Your Home A Safe Haven
Ephesians 5:22-33
Introduction
Several days ago I had a Dentist appointment for a regular check up and to see the hygienist. The hygienist is about 27 years old and planning to get married this coming summer. In our discussion we were talking about marriage (it’s not that easy carrying on a discussion when getting your teeth scrapped and cleaned) and he asked me: “What do you think is the most important thing in marriage?” I spontaneous replied: “Keep no secrets.” I told him that openness, honesty and integrity are keys to a successful marriage.
Someone has said that honesty is like a flu shot. It may give you a short pain, but it keeps you healthier during the following months.
Ephesians 5:22-33 gives a prescription for making your home a safe haven. The goal of our home is to have an atmosphere that acts like a magnet where our children and others are drawn there because it is a safe place – a safe haven.
# Our son Wendel in Tribune, Kansas is in his tenth year of family medical practice. Tribune is a small town of 1,000 people. Several months ago Wendel and is wife purchased a Lutheran Church that had been closed for several years. They are going to remodel the church (only 3,600 sq. ft.) into a house – the are calling their new home “Haven House.” Wendel’s Goal is to make his home a safe place. They are looking at a year of work to remodel the church into their Haven House.
How do you make your home a safe haven? Ephesians 5:15-21 gives the pre-requisites.
-Husband and wife are committed to finding God’s will and obeying His will. 5:17 “…understand what the will of the Lord is.”
- Not living according to the desires of the flesh but filled with the Holy Spirit. 5:18 “…not drunk with wine but filled with the Spirit.”
- Live with a song in your heart. 5:19… “singing and making melody in your heart.”
-Live to the honor and glory of God 5:20… “Giving thanks always for all things to God the Father in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ.”
-Live with a servant’s heart – 5:21…“submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.”
Marriage is a sacred covenant. Jesus said: “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.” (Matthew 19:5-6)
Homes become safe havens when the:
I. Wife Encourages and Supports her husband.
It takes both husband and wife working together to make marriage work. Ephesians 5:22-24: “Wives, understand and support your husbands in ways that show your support for Christ. The husband provides leadership to his wife the way Christ does to his church, not by domineering but by cherishing. So, just as the church submits to Christ as he exercises such leadership, wives should likewise submit to their husbands.” (Message). The encouragement and support talked about here is not financial support, but emotional support and working together as part of the marriage partnership and team.
“Submission” talked about here is in the context of love, it is not grievous nor humiliating, but magnifying.
Successful marriages are a partnership – working together in harmony. A marriage is divisive when each partner has his or her own agenda.
Psychologists Dr. Archibald Hart and His daughter Dr. Sharon Hart Morris in their book, Marriage building a relationship you want to come home to – tell of a couple married six years with two small children. They are talking to a counselor. Fighting usually begins at their home when the husband has not helped around the house as his wife would like him to. She tries to talk to her husband about important things, but he never seems to be available to talk. When they do talk she says she has to drag the communication out of him. She says her husband is both aloof and uncaring. He’s a good father, but not the least bit helpful.
The husband says they argue because his wife is always unhappy with him. It’s either that he hasn’t done what she wants him to do or he’s said something hurtful or hasn’t handled the kids right.
He says, “I walk on eggshells most of the time with my wife. No matter what I do, it just isn’t good enough. I say something that upsets her, or I forget to do something she thinks is important. Then I get it. She yells, criticizes, and makes me feel like a failure as a husband. No matter what I do, I can’t convince her that I really do care for her. Quite frankly, I’m tired of the whole thing. I’ve pretty much shut down.”
The wife responds: “He just doesn’t take care of responsibilities, so I have to keep reminding him. If I don’t remind him, nothing will ever get done. I have to work really hard at getting him to share himself with me. It is so draining that it’s unbelievable. I feel completely alone in this marriage.”
Successful marriages are relationships where both husband and wife feel safe enough to share their feelings and each spouse has respect for each others feelings and tries to understand each others point of view.
Marriages are never safe when there is physical or emotional abuse.
John Wesley the founder of the Methodist Church did a great work for God even through he had a troubled marriage.
