Anger Management
Eph 4:26-27
May 18, 2003
Our country seems to be having a serious problem with anger. More and more people are losing it and manifesting their rage against family members, friends, work associates, or with people they don’t even know. Consider the following…
- One anger management firm stated that “one out of every five Americans has an anger management problem.”
- According to FBI statistics, there were 23,305 homicides in 1994 and the most common reason was arguments occurring in the home (28%). Gang related killings accounted for only 7.6%.
- Anger related violence is the reason stated for 22% of divorces of middle-class marriages.
- Studies show that 79% of violent children witnessed some form of violence between their parents.
- From 1995 to 2001 there were 1655 incidents of “air rage,” directing anger toward airline employees - according to FAA records.
- "Road rage" seems to be increasing exponentially. In Denver, Colorado a 51 year-old man used a .25 caliber semi-automatic pistol to kill a 32 year-old bicyclist who cut him off on the road (The Denver Post, 21 June 2000). When we lived in Portland, Oregon, a young Bible college student stopped his car at a red light, went over to the car next to him to confront another man for swearing at his little son, and was shot and killed while his wife and son looked on.
We see evidences of rage everyday in the news. Outbursts of anger and rage are serious problems. But, they are even more serious in the church. If lying is the most prevalent sin in the church today, then unresolved anger may be the most devastating. It alienates people, promotes church division, and is the greatest obstacle to the sanctification process of the body. It is no wonder Paul starts with these two sins as he begins to elaborate on sanctification in verses 25-27. I have pastored six churches since 1976 (in Washington, Oregon, Iowa and Alabama). In every one of these churches unresolved anger was the most serious problem. In my previous pastorate in Iowa I inherited a serious anger problem from the previous pastor. Under his ministry a number of church people had become angry at the church leadership and left the church. The pastor subsequently left, then I was called. I soon realized an undercurrent of unresolved anger still existed. In fact, there were still people in the church who were angry at the elder board. Some were angry because they didn’t feel the elders were doing their job. Others were angry because of what the elders were doing. Others were angry at the people or pastor who had left. And, on and on it goes. This is an all too familiar scene in churches today. Something happens in the church, people get angry, the biblical pattern for resolution is ignored, and the anger only festers to resurface later bringing further damage to the body. Paul says this is giving place to the devil and calls it sin.
The problem is, many of us are angry, but fail to see it as such. We are clever at rationalizing it away. You know, we might say we have forgiven people, but then manage to bring it back up as fuel for fire at our leisure. That is not forgiveness. Anger and unforgiveness are still there. Or, if we do recognize we are angry, then we tend to downplay it, as though that is no big deal.
But, it is a big deal. Unresolved anger is sin and must be put off. Yet, there is a place for the right kind of anger. It is righteous anger. That must be put on. Paul’s words in verses 26-27 instruct us along these lines.
A. Erroneous views of anger management: venting and clamming up, 4:26-27.
Paul says, "Be angry and sin not." This is a command to be characterized by a certain kind of anger, and yet to do it without sinning. We err if we think anger is always wrong or sinful. Righteous anger is needful. It is necessary if the body of Christ is to effectively minister to itself in love in the sanctification process. If we neglect it, then we seriously fail to do that which is vital to the spiritual growth of the church. Furthermore, this opens the door for the devil to have his way in the church. Let’s look first of all at erroneous views of anger management.
1. Venting our anger.
A lady once came to Billy Sunday, perhaps the most famous evangelist and preacher of the early 1900s, and tried to rationalize her angry outbursts. "There’s nothing wrong with losing my temper," she said. "I blow up, and then it’s all over."
"So does a shotgun," Sunday replied, "and look at the damage it leaves behind!"
According to J. Adams, a leading reformed theologian, psychiatrist, and Christian counselor, "the prevailing school of thought in modern psychiatry, group therapy, and anger management programs is that angry and hostile feelings toward others is never wrong, but that the best way to deal with one’s anger is by venting one’s feelings in a controlled environment." Often the major thrusts of these groups is to provide an opportunity for angry people to express their "hang-ups" and hostilities by encouraging them to vent their feelings by beating pillows.
