After last week’s message on meeting a spouse’s needs, someone left a note on the on the floor at the door to my office. It’s from “Desperate Husband.”
Dear Rick,
I need your advice. I tried practicing what you taught in last week’s sermon. I took your idea of small gifts and gave it a slight twist. In light of the current economic conditions and business being low, I bought household cleaning supplies instead of cosmetics and left one each morning with a note as follows:
Monday:
A can of furniture polish and a note reading: “I Pledge to always love you!”
Tuesday:
A bottle of cleaner with a note saying: “You are Fantastic!”
Wednesday:
A can of carpet cleaner and a note stating “My Resolve is to show you my love!”
Thursday:
A box of laundry detergent and a note saying “You Cheer me up each day.”
Friday:
A can of stain remover with a note reading “I want to Shout it out from the mountain tops just how much you mean to me.”
Strangely enough, I did not get the response I expected. Not only did I not get the warm welcome I expected at the end of each day, but it appears the house did not get cleaned and the laundry did not get washed. Additionally, by Wednesday, she wore her flannel nightgown to bed, Thursday she added her robe, and Friday she locked the bedroom door and I ended up on the sofa.
I don’t get it! Where did I go wrong? Perhaps you can give some more advice in this week’s sermon to further enlighten me.
Sincerely,
Desperate Husband
P.S. In case you were wondering, I got a great deal on everything at Marc’s!
* * *
Today, I want to talk to you about communication in the family.
Can you hear me now?
Improving communication in your family
Series: A home that runs
Text: Selected
Someone said that three C-words are critically important to a family’s success. 1) Compatibility: moving from clashing over differences closer to celebrating our uniqueness. 2) Conflict resolution: moving from being conflict-avoiders to conflict-facers. 3) Communication:
Today, we’ll look at how we can learn to hold our tongues and how we can use them effectively. The most important skill that you can learn is how to communicate effectively. Lack of communication and faulty communication has been the cause of marriage being torn apart, family being destroyed, and churches and organizations losing effectiveness.
Many couples mistakenly think that their inability to communicate successfully and lovingly means they don’t love each other enough. Certainly love has a lot to do with it, but communication skill is a much more important ingredient. Fortunately, it’s a skill we can learn.
To improve our family communication, I will…
1. … overcome my fear of intimacy.
Let’s go back to creation. Men and women were created in the image of God. I don’t know all of what that means. But part of what it means is that we have been given this ability to communicate.
God is a God who is not silent. He speaks. “In the beginning was the Word…” The Bible is called God’s Word. The Bible is the written Word of God and Jesus is the living Word of God. Over and over in the Bible, you see phrases like “The Word of the LORD came to him saying…” God speaks. He spoke and the worlds came into existence.
And God hears. Psalm 4:3 says, “The LORD hears when I call to Him.” Psalm 6:8 says, “The LORD has heard the voice of my weeping.”
God wants us to know Him. He wants relationship with us. He’s the Great Communicator.
So, to be created in the image of God means that we communicate. We speak and we hear. We want to know and be known. And before the fall, that’s the way it was.
And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed…
Genesis 1:25
But Adam and Eve fell into sin. And I want you to see one of the consequences.
Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loin coverings.
Genesis 3:7
They covered themselves. Men and women have been covering up ever since. This is part of what it means to say that the image of God has been distorted. We are no longer sure we want to know and be known. We don’t talk well and we don’t listen well. We are fallen communicators. We fear intimacy. Our sin makes us want to run and hide from each other.
Intimacy is the understanding of each other’s innermost worlds. Most marriages end because one or both of the partners is incapable of engaging in intimacy. Most kids rebel because one or both parents won’t open – won’t talk about what’s really bugging them – won’t admit wrongdoing.
We are very good at hiding our true feelings. We develop compensating identities to mask what’s really going on inside. We use all kinds of fig leaves.
We put on the competent front to avoid feeling inadequate.
We show anger as a way to keep from feeling fear.
We act righteously offended as a way of avoiding the feelings of hurt.
We go shopping to avoid the painful feelings of disappointment.
To improve our family communication, I will overcome my fear of intimacy.
2. … learn the art of give and take.
The art of give: How to speak so others will listen
I’ve noticed that people generally operate in one of two extremes with how they use words – how we hide our true selves behind our words.
God has given me a paradigm to help encourage communication, conflict resolution, honesty and openness. Let’s ask four questions:
Are you a stuffer?
Both men and women can stuff.
A woman can stuff this way: He ought to be able to see what the problem is. I’m not going to embarrass him by having to draw him a map.”
I know that what I’m about to say are general statements, but here goes… To feel better, men like to go into their caves to solve problems alone. When women want to talk about problems, men usually resist.
To expect a man who is in his cave instantly to become open, responsive, and loving is unrealistic. It’s a mistake to expect a man to always be in touch with his feelings.
But having said that, it’s important to know that God’s word doesn’t give us the option of being a stuffer.
I tend to stuff to avoid conflict. A verse God has given me is…
He who rebukes a man will afterward find more favor than he who flatters with the tongue.