While crossing a bridge in London, John Wesley stumbled and sprained his ankle. Some friends carried him to the house of Mrs. Mary Vazielle on Threadneedle Street. She was a widow with several children. She cared for Wesley and his response to her concern was to ask her to marry him. You might say that the sprained ankle was God’s providential way to bring those people together. But the marriage was a disaster, and Mary finally left John.
Had Wesley consulted with his brother Charles, and asked for the prayers of other Christians, he might have avoided that unfortunate situation. Mary was accustomed to her quiet home, and it was difficult for her to travel with her husband and stay in uncomfortable inns. It is unfortunate that Mary was not content just to ignore John’s ministry; she actually opposed it. She gave certain personal letters to his enemies and even made additions to them that made them worse! Once she even pulled her husband around on the floor by his hair! "I felt as though I could have knocked the soul out of her!" one of Wesley’s friends said. Wesley concluded that his unhappy marriage encouraged him to work harder and not complain about missing the comforts of a home. Certainly it encouraged him to be away from home more!
In marriage both husband and wife have equal value and need to be appreciated for their various roles.
# There’s a story that Thomas Wheeler, CEO of the Massachusetts Mutual Life Insurance Company, tells on himself. He and his wife were driving along an interstate highway when he noticed that their car was low on gas. Wheeler got off the highway at the next exit and soon found a rundown gas station with just one gas pump. He asked the lone attendant to fill the tank and check the oil; then went for a little walk around the station to stretch his legs.
As he was returning to the car, he noticed that the attendant and his wife were engaged in an animated conversation. The conversation stopped as he paid the attendant. But as he was getting back into the car, he saw the attendant wave and heard him say, "It was great talking to you." As they drove out of the station, Wheeler asked his wife if she knew the man. She readily admitted she did. They had gone to high school together and had dated steadily for about a year.
"Boy, were you lucky that I came along," bragged Wheeler. "If you had married him, you’d be the wife of a gas station attendant instead of the wife of a chief executive officer."
"My dear," replied his wife, "if I had married him, he’d be the chief executive officer and you’d be the gas station attendant."
Ephesians 5 is talking about unconditional love. Husbands and wives are to love each other as Christ loved the Church and gave his life for it.
Home is a safe haven when the wife encourages and supports her husband.
II. A Home is a Safe Haven when the Husband Loves and Cares for His Wife.
Ephesians 5:25-28: “Husbands, go all out in your love for your wives, exactly as Christ did for the church – a love marked by giving, not getting. Christ’s love makes the church whole. His words evoke her beauty. Everything he does and says is designed to bring the best out other, dressing her in dazzling white silk, radiant with holiness. And that is how husbands ought to love their wives. They’re really doing themselves a favor – since they’re already “one” in marriage.” (Message)
Husbands are addressed directly – “Husbands love your wives.” “The word “Love” is a present imperative – “continue to love” or “go on loving.” “As Christ loved the church – gave Himself up for the church.”
• Christ’s love was self giving love. Romans 5:8 “God demonstrates his love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”
• Christ’s love was sacrificial love.
Love Busters happen when selfishness becomes a primary factor in the marriage relationship.
Harley, in his book Love Busters, lists these six love busters.
1. Selfish demands. "I want what I want right now. I want you to do it this way." Who wants to live with a dictator?
2. Disrespectful judgments. Who wants to live with a critic? "You always. You never. How come?"
3. Angry outbursts. "You should be careful. You never know when he or she is going to blow up." Who wants to live with a time bomb?
4. Dishonesty, where we cannot speak the truth or we speak half-truths or we leave things unsaid. Who wants to live with a liar?
5. Annoying habits. Who wants to live with a dripping faucet?
6. Independent behavior. Who wants to live with an inconsiderate jerk?
Ephesians 5:31 says, “…each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” Some husbands try to show love to their wives as if its part of their job.
# One husband remembered special days as a matter of routine: He thought he had conquered the problem of trying to remember his wife’s birthday and their anniversary. He opened an account with a florist, provided him with the dates and instructions to send flowers along with an appropriate note signed, "Your loving husband." His wife was thrilled by this new display of attention and all went well until one day when he came home, kissed his wife and said offhandedly, "Nice flowers, honey. Where’d you get them?"
