Every Christian deals with loss and grief at some time during their life. It might come in the form of the death of a loved one, the loss of a financial position, the loss of good health or the shattering of dreams. When this happens, we naturally ask, "Why?" and along with the original loss, we are sometimes tempted to lose our faith in God’s goodness. We enter a period of grief.
How should we as Christians deal with this grief? Is it wrong to grieve? Has God forsaken us?
The first thing the Christian faced with a loss should understand is, that it is "okay" to grieve. Jesus said, "Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted." (Mat. 5) The word "mourn" comes from a Greek word that means "to lament or bemoan oneself". Jesus said that we who bemoan ourselves are to be envied - blessed. Why is that? Because those who mourn will be comforted. In today’s English, the word "comfort" is almost synonymous with "sympathize." Although Jesus does sympathize with us (the scriptures describes Him as a "Man of Sorrows, well-acquainted with grief and able to sympathize with our weaknesses"), sympathy is not what is meant here. Perhaps you can better grasp the meaning of the Greek word used here (parakaleo) if you understand what comfort meant in Old English. It originally came from two words: come + fortify. God is saying here that He has more to offer us than a sympathetic ear and a pat on the head. He wants to come and fortify us or infuse us with his power. We are not helpless in our grief. He is here to give us the strength to go on and to live successful lives! In fact, He wants to change our losses into gains.
Let’s go to the book of II Samuel, chapter l2, verses 15 through 24, where we will find a Biblical pattern for the grief process in a story from the life of David. You may recall that David committed adultery with Bathsheba, she became pregnant with his child and he had her husband killed. They then married but their child died soon after birth. (Now understand - the fact that sin was committed and punished in this story is irrelevant for our purposes. We just want to lift out the part about David’s grief and use it as a pattern.) Here is what the scriptures say.
Then the Lord struck the child that Uriah’s widow bore to David so that he was very sick. David therefore inquired of God for the child; and David fasted and went and lay all night on the ground. And the elders of his household stood beside him, in order to hold him up from the ground, for he was unwilling and would not eat food with them. Then it happened that on the seventh day that the child died ...But when David saw that his servants were whispering together, David perceived that the child was dead; so David said to his servants, "Is the child dead?" And they said, "He is dead." So David arose from the ground, washed, anointed himself, and changed his clothes; and he came into the house of the Lord and worshiped. Then he came to his own house, and when he requested, they set food before him and he ate. Then his servant said to him, "What is this thing you have done? While the child was alive, you fasted and wept; but when the child died, you arose and ate food." And he said, "While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept; for I said, ’’Who knows, the Lord may be gracious to me, that the child may live. But now he has died; why should I fast? Can I bring him back again? I shall go to him, but he will not return to me.’" Then David comforted his wife Bathsheba, and went in to her and lay with her; and she gave birth to a son, and he named him Solomon. (NASB)
First, we see that David got down on the ground, fasted and prayed. That’s what we should do as well, when we are faced with new pain, disability or loss. We should humble ourselves, fast and pray. We should seek the Lord and ask Him to restore us. This should, in fact, be the very first thing we do when faced with loss. It may be that God will direct you to take an action that will bring about improvement. Others in the church should also lift us up and support us as we pray. The fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much. There comes a point, however, at which if He does not restore the situation, we must go on.
Occasionally, though, some people get "stuck" in the mourning phase. When this happens, mourning can turn into self-pity. Although it is normal to grieve for our losses, it is just as important that we don’t grieve too long! During Old Testament times, God gave the Jews specific directions regarding grief and mourning. According to the Law, the Jews were allowed to express their grief in some of the same ways as the heathen nations around them - by crying, wailing and wearing sack cloth and ashes. They were forbidden, however, from another practice common in the Middle east - that of cutting themselves. Why was this? I believe it was because the Jews were not supposed to mourn like the heathen, who had no real hope. A cut will leave a scar - God doesn’t want us scarred by our losses. He doesn’t want us to make a memorial to them. He wants us to mourn and then go on to the future He has planned for us.
When it became evident that God had not answered David’s prayer in the way he had hoped, the scripture says in verse 20a that he "arose". That is what we need to do as well. At some point, we must "rise above" our grief and sorrow, pick up the pieces and go on. Remember Joseph’s words: You meant evil against me, but God meant it for good in order to bring about this present result... Satan means this affliction as evil against us but God means it for good in order to bring about some purpose of His own in your life or in the lives of others. Decide that you are going to trust Him in this and live your life within the constraints that He has placed upon you, just as Joseph did. This is the first step in bearing fruit.
Next, in verse 20b, it says he "washed". Each one of us is God’s vessel to be used for His purposes. One of my particular losses was my health when I became chronically ill. Before that, I was a typical type-A personality - a perfectionist who was involved in everything. When, because of pain and fatigue, I was unable to work, serve the Lord and minister to my family in the old ways, it was very difficult for me. But I am finding that He is now using me in new ways. So when I read that David washed himself, I think of washing out my "vessel" and getting it all ready for God to use in a new way.
Verse 20c says he "anointed himself". Of course, we know that oil is a symbol of the Holy Spirit. We also know that one of the very names used for the Holy Spirit is "The Comforter" (John 14) At this point in the grief process, we must let the Holy Spirit minister to us in two ways: First, we need for Him to comfort us in our grief. Then we need to let Him empower us for the road ahead.
Next, in verse 20d, it says he "changed his garments". We need to do that as well. Put away the mourning clothes - God is about to do something new! Put on the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness.
Then, verse 20e reveals that he "worshipped" God. We, too, need to worship Him. In his extreme situation, Job was able to say, "The Lord gives, the Lord takes away; Blessed be the Name of the Lord." Does that sound too difficult? Understand this: if God is God, He deserves our worship whether things are going well in our lives or not. But once you really know Him, you will find it easy to worship Him - even in the worst of circumstances. This is because when we really know Him and know His character, we discover that He is all good. He has never done or allowed anything to be done to us in our entire lives but that which was meant for good. We can trust Him and His love nature even when we don’t understand His reasons. "I know my plans for you," saith the Lord,” plans for a future and a hope."
Then, in verse 20f, it says "he ate". After we rise above our grief, prepare ourselves and worship, it’s time to get into the Word of God! Find out what He wants to say to us through His Spirit and His Word. Go and feast! His statutes are sweeter than honey and the honey comb! Some of the most wonderful revelations take place in the furnace of affliction!
Now, go down to verse 24a where it says he comforted Bathsheba. II Cor. 1: 4 says that we are to "comfort others who are in any affliction with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God." Your experience with pain, suffering and loss will draw you closer to the Lord. You will experience Him in a new, fuller way - you will know Him in a new way. As a result, you will find yourself drawn to others and them to you. You will find yourself ministering God’s love in new ways.
Finally, it says he "went in to Bathsheba and lay with her" and she gave birth to Solomon. I’m sure that David and Bathsheba, like all parents, had dreams for that first child - dreams and hopes that were dashed and left unfulfilled when he died. Do you have dreams that now seem destined to remain unfulfilled? Had you hoped that your life would turn out differently? Give up those hopes and dreams to God and let Him give you new ones, just as He gave David and Bathsheba a new son. God has created us for good works that we should walk in them.
