based on the fact that we are a creation of God and important to him. We do not have to earn our way into the family, we are an integral part of it. We do not want to give the message to anyone in our family: “I will love you if. . .” or “I will love you when. . .” God’s love is not conditional, and neither should ours be. We are not here to manipulate others, but to restore them.
I want to say that it is very important to watch what we say to each other in our homes. The names we call each other can affect our whole outlook on life, and children are especially vulnerable to this. The way they think about themselves all through life can be affected by a word or a name which they have been called. I am amazed at how many women are called names that have to do with some perceived imperfection in their appearance. This is inexcusable among the people of God. Karen Carpenter, the golden-voiced singer from the 70’s, died at a young age from anorexia and bulimia because one day she heard someone say that she was Richard’s “chubby little sister.” Our words can hurt or they can heal. Christians are people who restore other people. We are to bless each other with our words. The Bible says, “If you keep on biting and devouring each other, watch out or you will be destroyed by each other” (Galatians 5:15). We need to look for ways that we can encourage, compliment and build each other up rather than tear each other down. The words we say in our homes will determine our sense of self-worth. The Bible says, “Get rid of all bitterness, rage, anger, harsh words, and slander, as well as all types of malicious behavior. Instead, be kind to each other, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God through Christ has forgiven you” (Ephesians 4:31-32).
There may come a time when we have to confront someone in our home. In fact, conflict may be a part of the healing process. Sometimes we have to care enough to confront. A problem can never be healed if it is never confronted. Many families deal with conflict by pretending it does not exist. They sweep it under the carpet and live in denial rather than experience the pain of facing the truth and working through the problems. Many families become dysfunctional because they are living with unresolved conflicts and refuse to face them. Being kind does not mean we become co-dependent. It does not please God if we enable someone in their destructive behavior. However, our confrontations should always be in the spirit of desiring reconciliation.
It is so easy to retaliate and take revenge. When we are hurt we are tempted to hurt back. But someone has to break the cycle. Someone has to say, “I will not live like this any longer. I will be the one to make the change, even though I may feel the other person is more at fault than I am.” How else can we take the words of Jesus when he said, “Bless those who curse you, pray for those who mistreat you” (Luke 6:28). The Bible says, “Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing” (1 Peter 3:9). God will bless you when you bless those who curse you becuase you want to reverse the cycle. The apostle Paul said, “If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone” (Romans 12:17-18). Sometimes it is possible and sometimes it is not. But obeying these important scriptural injunctions will not only bring a blessing, they will bring healing to your home.
Every family has its own set of dysfunctions, whether that is in the immediate family or the extended family. We don’t want to continue those dysfunctions, we want to stop them and even reverse them. We say to ourselves, our family, and to God: “This far and no further. We will not allow the sins and sickness of past generations affect our family and home. There will be no abuse of any kind here — physical, sexual or verbal. There will be no name calling here. There will be no unfaithfulness. The abuse of alcohol or drugs will not find a place here. Others in our extended family decided not to work, but we will work so that the needs of our family are provided for.” At some point the patterns of past generations has to be broken. Determine that your family will be the one. Your family will be redemptive as you bless each other and give worth to each other. Your family will be the beginning of a godly line, the beginning of a new generation that will produce healthy and productive people who will be a blessing to future generations.
The final point is: The family is where we learn about service. Our homes should be where we learn how to live unselfishly — from the earliest years where we teach our children how to share, to adulthood where we learn to share the responsibilities and work in the home. We learn how to think of the needs of others. We put others first. We go out of our way to serve, even when it is inconvenient or uncomfortable. The Bible says, “Each one should use whatever gift he has received to serve others, faithfully administering God’s grace in its various forms” (1 Peter 4:1). We become imitators of God and participate in his character as we become his servants in administering his grace. We lose our lives in order to gain our lives. We lose ourselves in serving others as we put their needs before our own. When this is not present, then chaos ensues. The Bible says, “For where you have envy and selfish ambition, there you find disorder and every evil practice” (James 3:16). Dysfunction in the family, or on a personal level, comes when we put ourselves first. Paul wrote: “Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves” (Philippians 2:3).
How do we teach this in our homes? Take your family to the Salvation Army and help out at Christmas time. Volunteer as a family at Interchurch. Visit an inner-city mission. Adopt a missionary or support a child from another country. Befriend and help another family who is in need — a single mom, an at-risk teen, someone who has lost a loved one, an older person who is alone, someone who is in trouble. There are a lot of people in the world who could use a friend. The key is that you want to do something for which you will receive no benefit, other than benefit of learning to focus your life on someone besides yourself.
Marian Preminger was born in Hungary in 1913. As a child she lived in a castle, the daughter of an aristocratic family, surrounded by maids, tutors, governesses, butlers, and chauffeurs. Her grandmother, who lived with them, insisted that whenever they traveled, they take their own linen, because she believed it was beneath their dignity to sleep on sheets used by common people. Marian attended school in Vienna and met a handsome young Viennese doctor. They eloped and married when she was only eighteen. The marriage lasted only a year, and she returned to Vienna undeterred, and began a career as an actress. While auditioning for a play, she met the brilliant young German director, Otto Preminger. They married shortly after, and went to America, where he began his career as a movie director. Marian was caught up in the glamor, and superficial excitement, and soon began to live a sordid life. When Preminger discovered it, he divorced her. Marian returned to Europe to live the life of a socialite in Paris. In 1948 she learned through the newspaper that Albert Schweitzer, the man she had read about as a little girl, was making a visit to Europe and was staying at Gunsbach. She called and made an appointment to see Dr. Schweitzer the next day. When Marian arrived in Gunsbach she discovered he was in the village church playing the organ. She listened and turned pages of music for him. Afterwards they talked, and by the end of the day a light came on inside of her that enabled her to see life in a whole new way. When Schweitzer returned to Africa he invited her to come to Lambarene and work in the hospital. Marian became a different person. There in Lambarene, the girl who was born in a castle and raised like a princess, who was accustomed to being waited on with all the luxuries of a spoiled life, became a servant. She changed bandages, bathed babies, fed lepers — and became free. Marian wrote her autobiography and called it All I Ever Wanted Was Everything. She died in 1979, but she was fond of quoting Albert Schweitzer who said, There are two classes of people in this world — the helpers, and the non-helpers.” Marian decided she would be a helper. That was quite a change from the girl who always looked down on servants. But by the transforming grace of God she became one. May it be so with all of us.
Rodney J. Buchanan
September 14, 2003
Mulberry St. UMC
Mt. Vernon, OH
www.MulberryUMC.org
Rod.Buchanan@MulberryUMC.org
Redemptive Relationships: The Family
Questions for September 14, 2003
1. Share your fondest memory of being in a family.
2. How have you personally found your family to be redemptive in your life? How have you been changed, restored, forgiven or healed?
3. Read Acts 10:1-4. How do you explain the nature of this home knowing their pagan background?
4. How can we stop the cycle of dysfunction in our families that began a generation or more ago?
5. Why is it easier to avoid conflicts and sweep them under the rug rather than resolve them?
6. How can we “speak the truth in love” to one another.
7. How do we deal with a person who disrupts the entire family and is a source of dysfunction?
8. Why do we sometimes have to put feelings aside and do the right thing even though we don’t feel like it? Can this make a difference?
9. The family is a prototype of what our relationships will be like in heaven. If we really understood this, how would it change the way we act toward each other?
10. How will you be the one to be different in spite of what anyone else in your home does?
