One minute, you are helping kids learn how to cross the street safely. Turn around and you’re dropping them off at college. It’s one of life’s toughest challenges: Songwriters and authors have called it giving your kids roots and then giving them wings.
This past week, I’ve been talking with parents whose kids are turning into adults. And, as you can imagine, some parents do better than others. Some are happy with the empty nest. Others hate it. And the questions come. “Do I charge a kid rent if he is out of college and still living at home?” “If my child moved out of town, am I smothering him if I try to get together somehow?”
And I’ve been asking some friends how it was for them when they left home. Were you helped or hurt by the process? I received mixed reviews. One person told me that when she was packing to leave home, her dad didn’t lift a finger to help her carry the heavy boxes out of the house. He sat and watched her struggle. He didn’t want to see her leave. What he wanted to say to her was “please stay.” Another person told me that he heard his dad tell a brother, “Get the [blank] out!” Another man told me that his dad literally threw his boxes down the steps. He couldn’t wait to see him leave.
And then you think about the kind of “encouragement” some parents give their kids. The extremes can look like this: Some parents send the message, “You can’t. You’ll never amount to anything!” So, the kid either gives up or lives his life trying to prove that he’s worth something. Other parents go the other way. Instead of sending signals “you
God has a better idea. If you follow His way as a young adult, you can face a bright future… and learn how to cut the apron stings from mom and dad in a win/win way. If you follow God’s way as a parent, you can face a bright future … and learn how to empower your kids to leave the nest to achieve great things in their lives.
How to leave home… and how to let go:
Doing the roots and wings thing
Text: Selected texts
Series: A home that runs
We are in week three of a six week series:
Week one: The seven wonders of a woman’s world
Week two: Kingdom life and marriage
Next Sunday: Meeting your spouse’s needs – avoiding the conflict that comes when we don’t know our spouse’s expectations
June 8: Keys to great communication – for families that want to be on the same team
June 15: A father’s legacy – for parents to learn how to consistently encourage a child and connect to his or her world.
Today: Leaving home and letting go – a message to families about cutting the apron strings in a godly way
If you have kids in High School or college or you have kids who are just starting a career, this talk is definitely for you!
Or if you are between the ages of 15-25 – you’re getting ready to leave home, you’re in the process of leaving, or you’ve just left – then this talk is definitely for you!
But if these groups of people don’t describe you, please don’t tune me out. This is more relevant than you might think. If you are a parent of young kids, you’d better file these truths away in your heart. The time for you to let go will arrive sooner than you think.
And there’s something here for the people who have already left home. Think back. How was that for you? For some of us, it was great. For others, you know that it wasn’t right. And you’re dealing with the baggage of that. This message may help you gain insight into where things went wrong and why. You may learn some things about how to deal with the damage that’s been done.
This morning, I’ve put the three big ideas we’ll consider in the form of prayers. Prayers to God that our homes run right ought to be consistent and passionate. As we look at the three big ideas, we’ll see that each one contains a cause and an effect – an action and a reaction, a responsibility and an opportunity.
We’re making what theologians call an evangelical use of the law of God. This is the way God wants us to live. We don’t live this way to make ourselves acceptable to God – to make ourselves right with Him. If we live this way, we don’t earn credit in His eyes. We can never earn credit in His eyes. The Bible says, “In our flesh dwells no good thing” and “All our righteousness is like filthy rags.” So, why does He tell us how to live if He knows we really can’t fully live this way? God’s standards and expectations as revealed in scripture show us how far short we fall and then they cause us to call out to Jesus for forgiveness for our failures and for help to obey.
Lord, may our home be a place of ….
1. … training… and learning.
Responsibility for the parents: training. Opportunity for the kids: learning.
As a parent, I will train my child to live for God.
Let’s consider one of the most often quoted scriptures for moms and dads.
Train up a child in the way he should go, even when he is old he will not depart from it.
Proverbs 22:6
Train:
Over and over and over the Bible teaches that it is the responsibility of the parents to build Biblical principles into the lives of their children. Churches and schools are here to help. But the final burden of responsibility rests on the shoulders of moms and dads.
These words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up.
Deuteronomy 6:6-7
A special word to dads: This isn’t just women’s work. It’s not a job you can simply delegate like you might do at work. This is a mom’s work and this is a dad’s work. It’s not either/or. It’s both/and. Dad, you can’t farm this out. You too have to be training your children to live for God. God singles you out in Ephesians 6.
Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
Ephesians 6:4
Walt Larimore, on a Focus on the Family broadcast, said, “The average teenager in America watches 21 to 29 hours of TV per week. The average father spends seven minutes a week with his kids.”
You fail to fulfill this responsibility and you create a void in the life of your son or daughter that the devil and the world will fill.
What is basic training for your children? Let me mention five basics that you need to help build into your kids so they can live for God.