Jane Howard gives such an example, "Pillows from sofas were used as props, to be beaten, struck, pounded, thrashed and abused by people who imagined them to be whoever it was that had made them mad." She adds later, "A pretty woman had been lying on a mattress, kicking and shrieking in unspecified rage. Later the woman told her son, ’I was working out some angry feelings I had about Grandma. " She adds with an almost uncanny biblical insight, "Most of the angry gestures amounted to ritual murders. Many people had be be reminded: ’Remember, its only a pillow.’"(Jane Howard in "Please Touch", p. 150.).
Chuck Swindoll in his book "Growing Strong," cites this amazing fact about camels: Camels may build up a pressure cooker of resentment toward human beings until the lid suddenly blows off and they go berserk. In Asia, when a camel driver senses trouble, he gives his coat to the animal. Rather like Japanese workers reported to work off frustrations by beating up models of their bosses, the camel gives the garment hell -- jumping on it, biting it, tearing it to pieces. When the camel feels it has blown its top enough, man and animal can live together in harmony again.
Well, this might work for camels and the animal world, but it should not be promoted among the human race. Angry and hostile feelings toward others is strictly forbidden in scripture. Scripture repeatedly warns against such unrighteous anger. For example, it is never proper to be angry at God. The 3rd commandment says, Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord Thy God in vain. Whenever people violate this commandment it is because they are angry at God.
Nor is it proper to have an angry attitude and countenance. The classic illustration of this is the encounter Cain had with God in Gen. 4:5-8. Cain brought the wrong kind of offering to the Lord. When God had no regard for Cain’s offering, Cain became angry and his countenance fell. God said to him, "Why are you angry? And why has your countenance fallen? If you do well, will not your countenance be lifted up? And if you do not well, sin is crouching at the door and its desire is for you, but you must master it." Here God is teaching that an angry countenance is sinful and if it is not replaced by obedience to God, then that person will be consumed by his anger. This happened to Cain, of course, as his anger resulted in his murder of brother Abel.
Scripture explicitly warns against and prohibits such outbursts of anger. Listen to what Proverbs has to say. "A fool loses his temper, but a wise man holds it back," Prov 29:11, "Like a city that is broken into and without walls is a man who has no control over his spirit," 25:28, "A man’s discretion makes him slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook a transgression," 19:11, " Do you see a man who is hasty with his words? There is more hope for a fool than for him," 29:20, "An angry man stirs up strife, and a hot-tempered man abounds in transgression," 29:22, "A quick-tempered man acts foolishly, and a man of evil devices is hated," 14:17, "He who is slow to anger has great understanding, but he who is quick-tempered exalts folly," 14:29, "A hot-tempered man stirs up strife, but the slow to anger calms a dispute," 15:18, "A man of great anger will bear the penalty, for if you rescue him, you will only have to do it again," 19:19, "Do not associate with a man given to anger; or go with a hot-tempered man, or you will learn his ways and find a snare for yourself," 22:24,25. Furthermore, James 1:19 says, "Everyone must be quick to hear, slow to speak, and slow to anger."
No, venting our anger toward others is clearly contrary to scripture.
2. Clamming up.
A second technique or way to respond when angry is to clam up. You know the routine: when your spouse does something that makes you mad, rather than talk to him or her about it, just clam up, withdraw and sulk. Or, if somebody in the church offends you, then thereafter avoid him and have nothing to do with him anymore. It is especially grievous when people say they have forgiven others, but continue to remain distant or to bring it up again later. That, is not forgiveness. It is lying and hypocrisy and must not be. It is sin.
This is the path all too often taken by Christians who feel the best way to deal with hurts and anger is to withdraw unto oneself and to say nothing about it. The problem, of course, is this leads to bitterness and resentment which foster division, further falsehoods, and even hatred. Clamming up is the worst things that can be done, as these verses demonstrate. Doing so gives place to the devil who delights to wreck havoc in marriages and in the church.
B. The biblical view of anger management: we must be characterized by anger (and hatred) over sin, so that we can minister by lovingly rebuking and exhorting the sinning brother or sister the very day he sins.