Proverbs 28:23
Are you a stuffer?
Are you a gusher?
· Often think with the mouth open while the stuffer thinks with the mouth shut.
· Has an answer for every problem while the stuffer doesn’t confront problems.
· Thinks that true spirituality is correcting other’s faults while the stuffer thinks that true spirituality is overlooking the faults.
Just as God’s word doesn’t give us the option of being a stuffer, it doesn’t; give us the option of being a gusher.
When there are many words, transgression is unavoidable, but he who restrains his lips is wise.
Proverbs 10:19
Are you a gusher?
Now think with me about our attitudes. To be effective as a communicator, we can’t just think about the words, but what’s behind the words. What’s the spirit? What’s the heart behind the words? What’s the attitude?
Are you a judger?
You know who you are. The people who live with you know who you are. Are you harsh, critical, and a fault-finder?
God’s word doesn’t give us the option of being a judger.
Do not go on passing judgment before the time, but wait until the Lord comes who will both bring to light the things hidden in the darkness and disclose the motives of men’s hearts; and then each man’s praise will come to him from God.
I Corinthians 4:5
Are you a judger?
Are you an enabler?
the judger has a confrontational spirit while the enabler has a “live and let live” spirit
the judger exposes faults while the enabler conceals faults
the judger sees the enabler as a wimp while the enabler sees the judger as a bully
Just as God’s word doesn’t give us the option of being a judger, His word gives us no option of being an enabler.
We proclaim Him, admonishing every man and teaching every man with all wisdom, so that we may present every man complete in Christ.
Colossians 1:28
Which quadrant do you typically operate in with your spouse? With your kids? I’ve noticed that we can operate in different quadrants in different environments.
Do you tend to be a …
… stuffer/judger? (People would say that I sulk and pout)
… stuffer/enabler? (People would say that I want peace at any price)
… gusher/judger? (People would say that I wound and alienate)
… gusher/enabler? (People would say that I flatter and sweet-talk)
How much damage have you caused because of it?
Solution: Be full of grace and truth so you can speak the truth in love.
And the Word became flesh, and dwelt among us, and we saw His glory, glory as of the only begotten from the Father, full of grace and truth.
John 1:14
Speaking the truth in love, we are to grow up…
Ephesians 4:15
What is wrong with your marriage and with your relationship with your kids? Trace things to their roots and you will find that time after time it’s a bad use of words and bad hearts.
The art of give means that I learn how to speak so others will listen. But that’s not all…
The art of take: How to listen so others will speak
I heard about a couple who were with some friends when the subject of marriage counseling came up. She said, “We’ll never need counseling. We have a great relationship. In college, he was a communications major and I was a drama major. He talks and I just act like I’m listening.”
Then Bible teaches that we must really listen.
Everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak and slow to anger.
James 1:19
Are you a good listener? Thinks about who you go to for advice? Not to the people who can tell you exactly what to do, but to the listeners – the kindest, least bossy people you know.
Four habits of great listeners:
Unhurried time
I remember taking a class on managing the staff at the Chapel in Akron. Knute Larson talked about spending weekly time with his wife at breakfasts. In recent years, Maryanne and I have been having lunch together on Fridays. We need time with each other.
Focused attention
One wife said to her husband, “Listen to me with your eyes!” You can be a better listener when you look at the other person. Part of communication comes down to how well we "read" the people with whom we communicate.
Repeated content
Be a mirror—reflect back to the person what they are saying. Gary Smalley calls this drive-through listening. People order things at BK and the server says the order back.
Clarifying questions
Say things like: “Here’s what I hear you saying… Is that right?” “Is there anything you didn’t say that you will later wish you had said?” “What’s the last 10% that you’ve left unsaid?”
* * *
Someone said that you can make more friends in two weeks by becoming a good listener than you can in two years trying to get other people interested in you.
Listening, not talking, is the mark of a great communicator. And the true listener is much more beloved, much more magnetic than the talker.
To improve our family communication, I will learn the art of give and take.
3. … come to Christ for my healing.
32They brought to Him one who was deaf and spoke with difficulty, and they implored Him to lay His hand on him. 33Jesus took him aside from the crowd, by himself, and put His fingers into his ears, and after spitting, He touched his tongue with the saliva; 34and looking up to heaven with a deep sigh, He said to him, “Ephphatha!” that is, “Be opened!” 35And his ears were opened, and the impediment of his tongue was removed, and he began speaking plainly. 36And He gave them orders not to tell anyone; but the more He ordered them, the more widely they continued to proclaim it. 37They were utterly astonished, saying, “He has done all things well; He makes even the deaf to hear and the mute to speak.”
Mark 7:32-37
This man couldn’t communicate and he needed a physical healing. We can’t communicate and we need a relational, emotional, and spiritual healing.
Christ gets one-on-one with people who don’t do well with the art of give and take – who have a hard time speaking and listening. Jesus has compassion on the masses. But when He wants to work in your life, He takes you aside from the crowd.
It doesn’t take an over-spiritualization of this story to see that Jesus was teaching us that in order for us to talk right, our hearing must be touched by the Master.