A child that lives for God…
… has experienced salvation. (Is my child born again?)
… holds to Biblical morality. (Does my child know right from wrong according to the Ten Commandments?)
… has holy habits. (Has my child developed the disciplines of prayer, Bible reading, worship, and service?)
… defends the faith. (Can my child defend creation, the trustworthiness of scripture, and the resurrection of Christ?)
… handles life’s hurts. (Does my child trust in God’s wisdom, power, and goodness in spite of the hurts of life?)
What an awesome responsibility! You can’t answer “yes” to these questions? You’ve not trained up your child in the way he should go. You’re not teaching diligently. You’re not bringing them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.
When our son, Alan, left home for college, I wrote him a long letter. I was struggling big time with letting him go. Let me read a little of the letter. “Right now, everything in me is screaming, ‘My job is not over! There are so many things left undone! There are things are wanted to teach that I didn’t. There are verses I wanted to help him memorize, but I didn’t. I didn’t set an example for him by loving… well enough. I’ve been too moody and melancholic in front of him. I’ve been too impatient with my discipline… My heart for God has beat too weakly. There is so much more growing that I need to do. I’ve not been the passionate follower of Christ that I ought to be. I wanted to be a better man front of him. He deserved so much more than I have given him. Please, Lord. Tell me my job isn’t over. Tell me there’s more for me to do. Give me more chances to parent him better.’”
Listen, parents, we better start the training now. Do it now!
Responsibility: Training. Opportunity: Learning. It’s time for the one who is wanting to leave the nest to consider his/ her ways.
As a child, I will learn from mom/dad to reach my potential.
Hear, my son, your father’s instruction and do not forsake your mother’s teaching… Indeed, they are a graceful wreath to your head and ornaments about your neck.
Proverbs 1:8-9
Learn from your parents. “But you don’t know how controlling, how manipulative, how dumb my parents are!” Maybe not. But I do know this. God didn’t make a mistake by putting you in the home that you are in. Your home is a unique training camp designed by God just for you. It’s the place God has sovereignly seen fit to place you to equip you for your future calling and roles. He knows what you need! So, hear your father’s instruction and do not forsake your mother’s teaching…
And I know something else. No one on earth loves you as much as much as much as your mom and dad love you. Their rules and their leadership are coming from a desire to see you live a joyous, full, and God-honoring life.
I know they have hurt you. And they’ll hurt you some more. They are fallen. They aren’t like Christ yet. No parents do it right. But you don’t have to respond to them in a fallen way.
One more thing I know. You are very much like Jesus when you submit to your parents. Look at Luke 2.
He [Jesus] continued in subjection to them… And Jesus kept increasing in wisdom and stature, and in favor with God and men.
Luke 2:51b, 52
Subjection. It’s a word that describes willing obedience. That’s the way Jesus was toward his earthly mother and father. He followed their leadership. Notice what happens next. Wisdom – that’s intellectual growth. Stature – that’s physical growth. In favor with God – that’s spiritual growth. In favor with men – that’s relational growth. Notice that all this growth came after “he continued in subjection to them.”
How many times have you missed God’s best – God’s blessings – because of a rebellious heart? How many times have you missed a blessing from your parents?
My son, observe the commandment of your father and do not forsake the teaching of your mother; Bind them continually on your heart; tie them around your neck. When you walk about, they will guide you; when you sleep, they will watch over you; and when you awake, they will talk to you. For the commandment is a lamp and the teaching is light; and reproofs for discipline are the way of life.
Proverbs 6:20-23
Get the most you can get out of the home you are in. Learn all you can learn from the mom and dad God gave you. Take notes! Be a sponge. Ask questions.
Lord, may our home be a place of training and learning. And, Lord, may our home be a place of …
2. … blessing… and seeking.
Cause that comes from the parents: Blessing. Effect in the lives of the child: Seeking.
As a parent, I will bless my child to empower his/her life.
Parents, you need to empower your children. You need to say, “I believe in you” and then back it up with proof that you do. Give them some opportunities to prove themselves. Say, “Here’s the kind of future I see for you…” And paint a realistically bright future for them. This is the kind of the thing that the Bible calls a “blessing.”
He [Jacob] blessed Joseph, and said, “The God before whom my fathers Abraham and Isaac walked, the God who has been my shepherd all my life to this day, the angel who has redeemed me from all evil, Bless the lads; and may my name live on in them, and the names of my fathers Abraham and Isaac; and may they grow into a multitude in the midst of the earth.
Genesis 48:15,16
Gary Smalley in his book, “The Blessing, writes, “The terrible fact is that most people who have missed out on their parents’ blessing have great emotional difficulty leaving home. It may have been years since they have seen their parents, but unmet needs for personal acceptance can keep a person emotionally chained to his or her parents’ home, unable to genuinely cleave to another person in a lasting relationship. For this reason many couples never get off the ground in terms of marital intimacy.”
