DEALING WITH OUR EMOTIONS – PART FOUR
“ONE IS THE LONELIEST NUMBER!”
GENESIS 1:26 ©LARRY L THOMPSON (2003)
Introduction:
Today’s Emotion Quotient tackles the feeling of loneliness. Loneliness is an emotional condition few people will admit to in polite conversation. The reason is that we think we’re the only one who struggles with the feeling. However, there are honest folks like the columnist for the Chicago Sun Times who reluctantly admitted in an article that she was extremely lonely.
“The loneliness saddens me,” The columnist wrote. “How did it happen that I could be forty-two years old and not have enough friends?” She ended her column this way: “I think there are women out there who don’t know how lonely they are. It’s easy enough to fill up the day with work and family. But no matter how much I enjoy my job and love my husband and child, I still continue to feel this deep void the emotion of loneliness. I recently read my daughter Hans Christian Andersen’s The Ugly Duckling. I felt an immediate kinship with this bird that flies from place to place looking for creatures with which he can share commonality. He eventually finds them. I hope I do too.”
Then something surprising happened.
The day after column appeared, the operator at the Sun Times was absolutely flooded with calls. Emails and letters poured in from housewives, executives, university professors and ministers. The column generated seven times more mail than any other article she had written for the paper.
“They wanted to share their pain, their frustration and their feeling of estrangement. The article actually appeared to be somewhat therapeutic in that many were tremendously relieved to discover they weren’t the only ones who experienced these dark periods of loneliness.” (Quote from Lee Strobel)
Rock Superstar Sting summarized these feelings in one of his hit lyrics, “Seems I not alone at being alone. Hundred million castaways, all searching for a home.” Musicians throughout every generation have tackled this subject. In my college days it was Three Dog Night with their hit, “One…” All you Baby boomers sing it with me “One is the loneliest number that you’ll every do…”
There’s a legitimate reason why were feel this way. It’s not because we’re wimps and need people as crutches. It’s not a weakness or character flaw to desire fulfilling relationships with other people. HERE’S THE REASON WE HAVE THIS NEED FOR FRIENDSHIP AND FELLOWSHIP: GOD CREATED US FOR COMMUNITY.
Please note the pronouns God used when creating humanity.
Genesis 1:26
“Then God said, "Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground.”
Who was God speaking to when he said this? God was speaking to Himself. Only the Christian faith informs us how this can be. In the theology of the Trinity we understand God as Father, Son and Holy Spirit; three persons, but one God. All three persons of the Godhead consulted and became personally involved in the creation of man. Great comfort should come to the believer really meditates upon this glorious truth. He sees that God planned him with a very special plan and that God cares for him and loves him with a very special care and love. God the Father, God the Son, and God the Holy Spirit were all involved in planning and creating him. God’s plan for His creation was so important that it necessitated the fullness of God’s presence. GOD exists in community. We are physical reflections of that spiritual reality. We have a built in need for community. We are incomplete apart from significant relationships with other people. In fact, after God created the first man and pronounced everything as “GOOD” however, He noticed one thing was “NOT GOOD.”
Genesis 2:18
“The Lord God said, ‘It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.”
We each have a built in need for deep, satisfying relationships within the community of mankind. Tragically there are times we deny the way we’re created for community and run away from that legitimate need.
ILLUSTRATION: Dr. Robert Putnam, Harvard Study: “The Social Capital Community Benchmark Survey”
“Americans as a whole don’t volunteer, don’t join clubs, don’t know their neighbors, don’t trust each other and otherwise neglect the basic needs of fellowship as outlined in Genesis. The result: we have a nation of strangers who are increasingly unhappy, alienated, crime-ridden and continually live in isolation.” The study interviewed about 29,200 people in over 40 different communities throughout the United States. The study indicated that “The degree in which we socialize with one another, trust one another and join with one another in community life, predicts a city’s quality of life far better than levels of education or income.”