I have a question for you married men. “Why did you decide to marry your wife?” Was it her pleasant personality? She was attractive? She is a committed and practicing Christian. Most couples marry each other because they were in love.
True love in marriage looks for ways to build up one another. The goal is harmony in the home.
Remember no marriage is perfect, no person is perfect. At times you may sing different tunes, but with the same score of music and the same goal.
Having your home a safe haven is worth fighting for. Satan is in the business of wrecking marriages. Satan will do anything to cause you to stumble – deceive you, trick you, lie to you, distract you, or do anything to prevent you from following the Lord.
When dealing with the Devil, keep in mind:
• Satan cannot be honest. John 8:44 (Jesus said the very nature of the Devil is to lie and not tell the truth)
• Satan is a liar. Rev. 12:9 (His mission is to lead the world astray)
• Satan’s motive is to lie. I John 5:19 (The whole world is under the influence of the Devil)
Satan is out to destroy lives, wreck marriages; keep you from daily prayer, keep you from bible study, keep you from regular worship, and make false teachings seem reasonable.
You can defeat Satan by turning to Jesus and the delivering power of the Holy Spirit.
Safe Haven Marriages don’t just happen you have to work for them. Prayer is your defense against the wiles of the Devil. Eph. 6:18 (Put on the full armor of God and continue in Prayer) “In the same way, prayer is essential in the ongoing warfare. Pray hard and long. Pray for your brothers and sisters. Keep your eyes open. Keep each others spirits up so that no one falls behind or drops out.” (Message)
It makes sense that Paul compares the relationship of marriage to the Church, the Body of Christ in Ephesians 5 and then in Ephesians 6 tells of the spiritual warfare every Christian faces and how to put on the full armor of God to defeat the Devil.
Philippians 4:6-7 also teaches the importance of prayer in making your home a safe haven: “Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer, and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made know to God; and the peace of God which surpasses all understanding; will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”
True harmony in marriage might be compared to Velcro. Our hearts and lives are intricately connected to those we deeply care for. The fibers of our heart and lives intertwine and connect with the meshed fibers of our loved ones, and we emotionally bond.
Bonding in the family takes place between husband and wife and parents and children. Bonding deepens over time and through shared experiences.
Good marriages are like a fishing net. Each day fishermen use their nets to catch fish and sell them at the market. One fisherman takes his fish from the net every day but lets debris from the ocean accumulate there. Eventually so much debris is caught in the net that he can hardly cast it out of the boat, and when he does; it’s almost impossible to retrieve. Finally, in a fit of anger, he cuts the net loose and goes home without it. He’s unable to catch and sell fish again until he buys another net.
Another fisherman removes debris every time he retrieves the net with the fish he caught. Each time he casts his net, it’s clean and ready to catch more fish. As a result, he catches and sells enough fish to support himself and his family.
The fishing net represents marriage. The fish are emotional needs met in marriage and the debris is “love busters”, bad habits that cause unhappiness. Bad marriages are like the fishing net that continue to catch fish without taking out the debris that builds up more and more. Angry out bursts, disrespectful judgments, annoying behavior, selfish demands, and dishonesty accumulate over time.
Good marriages, safe havens, are like the clean nets. Love busters are eliminated as soon as they appear, making it easy for each spouse to meet the other’s emotional needs.
It is God’s will that your home is a safe Haven. I encourage you to pray in your heart this prayer:
O God, our Heavenly Father, protect and bless us. Deepen and strengthen our love for each other day by day. Grant that by Your mercy neither of us ever say one unkind word to the other. Forgive and correct our faults, and make us constantly to forgive one another should one of us unconsciously hurt the other. Make us and keep us sound and well in body, alert in mind, tender in heart, devout in spirit. O Lord, grant us each to rise to the other’s best. Then we pray You add to our common life such virtues as only You can give. And so, O Father, consecrate our life and our love completely to Your worship, and to the service of all about us, especially those whom You have appointed us to serve, that we may always stand before You in happiness and peace; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen.