Here’s a way to look at the five basic parts of the blessing:
The family blessing includes:
Meaningful touch
A spoken message
Attaching “high value” to the one being blessed
Picturing a special future for the one being blessed
An active commitment to fulfill the blessing
Which of these hasn’t happened much in your home? What changes are you going to make to help make this happen? Your kids need this.
So many adult children of parents who never gave the blessing are motivated in life to try to earn mom’s/dad’s approval. They are trying so many things to earn the blessing. And they can’t hear God’s voice/God’s call. Why not? There’s another hunger – a father hunger or a mother hunger – they are trying to fulfill.
Did you ever consider that Jesus got the blessing from His heavenly Father? At His baptism, He heard these words.
Behold, a voice out of the heavens said, “This is My beloved Son, in whom I am well-pleased.”
Matthew 3:17
Have you ever said anything like that to your kids? Be honest with them, but please, please, please… be encouraging! It’s a key part of giving your kids the roots they need. In my letter to Alan, God gave me some words that I’ve hoped he’s taken as a blessing. That’s what it was meant to be.
… we can’t just look back, can we? We must look forward. And I can see the future fluttering faintly out there on the horizon. Someday you’ll be shouting, “I got the job!” Someday I hope you’ll be bringing home a girl for us to meet and you’ll say, “Dad, I think this is the one for me. I hope you’ll love her as much as you have always loved me.” Someday I hope you’ll make a phone call to say, “Mom. Dad. It’s a boy!” or “It’s a girl!” And just maybe God will be gracious to keep me around 25 or 30 years from now when it’s time for you to send off your first-born to college. I’ll pray for you. Believe me, you’ll need it!
I’m praying that your righteousness will exceed my own. God has great things in store for you. I know that. He has given us that promise from Isaiah 54:13. “And all your sons will be taught of the Lord and the well-being of your sons will be great.” The greatness that hovers around you is so thick that we can almost touch it.
Action from the parents: Blessing. Reaction from the kids: Seeking.
As a child, I will seek to know God’s will to fulfill His call.
Children, youth, young adults… learn to discern the voice of God. What does He want you to do with your life? Some of you may be in process of leaving home too soon and for the wrong reasons. You just want your freedom to pursue your own agenda. If that’s your goal, you’re not ready to leave home yet. Your leaving is rooted in rebellion and God won’t bless it. Think about this: He’ll make sure you are placed in environments that will require you to learn the same obedience lessons all over again from some other authority figure.
Hear God’s call. He has a plan for your life. It’s a good one. He’s not sitting up in heaven trying to figure out how to cramp your style – how to make you miserable. He’s always thinking of ways to bless your life – to help you make a difference in this world – to give you the joy of knowing that you’re living for Him. You can trust Him with your future. He has plans to bless you – to give you a future and a hope. That’s why you ought to seek His will like Isaiah did in Isaiah 6.
Then I heard the voice of the Lord, saying, “Whom shall I send, and who will go for Us?” Then I said, “Here am I. Send me!”
Isaiah 6:8
Have you eve said anything like that to God? “Here am I, send me.” For some of you, He’ll send you to the marketplace. He wants you to represent Him in the business world. For others, He’ll send you into education. He wants you to represent Him in the schools. He may even call you into fulltime ministry. He’s not interested in you following someone else’s script for your life. He wants you to hear His voice and follow His lead.
Then the LORD came and stood and called as at other times, “Samuel! Samuel!” And Samuel said, “Speak, for Your servant is listening.”
I Samuel 3:10
Too often if we pray at all, we say, “Listen, for your servant is speaking!” We try to tell God how to run His universe and how to bless our lives.
Now the LORD said to Abram, “Go forth from your country, and from your relatives and from your father’s house, to the land which I will show you; and I will make you a great nation, and I will bless you, and make your name great; and so you shall be a blessing; and I will bless those who bless you, and the one who curses you I will curse. And in you all the families of the earth will be blessed.” So Abram went forth as the LORD had spoken to him.
Genesis 12:1-4a
Greatness sounds good. But leave his homeland, his relatives? His was a patriarchal culture, a group of tightly knit families.
With each parting, God had something in mind, although it wasn’t always apparent at departure time. Maybe He’s leading you away for some of the same reasons.
Lord, may our home be a place of blessing and seeking. And, Lord, may our home be a place of …
3. … releasing… and leaving.
The cause that comes from the parents: releasing. The effect that happens with the kids: leaving.
As a parent, I will release my child to a world in need.
It’s tough. But there comes a time when it has to happen. You send your kids to go do something for God that you can’t do yourself.
Behold, children are a gift of the LORD, the fruit of the womb is a reward. Like arrows in the hand of a warrior, so are the children of one’s youth. How blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them; they will not be ashamed when they speak with their enemies in the gate.