Putnam’s research found that MEMBERSHIP IN EVERY AREA OF GROUP ACTIVITIES, such as bowling leagues, fraternal orders, churches, labor unions, clubs, HAS STEADILY FALLEN. The conclusion from Dr. Putnam’s study indicated that America’s stockpile of ‘social capital,’ or trust and cooperation among citizens, has dropped to an all time low.
The Harvard study concludes, “The chief culprits robbing Americans from relationships and causing the increased feelings of loneliness include: “COMPUTERS, TELEVISION, LONGER WORK HOURS, the RISE OF TWO-EARNER FAMILIES and INCREASED ETHNIC DIVERSITY.”
The American Demographics Report (7/96):
“The percentage of pet owners who would choose their pet as a companion over another human if stranded on a desert island:” 54%
We need each other. Denying that fact robs us of the fullness God has in mind. There’s only one way to combat loneliness and that is to go on the offensive. Build your own team. We must proactively establish solid relationships. It won’t just happen. Enduring relationships require a lot more work. Let’s now examine…
BIBLICAL PRINCIPLES FOR BUILDING RADICAL RELATIONSHIPS FOR LIFE!
I. COMMON AFFINITY (1 Sam. 18:1)
Affinity means that you have something in common. The Greek equivalent to affinity is “KOINOÔNIAI” which means sharing the common life or fellowship. There’s something that you just like about that other person. Certainly you’ve met people before who you just "hit it off with" when you met them. That’s affinity. We have an example of it in the Old Testament. One of the most enduring friendships recorded in the Bible occurred between David and Jonathan.
After David had finished talking with Saul, he met Jonathan, the king’s son. There was an immediate bond of love between them, and they became the best of friends.
1 Samuel 18:1
“After David had finished talking with Saul, Jonathan became one in spirit with David, and he loved him as himself.”
You must have a high level of affinity with another person before you can hope to establish a deep and lasting relationship. Friends find quickly that they share several levels of commonality. One of the most important aspects of friendship in the Christian life is the encouragement and growth in your spiritual life.
1 Samuel 23:16
“Jonathan went to find David and encouraged him to stay strong in his faith in God.”
Enduring friendship occur when people who hold similar values and beliefs. The Bible sums up this principle in a succinct way:
Amos 3:3: “Do two walk together unless they have agreed to do so?”
You’ve got to start with common affinity. Does this mean you’ll never disagree and will always see eye to eye? Of course not. But you will have large areas of commonality. THIS IS WHY THE CHURCH MAKES ONE OF THE BEST PLACES TO BUILD ENDURING FRIENDSHIPS AND WHY MAKING SURE THAT YOU ARE COMMITTED TO A SMALL GROUP IS ESSENTIAL TO OUR VISION FOR BUILDING RADICAL RELATIONSHIPS FOR LIFE. As we commit our lives to Christ and become members and grow spiritually we develop a unity. There’s a common sense of purpose and mission and vision. If you’re a person of faith begin looking for building friendships with like-minded individuals.
The second principle for building radical relationships for life is…
II. COMPLETE ACCEPTANCE (Prov. 17:17)
“A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for adversity.”
Without this ingredient you’ll never go deeper in your relationships than acquaintance level. The Bible tells us this about true friendships.
Prov. 17:17 conveys the idea that both the friend and the brother are valued companions. The picture is of true friends—and relatives—are faithful in times of adversity as well as prosperity. Character is shown by our ability to form friendships. True Friends never desert or ignore you. In life’s toughest times friends find ways to help.
Casey Stengel Story
I grew up in Oklahoma, home of Mickey Mantle and by virture of the early instruction of my father I have been a die-hard Yankee fan my entire life. When I was first old enough to understand the power of the Yankees domination I was acquainted with their manager, Casey Stengel. He was a character with a tremendous ability to coach winners. As he grew older his success diminished and he was eventually fired. My heart absolutely broke and I sat down and wrote him a letter as an eight year old boy. I simply told him that I thought he was the greatest coach in the world and then offered a suggestion. Much to my surprise Casey quoted my letter in a Life magazine article: “I ain’t worried about losing a job, I can always get a job. As a matter of fact I have a letter here from an eight year old boy in Oklahoma that has invited me to come and coach his little league team.”