The cause of most anger is really the evil that is in our own hearts. We get angry when we are embarrassed or humiliated, when our pride is hurt. We get angry when someone hurts our feelings or when our evil lusts are frustrated. "What is the source of quarrels and conflicts among you?" James says, "Is not the source your pleasures that wage war in your members? You lust and do not have, so you commit murder. You are envious and cannot obtain, so you fight and quarrel" (Js 4:1-2). This is unrighteous anger and is evil. We must see it as sin and hate it and repent of it in our own lives first. This is absolutely essential if we are to hear, understand and apply the words of these verses. The anger in verse 26 is the right kind of anger. It is anger over sin. It is righteous anger. It is the kind of anger Christ demonstrated numerous times.
J. I. Packer observes: Jesus went into the synagogue on the Sabbath and saw a man with a crippled hand. He knew that the Pharisees were watching to see what he would do, and he felt angry that they were only out to put him in the wrong. They did not care a scrap for the handicapped man, nor did they want to see the power and love of God brought to bear on him. There were other instances where Jesus showed anger or sternness. He "sternly charged" the leper whom he had healed not to tell anyone about it (Mark 1:43) because he foresaw the problems of being pursued by a huge crowd of thoughtless people who were interested only in seeing miracles and not in his teaching. But the leper disobeyed and so made things very hard for Jesus. Jesus showed anger again when the disciples tried to send away the mothers and their children (Mark 10:13-16). He was indignant and distressed at the way the disciples were thwarting his loving purposes and giving the impression that he did not have time for ordinary people. He showed anger once more when he drove "out those who sold and those who bought in the temple" (Mark 11:15-17). God’s house of prayer was being made into a den of thieves and God was not being glorified -- hence Jesus’ angry words and deeds. Commenting on this, Warfield wrote: "A man who cannot be angry, cannot be merciful." The person who cannot be angry at things which thwart God’s purposes and God’s love toward people is living too far away from his fellow men ever to feel anything positive towards them.
Finally, at Lazarus’ grave Jesus showed not just sympathy and deep distress for the mourners (John 11:33-35), but also a sense of angry outrage at the monstrosity of death in God’s world. This is the meaning of "deeply moved" in John 11:38. Your Father Loves You, Harold Shaw Publishers, 1986.
Part of our problem is we do not recognize sin for what it is and we don’t hate it as God hates it. Rather, we tend to rationalize it, whitewash it, even condone it. Oh Father, help us to hate the things you hate and to be angry at sin. May we increasingly come to hate sin first in our own lives, then in the lives of others.
The Bible gives specific directions of how anger toward sin is to be worked out in the life of the church.
a. Examine oneself first. Ask yourself, Am I angry because I have been humiliated or because my plans and desires have been thwarted by others, or am I angry because of sin committed by another? I must first take the beam out of my own eye before I can remove the speck from my brother’s. Mt 7:1-5.
b. We must speak the truth in love. "Truthing in love" is the meaning in the context (4:15). This means the one having the righteous anger (anger over sin) must speak the truth to the one who is in sin. The truth, of course, is that this action was sinful and needs to be confessed, forgiven, and repented of. My love for the Lord and for my brother compel me to obey the Lord in this way and to seek to do my part for the restitution of my brother and the good of the church. This is probably the most neglected aspect of doing the work of ministry in the church today and until it is done the church will never be able to grow to maturity in Christ. Remember, the role of the pastor-teacher is to equip the saints to do the work of ministry until we all attain to the mature man (4:12-14).
You have heard me refer to nouthetic counseling. The Greek word nouthesia is the word used by Paul throughout his literature. It is a warning, exhortation, or instruction. Whenever it is used it refers to a loving, verbal confrontation of a sinning brother. It is always done in love with the hope of restoring or helping the one being confronted to grow to maturity. He uses it in 1 Thess 5:14, "admonish the unruly," in 2 Thess 3:15, "Do not regard him as an enemy, but admonish him as a brother," and in Col 3:16, "Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, with all wisdom teaching and admonishing one another with Psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, singing with thankfulness in your hearts." Finally, in Rom 15:14 Paul assures them that with the knowledge of the Word of God and the goodness that comes from living the Word in one’s life, that every child of God is able to do so. He says, "And concerning you, brethren, I myself also am convinced that you yourselves are full of goodness, filled with all knowledge and able also to admonish one another."