Psalm 127:3-5
Parents are responsible to take a rough wooden shaft and sand it, to shelter the still “in-process” arrow in a quiver, to shape it to be a useful weapon. The arrow is to fly straight and true. It can go places that a warrior cannot go. This is God’s way. Well, the time will come for your young adult to be out of your quiver. Parents must send their kids into the battle for the glory of God. The stakes are high. The task is tough. But if you’ve done the training and the blessing, the time will come when they are ready.
No matter what career path the kids follow, God’s plan for the Christian family is that, one day, parents send their kids out as missionaries/ministers/ambassadors for Christ. Let go. Release your child. Don’t hold him/her back.
At what age should you let them go? I don’t know that there’s one right answer for every young adult. Generally, a young woman ought to stay under her parents’ authority until her marriage. Know your child. Know the situation. Seek the Lord. But at some point, it honors God when there is a releasing of the arrow.
Cause: releasing. Effect: Leaving.
As a child, I will leave to follow God’s call.
This leaving is found in the very first book of the Bible. Leaving was established as God’s pattern even before Adam and Eve had kids. Leaving was established before the fall.
For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh.
Genesis 2:24
In the Old Testament, the farthest most people would actually move away from their parents was across the campfire and into another tent. Leaving home is more about emotional separation than it is about physical separation. Leaving home has always meant much more than putting physical distance between our parents and ourselves. Sometimes it takes a physical separation to help establish the emotional separation.
“But leaving is so hard. It feels like I’m being disloyal to mom and dad. Doesn’t honoring my mother and father mean that they ought to be right near the top of my priority list?” Well, listen to Jesus’ words in Luke 14. He said…
If anyone comes to Me, and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be My disciple.
Luke 14:26
There’s no way around it: Valuing anyone more than Christ points out mixed-up priorities. Jesus is to be our first love, the sole source of our strength, our ultimate guide through life. At first glance, His command sounds selfish, but we must remember Jesus is the God who says we are to have no other gods before Him. Another time, Jesus said…
He who loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me; and he who loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me.
Matthew 10:37
It doesn’t matter whether your family is Christian or non-Christian, peaceful or constantly fighting, close or distant, traditional or non-traditional. When you decide to move away, your family might conjure up all sorts of concerns. And when they fuss with you about leaving home, it can be difficult even though you’re certain of God’s leading.
You worry about getting along without them, causing them pain, leaving-them lonely. You realize how much you’ll miss them.
Honor your parents always. But the time will come to go pursue God’s call on your life. Does it have to be in a different location? Not necessarily. But sometimes you have to move. Does it have to be when you’re 21? Not necessarily. But something is probably wrong if you’re a young man who’s 35 and still at home with momma! At all costs, avoid an “enmeshed” relationship. You know the kind: You can’t live with ‘em and you can’t live without ‘em. It’s a sure way to cause “in-law” problems once you marry.
Here’s the truth: Putting Christ first is the path to truly loving, honoring, and nurturing your mom and dad. And it’s the way to real reward.
And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or children or farms for My name’s sake, will receive many times as much, and will inherit eternal life.
Matthew 19:29
When all these things are done in tandem – the training and submitting, the blessing and the hearing, the releasing and the leaving – after it’s all done, the result is joy and thanksgiving! From the child to the parents and from the parents to the child.
Lord, may our home
be a place of …
… training and learning.
… blessing and seeking.
… releasing and leaving.
* * *
Remember our four quadrants? Which one are you most likely to live in? Which one most describes your parents? Well, God is telling us today to avoid the extremes and live God’s way. Blessing. Releasing. What will it take for you to get there?
* * *
You say, “Man, I’ve messed up.” What if either the parent or the child has blown it big time? Answer: God’s grace is sufficient. He wants you to know that it’s never too late to do the right thing. In See Luke 15 you’ll find one of the greatest stories ever told. It’s about a son left home on bad terms, who lived a wild life, and who came to his senses. He decided to go home and found that his father was waiting for him with open arms. He made things right with his dad. This morning, there are some prodigal sons, daughters, moms, and dads who need to make things right with each other. Will you?
Right up at the top of this talk, I made a statement: God’s standards and expectations as revealed in scripture show us how far short we fall and then they cause us to call out to Jesus for forgiveness for failures and for help to obey. When He forgives and helps, do you know what we find? We find that we love Him more. “I couldn’t do it without You, Lord!” And we find that we love each other more.
So, what we all need today is a deeper dose of Jesus! He’s the Great physician of the family. He can make your home run.
It’s time for some confessing: “I haven’t done a good job training, blessing, or releasing. I haven’t don a good job learning, seeking, or leaving. Jesus, You died on the cross to forgive me and I receive Your forgiveness right now.”
It’s time for some committing: “By Your grace, Lord, these are the changes that I will make…”