Can you remain a friend in the best and worst of times? Can you love people warts and all? Or do you drop them like a hot potato when there’s a disagreement or a hurt? Deep relationships require that we accept others, and true friends sit down and work through their differences, they don’t simply throw away a relationship because of a tough time and they never desert a friend in their time of need. Pity the person who has no friends in times of adversity. There can be no greater pain and no more intense loneliness.
Friendship doesn’t mean that you affirm sin. It means you accept the person no matter what and actively seek their healing and restoration. This is especially true of followers of Jesus Christ in their relationships.
Galatians 6:1
“Brothers, if someone is caught in a sin, you who are spiritual should restore him gently. But watch yourself, or you also may be tempted.”
We can accept others, even in their worst sin, if we remember that we are sinners too. Given the right circumstances we’re all vulnerable to temptation. We’ve been forgiven and accepted by God and therefore Christian friends understand the need to return the favor. The third principle for building radical relationships is…
III. CONSISTENT AUTHENTICITY (Rom 12:10)
“Be devoted to one another in brotherly love. Honor one another above yourselves.”
The word “devoted” in this text refers to the believer’s responsibility to live an authentic life with fellow Christians; he is to live being both kind and affectionate. Note: there is no dissension or divisiveness in love. The Christian is to live an authentic life in love and a spirit of servitude to one another.
Authenticity means that you’re real. You are honest about who you are and how you feel. Perhaps we can understand it better if we look at an inauthentic person.
“Becoming a Contagious Christian” Bill Hybels tells this story:
A newly promoted colonel had moved into a makeshift office during the Gulf War. He was just getting unpacked when out of the corner of his eye, he noticed a private with a toolbox coming his way. Wanting to seem important, he grabbed the phone: “Yes, General Schwartzkopf, of course, I think that’s an excellent plan.” He continued: “You’ve got my support, thanks for checking with me. Let’s touch base again soon. Thanks Norm. Goodbye.”
“And what can I do for you, Private?” The Col. asked the young man.
“Uhhh, I’m just here to hook up your phone, sir.”
If we’re all about making good impressions and keeping up appearances we’ll never go deep in our relationships. AUTHENTICITY means communicating to our friends the truth of what is really going on in our lives. Even Jesus, the Son of God, admitted to his closest friends when he was in need. The night before his execution, knowing what was about to take place, Jesus revealed his feeling to his friends.
Matthew 26:37-38
“He took Peter and the two sons of Zebedee along with him, and he began to be sorrowful and troubled. [38] Then he said to them, “My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death. Stay here and keep watch with me.”
He didn’t say, “Men, I’m going to be crucified, but I’m not concerned. I have no fear and everything is okay.” No, Jesus admitted the horror that filled his soul as he imagined the shame and agony of being nailed naked to a cross. Jesus was real. He was authentic is admitting how he felt and what he needed.
To build a radical relationship for life that protect you from loneliness you must be real, authentic and transparent with one another. Not only is authenticity essential for friendships it’s apparently the path to wholeness both spiritual and emotional.
James 5:16
“Therefore confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed. The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective.”
When acting in authentic obedience and admitting your needs and/or sins you not only find a friend will stand with you prayer, will love you through that time but will also be there to hold you accountable in order that you may obtain victory over the transgression. Yes, your trial balloon of transparency may get popped, but there’s a greater probability you’ll develop a closer friendship and find healing for the lonely soul.
The fourth biblical principle for building a radical relationship for life is…
IV. COMPASSIONATE ASSISTANCE (Prov. 27:17; Ecc. 4:9)
“As iron sharpens iron, so one man sharpens another.”
“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work.”
There is a mental sharpness that comes from being around good and godly friends, friends that are willing to invest, to encourage and to assist friends in all times of their life. This scripture indicates that a meeting of minds can help people see their ideas with new clarity, refine them, and shape them into brilliant insights. This requires a friendship that has the freedom to challenge each other and stimulate thought—people who focus on the idea without involving their egos in the discussion; people who know how to attack the thought and not the thinker. Prov. 27:17 refers to friends who are always there with an understanding that if one friend falls the other friend is there immediately to help.