In Mt 18:15-18 Christ tells us explicitly what is to be done when one sees a brother committing a sin. In verse 15 He says, "If your brother sins, go and show him his fault in private; if he listens to you, you have won a brother." When a brother sins, whether it be against me or someone else, I should be angry. If I am not, then sin no longer is sin to me. I don’t see it as God sees it and I fail to love God and my brother as I should. But, if I see it as it really is, an affront to God and a threat to the sinning individual himself and to the church, then I will be angry and do what it is right. I will go to him in private and confront him in love with the hope that he will be restored.
What should be his response? The text says, "if he listens to you, you have won a brother." "Listen," in this context, means to hear with understanding and reception. It means he hears your rebuke, done in love, confesses his sin and apologizes to you and to God for it. James 5:16 tells us that we should confess our sins to one another. Furthermore, Christ taught the importance of our forgiving one another. In Mt 18:21-22 Peter asks the Lord, "how often shall my brother sin against me and I forgive him? Up to seven times?" The Lord responded, "I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven." In other words, whenever my brother sins then confesses and apologizes, then I must forgive him. To show how serious it is to forgive a repentant brother, Jesus teaches us to pray, "Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive others." He adds two verses later, "for if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive others, then your Father will not forgive your transgressions."
This is why it is important to say "I forgive you" when a brother sins, but then confesses his sin and expresses sorrow for it. We need to say those words and they need to be heard. By saying them, I am saying I no longer hold this against you.
c. We must speak the truth to our brother in love before the day is up; if I do not, then I am giving the devil an opportunity to bring damage to myself, to my brother, and to the church, 4:27.
The reformed Christian counselor, J. Adams, says in his book (The Christian Counselor’s Manual) that "letting the sun go down on anger is the most frequent cause of sexual disharmony in marriage. It is hard to bring all of the baggage of resentment into the bed at night and expect freedom of joyous sexual expression under those circumstances."
Whenever I do premarital or marital counseling I remind the couple of this solemn truth. The couple that prays together, stays together. Praying together, of course, means that sins must be addressed, confessed and forgiven. If two pray together and bitterness and anger are not dealt with, this is the greatest hypocrisy. If you are not praying together, why not? It may be because there are issues of unresolved anger.
Of course, this extends to the church, as well. Christ told us that when we are coming to church to worship and then remember that someone has something against us, that we must go first to that person and get things resolved. This means, if you have sinned against someone else, you must confess it and ask forgiveness before you come to worship God in His holy temple, and partake of the Lord’s Supper.
Finally, note the words, "and sin not," v.26b. This means if we do not follow this prescription for anger management, then we will be sinning. That is, we should be angry over sin. Secondly, that anger should cause us follow the guidelines laid out for by Christ before the day is up. If we don’t, then we are sinning.
I am going to close in a minute with a prayer. Let me tell you ahead of time what that prayer will be so that you may personalize it with me and make your prayer too. After you hear the words, if you agree with them and want these words to be your prayer, as well, then after I pray them, make it your prayer by saying, amen. Whenever we say those words at the end of someone else’s prayer, then we are saying we agree with them and are asking God to make it so. Let us not take the "amen" lightly. Here are the words which I will pray immediately after I give them to you: Father, show me any unresolved anger I may have. Please help me to deal with it in the light of the teachings of Your Word. Help me to hate sin and to be angry over it. Please help me to be willing to lovingly rebuke my brother when he sins so that he would repent and become more like Christ. I am sorry I have failed to do this in the past. Please forgive me. This I pray in Jesus’ name. Amen. Now, let us pray.
Father, show me any unresolved anger I may have. Please help me to deal with it in the light of the teachings of Your Word. Help me to hate sin and to be angry over it. Please help me to be willing to lovingly rebuke my brother when he sins so that he would repent and become more like Christ. I am sorry I have failed to do this in the past. Please forgive me. This I pray in Jesus’ name. Amen.