Ecc 4:9 Reminds us there are advantages to cooperating with others. Life is designed for companionship, not ISOLATION, for INTIMACY, not loneliness. Some people prefer isolation, thinking they cannot trust anyone. We are not here on earth to serve ourselves, however, but to serve God and others.
Illustration of Don DeGreve & Friends
In November of 1992, Donald DeGreve, 65, suffered a fatal heart attack while playing a golf match in league play at Winter Haven, Fla. As his body lay on the 16th green, covered with a sheet, and while course officials tried to contact his wife and funeral home personnel, a steady stream of DeGreve’s friends, playing in the Swiss Village Mobile Home Park league, passed from the 15th green to the 17th tee to continue their games. One man was quoted in the Orlando Sentinel: “Life goes on, after all, we paid for 18 holes.”
How deep do you imagine those relationships went? They were shallow because real friends put aside their personal self-serving agenda and they are there to help when help is needed the most.
Not only are we talking about being a friend who could be called at 2:00 in the morning for help, you’ve got to love other enough to tell them the truth. Love seeks the best for the other person. Many times compassionate assistance plays out when we help our friends overcome their blind spots. Again the Proverbs reminds us how important our friends are in times of struggle.
Prov. 27:6
“Wounds from a friend can be trusted, but an enemy multiplies kisses.”
Deep relationships develop us into whole people. Without deep abiding friendships within a community we can NEVER be the Spirit-filled creation that God designed. Remember, HE designed us for relationship and to live in Community. No man or woman is an island. You can acquire almost everything from living in solitude-except friends, character and genuine emotional and spiritual stability.
The final biblical principle for building relationships for life includes…
V. CHRISTLIKE AFFIRMATION (1Thess. 5:11; Rom. 14:9)
To build enduring and radical relationships for life you must also learn to follow the example of Christ and affirm others. Telling your friends what they mean to you and affirming them in their spiritual life, their maturity, and their growth in every area of life. Your affirmation gives a friend security and let’s them know how much they are valued.
1 Thess. 5:11
“Therefore encourage one another and build each other up, just as in fact you are doing.”
Romans 14:19
“Let us therefore make every effort to do what leads to peace and to mutual edification.”
Every true believer is going to heaven. Until Christ calls us home, we have plenty of work to do in this world. A great part of God’s work for us is centered on Christian friends learning to COMFORT, ENCOURAGE and EQUIP one another!
Conclusion:
Author Stu Weber illustrates the need for friendship from his personal experience in the military.
In 1967 a grizzled old sergeant at Fort Benning, shouted to the new Ranger recruits, “You are to NEVER go into battle alone!” The hardened Ranger sergeant announced our first assignment. We’d prepared ourselves for something really tough, perhaps running 10 miles in full battle gear or rappelling down a sheer cliff. His first order caught us off guard.
He told us to find a buddy. “This is step one,” he growled. “You need to find yourself a Ranger buddy. You will stick together. You will never leave each other. You will encourage each other every day, you will live with one another, help one another, and you will know one another and, if necessary, you will carry each other, but you will NEVER be alone.” Then he looked at us and said, “It’s impossible to face life’s most difficult assignments without a friend. Together is always better. Two is better than one.” Sergeant Fort Benning
Jesus illustrated it this way…
John 15:13-15
“Greater love has no one than this, that he lay down his life for his friends. [14] You are my friends if you do what I command. [15] I no longer call you servants, because a servant does not know his master’s business. Instead, I have called you friends, for everything that I learned from my Father I have made known to you.”
CrossPoints: Write the names of three closest friends. Now pray for them and commit to write or call them this week to encourage them. If you do not have three close friends then use God’s word today to begin to pray for godly friendships. Remember the law of the Harvest, “we reap what we sow.” Start today by sowing seeds of friendship in others and then expect your harvest.
